Momisms 2013

Our wellness initiative continues the tradition of honoring mothers as Mother's Day approaches, by remembering the wisdom they teach us about how to live our lives well.  Last week I asked readers to share their favorite momisms and I received seventy-five responses.  I am sorry that I can't share them all, but I am delighted to share ten that stood out to our Living Compass wellness team.  We offer these ten momisms to you with a sentence or two reflection about what they have to teach us about wellness.      You can't know anything you've never been taught.  The implicit message of this momism is that we are wise to remain open to learning throughout our entire life.   Throughout each stage of life we can benefit from new experiences that teach us important lessons about wellness.

     Buy good fruit.  The wisdom here is that in order to eat well, we have to first make the choice to buy well.  This applies to all aspects of wellness.  Anticipation and preparation set us up to succeed.

     This moment is fleeting in the face of eternity.  Our emotional and spiritual wellness is enhanced when we remember two things--to live in the present moment, and that any present suffering is more bearable when we place it in the context of a much larger time frame.

     Take care of a goldfish and then you can get a dog.  When taking on any new challenge or responsibility it's important to start small.  New habits are learned best in small steps.  For example, develop a regular habit of walking before you try to run you first 5K.

     Life is hard by the yard, but a cinch by the inch.   Twelve step programs teach this same wisdom when the remind us to live one day at a time.  Start toward major goals with small steps.

     You know the difference between right and wrong, so act accordingly.  We almost always know what wellness and wholeness look like in the various aspects of our lives.  The key is matching our actions with what we know, matching our walk with our talk.

     For a friend in need, say a prayer and roast a chicken.  We need to remember to integrate the spiritual with the practical.  Faith without works is empty.

     The best way to have a friend is to be one.  Today this is known as the law of attraction.  All relationships are important and need to be tended to stay strong and healthy.

     If you can say something nice about somebody--sincerely--you should tell them.  This is the positive version of, “if you can't say something nice about someone don't say anything at all.”  This reminds us of the importance of sharing our appreciation and gratitude with others as it is what builds and strengthens individuals and relationships.      You are my sunshine and my love and prayers go with you always.  Unconditional love is the best gift of all.   It is love that is based on who a person is, not on what he or she does.  It is not only the best gift we can receive, but also the best gift we can give.

Emotional Resiliency

I love the word resiliency.  It's a fun word to say and I love the way it sounds.  It just sounds hopeful.  Even more than how is sounds, I like what it means.  To be resilient means to possess the ability to bounce back and recover one's emotional and spiritual center in the midst of difficult conditions.  Resiliency is not so much a trait a person possesses, but rather a skill that a person can learn and there are certain habits that a person can cultivate that will help them become more resilient.I had the joy of facilitating a conversation about emotional resiliency in the work place with forty church administrators this week.  As in many work settings, those in administration are the ones that hold the place together and when there is stress in the workplace, they are often the one's most affected.  It doesn't matter where you work--whether in the church or just about any other setting--stress in the work place is on the rise.  Some of the reasons for the increasing stress are people working longer hours or multiple jobs, they are taking on more increased workloads,  and they are finding that with smartphones, computers, and email it is harder than ever to keep personal time separate from work time. Perhaps you are one who is experiencing stress in the workplace right now.  Or perhaps you are experiencing stress in your personal or family life.  Whatever the nature of your stress here are a few suggestions that emerged from the conversation I had with some wise church administrators.  These suggestions can help any of us become more emotionally resilient in the face of stress. The first thing we all agreed upon was the importance of awareness--being able to honestly recognize the early warning signs that stress is building up and becoming a problem in one's life.  At our workshop I asked the group, “How do you know when stress is becoming a problem for you?”  Here are some of their answers:

• I get irritable and snap at people, either at work, or at home.
• I have trouble sleeping.
• I eat poorly, eating comfort food that's not good for me.
• I shut down and pull away from everyone.
• I get sick a lot.
• My allergies get much worse.
• I feel really anxious and have what feel like panic attacks.
• I cry a lot.
• I work more hours, but get less done because I'm tired and unfocussed.
• I stop exercising--the very thing I need to do more!

