Momisms: Wisdom To Live By, Then and Now

It's time for Living Compass' annual Mother's Day column where we reflect on "Momisms," the classic things moms and the other nurturing women in our lives often say, and how these "Momisms" often contain profound wellness principles. These wellness principles are as true for us today as they were when we were children. So here, in no particular order, are a few of classic "Momisms" with a brief reflection on how each these says still provide great wisdom for us years later. "I don't care what everybody else is doing, you are not everybody else!"

The wisdom embedded in this comment is as true for adults as it is for children. Comparing ourselves to others, wanting to be like others or wanting what others have can be a source of great anxiety and worry. The second half of this "Momism," "you are not everybody else" is a reminder that we are each an experiment of one, each traveling our own unique journey in life.

When I am coaching people regarding wellness habits and goals, it is common for them to say something like, "I know I should do such and such...." Most often this comes from a sense that they should be doing what they see others doing. If their friends are doing hot yoga or keeping a gratitude journal then they think they should do those things as well.

Trying to live a certain way or making a certain change because we think we should, or because everybody else is doing it, is rarely effective. What is effective is listening to our inner wisdom and discovering what our own inner longings are for enhancing our life and pursuing those longings, whether or not "everybody else" is doing it or thinks it is a good idea.

"I don't care who started it ..."

The wisdom here is that a lot of time and energy is often wasted in trying to figure out "who started it." Who amongst us hasn't spent more time arguing with someone about who started a problem than we have spent resolving the problem?

Focusing on "who started it" is one way of playing the "blame game" and when we are caught up in doing that, we are communicating that we believe that we have little or no responsibility for the problem at hand. This is rarely true as in every problem between people, each person plays some part in creating the tension. It is not as important to figure out who started a problem at work or at home as it is to be part of the solution, and that is surely a more productive way to spend our time and energy.

"Don't keep making that face, or one of these days it will freeze that way!"

This exaggeration contains some great wellness wisdom. The behaviors we choose over time become habits, and habits always create consequences. If I regularly am in a hurry, for instance, and don't have time for friends or family, I may become frozen in that habit. This will inevitably impact my relationships, I may even become seen as a person who is rude or unkind. No one wants a bad frozen face, so as Moms say, try not to make a bad face in the first place.

"Be sure to wash behind your ears, because when people are sitting behind you they will notice if there is dirt back there."

We are sometimes unaware of how others see us because it is hard for us to see "dirt behind our own ears." It is easy to have an idealized image of ourselves, forgetting that we all have a little "dirt" behind our ears. I have found that it is not uncommon for someone to seek help because someone else has a problem, not recognizing his or her own contribution to the problem. Others come because someone near them has asked them to do so, they have seen the "dirt" and the person now wants to clean things up. We are often the last ones to be aware of what others are seeing and how we are affecting others with our behaviors.

"Please call me when you get there so I know you arrived safely."

Although when we were children we probably rolled our eyes and thought our Mom's were annoying and/or controlling, this sweet request is an expression of love and concern. The wellness principle here is that it makes a positive difference when we look out for one another. Wellness is rooted in our connections with others. Stay connected and let others know where you are, literally and figuratively.

So in honor of Mother's Day may we all pause and give thanks for all the mothers and other nurturing women in our lives who have taught us these and other important lessons about wellness.

The Best Time to Start a Conversation

Whenever I begin a process of counseling with a person, couple, or family they almost always say something like this in the first meeting, "I/we should have started this conversation years ago. I/we have known 'this" was a problem for a long time and guess I/we somehow believed that if ignored, it would simply go away or get better on it's own." The "this" they are referring to is whatever issue it is that has brought them to counseling. The "this" of course varies, but could include issues such as a growing tension or distance in a relationship, unhappiness at work, concern about a drinking problem, concern about issues related to sleep or eating, worry about a child, a health or financial concern that has been ignored, or sometimes a growing spiritual crisis. I am reminded of the proverb that states, "The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago; the second best time is today." It also seems to be true that the best time for any of us to have begun a difficult conversation is several months or several years ago, at the moment when we first became aware of a difficulty that needed to be talked about. The second best time to begin that difficult conversation is today.

An excuse I often hear for avoiding a difficult conversation, and one I have heard myself say many times, is some version of, "I just don't want to rock the boat." The interesting thing about this desire of not wanting to rock the boat, is the fact that it is almost always said at a time when, in fact, the boat is clearly already rocking. "I would prefer not to acknowledge how significantly the boat is rocking," is probably a more accurate statement of what the person, couple or family is thinking and feeling, than simply "I don't want to rock the boat."

No matter what excuse we may find ourselves using to avoid difficult conversations, the results are usually the same. The original concern or problem grows and having the conversation we need to have becomes even more difficult. Quite often then, the original concern grows into a crisis in our lives, families, workplaces, congregations, or our communities, and it is that crisis that requires us to finally have the difficult conversation we have been avoiding. One only needs to think of what has been happening in Baltimore as a recent example.

