A Safe Place to Learn and Grow

I start this week with an invitation to you to play a quick round of Jeopardy, I will share several "answers" and see if you can come up with the correct question. This version of Jeopardy is slightly different than the TV version in that all of these answers are answers to just one question. Here are the answers-now see if you can come up with the question that goes with all of these answers.

• A place where some 82,000 Native American youth in 25 states can go for youth development programs.
• An organization with locations in over 1,500 schools, where youth can stay and attend after school program during the school year and benefit from programming over the summer as well.
• An organization that impacts over 4 million children and teens every year in 4,100 different locations throughout the US. A place where children of American military personnel on over 400 military bases can gather for care, and support while their parents serve their country.
• An organization with locations in over 300 public housing locations, engaging and guiding children and teens right in their neighborhoods.
• An organization that counts as some of its alumni people like Denzel Washington, Jennifer Lopez, Earvin "Magic" Johnson, General Wesley Clark, Martin Sheen, Usher, Ashanti, Shaun White, Shaquille O'Neal, and Jim Collins (a keynote speaker at this year's conference).
• An organization whose purpose is to provide "a safe place to learn and grow--all while having fun," for all of it's children.
• The logo for this organization appears at the top of the column.

And the question is..."What is the Boys & Girls Clubs of America?"

Excuse me if I'm a little excited about this organization, but my wife, Holly, and I have just spent two days at the Boys & Girls Clubs of America (BGCA) National Conference in Chicago and we are inspired! 2,500 leaders in BGCA clubs from all fifty states came together for two days of workshops on leadership and program development. A primary focus this year was how to best serve teens in our communities.

Holly and I had the joy of speaking with hundreds of BGCA staff, board members, and volunteers who have dedicated themselves to giving children and youth "a safe place to learn and grow," many for several decades. Living Compass is honored to be working with the Boys & Girls Club of Milwaukee, WI as they are using our Living Compass Wellness Program for Teens to support their work in helping kids make good choices and building strong character. They suggested we attend this conference so we could connect with other clubs around the country who are also working to help youth navigate their way to a better future.

One of the things I learned at the conference this week and that was most inspiring is that the BGCA has set a goal of getting the youth it serves to provide a total of 1 million hours of community service nation wide annually. I had thought that the BGCA solely provided community service to those it serves. In reality, the BGCA is asking the youth it serves to turn around and offer 1 million hours of community service to others. This service might include writing letters to troops serving far away, organizing a food or coat drive, distributing flyers for a community non-profit, or volunteering at an animal shelter. The Boys and Girls Club knows, and research shows, that community service is the ideal "curriculum" for character development and that youth involved in community service are more likely to graduate from high school and are more likely to avoid risk-taking behavior.

Now that is a wellness lesson for all of us, youth and adults alike. Community service truly is an ideal curriculum for character development. When we make time to serve others, when we give of our time, energy, and financial resources to make a difference in our communities, it makes a positive difference in our own emotional and spiritual wellness, as well.

The Boys and Girls Club of America knows that community service helps to create "safe places to learn and grow." Connecting with a BGCA in your community is just one way to be involved in community service, there are obviously countless others. What is one way you, with your unique gifts and talents, you can give back to your community?

It may not be in a Boys and Girls Club but, if you are looking for a way to make a difference in your community, or if you are just looking to be inspired to make a difference in your community, I highly recommend a visit to your local Boys & Girls Club. If your experience is anything like ours this week, you will surely be inspired to do more to serve and make a positive difference in your community.

Thank you Boys and Girls Club for the inspiration!

Momisms: Wisdom To Live By, Then and Now

It's time for Living Compass' annual Mother's Day column where we reflect on "Momisms," the classic things moms and the other nurturing women in our lives often say, and how these "Momisms" often contain profound wellness principles. These wellness principles are as true for us today as they were when we were children. So here, in no particular order, are a few of classic "Momisms" with a brief reflection on how each these says still provide great wisdom for us years later. "I don't care what everybody else is doing, you are not everybody else!"

The wisdom embedded in this comment is as true for adults as it is for children. Comparing ourselves to others, wanting to be like others or wanting what others have can be a source of great anxiety and worry. The second half of this "Momism," "you are not everybody else" is a reminder that we are each an experiment of one, each traveling our own unique journey in life.

When I am coaching people regarding wellness habits and goals, it is common for them to say something like, "I know I should do such and such...." Most often this comes from a sense that they should be doing what they see others doing. If their friends are doing hot yoga or keeping a gratitude journal then they think they should do those things as well.

Trying to live a certain way or making a certain change because we think we should, or because everybody else is doing it, is rarely effective. What is effective is listening to our inner wisdom and discovering what our own inner longings are for enhancing our life and pursuing those longings, whether or not "everybody else" is doing it or thinks it is a good idea.

"I don't care who started it ..."

The wisdom here is that a lot of time and energy is often wasted in trying to figure out "who started it." Who amongst us hasn't spent more time arguing with someone about who started a problem than we have spent resolving the problem?

