How to Avoid Bricking Your Life!

I learned a new vocabulary word this week and have had fun using it because I find it so unique. The word refers to "bricking" your phone. To brick one's cell phone means to damage the phone's ability to function to the point that it basically becomes useless, as useful as a brick. A bricked phone, like a brick itself, can be used as a paperweight, but that's about it. Any ability to make a call, receive an email, run apps, or go online is no longer possible if your cell phone is bricked. This phrase came to my attention when Apple released its new operating system, iOS 8, this past week which is now available as a free download to all iPhone users. I use my iPhone a great deal for work, to keep in touch with family and friends, to keep track of appointments, to keep up with email, and in a host of other ways and so I was initially excited about the fact that a new operating system was being released. I was looking forward to upgrading to the new operating system--or at least I was, until I started reading messages that warned that the new operating system could damage one's phone. The warning said that is some rare cases, phones were becoming "bricked," meaning that some users found that the operating system malfunctioned, rendering their phones useless.

All computers and cell phones require an operating system to function. The operating system runs all the time and is what enables all other functions of a computer or cell phone to happen. Every computer and cell phone comes with an operating system already installed and without it, it would not be able to function or be of use to its user. Most users of computers and cell phones simply use the operating systems that were originally installed with their devices and never make the effort to upgrade or improve their operating systems when the opportunity becomes available.

All of this thinking about operating systems for cell phones and computers got me to thinking about how you and I function as well. In a sense, each of us has an "operating system" which runs in the background of our lives and actually runs all the other functions of our lives. For you and I, that operating system is our core values, our spiritual beliefs, and the guiding principles that serve as the foundation for our lives.

If a person has an operating system that is based on loving one's neighbor as one's self then in all likelihood positive relationships will develop with friends, family, work, and with one's wider community. If on the other hand, a person has an operating system, a set of core values and beliefs, that is self-centered, believing that the point of life is to get the most and give the least, then relationships will suffer in all parts of his or her life. A person's operating system influences all other functions of that person's life--either positively or negatively. What can we learn from this? Just as with our phones, we can upgrade our personal operating systems any time we like. In fact, enhancing our spiritual and emotional lives requires us to do this on a regular basis. We do not have to use the operating system we are currently using if it is not serving us well. We each get to decide for ourselves what operating system we want to run our lives. But just as I learned about cell phones this week--be careful to choose wisely so that the operating system you install will indeed increase your functionality and enhance your life.

It's Not Just a Problem in the NFL

Years ago I attended a church picnic with my wife and kids.  It wasn't our home church, but a church I had occasionally preached at through the years and one we all enjoyed visiting.  It was the last place I expected to have to confront a derogatory and abusive comment about women. I remember standing with a group of men enjoying myself in the beautiful park where the picnic was being held.  One of the men in the group had his golden retriever with him and the dog was running around in circles, chasing its tail.  The owner remarked, “What can I say, she's such an idiot!”  One of the other men laughed, and added, “She's not an idiot, she's just having fun.”  I will never forget the dog owner's, response, “She IS an idiot--she doesn't have a brain in her head.  But what do you expect, after all, she's a female?”

I was so stunned and angry that I almost dropped the cold drink that was in my hand.  I looked the dog owner, who I knew was married and had two young daughters, in the eye and I said with a fair amount of intensity, “I am extremely offended by what you have just said. I can't let that kind of comment pass without telling you that I find what you said to be disrespectful and abusive toward women.”  I had just met this man a minute earlier and so I had no idea how he would respond.  “Lighten up buddy,” he replied, “it was just a joke.  You know, just a joke amongst us guys, no harm intended.”  I concluded our conversation with my strongly held opinion, “Disrespectful, abusive comments about women are not funny in any way, shape, or form.”

Domestic violence is in the news with the recent headlines coming from the National Football League.  We should not be surprised that the NFL has a problem with domestic violence.  Why?  Because the NFL is simply a reflection of our larger American culture, a culture where all types of domestic violence continue to occur at an alarming rate.  One in every four women in America will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.  1.3 million American women experience physical assault by an intimate partner each year. Thousands of children are abused each day.  Most of these domestic violence incidents are never reported to the police.

Perhaps the current NFL crisis regarding domestic violence can help raise our awareness of the larger problem that domestic violence permeates every aspect of our society. We know domestic violence happens in every part of our society, regardless of economic status, education, race, religion, or age.

