The Wisdom Is In The Room

     Just before Christmas I had the honor of spending an hour with a group of forty elders at their retirement community. The occasion for my visit was that I had been invited to come and give a talk about "How To Maintain Spiritual and Emotional Wellness Through the Season of Winter."  Here in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, the days are quite short this time of year and it is important for all of us, no matter how old or young we are, to be proactive about staying well. I accepted this invitation without hesitation because I have found that I always benefit from spending time with people who have more years of wisdom on this earth than I do. I began my time with these wonderful people, most of them in their 80's and 90's, by sharing with them a core teaching from our Living Compass wellness programs. That teaching is, "The wisdom is already in the room."  This teaching is a reminder that whenever a group of people gather to discuss wellness and wholeness, every person brings  a great deal of wisdom with them. It is also an effective way to remind people that the most important wisdom can be found within what people already know and not necessarily in what some presumed "expert" knows.

So as I began my "talk" at the retirement community, surrounded by a room full of wise souls, I said, "The wisdom is already here in the room.  You have gained it over the years and have brought it with you today, and together we are going to learn from each other about how to enhance our spiritual and emotional wellness." I'm delighted to report that they spent the next hour proving my assumption to be correct.

I had a large pad of paper on an easel and together, as a community, we worked to create a list of essential habits and practices they gleaned as being good for the nurturing of one's heart and soul. What made the list  so powerful, is not just the ideas that were shared, but the context within which they were shared. Many of the elders shared quite personally about very real challenges they were facing, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and so the wisdom they shared was clearly coming deep from their life experiences. I made sure to copy the list and I share it with you here. I hope you enjoy and appreciate the wisdom I found in this group as much as I did.

"Things That Strengthen One's Spiritual and Emotional Wellness as Shared by the Residents of St.John's on the Lake, Milwaukee, WI, December, 2016"

Cultivating an "Attitude of Gratitude"

Reading books on spirituality

Serving others

Spending more time with friends-not isolating

Spending more time with children

Forgiving freely-others and yourself

Letting go of regrets

Not taking yourself too seriously

Praying, meditating, embracing being quiet

Singing as often as possible

Spending more time listening, rather than just talking

Learning to accept and love things as they are, including your aging body

Supporting one another

Laughing more

Staying active, trying to move some every day

Finding the blessing in each day

Remembering the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer

Every time you see someone, even if you don't know them, greet them with a smile

Reflecting back on this experience, I know one thing I would add to this list as something that I believe always enhances our spiritual and emotional wellness: Spending more time with the elders in our families and in our communities.

The Roots of Change

I took our now dried and brittle Christmas tree out to the curb the other day, and placed it on top of a snow bank. (Those of you who are not so fortunate to live in a northern, winter climate like Wisconsin, will have to use your imagination.) It wasn't alone out there as many of our neighbors had recently done the same. Even though Christmas is over, it's still a sad sight to see all the discarded Christmas trees waiting to be picked up and taken away to be turned into wood chips somewhere. Even though we are only a week into the new year I have already had three people tell me that they have given up on their resolutions for making a change. It seems that, at least for some people, their resolutions are being discarded, right along with their Christmas trees.

The reason a Christmas tree dries out and needs to be discarded is obvious-the tree has been cut off from its roots. In a similar manner, resolutions to change that are cut off from their roots are also bound to die quickly. Unless we deal with the root of the issue we want to address with our resolution, our efforts to change will rarely succeed. This is true for individuals, couples, families, and organizations as well. Perhaps if you have made a New Year's resolution you may have already discovered that keeping a  a resolution is more complex than you may have thought.

For example, let's imagine a couple has made a resolution to make a positive change in their relationship. They have been feeling distant from each other so together they resolve to start having a weekly date night.  The first date night goes fairly well. They feel good about themselves for acting on this resolution. The second date night, however, does not go so well. One spouse begins to criticize the other's parenting, creating a reaction of, "I'm sick and tired of always being told what's wrong with me." This creates a reaction of, "If you'd ever listen to me, maybe I wouldn't have to keep repeating myself!" As you can imagine the third date night never happens. Why? Because some of the roots of the problem in the marriage, unhelpful communication patterns, along with old hurts, have not been addressed. Unless that becomes the new focus for their resolution, the weekly date night resolution will most likely not succeed.

This example could easily be applied to any relationship that we seek to improve. Old histories, old patterns-the roots of the problem- will inevitably emerge as we seek to change and grow with each other.  Knowing and understanding this is crucial as  this helps prevent us from becoming discouraged when our attempts to change are not initially successful. "Failed" attempts at change, usually means we haven't yet focused on the root of the problem.

As the root of the problem emerges we can make a new resolution to deal with it. In the example above, the couple could go back to the drawing board and create a new resolution to work on their communication. They might resolve to get some coaching or counseling, sign up for a marriage education class, or together read a book on healthy communication.

Remember that any attempt to make meaningful change, in any area of our lives, will  eventually surface the challenges  that have been preventing the change. If you experience this happening, simply refocus your resolution to work on addressing the roots of the issue. By keeping your resolutions to change connected to their deeper roots, you will improve the chances that your resolutions won't soon end up on out at the curb, discarded in early January, just like a dried out Christmas tree.

