The Wisdom of Dadisms

Every year I write a column in honor of Father’s Day which you will find below.  It is a time to honor the men in our lives—whether fathers, grandfathers, male mentors or role models—who have taught us well.  One of the men I admire most in my life, one who has been a profound spiritual mentor to me, is Anglican Bishop Desmond Tutu from South Africa, a person I have even had the privilege to meet and talk with.  In light of the horrific violence that has once again occurred this week, please read and reread the words above from Archbishop Tutu, a person who knows something about the horror of violence, as well as something about the power of love and political will to overcome violence.  Below you will find our annual list of Dadisms that contain much wisdom for daily living as well.   * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

                “The Wisdom of Dadisms”

It has become tradition for this column to reflect on what we call “Dadisms” each year as Father’s Day approaches, just as we did last month with “Momisms” for Mother’s Day.  Many readers have shared some of their favorite Dadisms through the years and several of them are included in the list below.  Each Dadism contains a brief reflection highlighting the wisdom they contain, as it applies to personal and family wellness.

Of course both Momisms and Dadisms can be spoken by either parent, as well as by other important adults in the lives of children. This week we offer them however, with a special spirit of gratitude to all the fathers, uncles, grandfathers, spiritual mentors, and other male mentors in our lives who imparted these timeless bits of wisdom.

  Money doesn't grow on trees.  This common saying submitted by a reader is a good reminder that just about anything we wish to achieve requires perseverance and sacrifice.  Good health doesn't grow on trees.  Healthy relationships don't grow on trees.  A strong spiritual life doesn't grow on trees.  Good grades don't grow on trees. Even money in the bank doesn't just happen. Each of these "fruits" are the result of habits and disciplines practiced over an extended period of time.

If you can't say anything nice about someone, don't say anything at all.  Another reader shared this bit of wisdom that her Dad regularly shared with her.  Curtailing our negative and hurtful words about others is a habit that can be practiced over time.   It takes a great deal of energy to be negative, energy that is better spent instead being a voice for positive growth and change, and helping to create positive, healthy relationships.

 It will work out in the end.  The reader who shared this dadism remembers his father saying this to him when he was going through a hard time in his early 20's.  He said he appreciated that his father didn't minimize the fact that he was, in fact, going through a hard time, while at the same time his father provided hope for him that things would work out in the end.  Offering honest hope to others is a true gift.

A little dirt never hurt anyone. This is a classic dadism from my own father.  This would be said when a fork, or a plate, or even a piece of food dropped on the ground or floor.  There are perhaps two important lessons here: You are tougher and stronger than you think you are and, and things don't have to be perfect to be enjoyed.

Don't forget to check the oil.  This saying reminds us about the importance of preventative actions in maintaining wellness.  Checking the "oil" of our physical wellness means getting regular check-ups and addressing problems as soon as they arise.  Checking the "oil" in our family relationships means being proactive about keeping those relationships strong. All types of "checking the oil" help us avoid more  "expensive repairs" down the road.

I'm so proud of you.  Some men have a hard time saying the words "I love you" and so they substitute others expressions of affection like "I'm so proud of you." However this pride and love was expressed, it meant the world to us, and is a reminder of how important it is to express our affection for one another.

So in honor of all the men, be they fathers, grandfathers, uncles, spiritual mentors or other important male figures in our lives who have loved us and continue to love is, Happy Father's Day!

The Fifth Cup of Tea

Last week I went to Florida to visit my best friend from seminary.  Rick and I met in 1977 and have been close friends ever since.  It had been four years since we had last visited in person and I'm embarrassed to say that I had thoughts, right up until the last minute before my departure, as to whether I truly had time in my "busy" schedule to make the trip.  Gratefully, I recognized those thoughts for what they were-the thoughts of a person who too often values doing over being, and of working over relationships-and I went ahead with the trip. Four days of hanging out with an old friend is good for the soul.  We have been through a lot together and we know each other so well-we know each other's strengths, and more importantly, we know each other's vulnerabilities.  Close friends are by definition those people with whom we can share our whole selves.  Close friends never try to fix us, they simply are there to listen and walk with us on our path.

Our grandson is two and half years old and is just discovering the delight of having friends.  And I remember the delight my father experienced well into his late eighties as he maintained life-long relationships and at the same time continued making new friends in the retirement community where he lived out his final years.  I recently heard the expression that captures our life-long need for an inner circle of people who know us, and love us for who we truly are: "Friends are essential from our time on the rocking horse to our time in the rocking chair."

The Chinese have an ancient proverb about friendship that says, "The fifth cup of tea between friends is the best."  The origin of this saying comes from a Chinese tradition of sharing a cup of tea with a friend.  The first cup of tea brews quickly as the tea leaves are fresh and strong, while each successive cup takes a little longer to brew.  By the time you share your fifth cup of tea, not only have you already been talking for some time, but waiting for that fifth cup to brew only heightens the enjoyment of your time together.

