Who Do We Appreciate?

 
What We Appreciate Appreciates.jpg
 

Who Do We Appreciate?

I was out for a bike ride one evening this week, and I came upon the iconic summer scene of a Little League baseball game. I stopped for a moment and watched, reminiscing about the many years I spent both playing baseball as a kid, and coaching my kids as they did the same.

As I rode on I found myself thinking back to one particular ritual that we used to do after each game, both when we won and when we lost. Our team would form a circle and chant, “Two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate? Go…….Giants (or whatever the name of the other team was).” Then we would go over and shake hands with the other team, who had usually just finished doing the same cheer for us. We were paying attention to each other’s efforts, whether it led to a victory or not. 

For me, one of the most important parts of youth sports, if not the most important part, is the opportunity to teach character and values through being a good sport. Educating youth to appreciate others efforts sincerely, no matter the outcome, is a life lesson they can hold on to long after they complete their Little League baseball years.

All of this brings me to one of the core teachings that runs throughout our adult, parent, and teen wellness programs, the principle that, “Whatever we pay attention to, is what will grow.’ While I didn’t mention this principle directly in my column last week where I talked about the gift of imperfection, it was certainly implied. In that column I spoke of when it comes to our gardens as well as our lives, we can pay attention to the weeds that will always be there, or we can pay attention to that which is good and beautiful. Because, in fact, whatever we pay attention to, is what will grow.

I recently heard a different way of declaring this truth and it ties in with the Little League baseball cheer I mentioned earlier. It goes like this: “What we appreciate, appreciates.”  

If we appreciate and praise good behavior in a child, we will likely see more of that behavior.

If we appreciate someone’s efforts in facing a hard challenge, we will increase their self-confidence and their commitment to keep working to overcome their challenge.

If we express our gratitude and appreciation for something kind that someone does for others, we give encouragement for more acts of kindness.

When we call someone up who is alone who could use a little appreciation, we make them feel cared about and make their day.

You can, I’m sure, think of additional examples from your own life of how, “What we appreciate, appreciates,” and I encourage you to do so. Even more, I encourage you to test out the truth of this principle by making a concerted effort, in the days and weeks to come, to go out of your way and appreciate people in your life.

So, here we go team,…….”Two, four, six, eight. Who can we appreciate? Go……….”


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The Gift of Imperfection

 
The Gift of Imperfection
 

The Gift of Imperfection

    I was talking to a friend the other day who described himself as a perfectionist when it came to his yard, while at the same time acknowledging he was doing his best to get over the trait that had earned him his self-given title. He explained that the problem with being a yard perfectionist is that even when your lawn is ninety-eight percent weed free, the only thing about the yard that you notice is the few places where crabgrass is interrupting the beautiful stretches of grass. While no one would ever confuse me with a lawn perfectionist, I certainly can be one in other areas of my life, and so I know of what my friend speaks. In fact, I shared with my friend that I describe myself as a "recovering perfectionist." I commit one day at a time to not wearing myself and others out by not wanting or expecting everything to be flawless. 

    Summer is not only the season when we spend time thinking about, working on, and enjoying gardens, lawns, and parks, it is also the season of the year that we think about, plan, and enjoy weddings. As I was thinking about weddings this week and all of the relationships that will be celebrated, I realized that my lawn perfectionist friend provided me with an ideal metaphor for helping those couples, and all others in relationships, think about how they can best build healthy, long-lasting relationships, marriages, and families. 

    Every relationship contains some weeds of imperfection. Why? It’s because every relationship is made up of two imperfect people, two people who at times naturally become self-centered, irritable, and crabby. If we struggle with perfectionism in our relationships then eventually the only thing we will see in our partner, child, or friend is his or her "weeds." If we make a habit of noticing their flaws, pretty soon we may, without even realizing it, begin to overlook all of their good traits.

    We have a saying in Living Compass that reminds us that, ”Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow." If we only pay attention to the crabgrass in someone we care about, pretty soon that's all we will see. On the other hand, if we pay attention to what we love, enjoy, and appreciate about that person, we will see weeds less and less. If there is a weed growing in a relationship that is serious and potentially destructive to a relationship, then it must definitely be addressed before it creates real damage.

    I recently had the chance to spend time with a couple who has been married for over fifty years. When I asked them what advice they would share with any couple just starting out, they both agreed on two pieces of wisdom.

“Don’t focus on the petty things that can annoy you in the relationship.” 
and

“Make time every day to truly love and appreciate one another.” 

    This advice certainly seems to be helpful for many people I speak with, both personally and professionally, and I can see how it relates to managing perfectionist tendencies. Anyone can quickly wear out a partner, child, spouse, friend, or coworker with unrealistic expectations. 