Focusing on "who started it" is one way of playing the "blame game" and when we are caught up in doing that, we are communicating that we believe that we have little or no responsibility for the problem at hand. This is rarely true as in every problem between people, each person plays some part in creating the tension. It is not as important to figure out who started a problem at work or at home as it is to be part of the solution, and that is surely a more productive way to spend our time and energy.

"Don't keep making that face, or one of these days it will freeze that way!"

This exaggeration contains some great wellness wisdom. The behaviors we choose over time become habits, and habits always create consequences. If I regularly am in a hurry, for instance, and don't have time for friends or family, I may become frozen in that habit. This will inevitably impact my relationships, I may even become seen as a person who is rude or unkind. No one wants a bad frozen face, so as Moms say, try not to make a bad face in the first place.

"Be sure to wash behind your ears, because when people are sitting behind you they will notice if there is dirt back there."

We are sometimes unaware of how others see us because it is hard for us to see "dirt behind our own ears." It is easy to have an idealized image of ourselves, forgetting that we all have a little "dirt" behind our ears. I have found that it is not uncommon for someone to seek help because someone else has a problem, not recognizing his or her own contribution to the problem. Others come because someone near them has asked them to do so, they have seen the "dirt" and the person now wants to clean things up. We are often the last ones to be aware of what others are seeing and how we are affecting others with our behaviors.

"Please call me when you get there so I know you arrived safely."

Although when we were children we probably rolled our eyes and thought our Mom's were annoying and/or controlling, this sweet request is an expression of love and concern. The wellness principle here is that it makes a positive difference when we look out for one another. Wellness is rooted in our connections with others. Stay connected and let others know where you are, literally and figuratively.

So in honor of Mother's Day may we all pause and give thanks for all the mothers and other nurturing women in our lives who have taught us these and other important lessons about wellness.

The Best Time to Start a Conversation

Whenever I begin a process of counseling with a person, couple, or family they almost always say something like this in the first meeting, "I/we should have started this conversation years ago. I/we have known 'this" was a problem for a long time and guess I/we somehow believed that if ignored, it would simply go away or get better on it's own." The "this" they are referring to is whatever issue it is that has brought them to counseling. The "this" of course varies, but could include issues such as a growing tension or distance in a relationship, unhappiness at work, concern about a drinking problem, concern about issues related to sleep or eating, worry about a child, a health or financial concern that has been ignored, or sometimes a growing spiritual crisis. I am reminded of the proverb that states, "The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago; the second best time is today." It also seems to be true that the best time for any of us to have begun a difficult conversation is several months or several years ago, at the moment when we first became aware of a difficulty that needed to be talked about. The second best time to begin that difficult conversation is today.

An excuse I often hear for avoiding a difficult conversation, and one I have heard myself say many times, is some version of, "I just don't want to rock the boat." The interesting thing about this desire of not wanting to rock the boat, is the fact that it is almost always said at a time when, in fact, the boat is clearly already rocking. "I would prefer not to acknowledge how significantly the boat is rocking," is probably a more accurate statement of what the person, couple or family is thinking and feeling, than simply "I don't want to rock the boat."

No matter what excuse we may find ourselves using to avoid difficult conversations, the results are usually the same. The original concern or problem grows and having the conversation we need to have becomes even more difficult. Quite often then, the original concern grows into a crisis in our lives, families, workplaces, congregations, or our communities, and it is that crisis that requires us to finally have the difficult conversation we have been avoiding. One only needs to think of what has been happening in Baltimore as a recent example.

Why do we avoid difficult conversations? There are no doubt many reasons, but I believe one primary reason is because there is great vulnerability in having these conversations. As long as I, or any of us, avoid a conversation we can be sure that we are right and can brew resentments, believing that the other person is clearly at fault and needs to change. Choosing to have a hard conversation means that we will most likely find out that the other person, of course, has a considerably different perspective on the issue and that they believe that we have some important changes that we need to make.

Significant growth and significant change requires significant risk and vulnerability from all parties involved. When we are willing to have difficult conversations though, real change, or conversion, can occur. The word "conversion" comes from the same root as the word "conversation," a good reminder that authentic conversations have the capacity to change all parties involved.

Is there a conversation that you want to start right now, but perhaps are finding it difficult to do so? Maybe you wished you had started this conversation three months or three years ago. You can't change the past, though, and so there is not much use in second guessing why you didn't start the conversation sooner. Instead, remember that you can change the present and the future, by starting that conversation today.

This Fragile Earth, Our Island Home

In honor of the celebration of Earth Day this week, let's start with two questions.      Do you have a sacred place in nature where you love to visit, a place where you feel a deep spiritual connection with life?

     Do you have a special outdoor activity that you love to do that energizes your soul?

For many people such places and activities are connected to a favorite mountain or seashore, a special lake or river, a beloved forest, park, farm, garden, or even a treasured backyard. These places can be anywhere that one finds a connection with creation.

