Moving All the Furniture Out of the Room

It's that time of year when people do their spring cleaning. Many of us are spending some time doing a deeper cleaning than usual of our homes, garages, yards, offices, and cars. If you are like me, it's not something you look forward to doing, but the work is completed  there is always the appreciation of a fresh beginning.

   My wife and I decided to do a deep cleaning of our bedroom this past week. Once we started, we decided to do something we hadn't done in fifteen years. We made the decision to move every piece of furniture, including the rug, out into the hallway so that we could scrub down and repaint the entire room from top to bottom. We also did this to be free to consider new ways of arranging the furniture, while at the same time considering things we no longer want to keep. I am happy to report that our bedroom is reassembled and that we are enjoying not just a cleaner room, but a totally rearranged room, and one with fewer items than were in the room previously. It feels good.

    Last year, our Living Compass team took two days to do some long range strategic planning. As a still relatively young, but quickly growing, organization we do this fairly often to help us be clear about our goals for our organization, as well as who will be responsible for each step necessary to reach our goals. In this particular strategic planning session, Robbin Whittington, our Director of Publications and Resource Development, shared the perfect metaphor for what we were doing. She said that healthy organizations, from time to time, need to be willing to "move all the furniture out of the room" in order to get a totally free and fresh perspective. This helps them determine what needs to change and what needs to stay the same. I, of course, thought of that metaphor as we were doing our deep cleaning this past week.

    One sign of stagnation or decline in any organization (be it a business, a congregation, or a family) is the phrase, "We've always done it this way," or it's equivalent, "But we've never done it that way before!" I know this for a fact, because when my wife suggested completely rearranging our bedroom, the first words out of my mouth, without even thinking, were, "But we've always had it arranged this way!" It wasn't until all the furniture was out of the room that I could actually see the new and creative possibilities my wife was describing to me.

     So what furniture might benefit from being moved or perhaps rearranged in your life, either literally, or metaphorically? Might a new idea at work, a new way of rearranging a room in your home, or going back to school be a good way to make a fresh beginning? How about a new exercise routine or a new way of eating? Or a new way of thinking about a family member or friend?

      May I suggest, based on my own recent experience, that the first step in making a change is to simply move all the furniture out of the room. The beauty of this first step is that at this point you are not committing to changing or getting rid of anything. You are simply committing to reconsider the way you are currently arranging things and opening yourself up to the possibility of something new. Like spring cleaning, the process may be something you don't especially look forward to, but when you are done and new possibilities have been entertained and then acted upon, I'm pretty sure there will be the satisfaction of a fresh beginning.

Heartfelt Conversations

I have enjoyed live theater most of my adult life.  I recently attended a world premier performance of American Song at the Milwaukee Repertory Theater that was so unique and powerful, that I cannot stop thinking about what I experienced.  The play, described in the program as having Two Acts, focuses on the some of the difficult challenges parents face today around issues of violence, gun violence in particular.  The play provides a glimpse into the struggles of a father whose son becomes front-page news because of his involvement in a school shooting.  The father wonders painfully why he and his wife did not see the warning signs, and also what mistakes they may have made as parents that might have contributed to their son’s horrific action. The setting for Act One is the countryside where the father, who is alone on stage for entire first act, is building a stone wall while giving his monologue. We learn that he has been working on the wall for months.  As he lays each new stone he begins to see that there are small mistakes that he has made while building the wall that cause it to be crooked—mistakes that only become clear as he looks at the fuller view, possible only now that the wall is near completion.  This becomes a metaphor for the doubts and questions that he and his wife have about the many important decisions they have made as they raised their child, decisions that only in retrospect they may come to question.