    Weeds will always appear from time to time, both in lawns and in relationships. Knowing the difference between the weeds that are a normal part of every relationship and the weeds that are potentially destructive, and doing something about them is key to creating and maintaining healthy relationships. In addition, choosing to regularly focus our attention on what we love about a partner, spouse, child, or friend will grow both our love for them, as well as create a surplus of goodwill in our relationship. Just as grass needs water to stay green and growing, relationships, too, remain green and growing when they are watered regularly with love and positive attention.


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A Willingness to Get Involved

 
A Willingness to Get Involved
 

A Willingness to Get Involved

  Charlie Drake, one of my heroes and mentors, passed away this past week at the age of 86. I am one of a significant number of people who looked up to Charlie as a mentor. There are so many things to celebrate about this man’s life, and so I am pleased to be able to share one story that shows who Charlie was and why so many looked up to him. This story has to do with his very personal, hands-on efforts to help start what is now a vital nonprofit organization serving youth in the city of Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

    The Rev. Seth Dietrich, the pastor of Christ Episcopal Church in Whitefish Bay, Wisconsin, where Charlie was a very active member, actually wrote about Charlie’s work in helping to start this youth organization in the church newsletter, and so I will share with you here what Seth wrote to the people of his church this week.

    “In the late 1980's, St. Andrew's Episcopal Church on 32nd and Lloyd (Milwaukee) had many kids from the neighborhood coming to church. Charlie felt a call to ministry in the city, and he checked out St. Andrew's and began to periodically worship there. As he got to know the kids in Sunday school and worship, he heard first hand about the incredible challenges they faced on a daily basis. He enlisted the men's group of our church, at the time called The Brotherhood of St. Andrew's. Originally, the group was going to put up money for a scholarship fund, but Charlie convinced them that kids needed more personal attention and mentoring. In 1990, 8 people began a tutoring program for about 20 kids and The Homework Club was born.

    While Charlie was tutoring he began to get more involved in kids' lives. If they needed a winter coat he bought one; same with school supplies. He would take his mentee to baseball games. He started going to kids' parent-teacher conferences when a parent could not be there. The other tutors followed Charlie's lead, and before long, formal programming (e.g., a large-scale coat-drive) was created to institutionalize things that Charlie had just been doing on his own. Eventually, the Homework Club became Our Next Generation, a thriving non-profit organization which now has multiple locations and serves hundreds of kids every year.”

    One of the many things I love about this story is that Charlie made the decision the path of personal, direct involvement in the lives of the kids was the best way to make a difference in their lives. Over the years have had the honor to serve as both a board member and a tutor at Our Next Generation and so I have had the chance to witness first hand the effect that Charlie has on the kids. He made their faces shine when he walked in the door, and I couldn’t help but notice that they returned the favor, making his face shine with delight every time he was there with them.  

    I thought of Charlie when I heard the tremendous news of the twelve boys from the Thai soccer team, along with their coach, being rescued from the cave where they had been trapped for nine days. The willingness of the international team of divers, doctors, and other rescue team members to risk getting involved, and to give so selflessly is what made the mission ultimately successful. Any one of them could have chosen to pass on the mission, but they did not. Charlie, like the team of rescuers, chose to risk getting involved and to give selflessly to help hundreds of children. He, too, could have chosen to pass on the mission, but he did not.  

    It pretty safe to say that the opportunity to help a child in as dramatic a way as the rescuers did in Thailand this week will never present itself to any of us. It’s also pretty safe to say though, that we are all presented with many opportunities to help children in our own contexts, children in our families, neighborhoods, and communities. 

    In honor of Charlie, I’m going to be looking for new opportunities to serve a child in my corner of the world who needs a little extra love and support. I think that would make Charlie smile.


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The Beautiful Game

 
The Beautiful Game
 

The Beautiful Game

    It's World Cup time and so the last two weeks have been heaven for soccer fans. Every four years, thirty-two countries meet (a record 211 countries started the qualifying process this time) for the World Cup, a month-long tournament watched by billions of fans around the world. The men's World Cup is happening now in Russia, and the women's tournament will take place next year in France. 

    Soccer is often referred to as, "The Beautiful Game." For me, there are many reasons for this; here are my top three. 

    Simplicity. Soccer is perhaps the most simple sport there is. All that is needed to play is a ball and a couple of make-shift goals. No fancy or expensive equipment is required. An example of this was shared recently with me by a friend of mine with whom I have the honor of playing soccer each week. He told me about growing up in Tunisia and how his family and his friends' families did not have enough money to buy a soccer ball. This didn't stop them as they regularly made soccer balls out of rolled up newspaper and then used garbage cans as goals. 

    Another example of soccer's simplicity is its rules. There are only seventeen rules, known as the seventeen "laws" of soccer, and with the exception, perhaps of the offside rule, they are easily understood. Compare this, for example, to American football which has close to four hundred rules.  

