Rites of Passage

Have you ever thought about the importance and power of ritual? I have. In fact, I think about it all the time. As someone who has been a student and a practitioner of both religion and psychology my entire adult life, I have always been fascinated by ritual, and especially by rituals that mark important transitions in a person's life. Perhaps you know someone who is either graduating or getting married this time of year as it is the season for these events. Perhaps you will even be attending a graduation or wedding soon. If so, then you will be witnessing first hand the importance and power of ritual. Specifically, if you are part of a graduation or wedding ceremony, you will be witnessing and participating in what particular kind of ritual known as a rite of passage.

Rites of passage are ceremonies created and celebrated by communities to mark a person's transition from one stage of life to another. They are as ancient as human civilization itself. Everywhere, in every culture, rites of passage occur throughout the life cycle to mark a person's transition from one stage of identity--from youth to adulthood, from student to graduate, from work to retirement, from being single to being married, from life to death.

On one level, both graduations and wedding ceremonies celebrate the choices that individuals have made. A graduate is someone who has made disciplined choices for many years in order to achieve the honor of being able to graduate. A couple getting married is a celebration of two individuals who have made disciplined choices over time to build a relationship to which they now wish to make a lifelong commitment. Without the choices made by these individuals, there would be no rite of passage ceremony.

At the same time though, there would also not truly be a rite of passage ceremony without the gathering of the wider community to witness and celebrate it. It is not a coincidence that most graduation and wedding ceremonies include a gathering of multiple generations to both witness and celebrate the rite of passage. The wider communities of extended family, friends, colleagues, faculty, and neighbors all there to confer their blessing and recognition of the individual's new identity, whether that new identity be as graduate or as part of a newly married couple.

All of this a great reminder that a person's identity is always created through a combination of individual choice and communal blessing. No person is an island. The myth of the "self-made" individual is just that--a myth. Individual choice is necessary to create a new identity, but it is not sufficient. There must also be a formative community that both blesses and marks the individual's choices in order to confer the new identity.

So if you are invited to participate in a graduation or wedding ceremony this time of year, I hope you will joyfully accept. You have been invited because you are an essential part of the community that has formed that person's identity. Without you, they wouldn't be the person that they are today. They need you there to bless and mark their new identity, and to love and support them as they grow into who they are now becoming.

To Be All There

On Facebook this week, as news reports came in regarding the death of Maya Angelou, countless people remembered her in the most fitting way one can honor a poet and author--they shared some her most famous quotes and poems. Some people shared touching stories of how they reacted when they first encountered the words of Maya Angelou, while others shared how her life and voice continue to touch their lives. Living Compass has an active Facebook page where we love to post quotes and images that are both pithy and inspiring in nature. It would have been only natural for us to share a post featuring the words of Maya Angelou on the day that she passed, but we chose to go in a different direction in her honor. The quote that we posted on our Facebook page this past Wednesday was this: "Wherever you are . . . be all there."

I cannot think of a more fitting description of the way Maya Angelou lived than the words "be all there." Maya Angelou was "all there." Her soul and her presence embodied the words that were her voice. When she spoke or when she read something she had written, she was "all there." She radiated a unity of heart, soul, mind, and strength. She lived an undivided life, which is another way of describing what it means to be "all there." You and I may not have the gift to write like Maya Angelou, but each of us has other important gifts. Each of us has our own unique combination of passion and talents, our own unique combination of heart, soul, mind, and strength. Each of us has the ability to live an undivided life. Each of us has the capacity to be all there for ourselves and for others.

I conclude with two Maya Angelou quotes that I feel are worth our thoughtful consideration today, words that might help guide our lives going forward, in her memory.

The first quote is,"Listen to yourself and in that quietude you might hear the voice of God."  These words are actually the final words she tweeted on her Twitter account, four days before she died. To listen deeply to ourselves and to hear the voice of God are essential steps in living an undivided life.

The second quote contains wisdom that I have always tried to keep in mind in the way I relate with others.  "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

True enough to this quote, I have forgotten most of the words that I heard her speak, but I will never forget the over all impact of her life. The way she was able to integrate and transcend all that she experienced, including abuse in her childhood, has inspired me and provided me with hope in the midst of whatever challenges I have faced.

Thank you Maya Angelou for helping us to never forget the importance of living an undivided life and showing us what it looks like to be "all there."   While we may not always remember your words, we will always remember the way you have made, and continue to make, us feel.

Love, Service, and Sacrifice

As an Episcopal priest, I have been involved with many funerals through the years. I've observed that whenever someone has spoken at these services, or at the reception that followed, the comments offered about the deceased have almost always included stories about how the deceased had loved and served others. I've heard stories of community service, stories of those who were loving friend or neighbor, father or mother, grandparent, aunt or uncle, stories of volunteer work, stories of generosity regarding time and money, stories of working with non-profit organizations, stories of people who gave in and through a faith community, and stories of individuals who served their country. Rarely at a funeral have I heard stories of a person's worldly accomplishments, and even when those have been mentioned it was usually in the context of how the deceased used such accomplishments to serve and give back to others. In last Friday's column I wrote of how Jack, my father-in-law, was very near death. Jack passed away last Friday night. It was a peaceful ending, permeated with the love of family and friends. This weekend we will gather to remember and celebrate Jack's life, and I know there will be a myriad of stories shared about his love and service to others as they will help us all remember and honor his life.