As riveting as Act One of this play was, it was Act Two that was so unique and that three weeks later, still has me telling others about it.  Act One, the monologue, lasted 80 minutes without an intermission.  When it ended, a leader from the theater came on stage and explained how Act Two would play out.  She explained that in the lobby of the theater, chairs had been set up in circles for 8-10 people to gather with a trained facilitator to discuss our reactions to what we had just experienced.  Participation was of course optional. The invitation was very relaxed, and she explained that it is common for theatergoers to go out afterward to talk about the play they had just seen.  Given the strong emotion of the content of the play, the theater itself was offering to host these conversations in the lobby with a trained facilitator which provided the added benefit of discussing the play with a broader group of people, not just the people who had come with us to the play.

I would estimate that 80% of the people, probably close to 200 in all, joined one of the discussion groups. My wife and I joined a group with seven other people that we did not know.  Our facilitator explained that he would offer us two questions and that once everyone had been given their chance to speak for two minutes, there would be an open discussion for up to fifteen minutes.  The first question was, “What scene in the play was most memorable to you, and why?”  The second question was, “Did the play resonate with anything in your personal or family life?”

Because I have had the honor of listening to the deep stories of peoples’ lives for many years as a pastor and a therapist, I was not surprised about by the content of what people shared, as I know most people have a lot just under the surface that they are wanting to talk about if given the opportunity.  What did surprise me, as we were sitting in the lobby of a theater, was that people who were complete strangers were able to so quickly create a safe enough place for each other to share their deep joys, sorrows, and regrets.

One person spoke of a recent suicide in the family, another of estrangement from her adult children, and others shared moving stories of forgiveness and reconciliation between themselves and loved ones.  The play took us all to an authentic, vulnerable place within our hearts and souls, and we chose to share that vulnerability with each other.  It is worth noting that this deep, authentic conversation was occurring in a group that contained members of different races, political parties, and religious identities.

Our facilitator kindly let us know when we had reached the end of the fifteen minutes set aside for group discussion.  He also let us know that if we wished, he could stay an additional half hour to continue the rich conversation we were having.  Without hesitating, we all stayed the additional thirty minutes and continued our honest sharing.

My primary take away from this experience was how deeply we longed for authentic conversation and connection around the concerns that mattered most to us.  I began to wonder where else, in addition to this bold experiment by the Milwaukee Repertory Theater, could these conversations occur?  Who could host them?  How could we host more of these conversations in our homes, our faith communities, our neighborhoods, and our schools?

The importance of such conversations cannot be underestimated. I believe they are crucial to breaking down the isolation and divisiveness found in our modern culture, for it is in doing so that we begin to address some of the root causes of violence in our culture, the very topic that American Song addressed so powerfully that night.

A Tip for a Good Night's Sleep

The filing date for income tax returns is fast approaching and so I thought I would begin with the only joke I know regarding paying taxes. The joke is about a man who was having trouble sleeping at night because he felt so guilty about the fact that he had recently cheated when filing his taxes.  He had lied by underreporting his income from his small business, which he knew resulted in his cheating the government out of two thousand dollars.  He felt so guilty about what he had done that he had not been able to get a good night's sleep since filing, as he would toss and turn wondering if he should correct his wrongdoing. Unsure of how to proceed, he went to talk to his minister about it.  He confessed what he had done and asked her what she thought he should do.  Not hesitating a minute, the minister praised him for admitting his mistake. She told him that he should send a letter immediately to the IRS, apologizing for his wrongdoing, and include payment for the unpaid taxes.

The man went home and thought about it for a while and then decided on a compromise.  He decided to send the following anonymous note to the IRS.  "I am sorry to say that I underpaid my taxes by $2,000 in my most recent income tax filing, and since that time I have not been able to get a single night of good sleep.  I feel horribly guilty, and so I have enclosed $1,000 in cash with this note.  If this doesn't help, and I find that I still can't sleep, I will send the other $1,000 right away."

Our relationship with money is complex. We want to have the right relationship with money and yet, as this joke reveals, there can be a conflict between our own interests and doing what we know is ethical and right.  There are few things in life that attract as much energy and attention as money.  I found this to be true in my years of doing marriage and family counseling, as conflicts over money were one of the most common reasons for seeking help.  The conflicts were not usually about money itself, but about conflicting attitudes about the use and role of money in one's life.

