Letting Go

This past Sunday I had the honor of serving as guest pastor at a church while the regular pastor was away.  The church happens to be using our Lenten booklet,  "Letting Go with All Your Heart, Soul, Strength, and Mind" in their adult forum so I had the opportunity to speak with the group while I was there.  The people gathered for the forum clearly already had a strong sense of trust with one another and therefore were quite ready to share openly what was on their minds.  I was so moved by the conversation that we had that I would like to share some of it with you here. I started out by asking the group of twenty-five people, ranging in age from early their thirties to their early nineties, what kinds of challenges they were facing regarding "letting go."  The responses were as immediate as they were heartfelt.

"I struggle with letting go when it comes to my adult children.  It's important for me to remember that it is their life, not mine."

"I struggle to let go of anger."

"For me, it's a challenge to let go of grudges--to forgive people that have hurt me."  (In response to this, another person spoke of the relief they felt after having recently finally let go of a grudge they had been holding onto for forty years.)

"Perfectionism and self-criticism are what I struggle to let go of."  (Several others nodded their head in agreement with the speaker.)

A ninety-three year old person offered, "I am far too critical of someone I know--often just in my own mind--but it is still something I need to learn to let go of.  I have recently been focusing on seeing the good in her."

"I keeping trying to let go of control.  I let it go and then I take it right back again!"

The comment that seemed to most resonate with the group  was, "I am such a worrier-I am really working on letting go of my worries."

"Letting go of loss is what has been hardest for me," was shared with obvious feelings of sadness and grief.

I was so moved by the depth of what was offered by these authentic folks.  It was such a powerful reminder for me that within all of us, just beneath the surface of most of our seemingly calm exteriors, there are many feelings of vulnerability related to the worries, hurts, and fears that we carry.  It may seem counter-intuitive, but listening to others who were struggling with various kinds of "letting go" was actually a positive and uplifting experience as we all felt supported and connected by what we shared.

During the last portion of our time together, I asked those present what gave them hope and what helped them to deal with the challenges of letting go that they had shared.  The first response offered was affirmed by many others, "The community of people in this church over the last twenty years is what has helped me through many different challenges related to letting go."  Equally important for those present was the role of their faith.  "'Let go and let God' sounds cliche, but that way of living and thinking is really is what helps me the most," was affirmed by a woman who clearly seemed to know this from experience.  Family and friends were also high on the list as being essential in helping people to let go.

Life happens.  Loss happens.  Hurt happens.  Change happens.  Our group made this all very clear.  At the same time, though, they affirmed that:  healing happens, forgiveness happens, self-acceptance happens, and faith happens. New beginnings can, and do, happen.

I am grateful to have spent time with this inspiring group of people, who reminded me once again of the healing power of faith and community.

Spiritual Disciplines

The Christian season of Lent began this week. For those who observe this season, it is a common practice to take on a new spiritual discipline for the seven weeks between Ash Wednesday and Easter. Spiritual disciplines are of course not unique to Christianity, but are practiced by followers of all faiths.

     My wife recently led a three week parenting series for parents of children in our local school system. The topic of discipline came up, as it almost always does when we offer a parenting program. The parents were not asking about discipline in the spiritual sense, the kind people connect with seasons such as Lent, but rather about  the topic of discipline as it relates to raising children.

     Whenever my wife and I, who speak regularly as family therapists about parenting, are asked about the topic of discipline it gives us the opportunity to remind people that the rooting meaning of the word discipline is to teach. A disciple is a student, a person learning from a teacher. To be knowledgeable in a certain discipline means that one can teach others about that subject. When we are talking with parents we explain that many parents commonly think of disciplining a child as synonymous with punishment. It is more accurate, and far more helpful though, to think instead of disciplining a child as teaching a child. Any time a child misbehaves, a parent has an opportunity to teach, it is a teachable moment. The parent can show and demonstrate the behavior that would instead be more appropriate, safer or more desirable. The emphasis of a teaching based discipline versus a fear or guilt-based approach is an important distinction when thinking about the idea of discipline.