I have many special places that connect me with the sacredness of creation. One of my favorite such places in the world is Quetico Provincial Park in northwestern Ontario, Canada. Quetico is a protected park that can only be accessed by canoe by those granted a permit to do so. Permits are limited in order to preserve this pristine wilderness, a wilderness containing hundreds of lakes, rivers, and streams. The park is so pristine and remote that visitors are able to drink the clear flowing water right out of the lakes without filtering or boiling it first.

It dawned on me on a trip to Quetico many years ago that my family and I were only able to enjoy the sacred gift of this park because others before us had made the intentional decision to preserve this wilderness area. You and I do not have the power to create the beauty of the wilderness. It is a gift from the Creator. And while we do not have the power to create the beauty of the wilderness, we do have the power to protect and preserve it, and to be stewards of its sacredness. As you reflected upon the questions I began with and thought of places in nature that are special to you, I wonder if there were people before you who worked to protect those places to keep them wild and sacred.

What is true about nature is true about all that is sacred in life. The sacred is all around us--in nature, in the community of our neighbors, and in the love of friends and family. We don't create the presence of the sacred, but we are called to be protectors and stewards of all that is sacred in life, in nature, in all of the communities in our lives, and in all of our relationships.

In the Episcopal Church's Book of Common Prayer, there is a wonderful prayer that speaks of "this fragile earth, our island home." This phrase describes how the earth, and in fact all that is sacred in life, is indeed fragile. It is our calling to respect and protect our earth, as well as to protect all other people and things that are sacred and fragile as well.

It is said that the true character of a society can be measured by the way it treats its children, its elderly, and those who are most fragile. I would add how we treat the earth to this list, as well. In honor of Earth Day, I invite us all to recommit to preserving all that is sacred in our lives, including the sacred we find in nature as well as all that is sacred and fragile in the people and relationships in our lives that are most in need of our love and care.

Your Moral Bucket List

I have never really had an official bucket list, but am always intrigued to hear what others have on their lists. Typical items on such lists include going bungee jumping, rafting through the Grand Canyon, flying in a helicopter, learning and performing live comedy, writing a memoir, going on a medical mission trip, running a marathon, going on an extended silent retreat, and buying a motorcycle. The closest thing I have to a bucket list item is a desire to ride my bicycle across the United States. (Let me know if you would like to join me--maybe next summer?) This past week I read a column by David Brooks, a writer for the New York Times, that put a unique spin on the concept of the bucket list. The title of the Brooks column I am referring to is, "The Moral Bucket List." If you have not already read this inspiring column, I highly recommend doing so. (You can find the column easily with a search engine.) Because Brooks raises so many important ideas, the rest of my column for this week will highlight a few of Brooks' salient points regarding the virtues that he believes people with high moral character work to possess.

Brooks begins the column by reporting that he notices that some people he meets radiate an inner light. He finds these people remarkable in their vitality, their sense of humor, their deep desire to do good in the world, and their desire to care for others--all without any need to call attention to themselves. Brooks finds himself wondering how these people came to develop a bright inner light. He concludes that just as any other trait, skill, or attribute can be developed with practice over time, becoming a person who radiates an inner light is also something that can be developed with practice. Brooks describes a set of practices and experiences--what he calls the equivalent of a moral bucket list--that he believes are common to those who radiate a deep peace and joy in life.

One of the best parts of Brooks' column, in my opinion, is the distinction he makes between "résumé virtues" and "eulogy virtues." Résumé virtues are those traits and skills that will get a person ahead in the world and in the work place. Our culture highly values the development of such virtues. Eulogy virtues "are the ones that are talked about at your funeral--whether you were kind, brave, honest or faithful. Were you capable of deep love?" In my experience, these eulogy virtues require us to make conscious and intentional choices over an extended period of time if they are to be developed. They often require a person to travel a road less traveled in the process, a road that will not readily be acclaimed by our surrounding culture. Brooks reflects on several practices that he believes are essential in developing moral character, practices which he believes are the source of the inner light he is drawn to in others. His list includes:

• Practicing profound humility
• Wrestling with one's inner weaknesses
• Being deeply rooted in connection and community with others
• Sharing energizing love, the kind of love that radically de-centers the self
• Finding one's deeper call, one's true vocation and purpose in life
• Taking a leap past one's greatest fears

Brooks refers to this list as a moral bucket list. While the specific details will be different for each of us, this map for developing moral character can be used by any of us at anytime.

The term "bucket list" of course refers to a list of things a person wants to do before he or she passes away, before a person "kick's the bucket." The things that Brooks is talking about though are not just things to do before you die, or things to do to make it easier for the person who will write your eulogy some day. Brooks is describing a set of practices, a set of habits, which will create an abundant life right now, a life characterized by spiritual and emotional depth in one's own life and in one's relationships. Such a life is quite noticeable by the light that it radiates, a light that others cannot help but notice and appreciate.