Being and Doing

Last week in this column I wrote about a spiritual practice I refer to as "Receive, Release" and shared how I use it in my own life on a daily basis. I invited others to share their own spiritual practices with me and I was delighted to receive so many responses. As I reflected on the responses, I realized they fell into two categories. The first group of responses focused primarily on private and personal spiritual practices, while the second group focused primarily on action-oriented or "other- directed" practices. This week I would like to reflect a little on each of these types of spiritual practices. Private, personal spiritual practices are perhaps the first thing we think of when we think about spiritual practices. These practices are undertaken to strengthen one's soul and one's spirituality, similar to exercises one might do on a regular basis to strengthen one's physical wellness. The "Receive, Release" practice I described last week is one example of a private, personal practice, as are all forms of prayer and meditation. Many of the responses I received last week were examples of this kind of spiritual practice, and included practices such as keeping a gratitude journal by listing what one is thankful for each day, participating in a form of centering prayer or meditation using a repetitive phrase, going on a retreat, worshipping, singing, painting, writing, and doing spiritual reading.

The second type of spiritual practices that readers shared with me this past week were practices that focus more on actions, on things that people do for others. A few readers said that they think of spiritual practices as how they practice and express their spirituality in their everyday lives and in the wider world. Some of the actions that people shared from this category included, "treating others with respect and kindness," "being patient with my children," "serving meals at a local feeding program," "serving at my church," "caring for my aging parents," and "working on a Habitat for Humanity house". For these people, the living out of one's spirituality in one's life is what is most important and is a spiritual practice unto itself.

Clearly when it comes to spiritual practices it is not an "either/or," but rather a "both/and" situation. Spirituality is relational, by definition. When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandments were, his answer defined three essential relationships. "To love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind, and to love your neighbor as yourself." Tending to and strengthening these three relationships--your relationship with the Divine, your relationship with your neighbor, and your relationship with yourself--defines the essence of all spiritual practices.

A spiritual practice can be both private/personal and action-oriented, and something that strengthens the three relationships I just discussed of God, neighbor, and self. For example, if I do the "Receive, Release" practice and focus on receiving patience from God, I am first strengthening my relationship with God as I ask God's help in being more patient. This is good in and of itself, but becomes an even deeper spiritual practice when I then practice through specific actions extending that patience to both myself and others. In this way working to develop patience can be approached through both types of spiritual practices.

I am grateful for all of you who responded to my reflection on "Receive, Release." Your responses have helped me to expand my thinking to a more integrated expression of spiritual practice that brings together both being and doing.

Receive, Release: A Simple Spiritual Practice

Christians began celebrating the season of Lent this past Wednesday.  Traditionally this has been a time to give something up, but more recently many who observe Lent have focused on taking something on.  Taking something on for Lent might include a spiritual practice, a regular act of charity or service to others, a regular discipline of spiritual reading, or a new habit, many of which related to diet or exercise.For Lent this year I am taking on a renewed commitment to sitting in silence for thirty minutes each day as a way to connect with both the Divine and with a deeper sense of my true self.  Because my mind is prone to wander when I sit in silence for an extended period of time, I also engage in a centering practice that I call, “Receive, Release.”  I share it with you here in case it might be helpful to you as you engage in the practice of either giving something up or taking something on for Lent or perhaps you might find it helpful for your life in general.

Here is how I do the centering practice “Receive, Release.”  First, as a I close my eyes,  I find a comfortable sitting position, and then place my hands on my lap with my palms facing up.    Next, I begin to take moderately deep breaths and gradually slow down my breathing.  As I continue this slower breathing for a short time, I then begin to repeat the word “receive” silently in my mind each time I inhale.  After a short time, I begin to repeat the word “release” each time I exhale.  So it's “receive” as I inhale, and “release” as I exhale.  These two words  help me focus my mind whenever it begins to wander.  As I repeat the word “receive” I imagine myself receiving exactly what the Divine is offering to me right now.  As I repeat the word “release” I imagine myself releasing to the Divine what it is I need to let go of at this time.  I find it is helpful to set a timer. Thirty minutes may be a long time to start out with, so feel free to experiment with doing this for shorter periods of time.  As you feel more comfortable doing this practice you can extend the time, if you wish.

This version of “receive, release” works well on its own and you may want to leave it at that, but you may find that you want to add another aspect to this practice that is particularly helpful when you are experiencing worry or stress.  After you have closed your eyes and have slowed down your breathing, but before you begin repeating “receive, release” in your mind, bring the stressful or worrisome concern to mind.  It might be a health concern, a relationship concern, a financial concern, or just a general sense of worry or stress.  Begin the mindful repetition of “receive, release” and imagine what it is you need to receive from the Divine to help you with this stress or worry, and what it is you need to release to the Divine to help lighten the burden this stress or worry is causing you.  You may even find that you are given a word or phrase to use in place of “receive” or “release.”  You might, for example, find yourself mindfully repeating “patience,” “kindness,” or “forgiveness” on your in-breath and perhaps something like “control,” “anger,” or “judgement” on the out-breath.