     The same understanding of discipline applies to the practice of spiritual disciplines. Some approaches to Lent, and to spiritual disciplines in general, have emphasized fear and guilt, even the need at times to suffer. I choose to believe in a love-based approach to discipline, one that emphasizes discipline as teaching. With this mindset, one takes on a spiritual discipline to learn about spiritual matters such as the importance of humility, gratitude, patience, delayed gratification, forgiveness, prayer, and service to others. Just as a person might have a discipline of practicing the piano in order to play more beautiful music, so too a person might take on a spiritual discipline to be able to live a more spiritual life, to deepen one's tendency to be humble, patient, prayerful, and grateful.

     In my attempt to deepen my own spiritual life I have already started practicing a few spiritual disciplines for this Lent. I will be writing in a journal for fifteen minutes each day, specifically about two things. The first will be what I am grateful for that day, and the second will be what I either learned that day or what I had the chance to practice in terms of "letting go." "Letting Go with All Your Heart, Soul, Strength, and Mind" is the theme of the Living Compass Lenten booklet this year and so it was natural for me to focus on that as part of my journaling discipline. The other discipline I will be practicing this Lent is that of giving something away. Each day I will be packing up one item to give to Goodwill. At the end of the 40 days of Lent, I will take the 40 items to my local Goodwill store to drop them off. I still have a great deal to learn about letting go, gratitude, and simplifying my life and so this is my lesson plan for this Lent.

     How about you? Have you considered observing Lent this year by taking on a spiritual discipline? If so, what do you hope to learn by doing so?

Irrational Beliefs

 Irrational beliefs are harmless, even funny at times. Except when they are not.

     This past week our country engaged in the fun and harmless belief that a rodent, a groundhog in particular, can either see its shadow or not see its shadow and thus can accurately predict how much longer winter will last.   This Sunday, hundreds of millions of people will watch the Super Bowl, and diehard fans of the competing teams are likely to hang onto irrational beliefs in the midst of their fun. "Whenever I wear a certain T-shirt with my team logo on it, my team wins, so I must be certain to wear it this Sunday." "When I sit in this chair and watch the game, my team always wins." Players themselves are also known to engage in ritual behaviors and to hold on to certain beliefs that they think will maximize their chances of winning. "If I avoid stepping on the side line when I go into the game I will have better luck!"

     Observing Groundhog's Day and watching a sporting event like the Super Bowl are both entertaining and thus there is no real harm in the irrational beliefs that surround these cultural rituals. The same is true when I play a game that involves dice as I like to blow on the die before I roll them in hopes that it will bring me good luck. All of this I know is just part of the fun. There is no harm in any of these irrational beliefs when we embrace them in a spirit of silliness.

     It is quite a different story when people hold irrational beliefs that can significantly impair their wellness. Here, in no particular order, are a few beliefs that people have shared with me over the years that I have served as a psychotherapist and as a pastor.

"If I were a real man I would not feel so vulnerable."

"As a woman, it is always best for me to simply 'go along, to get along."

"My self-worth is totally depended on my achievements."

"If I dare to bring up any conflict in the relationship the relationship will end, so it's best to not bring it up."

"If people really knew me, they would not love me."

"If I ignore it, it will go way"

"If I ask for help, I am weak."

"Keeping secrets from people I love will never hurt them."

"I can't leave this physically abusive relationship because God would punish me for doing so."

"Bad things don't happen to good people."

"I shouldn't have to tell others about what I need or want-if they really care about me they should already know."

"If I'm not perfect, no one will love me."

"I have cancer because I am being punished for mistakes I made when I was younger."

"Parents should never say they are sorry because it will undermine their authority with their children."

   I'm all for irrational beliefs that are fun and harmless, whether they have to do with groundhogs or sporting events. But when it comes to holding on to irrational beliefs that harm one's wellbeing or that of others, that's a whole different matter. The important and potential life changing factor is to know the difference, to know when our beliefs are harmless and when they are harmful.

   I invite you to take moment to name any irrational beliefs you have that may be limiting yourself and/or your relationships. Do any of the beliefs I listed above apply to you? Are there other irrational beliefs that you can name? If so, share them with others as a way of beginning to let them go. If need be talk to a trusted friend, a therapist, or a faith leader. Our beliefs can be fun and harmless, or they can be limiting and hurtful. It's very important to know the difference.

