Who Do We Appreciate?

Every one of us knows someone who could use a little extra love and appreciation right now. For that matter, there isn’t a person reading (or writing) this who probably wouldn’t mind a little extra love and appreciation as well. We are hard-wired for connection, and while the nature of that connection shifts throughout the life cycle it is not something we ever outgrow. To paraphrase the Mother Teresa quote above, we have a hunger for love and appreciation that is as strong, if not stronger, than our hunger for food. Just this morning an acquaintance of mine was sharing how whenever he posts something on Facebook he loves checking back throughout the day to see how many “likes” he gets for his post. He even confessed that he sometimes feels a bit embarrassed at how much the “likes” mean to him. When I shared with him my thoughts for this week’s column, he agreed with my thesis, saying appreciation was certainly very important for his well being and that the quote from Mother Teresa certainly rang true for him.

In preparation for this column, I have been doing a little experiment over the last few days that has demonstrated for me both the power and the simplicity of offering love and appreciation to others. I have been making an intentional effort to share words of kindness and appreciation with everyone I encounter—family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, clerks, baristas, and customer service representatives. What has this cost me? Nothing. What have the effects of this been? Amazing.

Each of us has the power to make someone’s day, by simply saying something as simple as, “I really appreciate all the little things you do. I apologize that sometimes take those things for granted, forgetting to let you know how grateful I am for what you do.”

The dictionary points out that appreciate has four separate, but related definitions, which all apply to what happens when we show someone how much we appreciate them.

Appreciate:

1. To be grateful or thankful for: they appreciated their thoughtfulness.
2. To value or regard highly: to appreciate a work of art.
3. To be fully conscious of; be aware of: to appreciate the hard work involved.
4. To raise in value: the property’s value is appreciating. 

As you have been reading this column, several people may have come to mind, people to whom you would like to offer more of your love and appreciation. If not, please stop now and create a list in your mind.

I would like to invite us all to add one other group of people to our lists. November 11 is Veterans Day and so it is a good time to stop and  show our appreciation to any of the twenty-million veterans in our county that we know personally. When we do this, we will help them see how thankful we are for their service and sacrifice, and that we do not take what they have done for granted.

I invite you also to try your own personal experiment of offering  thoughtful appreciation to the people you encounter throughout your day. See for yourself, what a difference it makes, both in their lives, and in yours.

Celebrating Resilience

The American Psychological Association defines resilience as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, loss, or significant sources of stress. These include family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors. It means ‘bouncing back’ from difficult and trying experiences. This definition of resilience, as you can see, has two components. First, it acknowledges the reality that life contains its share of trouble, “adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, loss, and significant sources of stress.” Secondly, life also contains hope. We find it in this definition as it talks about the capacity of the human spirit to “adapt well” and “bounce back.”

Most of us get daily reminders of the fact that life is hard and even tragic at times. If we are not currently experiencing adversity ourselves, the daily news cycle regularly reminds us of the “adversity, trauma, tragedy, and threats” that are occurring somewhere in our world each day. If you are like me, it is easy to get overwhelmed by all of the bad news.

This is why we also need regular reminders that it is not only adversity that happens, but that resilience happens too! Adversity often gets more attention because it happens suddenly and is easy to report and document. Resilience happens instead much more slowly, one day, one decision at a time, and often takes years to become visible—long after the news cycle has moved on to the next story. The slow nature of resilience, however, does not make it any less real or powerful than the suddenness of adversity. So it is good for our spirits to be reminded of stories of resilience whenever we can.

Speaking of stories of resilience, this is why I am celebrating the Houston Astros winning the World Series this week.  Just a few years ago the Astros experienced three consecutive seasons where they lost 100 games (out of a total of 162). This made them one of the worst teams in baseball at the time. Day by day though, over the last three to four years the team demonstrated what it means to “bounce back from difficult and trying experiences.” They worked hard in the front office, in the gyms and on the field. This theme of bouncing back is particularly appropriate for this team as their victory comes at a time when the city they represent is also working hard at coming back from the trauma caused by Hurricane Harvey. “Houston Strong” has become the city’s motto as it represents its resilient spirit, both as it applies to its recovery from the storm and the Astro’s climb out of the basement of the American League.

Baseball is of course just a game, an entertaining pastime for those of us who enjoy the sport. The Astro’s World Series victory doesn’t rebuild or repair the homes or the lives of people devastated by the hurricane. Hopefully, though, their victory does remind all of us that resilience happens and that it is every bit as real as adversity. I, for one, will always celebrate stories of resilience whenever they occur, whether in baseball, or in life.

A New Take on Trick or Treat

This upcoming week, in many parts of the Western World, people will be answering their doors to find children dressed as ghosts, goblins, superheroes, and other assorted characters. While the costumes will all be different, the greeting will be the same, no matter the language: "Trick or treat!" As I reflect on this Halloween greeting through the lens of wellness, I realize that these words also describe a fundamental choice in how a person approaches life. One can choose, for example, to view life as a wonderful gift, a "treat" for which to be grateful. Or, one can choose to view life with a negative "trick" mindset, best summed up in a bumper sticker I saw a while back: "Life sucks, and then you die."

Of course every life is filled with its share of blessings (treats) and difficulties (tricks). The balance of these two in each person's life is different, and not necessarily fair or even. What I am talking about though is not the particular good or bad fortune that a person is currently experiencing, but the fixed mindset they adopt.  Having either a "trick or treat" mindset is analogous to a "half full or half empty" perspective, and the lens we choose to view life through has a profound impact on our well-being.

"Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow," is a core tenet of our Living Compass wellness initiative. If we pay attention to the negative in a person or relationship for example, we will find that soon that is all we can see. If we pay attention to the positive however, we will begin to notice the good in them and our positive feelings toward the other person will grow.

The saying from Mahatma Ghandi at the top of this column captures the power of our thoughts. It helps us see how one's mindset shapes one's thoughts, words, and then the actions that eventually become our habits.

Trick or treat! May we have the good fortune of hearing a young ghost or goblin exclaim these words this week, and may we also be reminded of the power our choice of mindset has to affect our well-being.

The Burden of Untold Stories

“What I am about to tell you, I have never told anyone else before.” Over the last thirty-five years in my work as a psychotherapist I have heard those words more times than I can remember. Each time as I listen to the revelation that follows, I remember, once again, what a sacred honor and privilege it is to do such work. The revelations usually fall into one of two categories—something the person did, or something that was done to them.

It’s not that I ask people in my office to confide in me things they have never shared before with others. They do so simply because they want to free themselves of the burden of their secret. They already intrinsically know the wisdom taught through Alcoholics Anonymous, “We are only as  sick as our secrets.” This wisdom comes from millions of people in recovery who have previously gone to great lengths to keep their  addictive behaviors a secret from others. Many people in recovery  talk about how they eventually realized that they were also keeping a secret from themselves, as they pretended not to know the serious consequences of what they were doing. Our friends in AA have something to teach us. Keeping secrets is harmful to ourselves and to those around us. There is truly a burden in carrying an untold story within us, one that longs to be told.

Individuals are not the only ones who can keep secrets. Systems can as well. Systems can include families, churches, civic organizations, schools, companies and others, and they can easily look the other way when addictive or abusive behavior is occurring. As with an alcoholic, the temptation to minimize and deny what is happening can be strong. “It’s really not that big of a deal.” “Lots of people are doing it.” “It’s happening in lots of places, so it can’t be that bad.” “Oh, that’s just the way ‘so and so’ is and we have just learned to accept it.”

Abusive and addictive behaviors thrive best in a culture of secrecy. This is why truth-telling is so important, and why it is so important to support truth-tellers as they share their stories.

We don’t have to be a psychotherapist to have someone trust us with something they have never told anyone else before. People merely need places where they can feel deeply cared for and that they will be cared about and respected, no matter what. These kinds of trusting relationships create spaces for those around us, including those who are keeping something important inside, to share their truths, many for the first time. Such caring relationships are one of the greatest gifts any of us can both offer and receive.

This is how healing happens—for individuals and for systems, one truth-telling story, one revelation, one experience of being heard and respected, at a time.

The Power of Our Beliefs

Today is Friday the Thirteenth, a day that for centuries has been surrounded by irrational beliefs and superstitions. Here are a few I discovered when I looked into the history of this day: *If a funeral procession passes you by on this day, you will be the next person to die.

*If you cut your hair  on Friday the Thirteenth, you will experience bad luck.

*If you fly or set sail on a ship on this day, you are bound to have misfortune.

*Babies born on Friday the Thirteenth will have a life filled with bad luck.

*If you start a business on this day, it is destined to fail.

*The bad luck that can come from other superstitions, such as walking under a ladder, opening an umbrella indoors, and encountering a black cat, is magnified on Friday the 13th.

Fear of Friday the Thirteenth is known as paraskevidekatriaphobia, and according to the North Carolina Stress Management Center/Phobia Institute, millions of people experience mild to severe anxiety on this day. For most of us though, irrational beliefs surrounding this day are simply a harmless bit of fun and make for good humor amongst friends.

Turning now to wellness, the focus of this column, I want to share some thoughts about a different kind of irrational beliefs. These are the kind of irrational beliefs that I often hear about that are negatively affecting their I personal, relational, and/or spiritual wellness.

Here are some examples:

*Talking about conflict will only make things worse, so it's best to avoid ever bringing up issues that are difficult to talk about.

*If I let people know I am not perfect, they will see me as weak and unlovable.

*Everyone else’s life is perfect and much easier than mine.

*Avoiding  conversations about a conflict will make it go away.

*I am experiencing misfortune in my life right now because God is punishing me.

*I always have to handle things on my own.

*I can engage in high-risk behavior because the chances of the bad consequences of doing so only happen to other people, not me.

Any one of these beliefs can negatively affect a person’s wellness. I find that often such beliefs operate in the background of a person’s mind, just beneath their conscious awareness. Like a computer virus though, these beliefs are not immediately visible, yet they inevitably  compromise our functioning and well-being.

Friday the Thirteenth usually only occurs once or twice a year, and so even if we have irrational beliefs around this day, they are not likely to have too much of a real impact on our lives. If, however,  we hold on to the other kind of irrational beliefs listed above, we will find that they affect us each and every day, whether we are aware of it or not.

The best way to free ourselves of these limiting beliefs is to first become aware of them, and then find a trusted person—whether a friend or professional—and bring the beliefs out in to open, talking about and examining them.

So let’s have fun talking about some of the irrational beliefs around Friday the Thirteenth. Let’s also use this day as an occasion to become aware of any irrational beliefs that are negatively affecting our well-being. When we do this, my very rational belief, and my experience, both personally and professionally, tells me that when we are able to bring these irrational beliefs into the light of day, they begin to loosen their power to limit us any further.