Let's Talk

Since the release of her first book, Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other, Dr. Sherry Turkle, professor of the Social Studies of Science and Technology at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been described as the conscience of the digital/tech world.  Her new book, Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age, to be released next week, is already receiving a great deal of attention in large part due to an opinion essay written by Dr.Turkle and published by The New York Times this past week.  The essay based on her new book is entitled “Stop Googling.  Let’s Talk,” and it provides one particular insight that I would like to reflect upon in today’s column. We are all aware that the presence of cell phones can interfere with face to face conversations.  Most us have either been the person or have been talking with the person who picks up his or her cell phone in response to a text or email alert, right in the middle of a conversation.  We have all been in meetings, restaurants, or family gatherings where some people are paying more attention to what is happening on their phone screen than what is happening in the room.  Our cell phones and tablets give us the illusion that we can be two places at once, however the truth is that we end up not fully present in either place. Dr.Turkle highly recommends that cell phones and tablets be silenced and out of sight whenever we are engaging in face-to-face conversations, as they interfere with the relationship between the people involved. That did not surprise me.

What did surprise me though in the essay and what was a new insight for me is the idea that even the way we use technology when we are alone can have a negative impact on relationships. Being overly connected to our technology when we are alone can indirectly impair our ability to engage in meaningful fact to face conversations.  Her argument is this: A person who is bored when alone often turns to one of his or her “screens”— phone, tablet, computer, or television to interrupt the boredom.   Over time this conditions the brain to desire constant stimulation.  When this same person later finds him or herself in a face to face conversation, that person will, out of habit, turn to technology if they become bored, even when in the middle of a conversation.  When a conversation is perceived as not stimulating enough on its own, the temptation is then to pick up one’s phone, even in the midst of the conversation.  Interacting with technology can impact relationships in the moment and in the habits we develop over time.

Dr. Turkle’s point is that we are losing our capacity to be comfortable with solitude and quiet.  We are losing our capacity to be present to our own inner life.  We are also losing our ability to be present to the inner life of other people, even those with whom we are sitting face to face.

I know her insight to be true, as I see it in myself at times.  When I am disciplined about taking fifteen to twenty minutes each day to meditate and quietly self-reflect, I find that I am more present to others throughout the day.  When I don’t do this, when instead I am consistently wired and connected to my digital devices, it is just the opposite, and I am much less present to others, or to myself for that matter.

Dr. Turkle’s essay got my attention and as a result I have made a renewed commitment to reflect on my relationship with technology.  Not only will I focus on my use of technology when I am interacting with others, but also when I am alone.  I am grateful for her reminder for all of us, that spending more time alone, being more present to our own deeper thoughts and feelings is what also allows us to be more present to each other’s deeper thoughts and feelings as well.

The Wisdom of the Twelve Steps

 Most likely, everyone who reads this weekly column knows someone, whether they know it or not, who is in recovery from an alcohol or drug addiction. Some of you are in recovery yourselves and therefore know first hand the wisdom of the Twelve Steps, the core of many recovery programs. People who are not in recovery however, are often unaware of just how helpful the wisdom found in the Twelve Steps can be and how they can help anyone. In honor of September being National Recovery Month I will reflect on a few of the Twelve Steps and examine how each of them can help provide guidance for each of us as we strive to live lives of health and wellness.

     The first of the Twelve Steps is "We admit that we are powerless over alcohol-that our lives have become unmanageable." People with addictions are not the only people, however, who are capable of denying the obvious and who have parts of their lives that are unmanagable, even when it is obvious that something is having a negative effect on their lives. Organizations that continue "business as usual" when clearly the way they are doing things is no longer working are in denial that changes are necessary. Two people in a relationship who are suffering because of escalating conflict and yet are unwilling to face the conflict and make changes in their behavior are also in denial. The same is true when a person ignores warning signs that they have a health problem. All of these are examples of "an elephant in the room," something that everyone knows, but no one wants to talk about. Healing, recovery, and growth cannot begin until denial is broken through, and there is a willingness to acknowledge that life has "become unmanageable."

     "We have come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity," is step two of the Twelve Steps. Albert Einstein is known to have said, "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." A Higher Power is needed to expand our perspective and move us forward when we are stuck. A person in recovery may define that Higher Power as nature, love for another person, their "higher" self, or as God. If stuck in any type of ongoing negative pattern any of us has a better chance of changing when we tap into a higher level of consciousness as it gives us meaning, hope, and a broader perspective.