This practice can be done anytime, anywhere.  The beauty of this simple practice is that if you do it with your eyes open no one will know that you are doing  it.   If you are losing your calm in a meeting you can do it.  You can also do it if you are waiting in line or are stuck in traffic.  I find that it is very helpful to do this mindfulness practice as preparation for a high stress meeting or situation.  When I do this, I find that I enter that meeting or situation with greater calmness and greater clarity.

Whatever you decide to give up or take on for this season of Lent, I wish you well.  I'd love to hear what you are doing and welcome you to share your practice on our Facebook page, found at https://www.facebook.com/LivingCompass

Valentine's Day Deposits

As we prepare for the celebration of Valentine's Day, here are some interesting statistics that capture just how much this day means to Americans. • 17.3 billion (that's right, billion) dollars will be spent in celebration of Valentine's Day. • 224 million roses will be given. • 1.9 billion dollars will be spent on flowers. • 1.6 billion dollars will be spent on chocolate. • 4.4 billion dollars will be spend on gold, diamonds, and jewelry. • 151 million Valentine's Day cards will be exchanged.

As a culture, we clearly value expressing our love for each other this time of year. This includes the expression of all kinds of love, not just romantic love. Valentine's Day is also an opportunity to tell friends, relatives, colleagues, and class mates (Remember exchanging cards with everyone in your classroom when you were a child?) how much they mean to us.

While it would be possible to look at the amount of money that is spent on Valentine's Day and conclude that this holiday has become overly commercialized, I choose, instead, to see the numbers above as a reflection of how powerful the need is within each of us to both give and receive love and appreciation. Two of the most fundamental needs we all have in life are to love and to be loved.

In our Living Compass class on healthy relationships we talk about the concept of "emotional bank accounts." In order to build and maintain healthy relationships we need to make regular "deposits" in the emotional bank accounts of those with whom we are in relationship. When we celebrate Valentine's Day by giving a friend or loved one a card, some flowers, or chocolate, we are clearly making a deposit in their emotional bank account. We are making them happy and we are strengthening the relationship.

There will undoubtedly be times when we make "withdrawals" from another's emotional bank account as well. Withdrawals can come when we are irritable or overly critical, when we forget to acknowledge an important event or day (like Valentine's Day!), or even when we are distracted or simply not paying attention to a relationship. Withdrawals are a natural part of life, but something we want to be aware of because too many of them can significantly hurt a relationship.

Research has shown that healthy relationships have a ratio of deposits to withdrawals of at least 5:1. This means that in healthy and happy relationships there are at least 5 times as many expressions of kindness, gratitude, and appreciation as there are expressions of criticism or lack of attention.

Now here's some really good news. While it true that Americans will spend over 17 billion dollars on Valentine's Day, some of the most powerful deposits we can make in each other's emotional bank accounts do not cost a cent. Giving a compliment, saying a kind word, expressing gratitude, making a phone call, sending a text message or a hand written note can make a big difference in a relationship. Just letting someone know that we care about them will not cost us anything at all, and yet will do a lot to build up that person's emotional bank account and at the same time strengthen our relationship with that person.

To paraphrase a MasterCard commercial that has been popular recently:  What is the cost of Valentine's Day related expenses for Americans? $17.3 billion. What is the cost of regular, ongoing expressions of kindness, gratitude, and appreciation? That, my friends, is priceless.

Stay With Me

My wife and I saw Bob Dylan in concert this past November in Chicago. It was probably our twentieth time of seeing him perform over the last thirty-five years and we were thrilled with his performance. In fact, at age 73, we found his singing to be as clear and soulful as we had ever heard him. He is always finding something new to add to his concerts, and so now he only plays the grand piano and no longer plays the guitar--either acoustic or electric--that he is well known for playing. After Dylan completed his performance, he left the stage, and to no one's surprise, he received a rousing, standing ovation. Upon returning to the stage Mr. Dylan sang two songs as his encore for the night. The first song was no surprise as it is one of his most well known songs, Blowing in the Wind. The second, and closing song of the evening, was a complete surprise to all. Seated at the grand piano Dylan enchanted us with the song, Stay With Me. Stay With Me, it turns out, is a song that is actually a prayer for guidance, and was written in 1963 for the film The Vatican. The song was recorded by Frank Sinatra the following year. I must say the surprise encore of Stay With Me was one of the most pleasant and delightful moments of the evening and one we will not soon forget.

This week, Bob Dylan released his 64th album that, based on early reviews, is also being received as a pleasant surprise to listeners. The Album entitled Shadows in the Night, includes ten classic songs from what Dylan calls the "The Great American Songbook," including the song he surprised us with at the Chicago concert, Stay With Me. Several of the songs on this album date back to the 1940's and I am guessing that Bob Dylan, born in 1941, grew up in a home where his parents listened to many of these songs.

