Changing Direction

Several years ago I was paddling my canoe around the bend of a fast moving Canadian river. I felt prepared because I had studied my map closely, which showed that a series of rapids was just around the corner. Fortunately, the map also showed a place to pull ashore just before the rapids, so that one could get out and portage their canoe safely around the rough waters. This was my plan, but you know what they say about the best-made plans. I missed the pull off for the portage, and the current was too strong for me to do anything except allow it to pull me into and through the rapids. With a combination of high water and luck, I was fortunate to negotiate around the rocks without capsizing, white knuckles and all.  I remembered this heart-pounding experience recently when I came across the Chinese proverb found in the box at the top of this column, “If you don’t change direction, you may end up where you are heading.” On that day in Canada I missed my chance to change directions when I passed the pull-off for the portage, and so I did, indeed, end up exactly where I was heading.

We are in the Christian season of Lent, a time when many Christians make time to reflect on the direction their lives are heading. Most religions offer similar times during the year that serve as an invitation for self-examination.  During such times, it is common to ask oneself, “Are the choices I am making in my life right now aligned with my faith—with my core values and beliefs?” and,  “If so, how might I continue and strengthen those choices? If not, what can I do differently, what change can I make to more fully align my life with my beliefs and values?”

The season of Lent has traditionally been a time to reflect on one’s spiritual life. In our Living Compass programs, we invite people to expand this process of self-reflection to all aspects of our lives, not just our spiritual lives. How are we caring for our bodies? How are we managing our finances? How are we caring for the meaningful relationships in our lives? How are we caring for our emotional wellness? Where are our lives in or out of balance? How are we managing stress?

Just as with my canoeing experience, sometimes the current of life makes it hard for us to change directions. We can easily miss opportunities that present themselves to pull off the river, to take some time to consider our options or to make a safe portage around difficult waters. The season of Lent provides just such a time, a time to stop and reflect on the direction our lives are heading. I highly recommend taking some of the coming weeks to do so, because after all…. if you don’t change direction, you may end up where you are heading.

By Scott Stoner, for Living Compass

Making a Difference

This week's column is written by Holly Hughes Stoner, my wife of 40 years. For the past thirty-five years, she has worked with youth as an elementary school teacher, a middle school teacher and as a high school teacher. Today she is a marriage and family therapist and serves as the Director of Teen and Parent Wellness for Living Compass. I call her the "teen whisperer" because of her love of teens and her ability to get them to talk about what is most on their minds and in their hearts.  Normally she serves as the editor of this weekly column, but I have asked this week, in the light of the school shooting in Florida, if she could write this column to express her admiration and passion for our young people. Over the last forty plus years, as a professional, I have had the distinct honor of spending most of my days with awesome, funny, hard-working, and for the most part, innocent young people, and thus have seen children of all ages do wonderful things for others.

I once arrived at school after the death of my grandmother to find my desk covered with condolence notes from my sweet second graders. They had seen me cry when I got the news over the phone in my classroom and wanted to make a difference.

I have seen teenagers work tirelessly to raise thousands of dollars for an orphanage in Guatemala. These children had been to the orphanage on a trip with their Spanish class, had seen the needs, and wanted to make a difference.

Thirty years ago a student at our local high school was diagnosed with cancer and the other students wanted to do something, to make a difference. So with the support of the teachers and the community, they developed something called the Shorewood Games, modeled after the Olympics, and year after year new students continued the work and have now collectively raised four hundred thousand dollars to fight childhood cancer.

I have seen students work long hours to practice and create fabulous theater productions, hone skills as musicians and athletes, create and run clubs that bring awareness of social issues that matter to them, and speak out against injustices with youthful optimism.  All in all, I come away from my years of being surrounded by young people feeling inspired and grateful for their energy, hopefulness, and presence.

Not all of my students, however, were in a place to give back.  Some were struggling with challenging situations at home or in their neighborhoods. Some had learning struggles or were dealing with depression or anxiety and getting through each day was a challenge.  These children needed our care and attention all the more. They needed us to make a difference in their lives.