Our attitudes about money are influenced by our spiritual beliefs and our core values, which is why every major religion offers teachings about the importance of one's relationship with money.   Money, in and of itself, is neutral--it is not good or bad, positive or negative, secular or spiritual; it is our relationship with money that can be spiritual or not, positive or negative.  For example, the Bible says that, "The love of money is a root of all kinds of evil."  It is important to note that it is saying that's one's relationship with money can be the root of bad things-not money itself.   If the love of money drives a person to neglect his or her most important relationships, and those relationships suffer, then it is safe to say that the love of money is at the root of the problem.  When a person compromises their health on the way to accumulating wealth then it is clear that their love for money is at the root of the problem. On the other hand, when a person is generous with their money, sharing it with others and supporting good causes, then they exemplify a positive use of and relationship with money.

Few things reveal or express our spirituality and core values more than the decisions we make about how we spend and share our money.  As we pause to file our income taxes this time of year,  it is also a good time to reflect on how fully the decisions we are making about money align with our core values. To the degree that our values and the decisions we make about money align, we will experience, along with many other benefits, a good night's sleep!

The Importance of a Good Assist

 I remember the day my dad first put up a basketball hoop on our garage.  I shot baskets well into the evening that day, and over the course of the rest of my childhood I'm sure my friends and I logged well over a thousand hours of shooting hoops together.  We played games called "horse" and "around the world" and plenty of one-on-one and two-on-two games, and then we always ended our time together with the same routine.

     This routine involved each of us taking turns pretending it was the last four or five seconds of a tie game, and in our minds it was always a championship game of some sort, where everything was on the line.  One of us would take the basketball and dribble far down the driveway, in order to launch a last second long range shot to win the game.  The drama was enhanced by the fact that another one of us would always pretend to be the television announcer describing the scene to the viewers.   "And here he is dribbling down the court, getting by the defender and launching the potential game winning shot....it's up....and it's.......good....and the crowd is going wild!"  If the shot missed, we would simply replay the whole scene as many times as it took to get a successful outcome.  Nothing felt better to we  young boys than walking off the court  hero to the millions of imaginary fans that were watching.

    This past Monday night there were tens of millions of real fans watching a young man from Villanova University live out the fantasy kids have acted out in their driveways and school gyms forever.  With 4.7 seconds to go in the championship game of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament, Ryan Arcidiacono of the Villanova Wildcat's received an inbound pass under his own basket.  He drove the length of the floor and began to execute a play that was designed for him to take the final shot, as he was one of the team's best shooters. He was to to take the last shot just as time was running out. But then unexpectedly, he did the smartest thing he could possibly have done.  Because he was well covered by the defense of the North Carolina Tar Heels, at the very last second, insetad of shooting, he passed the ball to his open teammate Kris Jenkins.  With less than a second left on the clock Jenkins released his shot. Amazingly it was "up......and good!" as we used to shout in our driveway when I was a kid! It was a thrilling end to an exciting game and tournament, one basketball fans will long remember.  If you haven't seen the video of the assist and final shot, you can view it at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7FFJUz0tdo

     The most memorable part for me of how Villanova won the championship game was not the last second shot by Jenkins, but the last minute assist-the last minute pass- by his teammate Arcidiacono.   Arcidiacono's selfless decision, his willingness to pass up the chance to make the game winning shot which would have made him a basketball hero for the ages, is what I most memorable and most inspiring.

    I can assure you that in all the times my friends and I were creating our own last second game dramas, we never had our pretend television announcer say, "And here he is dribbling down the court, about to launch the game winning shot, and he......passes the ball to his teammate so he can take the game winning shot!"  We never realized that the perfect assist could be just as important and memorable as the perfect scoring shot.  Instead we dreamed of the glory of scoring the winning basket and of all the attention and fun it would afford us.