Predicting Storms

Much of the East Coast experienced record snowfalls last week.  While I certainly enjoyed the beautiful pictures and videos that my friends out east shared, my heart went out to those who experienced varying degrees of disruption in their lives.  We in the Midwest were spared, but it's only a matter of time before it will be our turn to experience the disruption and chaos that storms bring.  In fact, the current heading on weather.com reads, ""Big Midwest Winter Storm Predicted Next Week With Possibile Blizzard Conditions." Whenever a major snowstorm occurs, or for that matter a hurricane or tornado develops, it is common to hear people complain after the storm that predictions of the storm were not accurate.  Whether the storm turns out to be better or worse than anticipated people find themselves wondering how the experts could have been be so far off in their predictions.  I imagine that some of the questions are simply a product of the general crankiness that people often feel when a storm has disrupted their lives. The weather stations it seems are as good as any other place for people to direct their frustrations.

What I find amusing about people being upset with storm forecasters is that storms by their nature are far outside the range of normal conditions. They are therefore inherently difficult to predict.  Behaving in ways that are unpredictable are what make storms, well....storms.  It seems clear that even with all our best technology, we cannot control nature.  The benefit of most storm forecasts is not that they are perfect in forecasting the exact details of what will occur, but that they give us a warning. They are meant to provide us with a general warning so we have time to get prepared for extreme and unpredictable conditions.

Just this week I, too, found myself in the role of a storm forecaster, and so maybe that is why I am feeling some empathy for those who make their livings forecasting the weather.  A colleague was describing a significant change through which she was leading her organization and together we agreed that storms were on the horizon as this change began, emotional storms related to changing the status quo.  I also had a conversation with a young couple who is about to have their first baby.   We talked about the joy and excitement they felt. I thought it was important to let the new parents know as well that there would probably be some storms ahead as this major change in their current sense of "normal" was sure to feel disruptive and chaotic at times.

As in weather predictions, it is never possible to predict the exact details of what an emotional storm related to change will look like or how severe it will be and how long it will last.  It is only possible to predict that whenever significant change occurs, there will more than likely be a period of storminess as the people involved get used to the new normal.

Planning to retire?  I predict there will be a storm ahead.  Starting or ending a relationship?  A chance of storms is clearly predicted.  Moving? Starting or leaving a job? Child leaving for a place of their own? A new child in the family? New initiative at work? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then storms are in the forecast.

And as any storm forecaster will tell you, it is important to be prepared.  Just knowing that a storm is coming, even if you don't know the exact details of its severity, allows you time to ready yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually for both the challenges and excitement that storms inevitably bring.

Room to Bloom

In politics when a candidate is running for election and repeatedly attacks one of his or her political opponents, they are said to be "going negative."  When a candidate does this they are switching the focus from promoting their own strengths and merits to focusing on how much worse off  they believe things would be if their opponent were elected. When a candidate goes negative, they are trying to create fear, uncertainty, and doubt..  Such tactics are unfortunatelynot limited to the world of politics.  In fact, most of us have probably engaged in some form of attempting to lift ourselves up by putting others down, perhaps using statements such as ....

"Our product is so much better than their product-in fact if you buy/use their product you will  really regret it."

"That school is not nearly as good as our school - the students there are not nearly as well prepared as our students.

"I"m so glad that our church is so much more enlightened than that other church!"

"We are  so much better parents than most of the parents we know."

"We really work at our relationship-not like most couples I know."

We all do it. We compare ourselves to others, and of course we are the ones who inevitably come out looking best in that comparison.

The "meme" at the top of this column was recently posted on our Living Compass Facebook page.  It received a great deal of positive reaction, in part, because I think it speaks to this common struggle that we all have of competing with and comparing ourselves to others.  I know  that when I am most likely to  build myself up by putting others down is when I am feeling insecure. I am not proud to say that out of my insecurity I can be critical or others, but it is true.

It takes a lot of energy for a flower to bloom.  The same is true for people.  When we spend our energy going negative or competing with others, we divert the energy we need to bloom.  I know, for myself, it takes all the energy I have to foster the blooms in my own garden.   I needn't worry about others as I don't have time and energy to waste pointing out the weeds or lack of blooms in someone else's garden.

What helps you to bloom?  If you are like me, there are probably many contributing factors.  Hard work, perseverance, a clear and inspired vision, and support from others are a few of the factors that help me bloom--along with a commitment to refrain from going negative and trying to compare myself to or compete with others.  There is more than enough room in this world for all of us to bloom.