With the horrific news coming out of Florida this past week I am reminded of all of my students, and I am again struggling with wondering what we can do to make a difference, to make the world better for our children of all ages.  I know that there are things to be done on the policy level and that is extremely important, and we must also do things right in our very own neighborhoods, with the kids and the families who live nearby and are going to our local schools. We must let them know that they are valued, reaching out especially to those who are vulnerable and lost.

We might befriend a child by showing interest in their activities, maybe even going to their volleyball game or school concert. We might offer to sit for a family that can't afford a sitter, thus getting to know the kids better and helping out the parents. We might volunteer in a classroom, coach a team, or chaperone a field trip. We might offer to care for a child after school or on days when there is no school. The opportunities to do something meaningful to help a child are endless.

We can make a difference, one child, one teen at a time, and we must.

The Power of Stories

Marissa and Hannah Brandt have played hockey together their entire lives. These sisters grew up playing on the same team until they went off to different colleges, playing hockey then for their respective schools. And now they are playing for two different teams in the 2018 Winter Olympics in South Korea, with Hannah playing for Team USA and Marissa for the unified Korean team. Marissa was born in South Korea and was just four months old when she was adopted by an American couple, Greg and Robin Brandt from St. Paul, Minnesota. About the time of her adoption, the Brandts realized that they were expecting a baby, something they had previously thought impossible. Their daughter Hannah was born several months later, and so the two girls grew up together as beloved sisters, and both becoming outstanding hockey players.

While Marissa retired from hockey after college, Hannah continued to play and recently tried out and made the US Olympic women’s hockey team. A few weeks later Marissa, believe it or not, received a call inviting her to try out for the united Korea women’s hockey team. She accepted the invitation and made the team!  It was a dream come true for everyone. The Brandts had always wanted to make a family trip to Korea but had never even dreamed of visiting under these circumstances. Now they are all there together amazingly watching the sisters represent the countries of their births.

The broadcast of the Olympics, more than any other sports, share with us many of the backstories of the athletes who are competing. The stories help us to form a bond with the people being featured. Now we are not just watching hockey or luge; we have become part of the story of a person pursuing their dreams.

We work with many different organizations as a result of our Living Compass Wellness Initiative connections, often traveling to see the partners with whom we work. Organizations have stories, too, and so we always ask about how the organization we are visiting was formed and how it has changed through the years.  How has it adapted and been resilient? What are the unique challenges it faces today? How is its story intertwined with the story of the community in which it resides and serves? Stories are how we experience and convey meaning, purpose, and connection. If you want to know the essence of any person or organization, you simply need to know their foundational stories.

The same “getting to know you” process happens when any of us meets someone new. On numerous occasions I have had the experience where my initial judgment of someone has completely changed once I came to know their backstory, their founding story, so to speak.  When we are truly curious and honor another person’s story, especially when that person thinks and believes very differently than we do, we are getting to know them and taking an important step toward honoring their inherent worth. To live into this is one way we can each express one of the ideals of the Olympic charter: “to promote a peaceful society concerned with the preservation of human dignity.”

The Olympics is much greater than a sports competition. This was made clear by the fact that twenty-four million Americans watched the Opening Ceremony, an event that did not include an athletic competition of any kind.  People were tuning in for something even greater than the thrill of sport.

We live in a world that is full of many divisions. None of us are naive enough to think that the Olympics will simply turn all those divisions into harmony. Perhaps though, the stories we hear about the athletes from around our world can remind us that coming together and deeply listening to the stories of people whose life experiences are dramatically different from our own, is one small step we can each take towards bridging the divisions that separate us.

Love Casts Out Fear

With Valentine’s Day approaching, it seems timely to write about love in this week’s column.  To begin, here is one of my favorite quotes about love, by Aldous Huxley. “Love casts out fear; but conversely fear casts out love. And not only love. Fear also casts out intelligence, casts out goodness, casts out all thought of beauty and truth…. And fear, my good friends, is the very basis and foundation of modern life.”  Ape and Essence, 1948.