Our group agreed that the earlier we can pay attention to these warning signs that we are stressed, the easier it is for us to make the changes or adjustments necessary to recover our emotional balance. Our group discussed several other vital habits that help them maintain or recover their emotional center in the midst of stress.

• Develop and nurture one's spiritual life.
• Exercise on a regular basis.  It will do as much for one's moods as for one's body.
• Create healthy boundaries.  Know your limits and practice saying, “No.”
• Cultivate optimism.  Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow.
• Create or find a social support network.  No need to go it alone.  Resist the urge to either isolate from others, or to become irritable and short with them.
• Keep your sense of humor!

Stress happens.  It is ubiquitous these days.  Emotional resiliency happens, too, though.  The key difference though, is that stress happens whether we want it to or not, while emotional resiliency is something that we have to choose to make happen.   I am grateful for our wise group of church administrators for reminding us all of the habits and practices we can create to help us thrive, even in the midst of stress.

Strength of Character

42 is one of the best movies I have ever seen.  In spite of what you may have heard, it is not primarily a movie about baseball, but rather a movie about the power of the human spirit to triumph over evil.  It is a movie about the power of personal character, the power of faith, and the power of family.   Yes, it is a movie about Jackie Robinson, one of the most famous major league baseball players who ever lived, but what moved me most when I recently saw the movie was not the strength of his baseball skills, but rather the strength of his character.Bud Selig, the Commissioner of Major League Baseball, said this week, “There are a lot of great things that have happened over the years, but I have often said that Jackie Robinson's coming to the big leagues is not only the most powerful moment, but the most important moment.”  He made this statement while visiting Milwaukee this week where he spoke with students of Roosevelt Middle School of the Arts about the movie.   Accompanying him that day was a very special guest, a woman by the name of Sharon Robinson, who just happens to be the daughter of the late, great Jackie Robinson. The middle school students were treated to a special showing of 42, the movie that tells the story of Jackie Robinson's rookie year with the Brooklyn Dodgers.  On April 15, 1947, Robinson became the first black man to play Major League Baseball.   While the movie highlights Robinson's amazing athletic strengths, it is his strength of character that is most memorable. When Jackie's daughter, Sharon Robinson, asked the students, after having just seen the movie, how they would describe her father, the things they commented on were his bravery, self control, strength, power, determination, and the fact that he never gave up.  I find it fascinating  that they all spoke about Robinson's character, and not his ability to steal bases or hit with power to the opposite field. The movie makes it clear that there were three factors that gave Robinson the strength to endure the horrific racism he encountered.  The first was his own personal strength of character.  The second was the moral compass of his Christian faith.  And the third was the strength of his marriage to his wife, Rachel. All three are movingly portrayed in the movie.

Bravery. Self-control. Strong and powerful. Determination.  Never giving up.  This is how the middle schoolers remembered Jackie Robinson.  Wouldn't we all want to be remembered in this way?  We don't need to be national icons to exhibit these qualities.  What we do need though is strength of personal character, a strong moral compass, and strong, supportive relationships.

Fear Is Not the Only Force At Work in the World

In 1980 I ran my first marathon and have run dozens more since then in Chicago, Nashville, Philadelphia, Milwaukee, and many other cities. And I have had the honor of running the Boston Marathon twice. In my opinion, the greatest part about marathons is what we runners call "the human race." We relish the fact that the whole human race is represented: young and old and male and female compete together, those who are running and those who compete in wheel chairs as well, sighted and blind runners run side by side, and runners from every corner of the globe run together in races like Boston. And in no other sport do the world's elite athletes in their sport participate in the exact same event as the average, everyday athlete. When we runners have talked about the whole human race being present at every marathon, we never imagined that description to include the possibility of terrorists, but from this week going forward we will. In Boston this week, it turns out that "the whole human race" included about 25,000 runners, 500,000 spectators and 2 (the best guess at this point) terrorists. Boston is a painful reminder that within the whole human race we find the best and the worst of human behavior.

