Dying Well

Kathie, a dear friend of mine, passed away this week after a prolonged journey with Parkinson's disease. I intentionally use the word "journey" as opposed to "battle" because from the very beginning my friend demonstrated amazing grace and courage in her acceptance of the diagnosis and her ability to continue to live out a fullness of life in the midst of the disease. She regularly described it as a journey and in fact talked openly the last few weeks about her dying as simply another stage of the journey. And as a person of deep faith, she also talked of looking forward to her journey beyond this earthly life.

      Our work at Living Compass focuses on helping people to live well. We regularly offer retreats entitled, "Living Well with All Your Heart, Soul, Strength, and Mind," and over time we, along with those who are a part of these retreats, have discerned several principles that we think are foundational for living well.

     This past month, as I spent time with Kathie, and her amazing, loving family and friends, I realized what a powerful connection there is between living well and dying well. It became clear to me that the foundational principles for living well apply equally to dying well. My friend taught me so many valuable lessons over the forty years I knew her, including, now, teaching me what a strong connection there is between how we live and how we die.

     I offer here, in honor of my dear friend, a few core principles for both living well and dying well.

• Make peace today with anyone whom you have hurt or has hurt you.   Life is too short to hold grudges. Forgive freely.
• Forgive yourself. Let go of mistakes and regrets. Be at peace with yourself.
• Never try to do the journey of living or dying alone. Surround yourself with the love of friends and family, and be sure to be a friend to others on their journeys through life, and death.
• Keep your sense of humor and resist the urge to ever take yourself too seriously.
• In the words of Psalm 46, "Be still and know that I am God." Tend your spiritual life so that it is there as a foundation for peace and strength for you when you need it most.
• From the Prayer of St. Francis, "It is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is dying that we are born to eternal life."

     We are both students and teachers in this journey we call life. Today, I am especially grateful for all that I was taught by my dear friend Kathie.

Grounded

In last week's column I reflected on the common practice of making New Year's resolutions and wrote that I thought that when it comes to making a change in our lives it is just as important to focus on the why as on the what. For individuals as well as organizations, change that is significant and lasting needs to be grounded in a deeper sense of purpose and meaning for it to be successful. This is why, for example, anytime an individual or organization evaluates the worthiness of taking on a new initiative, they first run the initiative through the filter of "How does this fit my/our core purpose and identity?"

     Ask most teenagers what their associations are to the word grounded and you will most likely hear about rights and privileges being taken away or restricted. Ask most adults what comes to mind when they think about the word grounded and they will likely instead respond by talking about being calm, centered, and a sense of knowing one's purpose and direction in life. It is this latter connotation of grounded that I am referring to when I talk about focusing on why we want to make a change. It is also what author Diane Butler Bass writes about in her new book that is, not coincidentally, titled, Grounded: Finding God in the World-A Spiritual Revolution.

   If you have not made a resolution for the new year, you would be wise to consider making a resolution to read this new book. In religion, as in other fields today, it is common to think of writers as being either conservative or liberal, writing from the left or from the right. The power of a writer like Bass is that she does not fall into these either/or categories. Her writing is deeply faithful and as she states in her title, is advocating for a spiritual revolution for our time. This revolution, which she outlines in this book, is one that locates God not just up in the heavens, but in the very nearness of our lives-in the nearness of nature and in the nearness of our closest relationships. Here is an extended quote from the introduction to this book that captures her thesis, and perhaps will whet your appetite for wanting to read more of this inspiring book:

     "This (book) is a report of a sacred revolution as it is occurring and a sustained assertion that this revolution is not nearly as amorphous or disordered as it otherwise might seem. Rather, there is a pattern of God all around us-a deeply spiritual theology that relates to contemporary concerns, provides meaning and hope for the future, and possesses surprisingly rich ties to wisdom from the past.

     And this revolution rests upon a single insight: God is the ground, the grounding, that which grounds us. We experience this when we understand that soil is holy, water gives life, the sky opens the imagination, our roots matter, home is a divine place, and our lives are linked with our neighbors' and with those around the globe. This world, not heaven, is the sacred stage of our times."

     It goes without saying that I highly recommend this book. Read it and you will most definitely not have an experience of being grounded as being restricted. Instead, your spirituality will be expanded and deepened, and you will indeed find yourself a little more grounded, in the most positive sense of the word.

Why Change?

It's the time of year when people make new year's resolutions. Here, according to Time magazine, is a list of the ten most common resolutions that people have made in recent years:

1. Lose Weight and Get Fit

2. Quit Smoking

3. Learn Something New

4. Eat Healthier

5. Get Out of Debt and Save Money

6. Spend More Time with Family

7. Travel to New Places

8. Be Less Stressed

9. Volunteer

10. Drink Less

     And what would you guess is the success rate for people sticking to their resolutions? The most common figure given is 8%. That's right, on average, 8% of people follow through on their resolutions for six months or longer. Perhaps this is why now 38% of people say that they never make New Year's resolutions.

     Whether or not we make resolutions this time of year, we all know that creating sustained and lasting change is difficult. This is as true for individuals as it is for couples, families, and organizations. Our habits and routines become comfortable over time, and so by definition a change in those habits and routines is uncomfortable. The bigger the change we try to make, the greater the discomfort and apparently most like to avoid discomfort.

     I believe that one of the reasons that resolutions to change fail (whether at New Year's or any other time) so often is because most resolutions to change focus far too much on the what and not nearly enough on the why. Connecting with the why we want to do something helps us to connect with the deeper emotional or spiritual reasons that we want to grow, which is different from merely making a change.

