A Balanced Portfolio

Later today I will have the honor of preaching a homily at the funeral for Ab NIcholas, a dear friend and mentor of mine.  Ab died peacefully, but unexpectedly, in his sleep last week at the age of 85.  Ab and his wife Nancy are the primary benefactors of the foundation that has made possible the creation of the Living Compass Wellness Initiative. Those of us who are a part of Living Compass are most grateful to be able to carry on Ab’s legacy, which has always involved a strong commitment to helping others. Ab’s obituary was featured on the front page of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel this past Sunday.  You can read it here.  http://www.jsonline.com/story/money/2016/08/04/albert-o-ab-nicholas-dies/88273344/

Ab grew up in Rockford, IL with two loving parents whose influence on him was profound. He talked about his parents on a regular basis and never forgot the sacrifices they made for he and his two brothers.  After hours of practicing at his local Boys and Girls Club and then playing in high school he earned a basketball scholarship to the University of Wisconsin. He played on the school’s team from 1948-1951, winning first all Big Ten team honors in his junior and senior years, and second team All-American is senior year.

A few years later Ab started the Nicholas Company in 1967 with the launching of the Nicholas Fund, which is now a part of a family of six Nicholas mutual funds.  Starting with very little, the Nicholas Funds have grown in value to over five billion dollars under management.  Ab continued to co-manage this fund with his son David until the day he passed away.

With this professional success Ab, here in his beloved Wisconsin, became a very well known public person,something that always amazed him and he never could quite comprehend.  ashat truly defined Ab though was his private life, his commitment to his faith and to his family.   He and his wife Nancy were married for 63 years and he would have said that together their three children and seven grandchildren were the most meaningful and important investments they ever made.

Ab was a lifetime member of the Episcopal Church and his Christian faith was the center of his life.  He never missed church on Sundays, and regularly attended weekday services, too.

He always credited his faith with keeping him humble and grounded, and keeping him oriented toward what was most important in life, living an honorable and generous life.

I will never forget the conversations Ab and I would have about faith and wellness and how closely the principles that undergird them are the same as those that apply to the world of investing. When Living Compass was first being developed, Ab wanted to understand all of the concepts that are taught in the materials.  I explained that one essential aspect of wellness was having a sense of balance by nurturing and tending to all areas of wellness, including spiritual, physical, emotional, relational, and vocational wellness.

I’ll never forget how excited he was when he heard all this because, as he went on to explain, a commitment to balance is also one of the keys to good investing.  He explained that it is essential to have a balanced portfolio and not ever be overly invested in any one stock, or one in sector of the economy.  He went on to say that it was important to review a portfolio balance on a regular basis because things change and it is important to adapt as needed. A balanced approach to both investing and to wellness is important we agreed.

Ab had one of the most balanced portfolios of any person I know,and by that I not only referring to his financial investments , but to his life investments as well.  His balanced life portfolio can be seen in the strong investments he made to his marriage, children, and grandchildren, to his physical well-being, his spiritual well-being , and in his commitment to generosity to many places within the wider community.

In honor of Ab, I invite each of usl to reflect on our life investments, and to examine how balanced our portfolios are. With Ab’s passing  have been doing that myself  this week, and I have come to realize, for example, that I want to invest more time and energy to my community and neighborhood.  I need to invest  in that area of my wellness portfolio, and in Ab’s honor I am committing to make that happen.  What about you?  What area of wellness could benefit from your investing a little more time and energy?

 I close with my expression of gratitude for the ways in which Ab Nicholas has invested in the work of Living Compass.  May we continue to honor his gift in all that we do each and every day, for many years to come.  Thank you Ab for your generosity and your example, but thank you most of all for your friendship.  

Inspiring Others

 Scott is on vacation this week and so we are sharing a column that he wrote right after the 2012 Summer Olympics.  Note that this column begins with a story about Michael Phelps who will be the flag bearer for the US Olympic team in Rio for the opening ceremonies later today.   My wife, Holly, who loves swimming laps, was at the pool yesterday and witnessed a powerful example of just how important role models can be.  Three ten-year old boys were getting ready to jump into the pool to race each other to the other end.  As she watched them, she noticed that each of the boys was bending over and warming up by doing the Michael Phelps’ arm flap.  And of course, being ten year old boys, they immediately began to argue over which one had the right to pretend they were Michael Phelps.  The life guard threw out the names of other famous swimmers in an attempt to settle the disagreement, but they all wanted to be Phelps.   Clearly these boys, like many of us, have been avid fans of the summer games in London.

Excellence is contagious.  When we witness it--when we are fortunate to be close to it--it rubs off on us.  It inspires us to want to be excellent, too.  This past weekend I had the good fortune to be surrounded by excellence and it has inspired me throughout the week.

My wife and I rode in the Wisconsin MS Bike Ride this past weekend.  The ride is a two day fundraising event involving 1,400 riders who travel up to two hundred miles across Wisconsin from Milwaukee to Whitewater on Saturday and from Whitewater on to Madison on Sunday.   This year riders once again raised over one million dollars to help eliminate MS.  This was our second time participating in the ride and I can say it was, again, one of the most inspiring experiences I have ever had.