Domestic violence against women and children is not limited only to physical assault.  Verbal abuse and intimidation also constitutes domestic violence.  Most people who physically abuse others begin the cycle of abuse with verbal and emotional intimidation; angry outbursts, name-calling, swearing, and such.  Even when verbal abuse and intimidation does not escalate to physical violence, it is still abuse.  This is why I reacted so strongly to the dog owner at the picnic.  I experienced his comment as being on a continuum of abuse.  I felt I had to speak up because I needed to confront the kind of mindsets and attitudes about women that can give rise to domestic violence, whether physical or verbal.  I would have reacted the same say if he had spoken in an abusive manner about a child, as mean-spirited language sets the stage for other types of disrespectful and abusive behaviors.

“Use your words, not your fists” is helpful advice that many parents have given to their young children at some point in their upbringing.  As children get older, it becomes important to teach them also that there are right and wrong ways to use words.  We adults are wise to remember as well that speaking words that are derogatory, abusive, or intimidating is never appropriate, and can be as hurtful as using one's fists.

We may be quick to judge what is currently happening in the NFL.  It would be so easy to adopt a self-righteous attitude toward the culture of the NFL and how it has long denied or minimized the issue of domestic violence perpetrated by its players.  My hope, though, is that we can use this current crisis as an opportunity to reflect on ways in which we, too, could be part of a pattern of denying and minimizing the issue of domestic violence in our communities. I hope we can use this opportunity to look at our own homes and at our own relationships, taking an honest look at how we speak to and about others, and how we treat one another.   Might our words or actions be hurtful to others and to our relationship with them? How could we change that? Let's take this opportunity for honest self-reflection and take action if need be.

Let's work together to use our words to speak up, and to speak out, against domestic violence in all forms.

For more information on this important issue visit the website for the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.  http://www.ncadv.org

Gradually, Then Suddenly

This week I had the honor to co-facilitate with three of my colleagues a two and half day Fierce Conversations workshop for leaders in the Episcopal Church. The Fierce Conversations materials, which include two books and a series of other leadership resources, have had great success and popularity in the business community and are now being used in schools and churches. You can learn more about Fierce Conversations at www.fierceinc.com. One of the most important principles taught in the Fierce Conversations materials is based on a line from an Ernest Hemmingway novel. In Hemmingway's The Sun Also Rises, a character is asked how he went bankrupt. He answers, "Gradually, then suddenly." Most problems, including bankruptcy, develop gradually and then...suddenly. Fierce Conversations takes this idea and expands it to matters other than one's financial stability, stating, "Our work, our relationships, and, in fact, our very lives succeed or fail, gradually then suddenly, one conversation at a time."

There is much to unpack in this statement but here I would simply like to focus on the phrase, "gradually then suddenly." Most of the time when we experience a "suddenly" in our lives, that "suddenly" follows weeks, months, years, or even decades of "gradually." As problems develop gradually, it is easy to choose not to have the conversations that need to be had, or to make the changes that need to be made. It seems easier in the short run to ignore the whispers and hope the problem will go away. Problems never seem like a big deal in the "gradual" stage. "Gradually" can easily be minimized because each step of "gradually" does not seem that significant at the time.

The problem only becomes a big deal when "gradually" becomes "suddenly." That "suddenly" could be when a person gets a DUI arrest, a partner has an affair, a person loses their job after years of under performing, a child is suspended from school for using drugs, or a person experiences a health crisis following years of ignoring warning signs. The riots in Ferguson, MO last month are an example of a "suddenly" that happened following years of not resolving or taking seriously underlying issues and tensions. Whenever a "suddenly" happens, things can no longer be minimized and must be addressed to move forward.

It is also worth noting that this same truth applies to growth and positive changes that we make. It may seem like any of the following happen "suddenly." A person gets the promotion they have been working for years, a person learns to play a complex piece of music, or a congregation "suddenly" experiences growth. The reality is that while these changes may appear to happen "suddenly" they are in fact due to many small choices and changes that were made "gradually" over a longer period of time. When we are working to create positive change in our lives, the gradual things we do each day, each week, each year, may seem like they are not all that significant--that is until the positive change "suddenly" crystallizes.

Is there a "gradually" in your life that you avoiding that needs to be tended to before it turns into a "suddenly?" Might it be related to work, family, a friend, or your own well-being? Is there a positive "gradually" that you would like to start in motion somewhere in your life such as at work, within your family, with a friend, or for your own well-being? If so, why not start today? Keep positive even if your progress seems slow and gradual, because in the end, there really is no other path to "suddenly" than "gradually."

Of Camp and Love

Our daughter, Lindsey, married Alex, the love of her life, this past weekend. The wedding took place at Camp Jorn, a 100-year-old YMCA camp located in the beautiful wilderness of northern Wisconsin. There the guests enjoyed four days of fun together over the long Labor Day weekend. The wedding was held in the outdoor chapel at the camp, a chapel that was more like a pine cathedral, with seating built into the side of a hill that allowed for a beautiful view of the lake. The fact that the sun was beginning to set during the ceremony only added to the splendor of the moment.

