Living and Leading with Trust and Integrity

     Each of us is a leader in one way or another. If the decisions you make and the way you live your life influences at least one other person, then you are a leader. As our nation prepares to celebrate Presidents' Day, I would like to reflect on the theme of leadership, not from a political perspective, but from the perspective of what this column focuses on each week, namely the integration of spiritual, physical, emotional, and relational wellness. In the previous sentence I used a form of the word that is related to what I believe is the most important ingredient in any successful leader, and that is integrity. Integrity is related to the word integration, and a successful leader is a person who lives their live in a way that is whole and undivided. They are integrated spiritually, physically, emotionally and relationally, in all aspects of their life.

Take a few minutes right now to think back over your life to people in your life whose leadership has had a positive effect on you.

As you look at the list of the people you remembered, whether they were your parent, teacher, coach, boss, religious leader, or political leader, I imagine that what they all have in common is that they were people of integrity.  They were people you trusted, not only based on the content of their ideas, but also on the content of their character. They were probably also positive people who showed a strong integration between how they lived and how they led. The way they lived and treated people in their personal lives was congruent with how they led and treated people in their public roles.

Leadership is not only about knowledge and good ideas, although those are essential. Leadership is also about relationship, integrity, and trust.  It is one thing to say, "I don't agree with a leader's position or decision on a particular topic." It is quite another thing to say, "I don't trust this leader, I don't believe this person has integrity." I can follow the lead of someone with whom I disagree, but who has integrity and is someone I trust. It is difficult, if not impossible, for me to follow the lead of someone who I believe does not have integrity, and who I do not trust.

There is no question that we are all leaders in some form or another, simply because we all influence the people we connect with on a regular basis. The question is whether we are leading with integrity and trust.  Integrity and trustworthiness are not traits that can be faked. They are instead character traits that are developed from the inside out, and are demonstrated by an integration between how we live and how we lead over time.

I am not an expert on the life of Abraham Lincoln, one of the Presidents who inspired the creation of our Presidents' Day holiday, but the people I know who have studied his life closely describe him as a person of strong character and integrity, and also a person of deep humility and vulnerability. It is well known that both Lincoln and his wife struggled with bouts of depression, a fact that perhaps can help dispel the myth that a leader has to always be perfect, strong, and in control.

As we think of the leaders who have most positively influenced us in our lives, may we aspire to be positive leaders ourselves, who while at times are imperfect and vulnerable, are known for living and leading our lives with trust and integrity.

Standing In Love

As Valentine’s Day approaches, the topic of love will of course be much discussed. Much of that discussion will focus on the feelings associated with love. Advice will be given on how to create the feeling of love, how to sustain the feeling, and how to rekindle the feeling of love if it begins to fade.  

I am deciding to take a little different focus. I am not going to focus on the feelings of love at Valentine’s Day, but instead I’m going to focus on some “thoughts of love.” These thoughts about love apply to all expressions of love--the love of a spouse, a partner, a child, a parent or other family member, and/or a friend.

The first thought I’d like to offer about love is that love is not primarily a feeling, but rather, love is instead a decision. There are two pieces of wisdom embedded in this statement. The first is that feelings in any relationship ebb and flow. Feelings, like moods, sometimes have a cycle of their own and can seldom be trusted as a true measure of the state of a relationship. The second is that love is not just a matter of the heart, but is very much an act of the will. An exhausted parent who lovingly cares for a sick child, or an older person who becomes a caregiver to their aging spouse, is making a decision to be loving, even during times when they may not be feeling an abundance of loving feelings.

Whenever the topic of love is discussed, inevitably the discussion will turn to the idea of falling in love. Movies, books, and television shows often focus on, and celebrate the “falling in love” stage of a relationship. If a person knew nothing else about love except what the media portrays, one would think that falling in love was what love must be like  all the time. Anyone who has been in love, of course knows differently. The head over heals rush of falling in love is as powerful and wonderful as it is transitory. So given the fact that falling in love is such a small phase of any relationship, I would like to invite us to reflect on the importance of what comes after falling in love and that is learning to stand in love. Standing in love is an extension of the idea that love is not just a feeling, but also a decision.  Regardless of what we may or may not be feeling we can make a decision to stand in love in any relationship.