Whether it is the sharing of five cups of tea in one setting, or sharing of many cups of tea over five decades, long term friendships are sacred in life.  I write this not so much to remind our readers of this, but to remind myself.  As a man who prides himself on being independent, I don't always make it a priority to nurture my friendships. Too often I am too "busy" doing more "productive" things, or so my thinking sometimes goes.

Summer is here and is a good time to reconnect with old friends and I am very much looking forward to sharing a fifth cup of tea with several other friends over the next several weeks and months.

Who might you reach out to reconnect with this summer?

Maybe we can all  work more intentionally on applying the wisdom from Ralph Waldo Emerson, "The only way to have a friend, is to be one."  I will conclude with a few other quotes about friendship, in case you, too, need a reminder of why it is important to make time in your "busy" life for your sacred and sustaining relationships.

 "Friendship...is not something you learn in school.  But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything."  Muhammad Ali

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."  Helen Keller

"I carry a small sheet of paper in my wallet that has written on it the names of people whose opinions of me matter. To be on that list, you have to love me for my strengths and struggles."  Brenê Brown

It Takes a Village to Raise a Graduate

My wife and I were invited to two high school graduation parties this month.  These graduating seniors were not members of our extended family, but we knew them well, along with both of their families.  In both cases we were honored to be invited to their parties, and even more so because the families both told us we were invited because we were part of their graduate's "village."  We were honored to be included in what certainly is a group of hundreds of adults that have had a small or large part in helping these two young people reach the goal of graduating from high school. I imagine some of you will also be invited to high school or college graduation parties this spring.  Consider it an honor to be part of a young person's village.  As much as a graduation is a recognition of individual achievement, it is also clearly a recognition of all those who have supported the graduate.  So while the graduates are getting lots of well deserved attention this time of year, I would like to take a moment to remember all the other people who have played a supporting role in the graduates' lives through the years.  These people may not be walking across the stage at the graduation ceremony, but they can take deep pride in the role they have played in helping a young person grow into adulthood and earn their diploma.

So, here, in no particular order, is a list of some of the additional people we want to recognize this time of year, because clearly, it takes a village to raise a high school or college graduate.  I am sure this list is not complete, so please let us know who is missing!

Parents, cross country coaches, piano teachers, aunts, neighbors, lunch room supervisors, swim coaches, pastors, brothers, school board members, alumni, donors, drama teachers, wrestling coaches, school psychologists, maintenance workers, school bus drivers, police officers, guidance counselors, friends, grandfathers, football coaches, band directors, classroom aides, gymnastic coaches, Boys and Girls Club leaders, special education teachers, school social workers, teaching assistants, chemistry teachers, donors, taxpayers, crossing guards, attendance monitors, music teachers, mentors, grade school teachers, little league coaches, creative writing teachers, golf coaches, yearbook advisers, grandmothers, volleyball coaches, drill team advisers, boy scout leaders, dance teachers, math teachers, middle school teachers, principals, rabbis, baby sitters, world language teachers, step parents, school secretaries, soccer coaches, school nurses, crew coaches, priests, employers/bosses, families of friends, vocal coaches, mock trial advisers, friends, uncles, religious education teachers, sisters, cousins, social studies teachers, hall monitors, track and field coaches, PTO and PTA volunteers, art teachers, financial aid advisers, after school program supervisors and volunteers, Science Olympiad advisors, 4-H leaders, health teachers, student government advisors, assistant principals, physical education teachers, reading specialists, pediatricians, family therapists, tutors, school newspaper advisers, Junior Achievement volunteers, English teachers, girl scout leaders, choir directors, debate club advisers, Model United Nations advisers, service club advisers, cheer leading coaches, Big Brother/Big Sister volunteers, Future Business Leaders of America advisers, Junior ROTC leaders, hockey coaches, physics teachers, Hillel advisors, music teachers, lacrosse coaches, synchronized swim coaches, step families, martial arts instructors, foster parents, speech therapists, ballet teachers, preschool teachers, classroom volunteers, school administrators, orchestra instructors, day care workers, human ecology teachers, industrial arts teachers, camp counselors, jazz band directors, youth group leaders, occupational therapists, English as a Second Language teachers, librarians, media specialists, custodial workers, curriculum specialists, security personnel, food service personnel, biology teachers, Head Start teachers, Athletic Directors, school accountants, deans of students, technology instructors....

Remembering That Which Is Sacred

Did you know that it used to be common for families and friends to enjoy a fun Sunday afternoon outing, in of all places, the local cemetery?  Up until the 1930's it was a regular practice for families and friends to visit cemeteries for a relaxing picnic, a nap, and a place to play ball together.   This is why the grounds of older cemeteries often contain many trees, green spaces, and ponds.  Many historic cemeteries were among the first public parks in their cities.  When people would gather to relax and recreate in cemeteries it was simply a wonderful way to both honor family members who had died and to have fun together. The idea of families playing together at the cemetery comes to mind as our nation prepares to celebrate Memorial Day weekend.  I love Memorial Day weekend because it combines two of the things I value most in life: honoring that which is sacred and having fun with others.  In many parts of our country Memorial Day weekend marks the official beginning of summer, the season we usually associate with recreation and having fun.  For many Americans, this weekend is a three-day weekend, which certainly increases the fun factor.