    A celebration of diversity. No other sport has the worldwide popularity both for players and spectators. Right now you can watch teams from all corners of the world playing in the World Cup, countries as diverse as Panama, Iceland, South Korea, Senegal, Poland, Iran, Uruguay, Mexico, Japan, and Russia. 

    I started playing soccer in my mid-thirties, and twenty-five years later I am still fortunate to be able to play. Among the group of men I play with, we have players who grew up playing soccer in Ireland, Tunisia, Greece, Argentina, Mexico, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Nigeria, England, South Africa, Peru, Columbia, and Russia. We are men with different backgrounds who love the sport, and that commonality is a great connector. Our games and friendships are also a reminder to us of our shared humanity and the universal desire to have fun with friends. These men, unlike me, all grew up with a ball at their feet, and clearly play a more beautiful version of the game than I ever will!

    Celebrating the flow of play, and not just the results. It is not uncommon to hear Americans say that soccer is boring because there is so little scoring. People are perplexed as to how anyone could enjoy watching a ninety-minute match that ends in a score of 1-0 or even 0-0. The beauty of soccer though is not only about scoring but in the continuous flow of the game. Because there are no timeouts or commercials (except at halftime), the game is always in motion, ever-changing, and the players as a team must continuously adapt, communicate, and improvise in the flow of play. 

    Soccer fans understand that goals are rare and so learn to celebrate the beautiful dance and flow of the entire game. The focus of the team with the ball is always to keep moving forward, knowing that goals will be few, but with discipline and perseverance, goals will come in time. If you want to thoroughly appreciate the beauty of the flow of the game, next time you watch a game, don't just watch the player with the ball, but watch all the other players as they make runs to create space and possible scoring opportunities.  

    Simplicity, celebrating diversity, and learning to appreciate the flow of the game and not just the results are three ideas that sound like a good description not only of the beautiful game but also, of a beautiful life.


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The Hardest Person You Will Ever Lead Is Yourself

 
The Hardest Person You Will Ever Lead Is Yourself
 

The Hardest Person You Will Ever Lead Is Yourself

   This week I have had the honor of being part of the faculty for a course on leadership and non-profit Management in Chicago. The course is a collaborative effort between the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University and the Bexley Seabury Seminary. We have had the chance to both hear from and read some of the top teachers of leadership today. The common thread has become clear through all that we have learned can be summed up in a quote from leadership author Bill North: "The most important and the most challenging person you will ever have to lead is yourself." 
   
   This really struck home, and here is why. I oversee a wellness initiative that teaches the importance of balance and making time for rest and renewal. I teach this regularly, and yet there are times that I am so busy working and traveling to teach wellness and balance to others, that I forget to practice it myself. This I find to be is a perfect reminder that the most important and the most challenging person I will ever have to lead is myself.  

   I was recently facilitating one of our Parent Wellness Circle programs, and a mother was talking about how unhappy she was that her teenage children were spending so much time on their screens-their phones and their computers. She announced to our group that she was going to talk with her children in the upcoming week about their screen time, and would begin discussing some mutually acceptable boundaries around screen time. When she returned to our wellness circle the following week, she reported how things went. She explained that she realized that before she could talk to her kids, she had to take an honest look at herself. She realized that she was spending as much time, if not more, on her phone and computer each night and that before she was going to be able to talk to her kids about their excessive screen time, she was going to have to change her habits. Only then could she set a better example for her kids and expect them to follow. In all this, she, too, realized that the most important and the most challenging person she would ever have to lead was herself. 

   Here is one more example of this leadership truth. Years ago I was refereeing a youth soccer game between two middle school boys' teams. Within minutes of the beginning of the game, I realized that one of the coaches was a screamer. In all my years of being around soccer, I had never heard a coach yell at their players so much. I could see the effect of his constant yelling as his players were quite tentative and seemed to be afraid of making a mistake, less they got criticized. At halftime, I went over to this coach, pulling him aside for a private conversation. I quietly said to him, "I don't know if you are aware of how much you are yelling at your players. It's really out of control." He replied, "I have to yell like that because they never listen to me." I somehow found the courage to say back to him, "I think they don't listen to you because of the way you yell at them. They are tuning you out." After the game was over, this coach made a point of coming over and thanking me for my honesty. He also hopefully learned that day that the most important and challenging person he will have ever have to lead is not one of his players, but himself.  

   Think about the leaders and mentors that have influenced you most in your life. If you are like me, you may become aware that the most important way in which they influenced you was by the way they lived their own lives.  These kinds of leaders and mentor "walk the talk" and inspire us to want to do the same.

   I typically think of leadership as the ability to influence and change others. This week I am grateful for the reminder that leadership always starts with and flows from the ability to influence and change ourselves.


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