It Takes a Village to Raise a Graduate

My wife and I were invited to two high school graduation parties this month.  These graduating seniors were not members of our extended family, but we knew them well, along with both of their families.  In both cases we were honored to be invited to their parties, and even more so because the families both told us we were invited because we were part of their graduate's "village."  We were honored to be included in what certainly is a group of hundreds of adults that have had a small or large part in helping these two young people reach the goal of graduating from high school. I imagine some of you will also be invited to high school or college graduation parties this spring.  Consider it an honor to be part of a young person's village.  As much as a graduation is a recognition of individual achievement, it is also clearly a recognition of all those who have supported the graduate.  So while the graduates are getting lots of well deserved attention this time of year, I would like to take a moment to remember all the other people who have played a supporting role in the graduates' lives through the years.  These people may not be walking across the stage at the graduation ceremony, but they can take deep pride in the role they have played in helping a young person grow into adulthood and earn their diploma.

So, here, in no particular order, is a list of some of the additional people we want to recognize this time of year, because clearly, it takes a village to raise a high school or college graduate.  I am sure this list is not complete, so please let us know who is missing!

Parents, cross country coaches, piano teachers, aunts, neighbors, lunch room supervisors, swim coaches, pastors, brothers, school board members, alumni, donors, drama teachers, wrestling coaches, school psychologists, maintenance workers, school bus drivers, police officers, guidance counselors, friends, grandfathers, football coaches, band directors, classroom aides, gymnastic coaches, Boys and Girls Club leaders, special education teachers, school social workers, teaching assistants, chemistry teachers, donors, taxpayers, crossing guards, attendance monitors, music teachers, mentors, grade school teachers, little league coaches, creative writing teachers, golf coaches, yearbook advisers, grandmothers, volleyball coaches, drill team advisers, boy scout leaders, dance teachers, math teachers, middle school teachers, principals, rabbis, baby sitters, world language teachers, step parents, school secretaries, soccer coaches, school nurses, crew coaches, priests, employers/bosses, families of friends, vocal coaches, mock trial advisers, friends, uncles, religious education teachers, sisters, cousins, social studies teachers, hall monitors, track and field coaches, PTO and PTA volunteers, art teachers, financial aid advisers, after school program supervisors and volunteers, Science Olympiad advisors, 4-H leaders, health teachers, student government advisors, assistant principals, physical education teachers, reading specialists, pediatricians, family therapists, tutors, school newspaper advisers, Junior Achievement volunteers, English teachers, girl scout leaders, choir directors, debate club advisers, Model United Nations advisers, service club advisers, cheer leading coaches, Big Brother/Big Sister volunteers, Future Business Leaders of America advisers, Junior ROTC leaders, hockey coaches, physics teachers, Hillel advisors, music teachers, lacrosse coaches, synchronized swim coaches, step families, martial arts instructors, foster parents, speech therapists, ballet teachers, preschool teachers, classroom volunteers, school administrators, orchestra instructors, day care workers, human ecology teachers, industrial arts teachers, camp counselors, jazz band directors, youth group leaders, occupational therapists, English as a Second Language teachers, librarians, media specialists, custodial workers, curriculum specialists, security personnel, food service personnel, biology teachers, Head Start teachers, Athletic Directors, school accountants, deans of students, technology instructors....

Remembering That Which Is Sacred

Did you know that it used to be common for families and friends to enjoy a fun Sunday afternoon outing, in of all places, the local cemetery?  Up until the 1930's it was a regular practice for families and friends to visit cemeteries for a relaxing picnic, a nap, and a place to play ball together.   This is why the grounds of older cemeteries often contain many trees, green spaces, and ponds.  Many historic cemeteries were among the first public parks in their cities.  When people would gather to relax and recreate in cemeteries it was simply a wonderful way to both honor family members who had died and to have fun together. The idea of families playing together at the cemetery comes to mind as our nation prepares to celebrate Memorial Day weekend.  I love Memorial Day weekend because it combines two of the things I value most in life: honoring that which is sacred and having fun with others.  In many parts of our country Memorial Day weekend marks the official beginning of summer, the season we usually associate with recreation and having fun.  For many Americans, this weekend is a three-day weekend, which certainly increases the fun factor.

Having fun is just half of what Memorial Day weekend is about though.  The other half, honoring that which is sacred, has of course to do with the reason for Memorial Day itself.  Memorial Day originated as a day to remember both the Confederate and Union soldiers who had died in the Civil War.  Over time it has become a day to honor all who gave the ultimate sacrifice by giving their lives in military service to our country.

The word sacrifice is derived from the word sacred.  This makes perfect sense to me because when a person makes a sacrifice they are serving a higher good, something bigger than themselves--they are serving that which is sacred in life.   People who make sacrifices inspire us because they are acting for a good that is far great than themselves.