   A parent who wants to change their critical tone with their child will be more likely to make that change if they first reconnect with their love for their child and their deep emotional and spiritual awareness that their child is a gift and worthy of respect. A desire to make a healthy life style change will have a greater chance of succeeding when it is grounded in a higher purpose, such as wanting to have more energy to bring to one's work, service to others, or to share with friends and family. Many people who follow a spiritual path, are wanting to make changes in their lives on an ongoing basis (not just beginning of a new year), ones that more fully align their lives with their spiritual ideals, such as loving their neighbor, caring for the environment, seeking peace and reconciliation in the world, or living with greater kindness and patience toward others. Spirituality focuses on the why of our lives, which then in turn gives rise to the what, the habits and routines that we create, along with any changes we may wish to make in our lives. The question then for all of us is why do we do what we do? Why should we work hard to make the changes we desire?

We at Living Compass would like to wish you all a Happy New Year. And if you are thinking about making a change this time of year, we invite you to first take some time to reflect on why you want to make that change. Connecting with the deeper spiritual and emotional reasons you want to change will not only help you clarify what you want to change, but will greatly increase the likelihood that the change will last.

The Gift of Vulnerability

I wrote this Christmas reflection for the Living Compass Advent guide this year.  The theme of this guide focuses on the importance of waiting and learning to practice patience with all our heart, soul, strength, and mind.  I am happy to share this with our wider readership and wish you all a Merry Christmas!

     "Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empath, and creativity.  It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.  It f want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path." Brené Brown

Today is the day we have been waiting for! It is Christmas and we celebrate the good news:

"Do not be afraid; for see-I am bringing you good news of great joy for all the people: to you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is the Messiah, the Lord" (Luke 2: 10-11).

The Word has become flesh. A Savior, the Messiah, has come to our world. And how has the Savior come into our world? As a person with great political power? As a person with great military power? No, the Savior has come into our world in the most vulnerable way possible, as a newborn child.

While the theme of these Advent reflections has been practicing patience, as I reread the reflections of our four guest writers, I realize that each writer, in his or her own way, was also writing about vulnerability. In order to practice patience we have to accept that we are not in control. We must be willing to be vulnerable.

Porter Taylor wrote in our Living Compass Advent guide about the vulnerability of lifting up our hearts, especially in the midst of the worries of this life, worries that can so easily weigh on our hearts. Nurya Parish wrote about our vulnerability when we realize that God acts in God's own time, and not in ours. Tom Purdy poignantly described the vulnerability he feels  as a parent, and also about how vulnerable we must be to really practice patience. Our fourth guest writer, Steven Charleston, reminded us that trying to practice patience in the midst of profound change is a time of great vulnerability, as we discover once again how little we control in life.

The true gift of Christmas, the gift of the Word made flesh, is not like any other gift we will receive on Christmas. It is a gift that we open again and again throughout our lives, a gift that may not always be what we want, but is always what we need. The gift of the Word made flesh reminds us of our own vulnerability, of our total and radical dependence on God.

And now it is God's turn to wait, God's turn to be patient. God waits as we continue to mature in our understanding of what the Gift truly means for us, and how we are called to share this gift with the world.

The Stories We Tell

 It has been ten and half years since the last Star Wars movie was released. With this in mind, it's easy to understand why enthusiasts are thrilled this week with the release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, the seventh film in the series. I am certainly a fan of the movies, even if I don't quite rise to the level of a true Star Wars enthusiast. By this I mean that I wasn't at opening night with countless others, but I do plan to see the new release sometime in the next few weeks.

     The first movie was released in 1977, the year my wife and I were married, and I have followed and been fascinated with how the story line has developed ever since. As a person who loves to reflect on culture, I also find myself curious about the overwhelming popularity of the entire Star Wars series. There are no doubt many reasons for the grip that Star Wars has on peoples' imaginations over these almost four decades, but I have come to the conclusion that there is one very basic and obvious reason that this special series of movies is so appealing. We all love a good story.

     Our love of stories starts when we are young. Our two-year-old grandson reminds me of this when he utters the phrase, "Tell me just one more story, please," every time we read books together. Star Wars fans of all ages have been uttering the phrase, "Make us just one more movie," for a decade, which is their way of asking for one more story. And now their wishes are coming true. Good stories capture our imaginations as they reflect on life's deepest themes-good vs. evil, hope vs. despair, triumph over adversity, love conquering all, and exploring questions of values, character, and true identity. Stories do this all, while entertaining and unifying us at the same time.

     Christian people around the world will soon gather together to celebrate Christmas. Jewish people gathered earlier this month to celebrate Hanukah. At the center of both of these celebrations is the sharing of stories because telling stories is what people of faith do when they gather. Jewish people told stories earlier this month when they gathered to celebrate Hanukah-they told the stories of what happened long ago. And Christians will gather this next week, also telling stories of long ago, stories of wise men, stories of angles and shepherds, and the story young mother who "gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in bands of cloth, and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn" (Luke 2:7). These stories are so central to Christmas that they will be brought to life and acted out in countless Christmas pageants, in churches large and small, across the Christian world.

     Friends and families will continue their Christmas celebrations as they gather in homes to exchange gifts and share meals, and once again, stories will be shared. Loved ones who are no longer with us will be made present through the sharing of stories and memories as well. Special traditions that span generations will be reenacted in deed and story. These stories are not, to quote the classic opening line of every Star Wars movie, "from a galaxy far, far away" but stories that are, in fact, very near and dear to us. They are as near and dear to us as the people we have loved and the people we love during this holiday season. And as you gather to share stories, may you find great joy and hope in the story of the One who "came to dwell among us, full of grace and truth" (John 1:14).

   This column is sent out every Friday morning and so the next edition will be sent on Christmas morning. Because I expect that most of you will not be reading your email on Christmas, we at Living Compass want to now wish you all a most Merry Christmas.