There were definitely some amazing cyclists participating in this fundraising event,   men and women with exceptional skills and stamina.  Throughout the weekend as they rode by me I would try to pick up some tips on form or on drafting and, like the boys my wife witnessed at the pool yesterday, I would try to imitate some of their habits in an attempt to improve my own riding.  Their skills and physical excellence were contagious indeed.

As inspiring as the physical excellence of my fellow riders was this past weekend, they are not the people that continue to inspire me five days later.  There was another show of strength that I was privileged to witness up close that I have also been trying to imitate this week.  The weekend bike ride for MS provided me with numerous opportunities to talk with people who are battling MS and/or their loved ones who are supporting them in their battle with MS.

The emotional and spiritual determination, courage, and strength of the people I met with MS, along with supportive friends and family, was as inspiring as anything I have seen in the Olympics.   Having lunch with four young husbands of women who have MS and listening to their stories of commitment, love, and devotion to their wives was transformative.   I found the strength of character that has been both developed and revealed while both battling MS and supporting a loved one with the disease to be contagious.  I want more of what they have. I aspire to the emotional and spiritual excellence that I see in them.  I want to imitate their emotional and spiritual strength as much as those ten-year old boys at the pool want to imitate Michael Phelps.  They are true role models for me.

Who inspires you to excellence, whether it be physically, emotionally, or spiritually? Who are you in a position to inspire?   This past weekend reminded me that we all have the capacity to inspire excellence in others in a variety of unique ways.  In our families, our friendships, our work teams, and our congregations we have many opportunities to inspire one another.

Nancy, Dee, Judy, and Mary are four of the people that inspired me this week. Upon finishing the MS Bike Ride on Sunday, these four MS survivors, sitting in chairs waiting to sign each rider's bib number as a sign of appreciation for participating in the event, each gave me a hug and autographed my number.  At that moment those autographs meant more to me than one from Michael Phelps or any other Olympic athlete because they are the quiet heroes who face adversity each day and keep bravely moving on.  I share their story in hopes that their strength might inspire you as much as it has inspired me.

The Power of Words

If you spent any time over the last two weeks watching or listening to the Republican and Democratic conventions, there is one fact that probably goes without saying: there is great power in words.  The prime time focus of both conventions has been on the series of speeches that have been given each evening.  Tens of thousands, or perhaps it's closer to hundreds of thousands, of words have been spoken in hopes of inspiring, educating, and motivating all who have been watching and listening.  Words are that important.  They have the power to both inspire and bring out the best in ourselves and others, as well as the power to break down and bring out the worst in ourselves and others. I know very little about giving a political speech and so I’ll leave it to the experts in that arena to comment on the words that have been shared at the conventions these last two weeks.  I do know something however about the kinds of words that build up and inspire people and families, as well as the kinds of words that have the opposite effect.

Many of us are familiar with the advice to, “Say what you mean, and mean what you say.”  A few years ago I learned a third phrase to add to this already great piece of advice,  “Don’t say it mean.”

     Say what you mean. 

     Mean what you say. 

     Don’t say it mean.

There is much wisdom in just these three short sentences.  Like a lot of advice, it takes a moment to learn, but a lifetime to master.

The first phrase, “Say what you mean,” captures the importance of communicating clearly with one another what we think, feel, and believe.  It is in everyone’s best interest to confidently and consistently say what we mean when speaking with others.  Other people cannot read our minds and hearts, and so the best way for others to know what we think and feel is to simply say what we mean.

The second line of this saying, “Mean what you say,” speaks to another key aspect of effective communication.  Meaning what we say is the foundation of integrity and it is how we build and sustain trust in relationships. For example, when I apologize to someone I have hurt and say, "I'm sorry,” I need to truly mean what I say and not say it simply because I think it's what the other person wants to hear.

The third line, “Don’t say it mean” is sometimes the most difficult.  We live in a culture that celebrates the put down and the mocking and demonizing of the other.   The epidemic of violence in our culture not only includes the physical assaults of others, but the verbal assaults of others as well.  Somewhere along the line, it seems that people decided that they could increase their power by raising their voice in anger and by attacking. If we can avoid saying things in a mean way, we will actually have a better chance of  getting our point across and being heard.    The words we use and the way we use them clearly have great power.  The way we speak to one another has the power to strengthen relationships (even in the midst of profound differences) and it has the power to break down and destroy relationships.  The choice is ours.  We get to choose what words we will use and how we will speak them to one another.

I, for one, am casting my vote for, “Say what you mean.  Mean what you say.  Don’t say it mean."