This week alone I talked to several people who inspired me with their acts of sacrifice: I talked with two parents who care tirelessly for their children with special needs; a pastor  who went out of his way to minister to a dying person who was not a member of his congregation; a woman who is caring for her aging parents; a trauma chaplain who works with the families of victims of violence, and a young woman whose husband is a Marine serving in Afghanistan.  Each of these people reminds me of what is most sacred in this life.

Having fun can be sacred, too.  When recreation is truly re-creative for ourselves and our relationships there is a genuine, sacred quality to it.   Henry David Thoreau said, “He enjoys true leisure who has time to improve his soul's estate.” Sabbath time, time for genuine rest and renewal, is holy time.  We improve our soul's estate when we regularly take time to rest and play.  We also improve our soul's estate when we take time to honor the sacred, to remember the sacrifices that others have made for our greater good. Happy Memorial Day weekend to all of you.  While most of us may not end up having a picnic or playing ball at a local cemetery, hopefully we will take time to both remember all who have sacrificed to make our lives sacred and free today and to have fun with friends and family, thus being sure to “improve our soul's estate”.

When Trying to Fix the Problem, Becomes the Problem

I cringed this week when I heard and read the story of some tourists in Yellowstone National Park who recently tried to help a baby bison. I cringed because the person on the radio who was telling the story had an ominous tone to his voice and so I was pretty sure I knew how the story was going to end. I also cringed because I saw a younger version of myself in what the tourists were trying to do.

     You see, I am a recovering fixer. I have been in recovery from trying to fix others, with varying degrees of success, for over twenty years. It has not been easy, but my life is much better as a result. And I can say with certainly that the lives of the people around me are also much better off since I gave up trying to fix them.

     I became a therapist and a minister in my mid-twenties, an age characterized by strong idealism. I definitely had the idea back then that if I worked hard enough and if I simply gave the right advice, I could solve others' problems for them. The desire to fix others is, I imagine, a common desire in people who go into helping professions. Only as I became a little more mature and experienced did I realize the arrogance of such a mindset. Luckily, I also had a very wise supervisor who said to me just at the time when I was able to hear it, "I'm not sure that your attempts to inflict help on others is what they are wanting from you." This made me stop and reconsider  how my attempts to be helpful were actually being experienced by those I was trying to help.

     My wife was the other person who helped me long ago to see that my need to fix others could be seen as inflicting help. It turned out that what my wife, along with most everyone else I was trying to help, truly needed when facing a difficult situation was simply a supportive and listening presence. When we a listening, supportive approach, it supports the other person in discovering their own solutions to their problems, their own path forward.

     Back to the story of the tourists who thought they were being helpful to the baby bison in Yellowstone. The tourists, thinking the animal needed help, decided they knew best how to fix the problem. They picked the baby bison up, put it in the back of their SUV and drove it to a nearby ranger station. Rather than being greeted with gratitude by the ranger, they were promptly greeted with a ticket for interfering with wildlife in the park, and were warned that the baby bison would probably now be rejected by its mother and its herd because it been handled by humans. Sadly, that is in fact what turned out to be true. When the rangers tried to reintroduce the bison into its natural habitat the mother and herd rejected it. Then, sadly, the bison began approaching other people in cars to try to get help. This created a danger and eventually it was decided that the baby bison needed to be euthanized--a sad ending to what was initially a well-intended gesture by some people who were trying to help.

   I am sure the two tourists in Yellowstone had the best of motives and I am sure they are heartbroken over what happened. Who knows, I might have done something similar to what they did if I had been there. Yet this story is a reminder to me that while my failed attempts to fix people in the past never had such a heartbreaking ending, I need to always remember to refrain from attempts to fix others, no matter how noble my intentions may seem to be to me.

   Does someone you care about have a problem that you think needs fixing? My advice is instead of trying to fix their problem, be someone who cares enough to emphatically listen and provide emotional support. Be patient and trust that eventually they will figure out their own solution, one that is sure to be more helpful to them in the long run than anything you might have come up with if you had thought it was your role to try and fix their problem.

Change is Rarely Linear

I have lived in Wisconsin most of my adult life and so I have endured my share of jokes about the weather here, especially in winter.   My friends who live in warmer climates freely provide their moral their support as I endure the snow and cold, here in the land of the frozen tundra. While I appreciate that support, when I really need it most is right now as I, and millions of others, try to negotiate the challenges of waiting for what some may think to be an oxymoron: Wisconsin spring.

   In the last week we have experienced temperatures ranging from as low as the mid-thirties to as high as seventy. I just checked the ten-day weather forecast and the highs in that forecast range from thirty-seven to sixty-nine degrees. This makes it difficult to make outdoor plans-whether to play golf, grill out, go for a walk or bike ride, or work in the garden-more than a few hours in advance.

