Resurrection and Resilience

Our Living Compass Lenten booklet for this year focused on the theme of "Practicing Resilience with All Our Heart, Soul, Strength, and MInd." We have been inspired by the responses from people across the country who have shared with us their own journeys of resilience this Lent. In my work as both a priest and a psychotherapist, I have had the privilege of walking with many individuals, families, and congregations over the years as they have demonstrated great courage in being able to bounce back and recover from difficult challenges as well. I have always been curious as to why some individuals, families, and congregations are able to be resilient, while others struggle to bounce back. As I reflect on the multitude of stories that I have heard it is clear that promoting and living into resiliency is an important and multifaceted endeavor, one that truly affects all dimensions of a person's life--heart, soul, strength, and mind.

There are several popular books that have been written recently about resilience. These books all agree on a few key practices that help aid the development of resiliency, all of which take commitment and perseverance. These practices include:

• Learning to let go
• Accepting "what is"
• Practicing patience
• Staying connecting to others
• Getting adequate rest, exercise, and practicing overall self-care

In light of the celebration of Easter this coming Sunday, I would like to suggest one more practice that I believe is the most important of all, and that is "Practicing resurrection." To practice resurrection means to make a commitment to put into practice core beliefs of the Easter story of hope and of life after disappointment, loss and death. The first step is to believe in resurrection, the second step is to put this belief into practice.

The resurrection of Jesus is God's hopeful gift to us and to the world. It is up to us to decide whether we will choose to receive, embrace and live into this gift of hopefulness. It is our choice to decide whether each day we will look at the possibilities of new beginnings and of hopeful new ways of looking at the world, our own lives, our own relationships, and our own communities.

Practicing resurrection elevates resilience to a whole new level. While the most commonly recognized meaning of resilience is to "bounce back," resurrection is much more than merely bouncing back. Resurrection is bouncing forward, not only recovering from a loss or difficult time, but also eventually transcending that loss and moving into a whole new, deeper way of living. Resurrection is not about getting our old life back, but getting a whole new life that transcends, and yet at the same time honors and includes memories of the old one. An organization, for example, that practices this kind of resilience is an organization that honors it's past traditions, while at the same time finds new ways to live out its mission and purpose today.

In the Gospel reading for this Easter Sunday, when Mary first sees the resurrected Jesus she does not recognize him. This is because he is not the person he was. Instead, he has been raised to new life; a life that is both connected to his previous life and yet at the same time is brand new. A Christian understanding of resilience then means to discover a life that is connected to our past and yet at the same time is brand new. God is always creating that new life in and around us. It is up to us to recognize it, to practice it, and to share it with others, not just on Easter, but throughout the year.

We at Living Compass wish all of you a happy and joyous Easter season.

Celebrating Rituals

During the next two weeks we will find both Jews and Christians celebrating some of the most sacred rituals of their respective faith traditions.  Holy Week begins this coming Sunday for Christians and culminates with the celebration of Easter the following Sunday.  Passover begins next Friday  and continues for the following eight days. Each sacred ritual will draw on ancient traditions.  Stories will be told.  Songs will be sung.  Prayers will be offered.  Faith will be renewed.  Community bonds will be strengthened.  

Rituals are essential for ordering our lives.  They help form our identities, both individually and communally.  Rituals are how we pass on wisdom and beliefs across generations.  It is clear how this happens through religious rituals, but have you ever thought how this is true for personal and family rituals, as well?

All families have rituals that make them unique.  Family rituals are common around the sharing of meals, bedtime routines, celebrating holidays, enjoying vacations, recreating, and participating in spiritual/religious celebrations.  Family rituals embody values and core beliefs that are important to each family and help ground and form the identities of the members of the family.  What family rituals have been important in your life?  Are there family rituals that have been passed on through the generations? What do they say about your values and those of your family?

For many years, when our children were young, I would make pancakes every Saturday morning.  Blueberry pancakes were a favorite, as were pancakes shaped in the form of each child’s initials.  The family time around the breakfast table was every bit as important as the meal we shared as it provided a chance to hear about each others’ week and to talk about plans for the upcoming weekend.  This simple ritual, among many others, helped ground and bond our family together.