Why do we tell these stories of love and service when we remember someone's life? There are probably many reasons, but two principle reasons come to mind. First, I think we cherish and share these stories because they are a very important way in which the love of the person who has died continues to live on for us. I believe that what you and I do for ourselves comes from our egos and what we do for others comes from our souls, and it is the soul of a person that continues to live on after death.

The second reason I believe we tell stories of a person's love and service to others is that they inspire all those who tell and hear them to live similar lives. Stories of sacrifice, stories of being there for others, stories of making a difference in the lives of others encourage and inspire us to go and do likewise. Our collective memory is best served when it is filled with stories of love, service, and sacrifice.

This Monday, as a nation, we will celebrate Memorial Day, a time for our collective memory to honor the stories of those who gave the ultimate sacrifice of their lives in love and service to our country. Remembering those who died in service to our country reminds us that we are the beneficiaries of their sacrifices and additionally inspires us to provide loving service to others, to a cause greater than ourselves. May those who gave so much inspire us to commit to some new form of love, service, and sacrifice for others.

As you celebrate this Memorial Day may you take time to remember and share with others the inspirational stories of those you have known who have loved, served, and sacrificed during their lifetimes.

Reach Out

Our grandson is now seven and half months old and his favorite thing to do is reach out to touch or grab any person he can reach. This is all well and good when it's a hand that he grabs, but it is a little more challenging when he grabs hold of someone's hair or glasses. He cannot speak words yet, but his reaching to touch and grab is always accompanied by the utterance of sounds and gurgles that I can only assume mean, "I'm glad to see you," or "It feels so wonderful to connect with you," or "Thanks for being here with me right now!" I will now fast forward to the other end of the life span. My father-in-law, Jack, is 85 and very near the end of his life. He had a severe stroke late last week and many members of our large family have spent the week gathered around his bedside, returning to him the love that he has so freely given all of us these many years. He is dying a holy and peaceful death, surrounded by the people and the thoughts and prayers of those who love him most.

The first days after my father-in-law had his stroke, he was drifting in and out of consciousness. He could not speak, but he was able to recognize his family and respond to them. Each time his response has been to reach out his hand to touch or express a desire to have his hand held by someone, while at the same time uttering sounds and gurgles that we can only assume mean, "I'm glad to see you," or "It feels so wonderful to connect with you," or "Thanks for being here with me right now!" The nearly exact parallels with the actions and sounds of our grandson are impossible to miss.

When our son, daughter-in-law, and grandson came to visit my father-in-law this week, you can imagine what happened. Great-grandfather and great-grandson reached out their hands to touch each other, accompanied by sounds of delight at connecting, that no doubt expressed something like, "I"m glad to see you," or "It feels so wonderful to connect with you," or "Thanks for being here right now!" There was, of course, at that moment, not a dry eye in the room.

From the moment we are born to the moment we die, we long to connect with each other. We have an innate need, and an innate longing to touch and be touched, to hold and be held. Our wellness and wholeness is truly dependent on being connected to each other.

Who do you know that needs a loving touch right now in your life? Who do you know that needs a helping hand? Might you make time to reach out that person today, or sometime soon? And remember, you don't need to utter a word. As both my grandson and my father-in-law are teaching me, the power of touch, at any age or stage of life, transcends the need for words.

A Job Like No Other

In honor of Mother's Day, this week's column is simply a video to watch and a prayer to share. First is the link to a video, entitled "The World's Toughest Job" that says it all. (Here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HB3xM93rXbY). The video stands on it's own and needs no further commentary. Enjoy it and please share it with others who appreciate the job and art of motherhood. Second, I share with you the Mother's Day prayer below. Mother's Day stirs up a wide range of experiences and emotions for all of us. Many people feel great joy and appreciation this day, while others are feeling hurt or loss. I love this particular prayer because it lifts up and honors all of these emotions. I am grateful for the Rev. Debra Bullock, rector of St. Mark's Episcopal Church in Evanston, Illinois for sharing this prayer with me that she found in the book, Women's Uncommon Prayers: Our Lives Revealed, Nurtured, Celebrated, eds. Elizabeth Rankin Geitz, Marjorie A. Burke, Ann Smith, (Harrisburg, PA: Morehouse Publishing, 2000), 364. This prayer is written by The Rev. Leslie Nipps.

"On this Mother's Day, we give thanks to God for the divine gift of motherhood in all its diverse forms. Let us pray for all the mothers among us today; for our own mothers, those living and those who have passed away; for the mothers who loved us and for those who fell short of loving us fully; for all who hope to be mothers someday and for those whose hope to have children has been frustrated; for all mothers who have lost children; for all women and men who have mothered others in any way - those who have been our substitute mothers and we who have done so for those in need; and for the earth that bore us and provides us with our sustenance. We pray this all in the name of God, our great and loving Mother. Amen."

In the midst of all the emotions that we may be feeling this Mother's Day, we at Living Compass give thanks for, and to, all mothers and for all the mothering--whatever its source-- that we have all been blessed to receive in our lives.