Divining the Secret Self of the Other

Our nephew is getting married this weekend in the Smoky Mountains and we  couldn't be more excited to be a part of the celebration.  As summer is the most popular time of the year to get married, I’m guessing that some of you have or will be attending a wedding this summer as well.  I  love going to weddings as they always remind me of what is most sacred in life, love. The traditions around weddings have changed tremendously over the last several decades.  Wedding ceremonies themselves have become as different as the locations where the ceremonies take place.  While many things have changed about weddings, some things have remained the same.  Most importantly, the central focus of all wedding ceremonies continues to be the exchange of vows by the couple. Each person gives their word, pledges their fidelity to honor, love, and cherish their partner through times of abundance and through times of challenge.

As couples prepare for their wedding day they often search for historical readings and wisdom texts that they might wish to include in their ceremony.  A new resource used by many brides and grooms is a book published last year, The Marriage Book: Centuries of Advice, Inspiration, and Cautionary Tales from Adam and Eve to Zoloft.  This 557 page book, written by Lisa Grunwald and Stephen Adler, contains a vast amount of wisdom, readings, and advice on every aspect of marital life.

Grunwald was interviewed after the publication of her book and was asked to share her favorite piece of wisdom from the book, no small task given its length.  What she chose to share was a quote from the poet William Butler Yeats, written in his journal in 1904, when he was 44.

“In wise love, each divines the high secret self of the other and, refusing to believe in the mere daily self, creates a mirror where the lover or the beloved sees an image to copy in daily life.”

This reading by Yeats contains two connected pieces of wisdom.  First, that all people, our spouses and our selves,  have a daily self and a higher self, meaning that we are all a mixture of selfishness and selflessness, of self-centered pettiness and self-giving love.  The second piece of wisdom is his advice then, is to vow to reflect back to one's partner the image of their higher best self, to help them see that higher version of themselves, even when they are having trouble seeing it themselves.  To put it more simply, Yeats is advising spouses to look past the sometimes challenging daily behaviors of one’s partner and instead focus on  the transcendent worth of their higher self.  What greater gift could we give each other  than to reflect back to each other our transcendent goodness?

While wedding ceremonies have changed a great deal over the years, they continue to be celebrations of the higher, transcendent aspects of love and life, not just for the couple getting married, but for all who are honored to be in attendance.  They serve as a reminder to us that in the midst of the daily routines and challenges of life and love there is a higher love, a higher spiritual self that we are called to both reflect and express to one another.

We all have more than enough reminders of the pettiness of what Yeats refers to as our daily selves.  We are grateful for the opportunity to be attending our nephew's wedding this weekend, where we all will once again be inspired to celebrate the transcendent nature of our higher selves, and of the people we love most in our lives.

I'm Bored!

My wife and I are both licensed marriage and family therapists and so we are privileged  to have meaningful conversations with parents on a regular basis.  One concern that parents commonly voice this time of year is how tired they are of hearing their kids say, "I'm bored.  There is nothing to do around here!"  Parents easily become exasperated by their children's complaints of boredom because they often have worked to get their children involved in  fun summer activities.  It seems that the moment there is not a structured activity, their children complain of boredom. When we talk with parents they often wonder if the very fact that they structure so many activities for their children actually has an unintended side effect of creating the, "I'm bored" response by their children.  They wonder if their children struggle to come up with their own ideas because they seldom have to do so.  What we tell parents is that this is not an "either, or," but a "both, and" choice.  Structured activities are important for children, and unstructured free time where children need to create their own fun and activities are both essential for a child's growth and development.  Structured activities help children to learn how to socialize and collaborate with others, while unstructured time, especially if it is alone time, helps a child to become comfortable with solitude and with their inner thoughts and feelings.

Children are not the only ones I hear saying, "I'm bored."  I talk with adults who often share, "I'm bored in my work," or "I'm bored in my marriage," or "Overall I'm just bored with my life."  The parallel between expressions of boredom by both children and adults, is the perceived helplessness to do anything about their boredom.  "I'm bored and I don't  have any idea of what I can do to change this feeling," is what they seem to be complaining about.

An important dynamic that keeps a person stuck in a state of boredom is that they often just try to find an external solution to their boredom.  They want someone or something else to interrupt their boredom, distract them from their boredom, or fill up the emptiness that often accompanies such a feeling.  What is essential to teach our children, and to remind ourselves as adults, is that boredom is best resolved by a two step process.

The first step is to be patient and accept it.  Boredom is a natural state of mind and not something we need to frantically avoid feeling.  The second step is to  turn inward and look deeper within ourselves for creative ways to revitalize our time, our work, our marriages, and our lives.  A deeper resolution of boredom is an "inside, out" job, not an "outside, in" job.

When a child says, "I'm bored" the  parent is wise to resist the urge to find a solution for the child.  A good response would be something like, "I understand, that's a natural feeling that we all feel sometimes.  I guess it means you haven't yet figured out something fun that you want to do or create.  Be patient and I'm sure something will come to you, and I'd be happy to talk with you to help you figure something out."  Providing children with opportunities to grow a  sense of agency in their lives, a clear sense that they can create and recreate meaning and purpose in their lives is one of the most important skills to develop in our children.  Come to think of it, it's a pretty important skill to develop in ourselves as well.