     This is a wellness column, and while everything I have written so far is about basketball, the lesson we can learn here is directly applicable to wellness, most clearly in the health and wellness of our relationships.  When we are willing to make assisting more important than being the "hero" or the center of attention, our relationships will thrive.  To be a good teammate is to put a priority on making lots of assists.  To put it in spiritual terms, the soul seeks to assist, while the ego seeks to score points and be the center of attention.

     As you we look at the important relationships in our lives-in our families and in our communities-it is wise to stop and ask, "How might I focus more on assisting?  Who do I know right now that could benefit from a good assist right?

    In the spirit of Ryan Arcidiacono, may we all be inspired to do the unexpected and make the assist for the good of those around us and for the various teams which we are playing.

Laughing Silly

I would like to share with you a new and important finding from recent medical research.  Over the last year several studies have been released that clearly show that there is a much higher incidence of arteriosclerosis--hardening of the arteries--in adults who lack a sense of humor.  That's right, people who rarely laugh are at a much higher risk of building up plaque in their arteries than those who laugh on a regular basis.  

Okay, I must admit that what you just read has not been scientifically proven and was, in fact, in light of today being April 1, my own weak attempt at an April Fool's joke.  There are no such findings. Yet I wouldn't be surprised if it was true, as the idea kind of makes sense, doesn't it?

I know when I lose my sense of humor, while my arteries may not get rigid, I certainly become inflexible in lots of other ways.  And I have no doubt that extended periods of little laughter are, in fact, not good for my over all sense of well-being.  Fortunately, I am blessed to have a two and half year old grandson in my life who constantly keeps me not just smiling, but laughing out loud on a regular basis. So right now I don't need to worry.

Just last weekend, because of his unique child's view of the world, my grandson and I ended up playing with a wooden paint stir stick for quite some time.  Perhaps you have never been so fortunate as to experience the joy of playing with such a wooden stick, so please allow me to elaborate.

My grandson, discovering the stick in a bag that had recently been brought home from the hardware store, wasted no time turning the stick into a series of imaginary toys.  Upon spotting the stick he immediately lifted it to his lips and pronounced that the stick was really a trumpet, as he busily fingered the valves of the make believe instrument.  Staying with the musical theme, the paint stick was soon a violin, a guitar, and a flute. Shortly thereafter it was a golf club, a neck tie, a fishing rod, and a tree. Before the afternoon was over it had also become a baseball bat, a diving board, a spoon, a fork, a knife, a popsicle stick, a teeter totter, a giant pencil and even a magic wand.

What I remember most about our play time together, was surprisingly not the imaginative uses of the stick that my grandson came up with, but rather his shrieks of joy and laugher when he announced each new idea of what the stick could be, always adding, "That is so silly!!"  As with all young children, such shrieks of joy and laughter seem to come forth from every cell in their body.  Such laughter is, of course, contagious and I was laughing out loud with him every step of the way, a few times laughing to the point of tears rolling down my cheeks.  I know one of the reasons I enjoy spending time with children, and I don't think I am alone in this, is because they make me laugh. They remind me how good it feels to be silly.

This all reminds me of an article I read recently that pointed out that young children laugh an average of 300 times a day and that adults, on the other hand, only laugh about 10-15 times a day.   Whether those numbers are accurate or not is unimportant, as they point to the truth most of us recognize, that adults laugh far less than children.  This does not need to be the case, however, we can continue to look for the fun and the unexpected that exists around us every day. This thought reminds me of the quote by George Bernard Shaw, "We don't stop laughing because we get old, we get old because we stop laughing."

In honor of it being April Fools Day today, how might you increase your "laugh quotient" today?  Maybe you won't reach 300 laughs as a young child might, but perhaps you might find yourself laughing a bit more than you usually do, keeping your eyes open for new perspectives and humor in your world. Just as my grandson could so creatively re-imagine new uses for a paint stick, how might we re-imagine challenges or problems we are currently facing in a new way? How might a new perspective open up and allow for a little humor to lighten things up?  The ability to lighten up, the ability to laugh more often, is clearly good for the soul.  And while I can't say for sure, I imagine it must be good for our arteries as well.