Some of the most beautiful words ever written about love do not talk about the feeling of love or falling in love at all, but instead about what it means to stand in love.

“Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13

This description of love refers to a series of decisions that we can choose to make each day. We can decide to be patient and kind. We can decide to not be irritable or rude. We can decide to endure and to believe.

So this Valentine’s Day, let’s not just focus on falling in love. Let’s also recommit ourselves to standing in love, as we make the decision to better love the family and friends that we are blessed to have in our lives.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. Decide to make it a great day!

Walking Humbly

     Have you ever had the experience of hearing or reading something that, even though you have encountered it countless times before, all of a sudden speaks to you in a whole new way? I had such an experience last week as I sat in church listening to words that were written some 2,600 years ago.  The reading was from the Book of Micah, a book of the Hebrew Scriptures, that contains these words, "What does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?" Micah 6:8. Walking humbly was not something I valued or aspired to when I was young.  In fact, the way I walked was just the opposite.  When I was young, I felt then that I knew all of the answers, now however, I have as many questions as I have answers. This makes me think of a quote from the twentieth century monk and author Thomas Merton, "Pride makes us artificial and humility makes us real."  My youthful pride in thinking I knew it all was, in retrospect, quite artificial, and was in reality a symptom of my youthful insecurity.

Reflecting on Merton's quote, I have come to realize that the people in my life who I know to be most real and authentic are also humble people.  These are the people I admire most and want to learn from.  They walk humbly, and interestingly enough, although I don't think it is a coincidence, they are also people who love mercy and act justly, just as Micah directed us to do so many years ago.

One of my other favorite quotes about humility comes from C.S. Lewis, "Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less."  Humility means not needing to be the center of attention, not insisting on your own way, not needing to get recognition for a good deed done, and not needing to compare oneself to anyone else.

I recently returned from a ten day trip to the land where the prophet Micah wrote his words about the importance of acting justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly.  2,600 years after Micah wrote those words, the inhabitants of Israel and Palestine are clearly struggling to figure exactly how to live out those words, just as we in our country are as well.  That, in itself, is cause for great humility, as each of us must discern in our own lives just exactly what it means to act justly, and love mercy, as we walk humbly with our God.

What Are You Spreading?

     It's cold and flu season here in the North and so I have recently encountered many people who are either getting over a bad cold or a case of the flu recently. The first words I usually hear from someone who is on the tail end of being sick are, "I'm pretty sure I'm not contagious anymore, so I don't think you have to worry." The recovering person is usually, however, careful not to shake hands, just in case there is still a slight chance that what they have might still be contagious. We, of course, know that illnesses like a cold or the flu can spread easily if we are not careful. What we may have not given as much thought to is the fact that emotional illnesses or "dis-eases" can spread just as easily as physical ones, and in some cases an emotional "dis-ease" can be just as dangerous and destructive. If a child grows up in a family, for example, where they witness abusive fighting and arguing, they are much more likely to engage in the same behavior when they become adults. If a child grows up in a home where alcohol or other drugs are abused, they are more likely to do the same in later life as well. These kind of "dis-eases" are clearly contagious.

Even less obvious emotional "dis-eases" can be  contagious and destructive, too. Imagine, for example, a parent who comes home from work every day angry and agitated because they don't like their job. If they are not careful, their anger and agitation will likely spill out onto everyone else in the home, infecting them with negative thoughts and feelings as well.  In no time, the whole household will likely feel unhappy and people will either begin to be critical of one another, or to isolate.  It's as if the parent came home from work with a horrible cough, and then proceeded to spread the germs around by coughing all over everyone. If this pattern of "coughing on others" happens on a regular basis, the pain and suffering that results can gradually erode the fabric of the family.

What can we do to prevent this kind of "emotional dis-ease" from infecting ourselves or others? If a family member or friend is a source of negativity, sarcasm, cynicism. or bad moods we can compassionately--but firmly--reflect this back to them. We can kindly and respectfully ask them to reflect upon the  causes of their negativity and ask them to stop "coughing or sneezing" on us. When we do this we want to stay connected with them as they try to address their "dis-ease," and share with them how much we appreciate their taking our concerns seriously. Holding up a mirror up to their behavior and supporting them in making changes does two things. It protects us from passively becoming infected, and it shows our love and concern for the other person.

