Life in the Midst of the Mess

Life in the Midst of the Mess

Change is messy. Perhaps this is why people, as well as families and organizations,  often try to avoid it. Change, whether planned or unplanned, is always hard. When change first happens the old normal is gone, and the new normal is not yet established. That time in between the old and new normal is always messy. In such times we can find comfort in the quote from Amy Dickinson, author and newspaper columnist, at the top of this column, “The fullness of life is incubated in its messy places.” I can give witness to the truth of this in my own life and in the countless people I have had the honor to help as a psychotherapist over the last three and half decades.

At this time of year in the Midwest, we know something about messy.  As the long winter loses its grip and the mounds of snow have just melted, our roads, sidewalks, trails, and yards become quite messy and even ugly.  In fact, I have heard it said here in the Midwest, as well as many other places in the country, that there are actually five seasons each year if you add the “mud season” that exists between winter and spring. Winter held on a little longer than usual this year and so just this past week we have begun experiencing our annual mud season.

Part of what creates the massive amount of mud and messiness this time of year is the fact that after a long, cold winter the depth of the ground freeze is quite significant.  During the mud season, while the warming temperatures thaw the surface of the ground, the deeper ground remains frozen, and thus the melting water at the surface is unable to percolate down into the soil.  Until the deeper ground thaws, the water stays on the surface creating increasingly deeper levels of mud and mess.  Many dirt roads and walking trails become impassable during this time of year until the deeper thaw finally occurs, allowing the water to seep down into the soil and then to flow on into the greater watershed, allowing the dirt to finally dry.

The mud season, itself a time of transition between winter and spring, strikes me as a powerful metaphor for describing what it feels like when we are going through times of change in our lives, be it as individuals, families, or organizations.  Times of transition are always messy, and the path forward can sometimes become muddy and hard to navigate.  If there is significant grief or loss of any kind involved in our transition, the initial thawing often feels particularly muddy and challenging.

Whatever type of mud season we may be experiencing, the way through is the same.  Be patient. Put your boots on, keep your head up, and keep moving forward. Be careful to watch where you are walking, so that you avoid any potential danger. Walk with someone else so you can help each other when the mud is, and you are at risk of getting stuck. Be patient, knowing that in time the ground will eventually thaw and the mess and the mud will gradually pass.  The path may not ever be the same, but a new way forward, a new normal, is sure to emerge in time.  And may we find comfort in remembering that, “The fullness of life is incubated in its messy places.”

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Picturing Self-Reflection in a Whole New Way

Picturing Self-Reflection in a Whole New Way

In our Living Compass Wellness Initiative, we teach that one of the first steps to living well is the practice of honest self-reflection. We need to start with an honest look at our lives, a self-assessment, of how things are and where we are before we can decide where we want to go.

This process of self-reflection is similar to what we do if we find ourselves visiting a city for the first time. If we are walking around trying to find a particular attraction we wish to visit, we are relieved when we come across a  display with a large map on it. When this happens, we will typically look for two things. First, we will look for our desired destination, and then we will look for the “You Are Here” dot or arrow. Without first getting an accurate read on where we are, it is difficult to figure out how to get to where we want to go.

This week I heard about a whole new approach to this practice of self-reflection. This particular approach was being recommended for anyone who wants to lose weight or simply make a positive change regarding their eating habits. The recommendation was to use your smartphone and snap a picture of everything you eat and drink throughout the entire day. At the end of the day, you then review all of your photos. This exercise helps bring into your awareness the truth of what you are eating and is especially helpful when repeated on a daily basis.

This novel approach to self-reflection is brilliant for two reasons. First, it gives a person an accurate record of what they are currently consuming each day. Second, the very act of stopping to take a snapshot of what one is about to eat or drink creates a pause, a pause where a person can ask themselves, “Do I really want to eat or drink this right now?” That pause provides an extended moment for self-reflection and allows space for the opportunity to make a different decision.

Whether we try this idea or not, it serves as an excellent reminder.   There is a definite benefit to pausing on a regular basis to take a “snapshot” of our current habits and choices regarding various aspects of our lives. We can all benefit from pausing from time to time to take a snapshot of our relationships, work, spirituality, care for our body, financial decisions (spending, saving, and sharing), and our current balance between caring for self and caring for others.

If all of this sounds  a little new age-ish, it might be helpful to know the source of the quote at the top of this column, “Self-reflection is the school of wisdom.” That quote is from a Jesuit priest and philosopher by the name of Baltasár Gracian who was born in 1601.  And going back much farther, we remember that Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not work living.”

So while the wisdom regarding the importance of self-reflection has been around for a while, I am assuming that making it a regular part of one’s life is as challenging today as it was all those years ago.

So pick the destination you want to get to in your life, get an accurate picture of “You Are Here” and start taking the next steps that will help you reach your destination.

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The Yardstick of Success

The Yardstick of Success

My father died seven years ago this week, and as I reflected on the anniversary of his death, I remembered what a tremendous honor it was to give the eulogy at his funeral. I have spoken at many funerals through the years, but of course, this one was different. This one was both harder and easier for obvious reasons.