     Steps Five and Six of the Twelve Steps offer the wise advice that healing requires making a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves and then admitting our wrongdoings to ourselves, to others and to God. Taking an honest self-assessment can be both scary and yet, at the same time, very freeing. A wonderful thing happens when we acknowledge the hurts we have caused others and seek their forgiveness. It is freeing to acknowledge the ways we have hurt ourselves as well. When we admit our wrong doings to others, to ourselves, and to God the energy that has been tied up in regrets is then instead freed up to create a new and better future.

     There are countless books written about the wisdom of the Twelve Steps. If this has peaked your interest, I suggest you find such a book (One of my favorites is Breathing Under Water by Richard Rohr) and do some further study of these potentially life changing steps.

     My space is limited here so I've settled for sharing only four of the twelve steps with you. Although I have shared only these four steps any one in recovery can tell you that really living into these or any of the steps can take months or years to address fully. The same will be true of the rest of us as well, as this model of self-reflection is ongoing for all of us.

     I will conclude by sharing all of the Twelve Steps with you, and by giving thanks for the wisdom that people in recovery model for us  each and every day, one day at a time.

It Only Takes A Spark

Last month my wife, Holly, and I spent a week's vacation canoeing and camping in Quetico Provincial Park in northwest Ontario.  Quetico encompasses two million acres of wilderness with six hundred lakes which only can be accessed by canoe.  The park is so remote that one can still safely drink the water right out of the lakes without even filtering or boiling it.  While the water is safe, there are, however, other dangers that campers are warned about. One of the the most dangerous threats that humans face in any wilderness, as is evident with what is going on out west right now, is the potential of starting a devastating forest fire.  For this reason, before entering Quetico Park each person receives an education on fire prevention.  Thus, on our trip this year, each time we lit a fire to either cook a meal or to light a camp fire, we remembered what we had learned and were extra careful to make sure no sparks or embers escaped to create a potential hazard.

I was reminded of all this last week when I read a passage from the letter of James, one of the books in the Bible's New Testament written almost two thousand years ago. James uses the image of fire to make a point about the power of words and the powerful impact we have on one another, simply through the words that we speak.  "How great a forest is set ablaze by a small fire! And the tongue is a fire...From the same mouth can come blessing and cursing."  (James 3:5-6,10).

How true it is that the words we speak to one another can provide blessing and nourishment to others, just as a small fire in the wilderness can help cook food for nourishment or provide warmth and comfort on a cool evening.  James also reminds us though, that the words we speak to one another can just as easily destroy and harm. And like a human caused forest fire it does not matter if the hurtful words we use are used on purpose or are used by carelessness and neglect, they are still destructive either way

Earlier this week I had an experience that reminded me of the power of the words we speak to one another.   I ran into a dentist friend of mine this week who retired about a year ago after fifty years of practice.  When we talked I asked him how his retirement was going and what it had been like to say goodbye to his long term patients.  He shared a story of an eighty year old patient who he had treated for many years.  At her last visit with him she took a few minutes to thank him for his years of care.  She thanked him for his caring service, honesty, and integrity and told him he was by far the best dentist she had ever had.

As my friend told me this story his face was beaming and he added that these words from this woman meant more to him than any amount of money he had ever made as a dentist.  Clearly this eighty year old woman's words sparked a fire of gratitude and appreciation, a fire that was still burning brightly in my friend a year later.

What  types of fires are you lighting with your words?  Are you lighting fires that cause harm and destruction, or fires that provide nourishment and warmth?  Are your words creating a blessing or a curse?  Our words are powerful and we have the power to choose the words we use and the impact we have on others. With the reminder of my friend's eighty year old former patient, I know I am going to make a renewed effort to speak words of kindness and affirmation to my family, friends, and colleagues, and heck, even to my dentist!

Feeling, Talking, and Trusting

Today is the fourteenth anniversary of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, something our country will never forget.  I'm imagining that you may have had an experience similar to one I have had several times this week, that of finding yourself in a group of people, sharing where each person was and what they were doing on that fateful morning.  The trauma caused by what happened fourteen years ago still affects us.  Those who lost loved ones that day or those that were close to the trauma are of course most affected, but to some degree all of us still affected which is why we find ourselves still talking about it. Anyone who has experienced trauma of any kind knows that healing always takes longer than expected.  Those who have experienced trauma also know that when the anniversary of the trauma comes around, even fourteen years later, the waves of fear, anxiety, helplessness, and sadness will often return.  This is not a bad thing, as it can provide an ideal time to talk again about the trauma, and talking about it  is an important key to healing.

