The Grass is Greener Where We Water It

I recently co-facilitated a Parent Wellness Circle and after a few meetings one of the parents reported that she was describing our weekly gatherings to others as her "anti-Facebook group." She went on to explain that she was not so much against Facebook, but that she sometimes found herself stressed by what her friends, especially other parents, were always posting on social media. We all agreed that the tendency on Facebook, as with our public lives in general, is to share only the happy and positive moments. Sometimes she found herself wishing her life as a parent could be as seemingly easy as what she was seeing others share online. She was grateful to have the opportunity to gather with other parents in our wellness circle, a safe place where we all were willing to share just how imperfect our lives really were. When I was growing up if my parents ever heard me saying that I envied someone else's life, I was offered the well known refrain, "Remember, the grass is greener on the other side of the fence." I'm guessing you may have heard, too. I'm also sure I responded with the same eye roll that my kids gave me when I shared this advice with them. It wasn't until I was a young adult that I actually understood what that advice meant. Even then it didn't stop me from wishing some part of my life could be like someone else's. Heck, I find myself still doing that on occasion even today.

A few years ago I heard a new version of the "grass is greener" advice that I have found to be additionally helpful, "The grass is greener where we water it." The first time I heard that statement it brought me up short. It is such a masterful way of inviting us to redirect the wasteful energy of envy, to instead figuring out what we can do to water growth in our own lives.

Just the other day, for example, I heard someone share how disciplined they are about not working at home in the evening-not even checking their work email. I immediately found myself envious, wishing my life could be like that. Hmm...perhaps instead a more productive use of my energy would be taking some small steps, watering some small changes in my daily habits, with the intent of creating a better work/life balance.

Of course not all things we envy in others are realistically within reach or possible for us. Life isn't always fair and we all face certain hard realities that can't be changed, some more than others unfortunately. And no simple piece of wisdom applies all the time. I find that the wisdom of the "The grass is greener where you water it," to be quite applicable (but again not always so) in regard to relational and spiritual wellness. If we water our relationships they have a better chance of flourishing. If we dedicate time and energy to our spiritual lives they will also grow. In fact, in most areas of our lives, what we water grows.

Is there a relationship in your life that you wish was stronger or happier? How might you water that relationship?

Do you wish you were more spiritually grounded or centered? Again, what might you do today or this week to water your spiritual life?

Or is there some area of your life that is in need of tending?

Keep It Simple

In the last two days I have received four different emails inviting me to simplify my life. Each invitation addressed a different dimension of simplicity—eating more simply, decluttering my home, organizing my finances, and practicing mindfulness as the key to living simply. The timing of these emails tells me two things. First, it’s a new year and thus many people are reflecting on making changes in habits and daily routines, and some form of simplifying their life is no doubt on many people’s lists.  Second, simplicity programs and accompanying advice are proliferating in direct proportion to the number of people who are feeling overwhelmed by the complexity of their lives. When the student is ready, the teacher will arise.

At the risk of offering just one more piece of advice about keeping life simple, I share the straightforward wisdom contained in the quote box at the top of this column.  I invite you to try a simple exercise. Read the eight questions through slowly and as you do, see if there is one question that really speaks to you today. See if there one that, “has your name on it.”

If there is one that speaks to you, perhaps you could resolve to do the simple action that is connected with the question. With this all on my mind yesterday, I did this little exercise myself, and found that the last question was the one that spoke to me. Today I intentionally expressed my love to someone to whom I had not done so for a while, and it was a simple, beautiful experience for both of us.

    So what question speaks to you?

And how might you respond to that question in the days ahead?

Artisans of the Common Good

My columns for the last two weeks have focused on New Year's resolutions. I hadn't felt a need to write a third one on this topic until I read about a homily that Pope Francis gave on New Year's Eve. A compelling column by David Brooks of the The New York Times brought Pope Francis' homily to my attention and when you have a few minutes I highly recommend you click on this link to read it.

My favorite line from the homily was Francis' call to all of us to be, "artisans of the common good." Imagine what it would mean if in addition to any self-improvement resolutions we set, we each also resolved to be more intentional about our being artisans of the common good, people who give back to our local communities, so community members who live there could benefit in some way.

There is much to be anxious about in the world today. It is sometimes hard to know  what impact, if any, we can have on the larger issues of our day. Pope Francis reminds us that much of the day to day well-being of what does happen in our families, neighborhoods, and communities, is something we can impact. We can, in fact, take more seriously our role as co-creators of the common good in each of these places.

I recently observed a parent support group at a school with more than its share of challenges. I heard first hand from the parents, teachers, and administrators in attendance that their school is exceptional because of the level of involvement by parents and other adult volunteers who are making up for a shortage of staffing due to budget concerns. These parents and other volunteers are clearing acting as artisans of the common good.

I know a high school teacher who regularly recruits teens to commit a full day to collecting litter and clearing trails along in a local river park. I am also inspired by a member of my extended family who lives in the independent living section of a retirement community, and who spends time almost every day making visits to people with dementia and other difficulties in the skilled care section of her community. I know countless people who are active in their faith communities, people who regularly serve those in their surrounding community, as well as taking care of one another in times of need.