I am inspired by Dylan's new album in several ways. First, I am inspired that at age 73 he is still creating new music, and is still out there touring and enchanting audiences. I am also inspired by fact that Bob Dylan, one of the greatest song writers of all time, is humble enough to record an album on which he lifts up and sings the songs of other great song writers. Finally I am inspired that in this album I see the wisdom that comes with age, that bows to acknowledge and honor the wisdom in the songs that formed and shaped him as a young child.

Dylan models for me an essential lesson in wellness. To live well means to be able to do two things. It means to be able to find your own voice and "sing your own song" and, at the same time, it means to be able to honor the voices and sing the songs that come from a collective history and wisdom that are bigger than one's self.

I can only now imagine the young, twenty-three year old, Bob Dylan writing and singing The Times They Are A Changing, thinking all the while that his parents didn't know much about life and that their music was old and irrelevant. And now, I can also imagine a much older Dylan recording the album he released this week and thinking to himself, "Wow, my parents knew actually did now something about fine music and perhaps about life, too, and I am grateful to be able to honor that music with this album."

So in honor of Bob Dylan's new album this week, may we all continue making our own music, and at the same time, may we remember to honor the collective wisdom, and the collective soul, of the voices and music that have come before us.

Here are the lyrics to Stay With Me. If you would like to listen to the song, you can do so at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tt1BBubMHzM

Should my heart not be humble Should my eyes fail to see Should my feet sometimes stumble On the way, stay with me

Like the lamb that in springtime Wanders far from the fold Comes the darkness and the frost I get lost I grow cold

I grow cold, I grow weary And I know I have sinned And I go, seeking shelter And I cry in the wind Though I grope and I blunder And I'm weak and I'm wrong

Though the road buckles under Where I walk, walk along Till I find to my wonder Every path leads to Thee All that I can do is pray Stay with me Stay with me

The Power of Vulnerability

Like many people in my generation, I was raised with the idea that vulnerability was a weakness. Showing vulnerability was something to be avoided. Many of us were taught that if we were ever feeling vulnerable it was best for us to do everything possible to hide this from others. This mindset regarding vulnerability did not serve us well and thankfully I realized that at a relatively young age. While suppressing vulnerability at all costs may serve a person well when facing a saber-toothed tiger or facing an armed enemy, it does not serve a person well when it comes to living and loving well. In fact, as I learned just this week, there is now extensive research that shows that the key to living well, the key to living a whole-hearted life, is the ability to feel and express vulnerability.

I am in Houston this week for a national conference of leaders in the Episcopal Church who are passionate about helping others to learn about life-giving approaches to teaching and experiencing the Christian faith. One of the keynote speakers for this conference, Dr. Brené Brown, is a graduate professor in the school of social work at the University of Houston, and is also an active member of Christ Episcopal Cathedral in downtown Houston where we were meeting. We had the privilege to sit in her church, listening to her tell us about her research on "the power of vulnerability." We were not the first people to hear this fascinating woman speak about vulnerability.

The fact is that over 18,000,000 people have watched Brené Brown's twenty minute TED talk on "The Power of Vulnerability." (I highly recommend it. You can watch it here.) It is one of the most widely watched of all TED talks. Additionally, Brown has had several bestselling books on this topic and she consults regularly, not just with church leaders, but with the leaders of Fortune 500 companies as well.

In brief summary of Brown's research, she has discovered that while blocking or numbing feelings of vulnerability may help us deal with pain in the short run, in the long run it also blocks us from the ability to form meaningful connections with others. As I heard her say this week, "Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, and of love." It turns out that science now proves that the advice that we should do our best to hide feelings of vulnerability is not at all helpful, as was once believed. Instead, the ability to express vulnerability is a key to experiencing happiness and joy.

Here is a concrete application of what Brown is saying. Imagine you have experienced a loss recently--perhaps the death of someone you love, a recent illness, job loss, or some other kind of hurt or set back. When a friend asks you how you are doing your first instinct might be to avoid any expression of vulnerability and respond that you are doing just "fine." The problem with this, of course, is that is not true. You know it, and the person you are responding to, knows it, too.

Now imagine instead that, while it is not easy, you choose to be vulnerable with that friend and respond by sharing with them how difficult it is for you right now. Responding in this way will do several things. It will immediately deepen your connection with this person, it will help with your own healing, and it will likely illicit a response from your friend that lets you know that he or she may have experienced something similar in his or her life and that you are not alone in feeling the way you are feeling.

Dr. Brown's research on vulnerability is counter-intuitive to what most of us have previously been taught and believed. I hope you will do yourself a favor and watch one of her TED talks or read one of her best selling books. More importantly, my hope for you, as it is for myself, is that we will have the courage to live our lives in ways that promote wellness through authenticity, and vulnerability so that in the end we can experience a life of joy and whole-heartedness.