The Wisdom of the Twelve Steps

 Most likely, everyone who reads this weekly column knows someone, whether they know it or not, who is in recovery from an alcohol or drug addiction. Some of you are in recovery yourselves and therefore know first hand the wisdom of the Twelve Steps, the core of many recovery programs. People who are not in recovery however, are often unaware of just how helpful the wisdom found in the Twelve Steps can be and how they can help anyone. In honor of September being National Recovery Month I will reflect on a few of the Twelve Steps and examine how each of them can help provide guidance for each of us as we strive to live lives of health and wellness.

     The first of the Twelve Steps is "We admit that we are powerless over alcohol-that our lives have become unmanageable." People with addictions are not the only people, however, who are capable of denying the obvious and who have parts of their lives that are unmanagable, even when it is obvious that something is having a negative effect on their lives. Organizations that continue "business as usual" when clearly the way they are doing things is no longer working are in denial that changes are necessary. Two people in a relationship who are suffering because of escalating conflict and yet are unwilling to face the conflict and make changes in their behavior are also in denial. The same is true when a person ignores warning signs that they have a health problem. All of these are examples of "an elephant in the room," something that everyone knows, but no one wants to talk about. Healing, recovery, and growth cannot begin until denial is broken through, and there is a willingness to acknowledge that life has "become unmanageable."

     "We have come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity," is step two of the Twelve Steps. Albert Einstein is known to have said, "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." A Higher Power is needed to expand our perspective and move us forward when we are stuck. A person in recovery may define that Higher Power as nature, love for another person, their "higher" self, or as God. If stuck in any type of ongoing negative pattern any of us has a better chance of changing when we tap into a higher level of consciousness as it gives us meaning, hope, and a broader perspective.

     Steps Five and Six of the Twelve Steps offer the wise advice that healing requires making a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves and then admitting our wrongdoings to ourselves, to others and to God. Taking an honest self-assessment can be both scary and yet, at the same time, very freeing. A wonderful thing happens when we acknowledge the hurts we have caused others and seek their forgiveness. It is freeing to acknowledge the ways we have hurt ourselves as well. When we admit our wrong doings to others, to ourselves, and to God the energy that has been tied up in regrets is then instead freed up to create a new and better future.

     There are countless books written about the wisdom of the Twelve Steps. If this has peaked your interest, I suggest you find such a book (One of my favorites is Breathing Under Water by Richard Rohr) and do some further study of these potentially life changing steps.

     My space is limited here so I've settled for sharing only four of the twelve steps with you. Although I have shared only these four steps any one in recovery can tell you that really living into these or any of the steps can take months or years to address fully. The same will be true of the rest of us as well, as this model of self-reflection is ongoing for all of us.

     I will conclude by sharing all of the Twelve Steps with you, and by giving thanks for the wisdom that people in recovery model for us  each and every day, one day at a time.

It Only Takes A Spark

Last month my wife, Holly, and I spent a week's vacation canoeing and camping in Quetico Provincial Park in northwest Ontario.  Quetico encompasses two million acres of wilderness with six hundred lakes which only can be accessed by canoe.  The park is so remote that one can still safely drink the water right out of the lakes without even filtering or boiling it.  While the water is safe, there are, however, other dangers that campers are warned about. One of the the most dangerous threats that humans face in any wilderness, as is evident with what is going on out west right now, is the potential of starting a devastating forest fire.  For this reason, before entering Quetico Park each person receives an education on fire prevention.  Thus, on our trip this year, each time we lit a fire to either cook a meal or to light a camp fire, we remembered what we had learned and were extra careful to make sure no sparks or embers escaped to create a potential hazard.

I was reminded of all this last week when I read a passage from the letter of James, one of the books in the Bible's New Testament written almost two thousand years ago. James uses the image of fire to make a point about the power of words and the powerful impact we have on one another, simply through the words that we speak.  "How great a forest is set ablaze by a small fire! And the tongue is a fire...From the same mouth can come blessing and cursing."  (James 3:5-6,10).