I know that I am not alone in worrying about some of the macro-concerns in our world. While I can, and must, do my part to address these larger issues, I also am resolving now to renew my commitment to addressing the micro-concerns I encounter daily, and to becoming more intentional about being an artisan of the common good in my corner of the world.

When It Comes to Wellness, Put Your Whole Self In

Children's songs are some of my favorite music because there is a simplicity and silliness to many children's songs that makes them infectious and fun to sing.  Just reading the words, "If you're happy and you know it..."  probably has you singing along in your head right now, and perhaps even getting ready to clap your hands. There is one children's song, The Hokey Pokey, that has always been my favorite.  I play guitar and I love to sing for both children and elders, and both groups seem to love to sing this song, getting up and moving as able, whenever they hear it.  Of course, we never just sing The Hokey Pokey, we do The Hokey Pokey.  This fun combination of singing and moving is probably why this song is so memorable.

As we all know, The Hokey Pokey begins by inviting us to "put our right hand in," and then to take it out, put it back in, and shake it all about.  After that we are directed to do the Hokey Pokey and then turn ourselves about.  The song progresses from there by inviting us to put our left hand in, and then our right leg and left leg, and then our head, and the favorite verse for children-put our "backside" in. The song builds up to the final verse where we are invited to put, "...our whole selves in."

So what does this children's song have to do with wellness? Whether or not you are the kind of person that makes resolutions, it is natural as we begin a new year, to take stock of our well-being and reflect on any changes that we might want to make. The Hokey Pokey reminds us that as we take stock of our lives, we are wise to not just put part of our selves in, but rather to "put our whole selves in." If we want to make a change, we are wise to look at how all the various dimensions for our wellness are interacting and affecting each other.

Let's say, for example, that a person sets a New Year's resolution to get more sleep because they are chronically tired and keep waking up during the night worrying about things. A wholistic, "putting your whole self in," approach to dealing with this problem would be to look at all dimensions of their wellness-physical, relational, emotional, spiritual, vocational, financial, and social. Observing themselves from all angles helps them to see that multiple factors are most likely contributing to their unwanted sleep pattern. A sleep disturbance could be caused by stress at work, stress in a relationship, underlying physical issues, financial worries, etc. and identifying the source of the problem is the first step towards creating more wellness.

This broader awareness might lead to a multi-pronged strategy, and a need to make changes in several areas of one's life. A more narrow approach would be to simply start taking sleep medication, which may temporarily relieve the symptoms, but will not  address the underlying causes.

Surveys show that most people are not successful in keeping resolutions to change. One reason may be because they are not "putting their whole selves in" and are not addressing the ways in which their various dimensions of wellness are interconnected.

I am not sure if simply doing The Hokey Pokey on a regular basis is, in and of itself, good for one's overall well-being but I am sure, though, that putting "our whole selves in," when resolving to make positive changes that affect our wellness, is what it's all about.

The Why of Change

It's the time of year when people make new year's resolutions. Here, according to Time magazine, is a list of the ten most common resolutions that people have made in recent years:  

1. Lose Weight and Get Fit

2. Quit Smoking

3. Learn Something New

4. Eat Healthier

5. Get Out of Debt and Save Money

6. Spend More Time with Family

7. Travel to New Places

8. Be Less Stressed

9. Volunteer

10. Drink Less

And what would you guess is the success rate for people sticking to their resolutions? The most common figure given is 8%. That's right, on average, 8% of people follow through on their resolutions for six months or longer. Perhaps this is why now 38% of people say that they never make New Year's resolutions.

Whether or not we make resolutions this time of year, we all know that creating sustained and lasting change is difficult. This is as true for individuals as it is for couples, families, and organizations. Our habits and routines become comfortable over time, and so by definition a change in those habits and routines is uncomfortable. The bigger the change we try to make, the greater the discomfort and apparently most like to avoid discomfort.

I believe that one of the reasons that resolutions to change fail (whether at New Year's or any other time) so often is because most resolutions to change focus far too much on the what and not nearly enough on the why. Connecting with the why we want to do something helps us to connect with the deeper emotional or spiritual reasons that we want to grow, which is different from merely making a change.

A parent who wants to change their critical tone with their child will be more likely to make that change if they first reconnect with their love for their child and their deep emotional and spiritual awareness that their child is a gift and worthy of respect. A desire to make a healthy life style change will have a greater chance of succeeding when it is grounded in a higher purpose, such as wanting to have more energy to bring to one's work, service to others, or to share with friends and family. Many people who follow a spiritual path, are wanting to make changes in their lives on an ongoing basis (not just beginning of a new year), ones that more fully align their lives with their spiritual ideals, such as loving their neighbor, caring for the environment, seeking peace and reconciliation in the world, or living with greater kindness and patience toward others. Spirituality focuses on the why of our lives, which in turn gives rise to what, if any, resolutions to change we may wish to make. The question then for all of us is why do we do what we do? Why do we want to work hard to make the changes we desire?

We at Living Compass would like to wish you all a Happy New Year. And if you are thinking about making a change this time of year, we invite you to first take some time to reflect on why you want to make that change. Connecting with the deeper spiritual and emotional reasons you want to change will not only help you clarify what you want to change, but will greatly increase the likelihood that the change will last.