Having fun is just half of what Memorial Day weekend is about though.  The other half, honoring that which is sacred, has of course to do with the reason for Memorial Day itself.  Memorial Day originated as a day to remember both the Confederate and Union soldiers who had died in the Civil War.  Over time it has become a day to honor all who gave the ultimate sacrifice by giving their lives in military service to our country.

The word sacrifice is derived from the word sacred.  This makes perfect sense to me because when a person makes a sacrifice they are serving a higher good, something bigger than themselves--they are serving that which is sacred in life.   People who make sacrifices inspire us because they are acting for a good that is far great than themselves.

This week alone I talked to several people who inspired me with their acts of sacrifice: I talked with two parents who care tirelessly for their children with special needs; a pastor  who went out of his way to minister to a dying person who was not a member of his congregation; a woman who is caring for her aging parents; a trauma chaplain who works with the families of victims of violence, and a young woman whose husband is a Marine serving in Afghanistan.  Each of these people reminds me of what is most sacred in this life.

Having fun can be sacred, too.  When recreation is truly re-creative for ourselves and our relationships there is a genuine, sacred quality to it.   Henry David Thoreau said, “He enjoys true leisure who has time to improve his soul's estate.” Sabbath time, time for genuine rest and renewal, is holy time.  We improve our soul's estate when we regularly take time to rest and play.  We also improve our soul's estate when we take time to honor the sacred, to remember the sacrifices that others have made for our greater good. Happy Memorial Day weekend to all of you.  While most of us may not end up having a picnic or playing ball at a local cemetery, hopefully we will take time to both remember all who have sacrificed to make our lives sacred and free today and to have fun with friends and family, thus being sure to “improve our soul's estate”.

When Trying to Fix the Problem, Becomes the Problem

I cringed this week when I heard and read the story of some tourists in Yellowstone National Park who recently tried to help a baby bison. I cringed because the person on the radio who was telling the story had an ominous tone to his voice and so I was pretty sure I knew how the story was going to end. I also cringed because I saw a younger version of myself in what the tourists were trying to do.

     You see, I am a recovering fixer. I have been in recovery from trying to fix others, with varying degrees of success, for over twenty years. It has not been easy, but my life is much better as a result. And I can say with certainly that the lives of the people around me are also much better off since I gave up trying to fix them.

     I became a therapist and a minister in my mid-twenties, an age characterized by strong idealism. I definitely had the idea back then that if I worked hard enough and if I simply gave the right advice, I could solve others' problems for them. The desire to fix others is, I imagine, a common desire in people who go into helping professions. Only as I became a little more mature and experienced did I realize the arrogance of such a mindset. Luckily, I also had a very wise supervisor who said to me just at the time when I was able to hear it, "I'm not sure that your attempts to inflict help on others is what they are wanting from you." This made me stop and reconsider  how my attempts to be helpful were actually being experienced by those I was trying to help.

     My wife was the other person who helped me long ago to see that my need to fix others could be seen as inflicting help. It turned out that what my wife, along with most everyone else I was trying to help, truly needed when facing a difficult situation was simply a supportive and listening presence. When we a listening, supportive approach, it supports the other person in discovering their own solutions to their problems, their own path forward.

     Back to the story of the tourists who thought they were being helpful to the baby bison in Yellowstone. The tourists, thinking the animal needed help, decided they knew best how to fix the problem. They picked the baby bison up, put it in the back of their SUV and drove it to a nearby ranger station. Rather than being greeted with gratitude by the ranger, they were promptly greeted with a ticket for interfering with wildlife in the park, and were warned that the baby bison would probably now be rejected by its mother and its herd because it been handled by humans. Sadly, that is in fact what turned out to be true. When the rangers tried to reintroduce the bison into its natural habitat the mother and herd rejected it. Then, sadly, the bison began approaching other people in cars to try to get help. This created a danger and eventually it was decided that the baby bison needed to be euthanized--a sad ending to what was initially a well-intended gesture by some people who were trying to help.

   I am sure the two tourists in Yellowstone had the best of motives and I am sure they are heartbroken over what happened. Who knows, I might have done something similar to what they did if I had been there. Yet this story is a reminder to me that while my failed attempts to fix people in the past never had such a heartbreaking ending, I need to always remember to refrain from attempts to fix others, no matter how noble my intentions may seem to be to me.

   Does someone you care about have a problem that you think needs fixing? My advice is instead of trying to fix their problem, be someone who cares enough to emphatically listen and provide emotional support. Be patient and trust that eventually they will figure out their own solution, one that is sure to be more helpful to them in the long run than anything you might have come up with if you had thought it was your role to try and fix their problem.