   My annual experience of spring's slow, unpredictable arrival in Wisconsin is a reminder that more often than not, the process of change is not linear. If spring's arrival were a linear process, then starting some time in April, each day would be slightly warmer than the day before, until finally by mid May spring would have fully arrived. Such linear change would mean one would be able to plot the daily high temperatures on a graph in a nice straight, upward trending line. The reality, however, is that spring's arrival here is nonlinear process, that if plotted on a graph would have more sudden highs and lows than a death defying roller coaster!

     It turns out that understanding that the process of change is rarely linear is a very helpful concept for understanding not just changes in the weather, but other experiences as well. Here are few examples of when other types of change are also nonlinear. I'm sure you could add several of your own as well.

    *Introducing or leading change in an organization that has a set way of doing things.

     *Raising children.

     *Coming to clarity about a major life decision.

     *Working to restore emotional closeness in a relationship thathas become distant.

     *Adopting a significant life style change which includes adopting a new, life-changing habit or discipline.

*Changing careers

*Retiring

*Beginning or letting go of a significant relationship

   In each of these situations change is likely to mirror a Wisconsin spring, with unpredictable highs and lows. These highs and lows will most likely be accompanied by emotions that range from warm to chilly and sunny to stormy, and all in very short order.

   Fortunately, I have lived in Wisconsin long enough to know that eventually spring will arrive. And most of us who have lived long enough have the perspective now to know that children do grow up, organizations do learn to adapt to change, and major life decisions do become clear over time. If you are like me, though, it is easy to lose my perspective when I am dealing with a change or transition that I wish would happen quickly and predictably.

   What changes or transitions-meteorological or otherwise- do you find yourself in the midst of right now? Perhaps it will be helpful to remember that the long term forecast for any significant change you are encountering right now probably mirrors a Wisconsin weather forecast-lot of highs and lows in the weeks ahead, but gradually, an overall trend of warmth and clearing will emerge.

The Wisdom of Momisms

Once again it is time for the annual Mother's Day column where I share some of the classic things mothers like to say and then reflect on the wellness wisdom that is contained within these classic "Momisms." What follows are a few of these sayings that I have shared in previous Mother's Day columns, along with a few new ones. I hope you enjoy them and will pass them along to others. Please also feel free to reply to this email with any of your favorite "Momisms" that I might have missed. "I'm not interested in who started it!" The wisdom here is that a lot of time and energy is often wasted in trying to figure out "who started it." Who hasn't spent more time arguing with someone about who started a problem than they have spent on resolving the problem? Focusing on "who started it" is one way of playing the "blame game," and is rarely helpful. You don't need to figure out who started a problem at work or home to be part of the solution.

 "If you keep making that face, one of these days it will freeze that way!" This "Momism" contains some great wellness applications. The first is that the behaviors we choose, over time, become habits, and habits always have consequences. It is important then to carefully observe the habits we are forming. A second application of this "Momism" has to do with the way we treat others. If I am regularly in a hurry and don't take time to be kind to people, at some point their opinion of me will "freeze." They may well come to believe that I am a person who is self-absorbed or unkind. We all form opinions of others based on their behaviors and it easy for those opinions to become frozen and difficult to change, even if the person's behaviors actually does change at some point.

 "For a friend in need, say a prayer and roast a chicken." We need to remember to integrate the spiritual with the practical. A story is told of some visitors from a church who came to call on an elderly parishioner who they knew was having trouble maintaining her home. When the visitors arrived they announced that they had come to pray with her. The woman, not missing a beat, replied, "That's great-I need prayer. But when you are done praying I'd really love for you to help me wash all those dishes piled up in the sink." Faith without works can be empty.

"This moment is fleeting in the overall scheme of things." Our emotional and spiritual wellness is enhanced when we remember two things. First, it is wise to seek to live in the present moment, and second, that any present struggle we may have is more bearable when we place it in the context of a much larger time frame.

 "Take care of a goldfish and then you can get a dog." When taking on any new challenge or responsibility it's important to start small. New habits and big goals are realized best in small steps. For example, develop a regular habit of walking before you try to run you first 5K or take a class on a subject before deciding on that major. Another way of saying this is that "Life is hard by the yard, but a cinch by the inch."

"I don't care what everybody else is doing, you are not everybody else!" Another version of this is "just because everyone else is jumping off a cliff, doesn't meant that you should, too." Both ideas are meant to encourage us to dare to think for ourselves and to remember that going along with the crowd is not always the best decision.

"The best way to have a friend is to be one." All relationships are important and need to be cared for and tended to to stay strong and healthy. We reap what we sow in relationships.

This is the more positive version of, "If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all." This reminds us of the importance of sharing our appreciation and gratitude with others, as it is what builds and strengthens individuals and relationships.

"Please call me when you get there so I will know you have arrived safely." This statement is a sweet expression of love and concern, although when we were children we probably rolled our eyes and thought our Mom was annoying and trying to control us. The wellness principle here is that it makes a positive difference to have others around us who are concerned for our well-being and to care for others as well.

As we pause to celebrate mothers today, may we also remember the wisdom that they, along with other important women in our lives, taught us over all the years, and be thankful