In the midst of all that I have read and seen this week, the words in the image at the top of this article have stayed with me. "Fear is not the only force at work in the world." I love these words because they honor the fact that fear is indeed part of what we all feel after a terrorist attack, and yet at the same time these words remind us that there are so many other forces at work in the world both before and after an attack like this.. Both the runners and the responders showed us that love, courage, compassion, commitment, discipline, sacrifice, faith, and hope are also very much alive and at work in the world.

We have a saying in Living Compass that says, "whatever we pay attention to is what will grow." For me, this means this week that I am allowing myself to feel my fear, grief, and anger, while at the same time I am giving most of my attention to the countless demonstrations of character and conviction that I have also witnessed this week in Boston.

The valley of the shadow of death is indeed real. Life is horribly unfair at times. Bad things happen to good people. The 23rd psalm does not deny the valley of the shadow of death, while at the same time it reminds us that we do not have to be consumed with fear. "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil." I take this to mean that while I will feel fear, I need not get stuck in that feeling. I can walk through that valley of death and of fear and emerge on the other side filled with hope, love, healing, and even forgiveness. That journey through the valley of death and fear is not easy. It takes time, commitment, discipline, and perseverance--something the 23,000 runners at the Boston marathon know a lot about and who in this midst of our fear serve as an inspiration for all of us.

When We Can't Untangle Ourselves

This is a picture of a humpback whale in great distress just outside of the Golden Gate bridge in California.  The whale had become entangled in numerous crab nets and traps and was struggling for survival when a fisherman saw the whale and radioed for help.  The whale was getting weaker and failing fast. When help arrived it became clear that there was no way the whale was going to be able to free itself.  The more frantically it tried to escape the nets the more they tightened.  The only possibility of saving the whale was for divers to enter the water with knives to cut the nets off of the whale.  This was of course going to be risky, but was less than might be expected as the whale was so exhausted.

The divers began their rescue attempt and the divers who were working near the whale's head reported that they felt the whales eyes watching them as they slowly the nets.  The divers' courageous efforts were successful and soon the whale was free.  Before the whale swam off, the whale circled the boats several times, seemingly saying a thank you for saving its life.

I have been both the whale and the divers in this story at different times in my life.  I have been the one in need of help and the one to offer help.  I'm guessing this probably is true for most of you as well.    There have been times when I've been tangled up in worry about how I was handling a difficult situation and other times when I have been tangled in grief or self-doubt.   What has made all the difference in such a situation is when a friend or loved one has taken the time to listen to my worries and thoughts, and helped me sort through them.  A listening ear, and a listening heart, can help set us free and help give us the clarity we need to choose a course of action, resolve our worry, or move through grief.

I have worked with many people in my ministry who find themselves tangled up in shame, guilt, and self-criticism.  This in turn often manifests itself in more tangles--tangles with alcohol or drugs, or tangled up relationships.  While the divers used knives to free the whale, the primary tool we have to help others who are ensnared in shame and self-criticism are simply our loving and compassionate presence.  One conversation at a time, we can help cut the cords of whatever nets are binding them.

Perhaps you know someone who is tangled up in some way right now.  Maybe it is you.  Any of us can get entangled in worry, grief, self-doubt, anger, some kind of addiction, or an unhealthy relationship.  Perhaps the story of the whale who was helpless and the divers who risked getting involved will inspire us to either reach out for help or do what we can to make a difference for another, whichever the case may be.  The divers had no idea if they would be successful or not, and yet they had the courage to try, and the whale was able to trust that the divers could help.  May we be inspired to do the same, whoever we are in the story.