How true it is that the words we speak to one another can provide blessing and nourishment to others, just as a small fire in the wilderness can help cook food for nourishment or provide warmth and comfort on a cool evening.  James also reminds us though, that the words we speak to one another can just as easily destroy and harm. And like a human caused forest fire it does not matter if the hurtful words we use are used on purpose or are used by carelessness and neglect, they are still destructive either way

Earlier this week I had an experience that reminded me of the power of the words we speak to one another.   I ran into a dentist friend of mine this week who retired about a year ago after fifty years of practice.  When we talked I asked him how his retirement was going and what it had been like to say goodbye to his long term patients.  He shared a story of an eighty year old patient who he had treated for many years.  At her last visit with him she took a few minutes to thank him for his years of care.  She thanked him for his caring service, honesty, and integrity and told him he was by far the best dentist she had ever had.

As my friend told me this story his face was beaming and he added that these words from this woman meant more to him than any amount of money he had ever made as a dentist.  Clearly this eighty year old woman's words sparked a fire of gratitude and appreciation, a fire that was still burning brightly in my friend a year later.

What  types of fires are you lighting with your words?  Are you lighting fires that cause harm and destruction, or fires that provide nourishment and warmth?  Are your words creating a blessing or a curse?  Our words are powerful and we have the power to choose the words we use and the impact we have on others. With the reminder of my friend's eighty year old former patient, I know I am going to make a renewed effort to speak words of kindness and affirmation to my family, friends, and colleagues, and heck, even to my dentist!

Feeling, Talking, and Trusting

Today is the fourteenth anniversary of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, something our country will never forget.  I'm imagining that you may have had an experience similar to one I have had several times this week, that of finding yourself in a group of people, sharing where each person was and what they were doing on that fateful morning.  The trauma caused by what happened fourteen years ago still affects us.  Those who lost loved ones that day or those that were close to the trauma are of course most affected, but to some degree all of us still affected which is why we find ourselves still talking about it. Anyone who has experienced trauma of any kind knows that healing always takes longer than expected.  Those who have experienced trauma also know that when the anniversary of the trauma comes around, even fourteen years later, the waves of fear, anxiety, helplessness, and sadness will often return.  This is not a bad thing, as it can provide an ideal time to talk again about the trauma, and talking about it  is an important key to healing.

As a pastor and psychotherapist I have had the opportunity to work with many victims of trauma through the years.  They have taught me that there are three essential tasks that promote healing from any kind of trauma or loss, one of which I have already mentioned.  The three essential tasks are: feeling, talking, and trusting.  If you are striving to recover from any type of trauma, this is what you will want to do repeatedly, and if you are helping a friend or family member recover from trauma, you will serve them well by creating a safe space for them to feel, talk, and trust.

The feelings following trauma are overwhelming at first.  They can come like waves that feel as though they are threatening to drown the person who has experienced the trauma.  The key to working through these intense feeling and to beginning the process of healing is to simply accept the feelings and let them flow.  If the feelings are blocked the healing is blocked.  Feelings are never right or wrong, they just are and they need to be expressed.

The next task involved in healing from trauma or loss is talking with others about what one has experienced.  There are really only two choices here-we can either talk things out or we can act them out.  If we don't talk things out, we will likely act them out by being irritable, violent, withdrawing or possibly turning to alcohol and other drugs.  It may be helpful to remember that beneath much of the negative acting out behavior we see in the world is trauma or loss that has not been healed.

Feeling and talking are made possible when we have people in our lives that we can trust.  We need to seek these people out if we are in recovery from trauma and avoid isolating from others-a common temptation when we are hurting.  Finding a trusted person who will simply listen is key to healing any kind of trauma.

When I work with people who are recovering from trauma my task is simply to create a trusting space where they can feel and talk for as long and as often as they need to.  You can create safe places for others as well by being available as an attentive listener for those around you who are hurting. Listening and not judging are key.

Most of us know someone, maybe even ourselves, who has experienced some kind of traumatic loss.  What would it take for us to help create places of trust for all of us to feel and talk?  For those of us who are involved in faith communities, schools, community programs, etc. what would it take for us to create more places of trust, places where people who have experienced trauma could openly feel and talk things out, rather than acting them out?

The waves of fear and sadness related to September 11, 2001 are diminished for most people, simply because time has passed.  There is a saying that "time heals all wounds." By itself this saying is incomplete, though.  Healing does take time, but time alone does not heal all wounds.  What does heal all wounds is feeling, talking, and trusting--again, and again.

Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less

If you are a working person and are fortunate enough to have this Labor Day weekend off, you will probably enjoy the experience of doing less this three day weekend.  No doubt it is wonderful to do less over a long weekend, but the author of a new book says that real joy and real productivity is found by learning to do less on a daily, long-term basis. Greg McKeown, the author of Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less has written a thoughtful book for busy people.  The following questions from a promotional web page for this book, reveal the audience this book is written for.