Why do we avoid difficult conversations? There are no doubt many reasons, but I believe one primary reason is because there is great vulnerability in having these conversations. As long as I, or any of us, avoid a conversation we can be sure that we are right and can brew resentments, believing that the other person is clearly at fault and needs to change. Choosing to have a hard conversation means that we will most likely find out that the other person, of course, has a considerably different perspective on the issue and that they believe that we have some important changes that we need to make.

Significant growth and significant change requires significant risk and vulnerability from all parties involved. When we are willing to have difficult conversations though, real change, or conversion, can occur. The word "conversion" comes from the same root as the word "conversation," a good reminder that authentic conversations have the capacity to change all parties involved.

Is there a conversation that you want to start right now, but perhaps are finding it difficult to do so? Maybe you wished you had started this conversation three months or three years ago. You can't change the past, though, and so there is not much use in second guessing why you didn't start the conversation sooner. Instead, remember that you can change the present and the future, by starting that conversation today.

This Fragile Earth, Our Island Home

In honor of the celebration of Earth Day this week, let's start with two questions.      Do you have a sacred place in nature where you love to visit, a place where you feel a deep spiritual connection with life?

     Do you have a special outdoor activity that you love to do that energizes your soul?

For many people such places and activities are connected to a favorite mountain or seashore, a special lake or river, a beloved forest, park, farm, garden, or even a treasured backyard. These places can be anywhere that one finds a connection with creation.

I have many special places that connect me with the sacredness of creation. One of my favorite such places in the world is Quetico Provincial Park in northwestern Ontario, Canada. Quetico is a protected park that can only be accessed by canoe by those granted a permit to do so. Permits are limited in order to preserve this pristine wilderness, a wilderness containing hundreds of lakes, rivers, and streams. The park is so pristine and remote that visitors are able to drink the clear flowing water right out of the lakes without filtering or boiling it first.

It dawned on me on a trip to Quetico many years ago that my family and I were only able to enjoy the sacred gift of this park because others before us had made the intentional decision to preserve this wilderness area. You and I do not have the power to create the beauty of the wilderness. It is a gift from the Creator. And while we do not have the power to create the beauty of the wilderness, we do have the power to protect and preserve it, and to be stewards of its sacredness. As you reflected upon the questions I began with and thought of places in nature that are special to you, I wonder if there were people before you who worked to protect those places to keep them wild and sacred.

What is true about nature is true about all that is sacred in life. The sacred is all around us--in nature, in the community of our neighbors, and in the love of friends and family. We don't create the presence of the sacred, but we are called to be protectors and stewards of all that is sacred in life, in nature, in all of the communities in our lives, and in all of our relationships.

In the Episcopal Church's Book of Common Prayer, there is a wonderful prayer that speaks of "this fragile earth, our island home." This phrase describes how the earth, and in fact all that is sacred in life, is indeed fragile. It is our calling to respect and protect our earth, as well as to protect all other people and things that are sacred and fragile as well.

It is said that the true character of a society can be measured by the way it treats its children, its elderly, and those who are most fragile. I would add how we treat the earth to this list, as well. In honor of Earth Day, I invite us all to recommit to preserving all that is sacred in our lives, including the sacred we find in nature as well as all that is sacred and fragile in the people and relationships in our lives that are most in need of our love and care.

Your Moral Bucket List

I have never really had an official bucket list, but am always intrigued to hear what others have on their lists. Typical items on such lists include going bungee jumping, rafting through the Grand Canyon, flying in a helicopter, learning and performing live comedy, writing a memoir, going on a medical mission trip, running a marathon, going on an extended silent retreat, and buying a motorcycle. The closest thing I have to a bucket list item is a desire to ride my bicycle across the United States. (Let me know if you would like to join me--maybe next summer?) This past week I read a column by David Brooks, a writer for the New York Times, that put a unique spin on the concept of the bucket list. The title of the Brooks column I am referring to is, "The Moral Bucket List." If you have not already read this inspiring column, I highly recommend doing so. (You can find the column easily with a search engine.) Because Brooks raises so many important ideas, the rest of my column for this week will highlight a few of Brooks' salient points regarding the virtues that he believes people with high moral character work to possess.

Brooks begins the column by reporting that he notices that some people he meets radiate an inner light. He finds these people remarkable in their vitality, their sense of humor, their deep desire to do good in the world, and their desire to care for others--all without any need to call attention to themselves. Brooks finds himself wondering how these people came to develop a bright inner light. He concludes that just as any other trait, skill, or attribute can be developed with practice over time, becoming a person who radiates an inner light is also something that can be developed with practice. Brooks describes a set of practices and experiences--what he calls the equivalent of a moral bucket list--that he believes are common to those who radiate a deep peace and joy in life.

