Healing Takes Time

I have spent thousands of hours fishing in my life and a month ago I hooked something I have never hooked before-myself.  With the help of a large Northern Pike that I was trying to get off of a multi-hooked lure I buried one of the free hooks deep into my left thumb.  It was a barbed hook which greatly increased the pain as well as the challenge of extricating it from my thumb.   Since the barbed hook was already half way through my thumb I debated for a moment whether to try and push it all the way through, or to try and pull it back out.  After a few minutes of debate as to what to do next I made what turned out to clearly be the right decision. I had my wife drive me to the local emergency room, which thankfully was only thirty minutes away. The doctor was able to see me quickly and assured me that he knew exactly what to do, as the hospital was located in an area in Northern Wisconsin known for its great fishing. He explained that he had extracted hundreds of hooks from many hands and feet over his many years of practice.  Once my thumb had been numbed he went to work and ended up pulling the hook out the way it had gone in, which unfortunately allowed the barb to do more internal damage as it was being extracted.  Soon the ordeal was over and after expressions of deep gratitude to the medical staff I was on my way with a well-bandaged left thumb.

It's been a month since this happened and I have learned an important lesson from the healing process.  What has been remarkable is how quickly the surface level of my injury has healed.  The hole in my skin where the hook entered (and exited with the help of the doctor) has completely healed.  If you were to look at it you would hardly be able to notice that there had been an injury.  The internal healing, however, has been much slower.  I still have a great deal of pain deep within my thumb, and any careless bumping of it continues to cause me great discomfort.

The lesson in this for me is perhaps obvious.  Just because a person's wound may look healed and totally fine on the outside, it doesn't mean that the deeper, internal healing process matches that outside appearance.  A person who has experienced a traumatic loss of any kind may appear "fine" shortly after their painful experience.  They may even report that they are "fine" when asked.  But we need to be aware that the healing of the deeper wound from their loss will take much longer.  It is also wise to know that  any experience that bumps up against this loss will continue to cause discomfort for a long time, perhaps for years, to come. This lesson applies not only to individuals, but to couples, families, organizations, and society as a whole.  The deep wounds of racism in our culture are just one example of how long, and how painful the process of a deeper, internal healing can be.

Perhaps you know someone who looks they are doing "fine" on the outside, but is still experiencing a deeper, internal pain on the inside.   Perhaps that person is you in some way.  I hope my painfully learned lesson with a fish hook can serve as a reminder that deeper healing always takes longer than we expect and we are wise to be careful and gentle with ourselves and/or others during the healing process.

Two Kinds of Freedom

As our nation prepares to celebrate Independence Day this Monday, I find myself thinking about what it means to be free. There are many different understandings of what it means to be free, the most common of which has to do with being free from external control. This of course is the understanding the founders of our nation had in mind when they signed the Declaration of Independence, declaring our new country's freedom in 1776. There is another meaning of freedom though that I am quite familiar with as a pastor and a therapist. This meaning of freedom is more of an internal experience. This kind of freedom is what a person is feeling when they announce to me, "When I first came in here and talked about my guilt for what I had done, it was really hard. I feel like talking has really helped, I feel that it has freed something up in me." Another example of this kind of freedom is when I hear, "I used to feel so 'stuck' in my grief and sadness, but now that I've been facing it, I feel this renewed energy has been freed up in me."

Whenever we feel trapped or stuck in life, it is most important that we take some time to reflect on whether the cause of this trapped or stuck feeling is external or internal. Most of us have had the experience of thinking we were trapped by a job, a relationship, or the place where we were living, only to realize later after we left the job, relationship or place, that we still felt the same way. There is a wonderful book entitled, Wherever You Go, There You Are that explains quite well that whatever external changes we may make, we take our internal selves with us.

We are all undoubtedly familiar with the ways a person can be held captive externally, but what are some of the ways a person can be held captive internally? I referred to two examples earlier--a person can be held captive by unresolved guilt or by grief. A person can also be held captive by a bad habit or an addiction. Shame holds many people captive, especially people who have experienced abuse or neglect. Worry, anxiety and fear have probably held most of us captive at one time or another in our lives.

In the eighth chapter of the Gospel of John, Jesus and his disciples have a discussion about the external and internal meanings of freedom. Jesus says to his disciples, "You will know the truth and the truth will make you free." His followers do not understand that he is talking about an internal sense of freedom and they respond to Jesus by letting him know that he is not making sense to them. They have never been held captive by anyone they declare. In their minds they are already free because they are talking about freedom from an external captor. Jesus is inviting them into another meaning of freedom, an internal freedom that is both spiritual and emotional, and is one that they have not yet experienced.

