The Wellness Compass Initiative is our partner community wellness initative that serves schools, counseling centers, nonprofits, universities, and other community wellness organizations. Each week Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner, who are both licensed marriage and family therapists, co- write a column for Wellness Compass and we are pleased to share it here on our Living Compass site. There is also a Wellness Compass podcast, where Scott and Holly elaborate on the topic of this column each week, at www.wellnesscompass.org/podcast. or in any podcast app (Apple, Google, Spotify, etc).
Holding What Changes and What Endures
The poet Bonaro Overstreet once wrote, “October is a symphony of permanence and change.” This quote came to mind for us when we were recently on a hike on a beautiful fall day here in Wisconsin. Trees that were full of leaves just a month ago now have only a few stubborn leaves left to fall.
This year, in our “How’s the Family?” focus, we are exploring the well-being of individuals and families across the lifespan. Families, like trees, embody the symphony of permanence and change.
Some changes in our lives and the lives of our families are planned: a child leaves home after high school, a person retires, a new job begins, a family member moves to a retirement community. Other changes arrive unexpectedly: an accident or job loss, a diagnosis, a sudden move, a financial crisis. Because families are systems, any change in one person’s life affects everyone else. Touch one piece of a mobile hanging from the ceiling, and all the other pieces move, too.
In the midst of all the changes in families, ideally what is permanent is love. Love is what grounds us and holds us through the ups and downs. When we work with a family that is in conflict, after hearing the details of the conflict from each person, we always ask this question: “We know it might be hard right now to access the feelings we’re about to ask about, but through the years and before this current conflict, can you tell us what you love most about each other?” When we ask this question, the whole energy in the room begins to shift. Love, compassion, humor and connection reemerge, and from this place the family is able to face the current conflict with renewed hope.
At its best, a family is a refuge, a place where we can share the full range of our emotions and experiences. Creating and maintaining that refuge begins with each of us individually. As we tend our own emotional and spiritual lives, we expand our capacity to hold change, both our own and others’.
With the holidays on the horizon, it’s not too early to reflect on the ways the season amplifies our experience of permanence and change. Some traditions endure, and it also may be time for some to change. This is especially true if this holiday season will be the first one since a major loss. It is common to hear people talk about holiday preparations. We would be wise to add some inner work to those preparations, reflecting on what we want to hold on to and what we want to let go of.
While it is true that change is inevitable, it is equally true that love, compassion, forgiveness, peace and humility endure.
So in closing, as we continue to focus on “How’s the Family?” we invite you to pause and reflect on that question, especially as it relates to expanding your capacity to hold both loss and love as you honor the ongoing symphony of permanence and change in your life.
We extend our gratitude to all who shared responses to our question last time of “How’s the Family?” Thank you for sharing the joys and challenges in your extended family.
We welcome your feedback as well as your questions. If there is a particular question you have about family relationships that you would like us to address in a future column, please email it to us. (You can simply reply to this email, or you can email Holly at holly@WellnessCompass.org or Scott at Scott@WellnessCompass.org.)
If we share your question and our response to it, we will guarantee your anonymity and make sure that no personally identifying details are shared. There's a good chance that if you have a question about something happening in your family, many other readers of our column and listeners to our podcast have a very similar question.
Our column and podcast will appear every other week through next Memorial Day.
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