The important ingredient in participating in rituals, whether family or religious, is how we choose to participate.  How we show up makes all the difference.  Choosing to be mindful and fully present means that we will both receive the most from and give the most to the experience.  If, however, we are distracted, simply going through the motions of a ritual, we will likely receive little and give little to the experience and to those who are participating with us.

As many of us prepare to celebrate the sacred rituals of our particular faiths, may it be a time for us to also remember the importance of the sacred rituals of our daily lives spent with family and friends.   And whether we find ourselves making blueberry pancakes for our family, telling a favorite bedtime story, or attending religious services may we do so joyfully and mindfully, choosing to bring our full selves to these most important and defining experiences.

I Love To Watch You Play

In my work as a family therapist, one question comes up often is that of determining the best way for parents to respond to their child's involvement in competitive sports. This issue also comes up in regard to other competitions as well, for example in the worlds of music, dance, voice, drama, debate, art, and mock trial. Any time a child participates in a competition, adults have several possible ways they can show interest and give feedback. Parents usually know when they have said the wrong thing to a child after a competition, as when they have expressed disappointment in their child's performance, or when they have offered unsolicited advice or criticism. It is fairly clear what kinds of things parents can say to hurt their child in such situations. What is less clear is what parents should say after they have watched their child compete that will be both honest and at the same time will build connection with their child.

Several years ago I read an article by Bob E. Brown and Rob Miller of Proactive Coaching, LLC. These two men speak to athletes and their parents at all levels of competitive youth sports, from grade school through college. Based on their years of experience with student athletes and having asked the athletes themselves what they most liked hearing from their parents after a competition, the athletes came up with a simple response. The six-word response they liked hearing most from their parents was, "I love to watch you play."

"I love to watch you play" is so powerful, both in its simplicity and in its positive effect on a child. It is the role of coaches to give critique and feedback when needed, and it is the role of parents to be their child's number one cheerleader. The beauty of "I love to watch you play" is that it celebrates the courage of a child who puts him or herself out there and takes the risk to compete, rather than merely focusing on whether the child played well or struck out, sang beautifully or were off key, remembered their lines or froze in the spotlight, won or lost. In our very competitive, win-at-all-cost culture, the child does not need more attention focused on the whether he or she won or lost. Instead, our children need our admiration, encouragement and unconditional love.

I love to watch college basketball and so this time of year is basketball heaven for me. The NCAA men's basketball tournament, going on right now, consists of sixty-eight teams that made it into the tournament--quite an accomplishment in and of itself. Sixty-seven of those teams will go home having lost the last game they played. If those players and their teams only measure success or value when it comes to competition as winning, then only one out of sixty-eight teams will consider themselves completely successful.

The measure of success and value that is being lifted up in the statement "I love to watch you play" transcends the value of merely winning the game. "I love to watch you play" celebrates the passion, discipline, commitment, dedication, and courage of anyone who is willing to put him or herself out there to compete in any way. It celebrates the long hours of practicing, memorizing, learning, listening, making new friends, and the joy of the chosen activity.

So as I watch college basketball games over the next few weeks, will I be hoping my favorite teams win? Sure I will. But whether they win or lose, I will still enjoy every minute of the games. Why? Because, "I love to watch them play!"

Spring Cleaning

My wife and I cleaned the top of my desk in my home office this week as part of our spring house cleaning. I must confess that the whole idea for this project came from my wife and yet I am delighted with how it all turned out. We share our home office space and for some strange reason she had become tired of looking at the clutter that was stacked on top of my desk. What she referred to as clutter was simply the twenty or so new books that I had purchased over the last year, as well as an assortment of papers and notebooks I had piled there. The reason the books were stacked on top of my desk was because my overstuffed bookshelf. I knew that before I could move the new books from the top of my desk to the bookshelf I was going to have to create space for them by getting rid of a number of books in my bookshelf. And getting rid of books is never easy for me. But with the assistance and insistence of my life partner I did it and I feel this great sense relief now that it is done. I have heard from several people recently that have taken on a decluttering practice as a way of observing the forty days of Lent. There is even an official "40 Bags in 40 Days De-cluttering Challenge for Lent" program that one can join. One of the benefits of joining this program is receiving daily inspirational emails with lists of specific areas of one's home and one's life that can benefit from decluttering. I visited the website for this challenge and found a list of 79 areas of one's home that they suggest decluttering. I'm not sure whether I find that inspiring or overwhelming, but I am delighted to have conquered one of the 79 areas for now.