One of the best parts of Brooks' column, in my opinion, is the distinction he makes between "résumé virtues" and "eulogy virtues." Résumé virtues are those traits and skills that will get a person ahead in the world and in the work place. Our culture highly values the development of such virtues. Eulogy virtues "are the ones that are talked about at your funeral--whether you were kind, brave, honest or faithful. Were you capable of deep love?" In my experience, these eulogy virtues require us to make conscious and intentional choices over an extended period of time if they are to be developed. They often require a person to travel a road less traveled in the process, a road that will not readily be acclaimed by our surrounding culture. Brooks reflects on several practices that he believes are essential in developing moral character, practices which he believes are the source of the inner light he is drawn to in others. His list includes:

• Practicing profound humility
• Wrestling with one's inner weaknesses
• Being deeply rooted in connection and community with others
• Sharing energizing love, the kind of love that radically de-centers the self
• Finding one's deeper call, one's true vocation and purpose in life
• Taking a leap past one's greatest fears

Brooks refers to this list as a moral bucket list. While the specific details will be different for each of us, this map for developing moral character can be used by any of us at anytime.

The term "bucket list" of course refers to a list of things a person wants to do before he or she passes away, before a person "kick's the bucket." The things that Brooks is talking about though are not just things to do before you die, or things to do to make it easier for the person who will write your eulogy some day. Brooks is describing a set of practices, a set of habits, which will create an abundant life right now, a life characterized by spiritual and emotional depth in one's own life and in one's relationships. Such a life is quite noticeable by the light that it radiates, a light that others cannot help but notice and appreciate.

Recalculating Our Routes

I recently returned from a two-week vacation in Gruene, Texas, a small, quaint town located in a beautiful part of Texas known as the Hill Country, halfway between Austin and San Antonio. There are many things that make Greune special, including the Gruene Dance Hall, one of the most iconic places I have ever had the pleasure of listening to live music. Also special is the Guadalupe River, which flows through Gruene and is listed as at one of the top trout fishing rivers in America. The opportunity to fly fish on the Guadalupe River, and the nearby San Marcos River, and then be able to go out to listen to live music were two of the main reasons we traveled to Gruene. My wife and I decided to turn this vacation into a road trip, choosing to drive the 2600 mile round trip rather than fly. When we have the time we enjoy driving as it allows us to take in some of the side roads along the way and to explore some lesser-known towns, which gives us the chance to experience the local flavor of different parts of our beautiful country. We also like to use our time in the car to listen to local radio stations, as well as audio books. This time we thoroughly enjoyed an audio version of Harvard Professor Robert Putnam's new book, Our Kids: The American Dream in Crisis. Watch for an column on this though provoking book in the near future.

We were grateful on this road trip for the navigational software on our phones that made exploring the side roads so much easier, remembering that the last time we took a major road trip we had used a map! The navigational software gave us the confidence to take "the road less traveled" on occasion, and prevented us from getting lost (most of the time). One of my favorite features of the navigational software is that whenever the driver makes a wrong turn, a voice speaks, reassuring the driver that it is "recalculating a new route." Moments later, order is restored and the software spells out an alternative route to get to the desired destination. This feature helped us on numerous occasions.

Every time I heard the calm voice from our navigational software tell us that it was "recalculating a new route" when it realized we were heading in the wrong direction, I could not help but think of what I frequently hear people say when I facilitate wellness groups for Living Compass. In our wellness groups, it is common to hear a participant say, "I feel like that in this particular aspect of my life, I am not heading in the right direction. It's like there's this voice in my head that is telling me to change directions, possibly even to make a complete U-turn." The particular area of their life that they are referring could be any area of wellness--spiritual, relational, vocational, physical, emotional, or financial.

In fact, one of the reasons we named our wellness program Living Compass is because we believe that there is a living compass, a living navigational system that operates within all of us. It is that voice, that whisper, that we hear when our lives are heading down a road that does lead us to our desired destination. . That voice lets us know that we are off track, and if we are willing to really listen, that same voice can help us to recalculate our route and help us to get where it is we really want to go.

I personally believe that this internal navigational system, that small whisper within us, is a gift from the Divine, guiding us toward an abundant life. I am practicing trusting that voice more and more in my life, and I find that one of the gifts of listening to and trusting that voice is that it gives me more freedom to explore some less traveled roads. It allows me to explore some new opportunities with the confidence that if I do make a wrong turn here or there, there will be a calm, reassuring voice that gently lets me know that it is busy recalculating my route and then offering me a new way forward, much as the software did for my wife and I on our journey recently.

I believe it is wise for all of us to keep our hearts and souls open to this small voice within us, which may be beckoning us to make new healthy, life-giving choices. As you listen carefully to your internal navigational system what new opportunities, created by a change in course, might it be suggesting for you?