A Novel Approach to Setting New Year's Resolutions

A few years ago I received a great deal of positive feedback about a column I wrote regarding a novel approach to setting New Year's resolutions. Based on the feedback, I thought it would be helpful to share some of those ideas in an updated format, in case you are looking for help in setting some resolutions for 2017. If you want to try a different approach to setting a New Year's resolutions this year, try outsourcing them. Outsourcing your resolutions means that instead of making resolutions that you decide on by yourself, you ask someone close to you what resolutions they would like to see you make, and then follow their lead. That someone could be a child, a spouse, a friend, a parent, a colleague or anyone who knows you well. One of the interesting parts of this novel approach to resolutions is that in the process we get honest feedback from others. We learn what changes we could make that would both benefit ourselves and, most likely, our relationship with that person.

I see the potential for great reward and great risk in approaching New Year's resolutions in this way. The reward is that people that are close to us can sometimes see better than we can where our lives may need a slight change. When our own emotional, spiritual, or physical wellness is out of balance, the people closest to us will sometimes recognize it before we do. Asking them what resolutions they might suggest for us would be a good way of honoring their honest feedback. Also when we ask others to assist us with creating our resolutions it helps strengthen our relationship with that person.

The risk in doing this is that the conversation could turn into a gripe session, where one or both people merely air their criticisms of each other, missing the opportunity to create positive resolutions which could lead to positive change and growth. So we need to be thoughtful about who we ask, and how we ask them.

Personal resolutions like eating better, spending more time at the gym, or getting our desks cleared off are, of course, great in and of themselves.  If we try this new approach of outsourcing our resolutions though, we will probably find that we get ideas for resolutions that are more relational. We might hear any of the following, "You could resolve to spend more time with the family," or "You could resolve to go on a trip  with me this year," or "You could support me more in my desire to change jobs," or "I find that you are sometimes very critical of yourself and of me, and I would really like for you to work on softening that criticism."

There is one other great benefit to inviting others to help us set our resolutions. By inviting them to be a part of the process we are creating a built-in accountability and support system, one that will maximize our chances for succeeding at our resolutions--and that is always a good thing.

We at Living Compass all wish you all the best for 2017 and wish you great success in keeping your resolutions, no matter how you choose to set them.

The Heart of Christmas 2016

About this time every year I reread How The Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss. This story, like the story of Christmas, always brings new joy to me, and its message is always just what I need hear. In the language of our Living Compass Wellness Initiative, the Grinch, at the beginning of the story is clearly experiencing a lack of wellness-emotional, spiritual, and relational. While we never learn the reason for this, we do know that his lack of wellness is described as his heart being "two sizes too small."

As is often the case when a person is not well, the Grinch resents the joy and wellness of others around him. In the story the Whos down in Whoville are quite well, and are anticipating the celebration of Christmas with great joy. In distain the Grinch conspires  to rob them of the emotional, spiritual, and relational wellness that they are experiencing. Thinking that their joy is connected to their material presents, he succeeds in stealing all their gifts, assuming this will cause their hearts and souls to also become two sizes too small-just like his.

I'll let Dr. Seuss speak for himself about what happens when the Grinch discovers how the Whos actually react to his attempt steal their Christmas joy.

But this... this sound wasn't sad. Why... this sound sounded glad. Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small, was singing, without any presents at all! He hadn't stopped Christmas from coming, it came! Somehow or other... it came just the same.

He puzzled and puzzled till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. Maybe Christmas, he thought... doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps... means a little bit more!

And what happened, then? Well, in Whoville they say that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. And then - the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found the strength of ten Grinches, plus two!

The message is clear. The true meaning of Christmas is that God's Love has entered our broken world to bring hope and healing.  And so we celebrate that this Love is more powerful than any Grinch-like constriction that any of our's hearts or souls may be experiencing.

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it."   John 1:5.

We at Living Compass wish all of you a most Blessed and Merry Christmas. And may all our hearts grow three sizes, too, as they fill with the Love of Christmas this year.

The Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Yet to Come

Throughout the years I have seen several different productions of "A Christmas Carol," and one of the things I enjoy most is seeing how the three ghosts of Christmas (past, present, and yet to come) are portrayed by the different directors.  There is plenty of room for creative expression when it comes to casting the characters of the three ghosts, and bringing them to life on the stage. You and I are the directors of our own Christmas stories each year. And we too, are allowed plenty of creative expression when it comes to how we will cast the ghosts of Christmas past, Christmas present and Christmas yet to come. We are each visited by the ghosts of "Christmas past" this time of year.  Some people have wonderful memories of Christmases past that fill their hearts. And yet, at the same time, these thoughts are often accompanied by sadness, as they realize what has passed  will never be again.  Others may be sad because of a hurt or sadness that happened during a bygone Christmas. Either way, a kind of grief can be a part of this season. Our grief, of course, goes hand and hand with our gratitude for the season and the celebration of the One that came to dwell amongst us.

There is also a version of “Christmas yet to come” that can create an unnecessary burden for us.  With all the images of happy friends and families with perfectly decorated homes, it is easy to be fooled into thinking that everyone else is having the “perfect” Christmas experience, and unless we have the same we are being left out of this experience.  Such thinking can lead us to look ahead to some future time when we, too, will be able to celebrate a “perfect” Christmas, where there will be more than enough money for presents, where everyone will get along perfectly, and all the preparations will be beautiful. Grieving over the past, or dreaming of some idealized future, are places where any of us can get stuck.

The key to not getting stuck in the past or the future, is to fully embrace "Christmas present."  We do this by "loving what is," by fully entering into the delight--and perhaps the challenges--that this Christmas brings us.   The One whose birth we celebrate is present in the best of times and the hardest of times, and isn't that, after all, what the celebration of Christmas is all about?