The first part of this quote echoes the words from the Biblical verse found in 1 John 4:18:  “Perfect love casts out fear.” The remainder of the quote reminds us that as powerful a force as love is, fear has the power to erode our capacity to love. I recognize the truth of this in myself, because I know when I feel hurt, angry, wronged, or afraid, my capacity to love is greatly diminished. On the other hand, when I feel centered, secure, and content, my capacity to love is far greater than any fear or hurt I may have.

When I am working with a couple or a family in counseling, it is common at some point for one of the people in the room to turn to another and ask with intense emotion, “Why don’t you act more loving to me?” While the specific details of the answer that follows differ, the common theme is that the person who is not acting in a manner that is loving is feeling hurt and angry in some way, and thus is responding from a stance of fear rather than love. Only when their hurt, anger, and fear is addressed is it possible for their capacity to love to be restored.

In light of Valentine's Day coming soon, and to translate all of this into some concrete advice, I would like to share some wisdom from Terrence Real, the author of The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work. This advice, which talks about the difference of approaching relationships from a place of love versus fear, applies not only to marriage but to all relationships. Here is a summary of his thoughts on the five things that build up relationships and the five things that break them down.  He calls these the five “losing or fear-based strategies" and the five “winning or love-based strategies."  While he is writing about marriage, these apply to all important relationships in our lives.

The Five Losing/Fear-Based Strategies

•Needing to be right

•Controlling your partner

•Unbridled self-expression

•Retaliation

•Withdrawal/Isolation

The Five Winning/Love-Based Strategies

•Shifting from complaint to request

•Speaking out with love and savvy

•Responding with generosity

•Empowering each other

•Cherishing

This year the first day of Lent happens to fall on Valentine’s Day. Lent is a season in which many Christians pause to reflect on what it means to live a more spiritual life. For me, the convergence of Valentine’s Day and the beginning of Lent provides the perfect opportunity to reflect on when I am relating others from a place of love and when I am relating to them from a place of fear.

Happy Valentine’s, and for those who observe the season of Lent, may it be a time of spiritual renewal for you.

By Scott Stoner for Living Compass

Lesson Learned

I have had a severe cold for several weeks, but that is not what has me feeling bad right now. Now that my cold is subsiding, what I feel awful about is the fact that I just learned that I infected several other people with my cold. I was careless about being out in public interacting with others, when I clearly should have been home recovering. I greatly minimized how contagious I was because I didn’t want to interrupt my regular routines. I don’t think I am alone in saying it is a good thing when we are all more conscious about how we affect others, and about what we are spreading when we interact with others. And here I am not just talking about physical colds and viruses, as we can easily spread emotional viruses like fear, anger, anxiety, and stress as well, without being conscious of the fact that we are doing so.

When one of my friends told me that they were pretty sure they caught their cold from me, my response was, “I am so sorry. That is the last thing I intended to have happen.” That was an honest response, and I am very sorry, and of course I never intended to infect others with my cold. But the lesson I have learned from this is that it is simply not enough to say I had no intention of infecting others. The truth is that what I needed to have adopted when I was sick was a conscious intention not to spread my cold to others.

If a person chronically dumps their stress (or their cold or flu) on the people around them, it is probably the case that they are not intending to bring the people around them down, but that is still likely what will happen. Only when that person makes the intention to work positively to relieve their stress (or cold) will positive change occur and will others have a better chance of not becoming infected.

The important thing to remember is that our moods, like our illnesses, are contagious. Negative mindsets that include sarcasm, cynicism and bad moods are often contagious. The good news is that on the other hand a positive mindset, one that includes joy, peace, humor, love, optimism, and happiness is also contagious. We can as just as easily "infect" people around us with our positive mindset as we can with our negative mindset.

During this flu and cold season, where everyone seems to be spreading something around, I can think of no better way to sum up what I learned than with the words of author Germany Kent.

How to change the world:

• spread positivity

• bring people up instead of dragging them down

• treat others the way you wish to be treated