Have you ever found yourself stretched too thin?

Do you simultaneously feel overworked and underutilized?

Are you often busy but not productive?

Do you feel like your time is constantly being hijacked by other people’s agendas?

This is not another book about organizing our time, our money, or our stuff.  It is instead a book about organizing our priorities, about deciding what in our life is essential.  According to McKewon, organizing our priorities requires us to focus our energy on determining what is most essential to us and doing only those things.  The following two lines from the book help make this point.

“Essentialism is not about how to get more things done; it’s about how to get the right things done.”

“Instead of making choices reactively, the Essentialist deliberately distinguishes the vital few from the trivial many, eliminates the nonessentials, and then removes obstacles so the essential things have clear, smooth passage. “

I don't know about you, but I am prone to saying “yes” to too many activities, making commitments and then finding it hard to do all of them well.  I have had a habit of doing this in both my professional and personal life and so this book really spoke to me.  Since reading this book six months ago I am delighted to report that I have been practicing essentialism and am getting much better at saying “yes” to the things that matter most in my life. I am also finding that I have renewed energy and am more fully present for the things I do commit to do.

McKeown does not talk directly about spirituality in his book “Essentialism” and yet I found this book to be spiritual through and through.  Clarifying one’s most important values and priorities and then developing a disciplined set of life habits that reflect those most essential values and priorities is at the core of what it means to live a spiritual life.

Of course, the easiest part of reading any self-help book is just that, reading it.  The hard part always lies in the disciplined application of the important truths that the book contains.  I do appreciate the fact that the subtitle of McKeown’s book is “The Disciplined Pursuit of Less.”  He is well aware that reading his book will make little difference if it does not lead to disciplined action by its readers.

If your Labor Day weekend plans include plenty of time to rest, you will be happy to know that McKewon has a chapter in his book as well about the essential nature of rest.  And if your weekend plans include reading, I highly recommend this book.

Teaching With Our Actions

Last week I repeated a column from a few years ago that asked we adults to reflect on the question that many young people are asking now as they return to school,  "Who is your teacher?"  As I reflect on this question for myself, I am aware that one of my teachers is a former United States President, Jimmy Carter.  For the last several decades he has continued to teach me a great deal about love, service, and the capacity to transcend political ideology in the service of a higher purpose. Two weeks ago Jimmy Carter announced that he has been diagnosed with liver cancer, and that it has spread to four spots in his brain.  So what did this former President and Nobel Peace Prize winner do the Sunday following his announcement?  He did what he does most every Sunday, he taught Sunday school at his church, Maranatha Baptist Church in Plains, Georgia.  In fact, this was the 689th time he has taught Sunday school at his church. This time though he did something he had never done before. This past Sunday because there were more than 800 people lined up for his Sunday School class, more than he could accommodate in his regular class, he agreed to teach a second class later in the morning at the local high school.  And the topic for this past Sunday's double-header Sunday School class?  Former President Carter taught his 800 students about "loving your neighbor as you love yourself" while his wife of 69 years, Rosalynn looked on with pride.

I don't know the specifics of what Jimmy Carter taught about loving your neighbor last week, but I think I have a pretty good idea of what he might have said because I have been watching how he has lived his life for so many years.  I don't need to know the specifics because the former President has modeled loving his neighbors through his life of service, his thirty years of volunteer work with Habitat for Humanity, and his founding of the Carter Center, a non-profit whose goal is to wage peace, fight disease and build hope throughout the world.  The teachers that I admire most, the ones that have taught me the most about life, teach with their actions and by how they live their lives, as much as what they say or teach with their words.

Some things transcend political divides.  Things like love, coping with a serious health diagnosis, and facing death with dignity and grace.  These are things we all need to learn how to do and we are wise to seek out teachers who can teach us through their words and deeds, teaching us to live our lives in ways that model dignity and grace.

I am blessed to have many teachers from whom I continue to learn these important life lessons. A few are well known like Jimmy Carter, but most are people I am simply blessed to know as family or friends. I am grateful for all the teachers in my life, but this week I am especially grateful for a man of deep faith from a little town in Georgia.

Now I  ask each of us, in honor of our teachers, to reflect upon these questions.  Who are your teachers, and perhaps just as important, who are you teaching? Who might be looking to you to teach them important lessons about life or love? Who might be watching how you live?