I had no trouble, of course, coming up with material or memories from which to to draw. The most challenging part was limiting what I could focus on in the time I had. I chose to celebrate the way he served as a constant caregiver to my mother for many years until she herself passed away seven years before his death, as well as the bravery he showed in serving our country in World War II, including being on the front lines of Utah Beach during the D-Day invasion. I also touched on all of the wonderful adventures he took our family on, such as two-week-long camping trips and instilling in us his love of birds and bird watching.

Have you ever noticed that what is often shared during a funeral eulogy seems to measure a life well lived by a different metric than the one that is most often used by people when they are busy living their lives? In a eulogy, there is rarely, if ever, talk of financial success, societal status, or material possessions.  Instead, the focus is on how well the person lived—how they treated family and friends, and how they attempted to leave the world a little better and kinder place in some small way.

Barbara Bush’s passing this week brought what I am saying into focus. The full version of her quote at the top of this column says it best. All of the memories I have heard people share about Barbara Bush speak to the fact that she put these words into action in her own life.

“Never lose sight of the fact that the most important yardstick of your success will be how you treat other people – your family, friends, and coworkers, and even strangers you meet along the way.”

Sometimes when I have given a eulogy at a funeral, people will come up to me afterwards and say something like, “That was a beautiful eulogy you wrote!” My response is always the same, “Thank you, but I am not the one who wrote it. It was actually written by Barbara or Frank or _______ (insert the name of the deceased) in the way they lived their life.”

When someone we know dies, it is certainly a time for us to remember and reflect on how they lived their life. It can also provide a good opportunity for us to reflect on how we are currently living our own lives, and what yardstick we are using to measure success.

I close with one more quote from Barbara Bush that helps me to remember how to measure what is most important in life:

“At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a child, a friend or a parent.”

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Be a Hero

Be a Hero

I have had the chance to be in touch with over one thousand heroes this week. There are of course many kinds of heroes. In this case, I am referring the above quote from Fred Rogers, “Anyone who does anything to help a child is a hero to me.”

Last week our Samaritan Family Wellness Foundation began offering a free download of our Teen Compass Wellness Notebook, a link to which can be found at www.theteencompass.org. Since then, over one thousand people have responded. People from every state and ten different countries have taken us up on our offer. We can see from the orders and posts on social media that these people work with youth in a variety of capacities; they are teachers, school counselors, faith leaders, parents, grandparents, scout leaders, youth ministers, marriage and family therapists, social workers, school administrators, non-profit youth leaders, state and county youth mental health workers, and a variety of other adults who care deeply about the well-being of our young people. Each of these people is a hero in my opinion.

All of us have the capacity to influence young people, simply by the behaviors and choices we model in our own lives. Another of my favorite quotes about helping young people, this one from basketball coach John Wooden, makes this point, “Young people need models, not critics.” Teens don’t need, “What’s wrong with young people today?” Instead, they need adults who model values, character, and wellness, and who are willing to get involved and be a positive influence.

And if you wonder if young people are really influenced by the important adults in their lives, here’s one last quote to remind us that whether they appear to be listening or not, they are paying attention. Author Robert Fulgrum reminds us, “Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.”

Who are the youth in your life, in your corner of the world that you have a chance to positively influence? Our youth need us as models, not critics, and they are always watching us, even when it may not appear that are not listening to us. So go ahead-be a hero and make a difference in some young person’s life today.

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How Do We Know When Morning Has Begun?

How Do We Know When Morning Has Begun?

This week marked the fiftieth anniversary of the assassination of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King. I was reminded of what a profound impact that event had on my then twelve-year-old self when I attended an interfaith gathering to honor Dr. King’s legacy this week. At the gathering, Rabbi Noah Chertkoff, Imam Yaseen Masjid Al-Rahman, and the Rev. Dr. John Walton took turns speaking of the need for each of us to continue the work of fighting against racism in all of its forms, work that was only just beginning when Dr. King’s life was tragically cut short.  Each of the speakers drew from the wisdom of their own faith tradition and each shared stories and ideas that were memorable.

I continue to think about the wisdom that each speaker shared, and there is one story, told by Rabbi Chertkoff, that has stayed with me and I would like to share it with you. In ancient days a rabbi gathered his students together just before dawn and asked them a question: “How does one know the exact moment when night has ended and morning has begun?” The first student replied, “When I can look out and see the point at where my farm field ends and my neighbor’s begins, that is when morning as begun.” A second student answered, “When I can look out and can make out the shape of my neighbor’s house from my own, that is when morning begins.” The rabbi smiled but shook his head indicating these answers were not correct.

The last student offered, “When I can look out in my field and can tell the difference between a horse and cow, then morning has arrived.” At this point, the rabbi spoke, “Each of you is mistaken because you have all focussed on division and how you know morning has come when you are able to divide and separate one thing from another. I am here to tell you that at the very moment when you can look at every man and woman regardless of their race, creed, or color and see them as your brother or sister—that is when the night has ended and morning has begun.”

What a beautiful old story and a reminder for all of us that focusing on what divides and separates us is not how new light comes into the world. It is instead when we can see that we are all brothers and sisters that a new day can be born. As we sat together this week honoring Dr. King, Christians, Jews, and Muslims, I had a glimpse of how the higher moral truths that he spoke of do indeed have the ability to unite us, offering genuine hope for a new morning.

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