As a pastor and psychotherapist I have had the opportunity to work with many victims of trauma through the years.  They have taught me that there are three essential tasks that promote healing from any kind of trauma or loss, one of which I have already mentioned.  The three essential tasks are: feeling, talking, and trusting.  If you are striving to recover from any type of trauma, this is what you will want to do repeatedly, and if you are helping a friend or family member recover from trauma, you will serve them well by creating a safe space for them to feel, talk, and trust.

The feelings following trauma are overwhelming at first.  They can come like waves that feel as though they are threatening to drown the person who has experienced the trauma.  The key to working through these intense feeling and to beginning the process of healing is to simply accept the feelings and let them flow.  If the feelings are blocked the healing is blocked.  Feelings are never right or wrong, they just are and they need to be expressed.

The next task involved in healing from trauma or loss is talking with others about what one has experienced.  There are really only two choices here-we can either talk things out or we can act them out.  If we don't talk things out, we will likely act them out by being irritable, violent, withdrawing or possibly turning to alcohol and other drugs.  It may be helpful to remember that beneath much of the negative acting out behavior we see in the world is trauma or loss that has not been healed.

Feeling and talking are made possible when we have people in our lives that we can trust.  We need to seek these people out if we are in recovery from trauma and avoid isolating from others-a common temptation when we are hurting.  Finding a trusted person who will simply listen is key to healing any kind of trauma.

When I work with people who are recovering from trauma my task is simply to create a trusting space where they can feel and talk for as long and as often as they need to.  You can create safe places for others as well by being available as an attentive listener for those around you who are hurting. Listening and not judging are key.

Most of us know someone, maybe even ourselves, who has experienced some kind of traumatic loss.  What would it take for us to help create places of trust for all of us to feel and talk?  For those of us who are involved in faith communities, schools, community programs, etc. what would it take for us to create more places of trust, places where people who have experienced trauma could openly feel and talk things out, rather than acting them out?

The waves of fear and sadness related to September 11, 2001 are diminished for most people, simply because time has passed.  There is a saying that "time heals all wounds." By itself this saying is incomplete, though.  Healing does take time, but time alone does not heal all wounds.  What does heal all wounds is feeling, talking, and trusting--again, and again.

Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less

If you are a working person and are fortunate enough to have this Labor Day weekend off, you will probably enjoy the experience of doing less this three day weekend.  No doubt it is wonderful to do less over a long weekend, but the author of a new book says that real joy and real productivity is found by learning to do less on a daily, long-term basis. Greg McKeown, the author of Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less has written a thoughtful book for busy people.  The following questions from a promotional web page for this book, reveal the audience this book is written for.

Have you ever found yourself stretched too thin?

Do you simultaneously feel overworked and underutilized?

Are you often busy but not productive?

Do you feel like your time is constantly being hijacked by other people’s agendas?

This is not another book about organizing our time, our money, or our stuff.  It is instead a book about organizing our priorities, about deciding what in our life is essential.  According to McKewon, organizing our priorities requires us to focus our energy on determining what is most essential to us and doing only those things.  The following two lines from the book help make this point.

“Essentialism is not about how to get more things done; it’s about how to get the right things done.”

“Instead of making choices reactively, the Essentialist deliberately distinguishes the vital few from the trivial many, eliminates the nonessentials, and then removes obstacles so the essential things have clear, smooth passage. “

I don't know about you, but I am prone to saying “yes” to too many activities, making commitments and then finding it hard to do all of them well.  I have had a habit of doing this in both my professional and personal life and so this book really spoke to me.  Since reading this book six months ago I am delighted to report that I have been practicing essentialism and am getting much better at saying “yes” to the things that matter most in my life. I am also finding that I have renewed energy and am more fully present for the things I do commit to do.

McKeown does not talk directly about spirituality in his book “Essentialism” and yet I found this book to be spiritual through and through.  Clarifying one’s most important values and priorities and then developing a disciplined set of life habits that reflect those most essential values and priorities is at the core of what it means to live a spiritual life.

Of course, the easiest part of reading any self-help book is just that, reading it.  The hard part always lies in the disciplined application of the important truths that the book contains.  I do appreciate the fact that the subtitle of McKeown’s book is “The Disciplined Pursuit of Less.”  He is well aware that reading his book will make little difference if it does not lead to disciplined action by its readers.

If your Labor Day weekend plans include plenty of time to rest, you will be happy to know that McKewon has a chapter in his book as well about the essential nature of rest.  And if your weekend plans include reading, I highly recommend this book.