So in honor of the 4th of July, let's all take this same invitation, an invitation to greater freedom by declaring our independence from whatever may be controlling us internally. The first step is to acknowledge where we feel stuck or trapped--to identify in what way we long to feel more free. After we have done this, we will need to discern what is that truth that will set us free--what must we learn, say or do to get unstuck? Do we need to face a secret in our lives that we have been hiding from ourselves and others? Do we need to have a difficult conversation with someone we love? Do we need to deepen our spiritual life? Do we need to change a bad habit? As we do this, we will soon learn that we may need the support of others in our efforts. We will mist likely need the support of friends, family, a spiritual leader/and or community, a coach, or a counselor. Do not overlook the fact that creating and living out the Declaration of Independence was a group effort too!

As we remember and celebrate those who worked so hard to found our nation, may we be inspired to persevere in discovering and living the truth that will set us free as well. Happy Independence Day everyone!

Leading By Commitment

I love to study leadership and so it has been a great delight for me to be in Chicago this week participating in a leadership institute cohosted by Northwestern University’s Kellogg Graduate School of Management and Bexley Seabury Seminary.  Some of the best minds in leadership theory were present and so we were all “drinking from a fire hose”  as we were introduced to many great ideas.  I would like to share a few of my insights here  and perhaps a few more in future columns, as I think they can be of value for all of us. You might wonder what leadership has to do with wellness.  One of my favorite take aways from the institute this week was the point that authentic, inspired leadership comes from within, meaning that good leaders have a high degree of alignment between how they lead and how they live.   To lead well means that how we lead is integrated with how we live, whether we are leading a Fortune 500 company, a family, a volunteer committee, or a Little League baseball team.

One quote that has stayed with me  is, “Leaders are given subordinates, but they must earn followers.”  When I coached youth soccer years ago, I was assigned players to my team.  When I served as the pastor of a church, there were already members in the church when I arrived.  In both cases, neither players nor members were going to have an interest in following my leadership until and unless I earned their trust and respect.  The same is true in classrooms, in the world of business, and in families. Respect cannot be commanded, it must be earned.

Another important understanding that I learned about in contemporary leadership theory this week is that leaders can choose to lead in one of two different ways—by compliance or by commitment.  Again, this applies to all arenas and all levels of leadership.  Pause for a moment and think of the leaders that have most influenced you positively during  your life.  Did you learn from and follow these people because you had to (compliance) or because you were inspired by them and therefore wanted to bring forth your passion and best efforts (commitment)?  I would assume it is the latter—you committed your best self to those leaders because you respected them and trusted  both their vision and their values.

Ana Dutra, CEO of Mandala Global Advisors and President and CEO of the Chicago Executives’ Club, defines leadership as, “Giving purpose and meaningful direction which inspires and motivates a group to work toward a desired goal.”  Including words like purpose, meaningful, inspires and motivates in her definition of leadership shows  that Dutra leads by striving to earn commitment (not just compliance) from the groups she leads.  It is not that compliance isn’t important, and indeed required at times.  Compliance is the minimal effort needed to keep one’s job or stay part of the group.  Commitment is maximal effort for the greater good of the group, and is what any group wants and needs to be successful.

We had a wonderful opportunity this past week to observe leadership by commitment as the Cleveland Cavaliers amazingly won the NBA championship last Sunday evening.  Lebron James did not just lead this team the last two years with his basketball skills, but he inspired and motivated his teammates to play at a level that they had previously not believed was possible. Each member of the team committed themselves to a dream others thought was impossible and even laughable, to take their team from a losing record to league champions in just two seasons. As we all saw last weekend, it is thrilling to watch a committed leader and a committed team working together to reach their goals.

No team, basketball or otherwise, succeeds based on the performance of one individual, no matter how talented that individual is.  Teams succeed when leaders motivate everyone to offer their best efforts for the good of the group. We are all leaders and followers.  We all have people we influence formally or informally.  What I learned this week has given me a chance to pause and reflect on both what kind of leader and what kind of follower I am, and I invite you to do the same.   Think home, work, and community.

Are you leading and following by compliance or are you leading and following by commitment?  How you answer makes a big difference, both for yourself, and for the people that you both lead and follow.

The Wisdom of Dadisms

Every year I write a column in honor of Father’s Day which you will find below.  It is a time to honor the men in our lives—whether fathers, grandfathers, male mentors or role models—who have taught us well.  One of the men I admire most in my life, one who has been a profound spiritual mentor to me, is Anglican Bishop Desmond Tutu from South Africa, a person I have even had the privilege to meet and talk with.  In light of the horrific violence that has once again occurred this week, please read and reread the words above from Archbishop Tutu, a person who knows something about the horror of violence, as well as something about the power of love and political will to overcome violence.  Below you will find our annual list of Dadisms that contain much wisdom for daily living as well.   * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

                “The Wisdom of Dadisms”

It has become tradition for this column to reflect on what we call “Dadisms” each year as Father’s Day approaches, just as we did last month with “Momisms” for Mother’s Day.  Many readers have shared some of their favorite Dadisms through the years and several of them are included in the list below.  Each Dadism contains a brief reflection highlighting the wisdom they contain, as it applies to personal and family wellness.