We also need to be willing to hold ourselves accountable, knowing that any of us can catch an emotional "dis-ease." If upon reflection we realize that we have become infected, we will first need to minimize the spreading of our unpleasantness to others. And if we realize at some point that our "dis-ease" is chronic we may need get help to treat it-just as we would if we had a chronic physical ailment.

Our negativity, sarcasm, cynicism and bad moods are indeed contagious--that's the bad news. The good news is that our positive moods--our joy, peace, humor, love and happiness are also contagious. We can as just as easily "infect" people around us with our positive energy as we can with our negative energy.

So when it comes to our emotional wellness (or lack there of) the answer to the question, "Are you and I contagious?" is always, "Yes we are!"   The next question to consider then is whether we are contagious with--negativity or positivity--and what kind of emotional energy are we spreading to our loved ones, friends, and the wider community.

Staying Connected in the Midst of Conflict

I am currently in Israel on a trip through the Holy Lands and so am sharing a column that I wrote six years ago regarding being in relationship with people who have strong differences of opinion regarding politics.  It is interesting how relevant it still is both in Israel, in the United States, and throughout the world.   With the recent intensity of political division in our country people are being presented with plenty of opportunities to practice their conflict resolution skills.  Family members, friends, and colleagues who find themselves on opposite ends of the political spectrum are finding their relationships challenged, as emotions are high and the language on both sides becomes increasingly more inflammatory.  Thus, it seems that now is good time to share a few thoughts about how to manage and/or resolve conflict, so that healthy relationships can be maintained, and maybe even strengthened, in the midst of conflict.

I write from two perspectives, as a marriage and family therapist and as an Episcopal priest.  As a therapist, I help couples and families resolve conflict every day.  As a pastor, I work with faith communities that are  made up people who represent the full range of  political views, conservative to liberal.

So from these two perspectives, I offer a few tips on how to maintain healthy connections with others, even in the midst of conflict. This is list is by no means meant to be exhaustive.

• Listen.  Listen.  Listen.  Few people make the mistake of listening too much, especially in the midst of conflict.  Listen to the position of the other person until you understand it so well that you can articulate it just as clearly as your own.  Somehow people have confused compassionate listening and understanding with agreeing.  They are not the same.  Mutual listening and understanding are foundational to conflict resolution, and remember that if through listening you find your position changing somewhat, this is not a sign of weakness.

• Understand the narrative that has given rise to the other person’s position.  All positions, all view points, are embedded in a life narrative that has been formed and informed by important people, places, experiences, core values and beliefs unique to that person.   Knowing all of this will help you understand the emotions that the person connects with their position.  At the same time, be aware of your own narrative, your own life experiences that have formed and shaped your positions and view points. When you encounter a person whose opinions are very different from your own, a couple of great questions to ask are, “How did you come to believe what you believe? Who were the important people and what where the important life experiences that formed the opinions you have today?”

• Remember that the problem or issue which is being debated is the problem, and don’t make the person with whom you are disagreeing the problem.

• Avoid inflammatory language and always avoid demonizing the other person.  Never resort to name calling or degrading language. Be respectful at all times.  Practice humility.  Articulate your perspective strongly, but know that in any complex matter, there are intelligent, ethical, well-meaning people who see things differently than you do.  Affirm what unites you, rather than merely focusing on what divides you.  There are often higher ideals that both sides agree on, even though they  disagree on the best way to enact those ideals.  If possible, look for genuine ways you can “meet in the middle” and when you cannot, then assert and act on your opinions and beliefs in a way that is respectful.

Times of conflict, believe it or not, can even strengthen a relationship because during such times we show our deepest passions, and what it is that truly defines us. Through that process we will also come to know one another more fully.  There is a vulnerability when we reveal our deepest passions and ideals to  one another, and this has the potential to deepen relationships.  If we can do this with respect, integrity and compassion, we will find that we can maintain healthy relationships, even in the midst of conflict.