I know others who are observing Lent by practicing a different kind of decluttering. This decluttering is not related to material stuff, but to time. To declutter one's life in terms of time is to become intentional about slowing down and even stopping for a period of sabbath time each day. This sabbath time can be used to simply rest, or it can be used for prayer, writing, or anything that is a small break from everyday life and that renews you.

The word clutter is closely related to the word clot, and it is easy to see why. A clot blocks the flow of something that is supposed to flow freely. And so it is with clutter. I am pleased to be sitting at my clean desk right now writing this column. Just yesterday, before our spring cleaning began, it would have been hard for me to find room at my desk for my laptop. After avoiding sitting at my desk for some time, I now find myself delighted to have rediscovered the joy of this workspace. Similarly, clearing a portion of our day to make room for sabbath time creates an opening for spiritual energy and vitality to flow more freely, a metaphorical spring cleaning.

Sometimes it takes someone else in our lives to notice that our clutter is becoming out of control as I learned from my recent desk cleaning. In the case of my desk, it took the help of my wife to point out what I already knew but had been pretending not to know. When our material, emotional, or spiritual clutter builds up to the point that others are being affected by it, it is clearly time to address it. When we do, not only will we feel so much better, but those closest to us will as well.

No One Youer Than You

In honor of the birthday of Theodor Seuss Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, this past week, many people were sharing some of his best quotes. As I was reading them there was one that particularly caught my attention. It was one that I had not heard for a long time. "Today you are you. That is truer than true. There is no one alive that is youer than you."

In our Living Compass wellness programs and classes we talk a great deal about vocation and this quote from Dr. Seuss speaks to the essence of what we mean when we talk about vocation. Vocation is not simply the work (paid or otherwise) that we do, but is more deeply rooted in finding and expressing our unique voice in the world. The word vocation comes from the Latin vocare, which is the root for voice. To live out our vocation in the world is to find and express our unique voice.

Our seventeen month old grandson doesn't seem to have any trouble fully living expressing his unique voice in the world. He has recently begun picking out his own outfits to wear and there is truly no one else alive with his exact sense of style! It is easy for me to look at our grandson and think there is truly "no one youer than you!" He does not look to others to see if they approve of his style. Instead, he knows what he likes and what makes him feel good and is proud to show it to the world.

Something happens to all of us though as we grow older. We want to fit in and be like others. We want to be accepted and we want the approval of others and so it becomes more difficult to trust and express our unique voice. That voice is still in there but we need to be more intentional to listen to that inner voice and to express it as we get older.

I see this struggle to want to be like others when I watch clips from some of this season's television shows that feature singing competitions. It is not uncommon for a contestant to attempt to sound like someone else, and so a young woman might try to sound just like Katy Perry, or a young man works hard to exactly mimic the sound of John Legend. This never plays well with the judges. One of the strongest critiques a judge can give a copycat contestant is, "you sang that like you were just trying to imitate the original version of that song. There was no originality to your performance; it was totally karaoke". The consistent feedback that judges give to the singers is that they need to make the song their own--they have to bring their own unique voice, talent, and passion to the song in order to make it memorable. I think this is a lesson for all of us.

In honor of the Dr. Seuss's birthday, and in honor of my grandson's unique sense of putting together outfits, I'm going to recommit myself to do as the singing contestant judges advise and use my unique voice, talents, and passions to make more beautiful music in the world. I invite you to join me because, as the good doctor says, there really is "no one alive that is youer than you!"