Of course both Momisms and Dadisms can be spoken by either parent, as well as by other important adults in the lives of children. This week we offer them however, with a special spirit of gratitude to all the fathers, uncles, grandfathers, spiritual mentors, and other male mentors in our lives who imparted these timeless bits of wisdom.

  Money doesn't grow on trees.  This common saying submitted by a reader is a good reminder that just about anything we wish to achieve requires perseverance and sacrifice.  Good health doesn't grow on trees.  Healthy relationships don't grow on trees.  A strong spiritual life doesn't grow on trees.  Good grades don't grow on trees. Even money in the bank doesn't just happen. Each of these "fruits" are the result of habits and disciplines practiced over an extended period of time.

If you can't say anything nice about someone, don't say anything at all.  Another reader shared this bit of wisdom that her Dad regularly shared with her.  Curtailing our negative and hurtful words about others is a habit that can be practiced over time.   It takes a great deal of energy to be negative, energy that is better spent instead being a voice for positive growth and change, and helping to create positive, healthy relationships.

 It will work out in the end.  The reader who shared this dadism remembers his father saying this to him when he was going through a hard time in his early 20's.  He said he appreciated that his father didn't minimize the fact that he was, in fact, going through a hard time, while at the same time his father provided hope for him that things would work out in the end.  Offering honest hope to others is a true gift.

A little dirt never hurt anyone. This is a classic dadism from my own father.  This would be said when a fork, or a plate, or even a piece of food dropped on the ground or floor.  There are perhaps two important lessons here: You are tougher and stronger than you think you are and, and things don't have to be perfect to be enjoyed.

Don't forget to check the oil.  This saying reminds us about the importance of preventative actions in maintaining wellness.  Checking the "oil" of our physical wellness means getting regular check-ups and addressing problems as soon as they arise.  Checking the "oil" in our family relationships means being proactive about keeping those relationships strong. All types of "checking the oil" help us avoid more  "expensive repairs" down the road.

I'm so proud of you.  Some men have a hard time saying the words "I love you" and so they substitute others expressions of affection like "I'm so proud of you." However this pride and love was expressed, it meant the world to us, and is a reminder of how important it is to express our affection for one another.

So in honor of all the men, be they fathers, grandfathers, uncles, spiritual mentors or other important male figures in our lives who have loved us and continue to love is, Happy Father's Day!

The Fifth Cup of Tea

Last week I went to Florida to visit my best friend from seminary.  Rick and I met in 1977 and have been close friends ever since.  It had been four years since we had last visited in person and I'm embarrassed to say that I had thoughts, right up until the last minute before my departure, as to whether I truly had time in my "busy" schedule to make the trip.  Gratefully, I recognized those thoughts for what they were-the thoughts of a person who too often values doing over being, and of working over relationships-and I went ahead with the trip. Four days of hanging out with an old friend is good for the soul.  We have been through a lot together and we know each other so well-we know each other's strengths, and more importantly, we know each other's vulnerabilities.  Close friends are by definition those people with whom we can share our whole selves.  Close friends never try to fix us, they simply are there to listen and walk with us on our path.

Our grandson is two and half years old and is just discovering the delight of having friends.  And I remember the delight my father experienced well into his late eighties as he maintained life-long relationships and at the same time continued making new friends in the retirement community where he lived out his final years.  I recently heard the expression that captures our life-long need for an inner circle of people who know us, and love us for who we truly are: "Friends are essential from our time on the rocking horse to our time in the rocking chair."

The Chinese have an ancient proverb about friendship that says, "The fifth cup of tea between friends is the best."  The origin of this saying comes from a Chinese tradition of sharing a cup of tea with a friend.  The first cup of tea brews quickly as the tea leaves are fresh and strong, while each successive cup takes a little longer to brew.  By the time you share your fifth cup of tea, not only have you already been talking for some time, but waiting for that fifth cup to brew only heightens the enjoyment of your time together.

Whether it is the sharing of five cups of tea in one setting, or sharing of many cups of tea over five decades, long term friendships are sacred in life.  I write this not so much to remind our readers of this, but to remind myself.  As a man who prides himself on being independent, I don't always make it a priority to nurture my friendships. Too often I am too "busy" doing more "productive" things, or so my thinking sometimes goes.

Summer is here and is a good time to reconnect with old friends and I am very much looking forward to sharing a fifth cup of tea with several other friends over the next several weeks and months.

Who might you reach out to reconnect with this summer?

Maybe we can all  work more intentionally on applying the wisdom from Ralph Waldo Emerson, "The only way to have a friend, is to be one."  I will conclude with a few other quotes about friendship, in case you, too, need a reminder of why it is important to make time in your "busy" life for your sacred and sustaining relationships.

 "Friendship...is not something you learn in school.  But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything."  Muhammad Ali

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."  Helen Keller

"I carry a small sheet of paper in my wallet that has written on it the names of people whose opinions of me matter. To be on that list, you have to love me for my strengths and struggles."  Brenê Brown