I was honored to be asked by Lindsey and Alex to share some words of reflection during the ceremony. So, given that it is still hard for me to think about anything other than the wedding even now, I would like to share a little bit of my reflection here.

I spoke about how a beautiful camp setting like Camp Jorn is a great metaphor for love and marriage in several ways. First, while every camp has a history that speaks of those who had the vision and commitment to start the camp, it is important to note that the beautiful, natural setting in which the camp resides is a gift from the Creator. The founders of a camp created a vision to protect the natural beauty, to put boundaries around it and preserve it, but there is no mistake that the magnificence of the natural beauty is God's doing. Love is like this, too. Love is a gift from the Creator, the source of all love. In a commitment like marriage we create a vision together, putting a boundary around the love that we have discovered in and through each other. At the same time, we promise to be stewards of the ongoing gift of that love.

Camp Jorn's long history, is a reminder that we are always dependent on the generosity of the generations before us and this serves as a metaphor as well for love and marriage. The founding members of Camp Jorn have passed on, and yet their spirit and vision continues to guide the camp. So it is with marriage. Each couple begins their life together as the recipients of generations of love and guidance. Some of those generations are still alive and are often present at a wedding, while others have passed on, but continue to be spiritually present. While receiving much from past generations, each generation, of course, needs to create a vision that is a fresh expression of all that they have received, one that has continuity with the past, but has an openness to creating a future that is uniquely their own.

Finally, if you talk with anyone who has enjoyed, or is currently enjoying the gift of being able to attend camp, you will hear them speak with great delight about what the experience means to them. Going to camp is not just about going to a place, but is as much about having an experience. Camp is where you can let down, relax, and feel free to be fully yourself. It is a place where you are not graded, judged, or evaluated. It is a place where you are accepted for who you are. You don't have to be "normal" at camp and you don't have to try and fit it. Camp brings out the best of who you are. Camp is thus truly re-creative for body and soul.

Is not all of this the perfect description for the ideals of what love and marriage can be as well? Ideally, love and marriage are where you go to experience the joy of being fully yourself. Ideally, in love and marriage, you are not graded, judged, or evaluated and you don't have to try to be "normal." Ideally, in love and marriage you are accepted for who you are and there is a commitment to bring out the best of who you are. Ideally, love and marriage are truly re-creative for those who involved.

Thanks for letting me share a bit of what we were blessed to experience this past weekend and how we connected our camp experience to the experience of being married. We all left camp inspired to live these ideals of love in all of our meaningful relationships--marriage, friendship, family, and community.

Learning How To Shift

Our daughter is getting married this weekend and we could not be more excited.  Because all of my attention is focused on getting ready for this wonderful celebration, I am sharing a previous column that I wrote four years ago.  This column is about transitions, and so these words are certainly helpful for me and our family, and I hope they are helpful to any of you who are going through a transition in your life right now.  

A good friend of our family was in town recently for a conference.  While visiting, she was excited to tell us that she had recently decided to take up road biking so that she could ride with her husband, who is already an experienced biker.  My friend works out on a regular basis and certainly knows how to ride a bike, and so she anticipated that she would adapt quite quickly to her new sport.  It turned out she was both right and wrong about that. She found it easy to ride the bike, but quite difficult to figure out the shifting.  Her new road bike has 21 gears or speeds and she had never ridden a bike with more than three  previously.  First, she had to figure out what the left had shifters controlled versus the right hand shifters.  She had to figure out how to get into gear 5 or gear 14 or gear 21.  This was hard enough, but there was more to learn.  Next she had to learn out on the open road, when to use what gear.  What gear do you use to go down a hill or up a hill?  When do you shift into a lower gear as you approach a hill?  She found if she shifted either too early or too late she lost valuable momentum and the climb up the hill become much more difficult.  She eventually realized that she could only learn the art of shifting through miles and miles of experience on her bike.  There was no simple formula of when to use which gear, but rather she would have to get the “feel” of when  it was the right time to shift into a different gear.  She was excited to report that in just the three weeks since she had purchased her bike, she was already making good progress. During our visit our friend was also telling us about her son who is going off to college later this month.   The topic had now changed to a whole different kind of shifting.  A big hill is just ahead for my friend and her husband, and their son.   Since neither of them have done this before, the shifting is bound to be a bit awkward at first. I remember when each of our children went off to school.  I tried to pretend like I could ride right through this transition and I minimized the amount of shifting that would be required.  Of course when I did this, I soon found myself out of breath, and forced to slow down and give this important transition the time it would take to work through. When it comes to our emotional and spiritual wellness, the more gears we have available to us, the better off we will be.  Knowing when to slow down and when to speed up, and learning the art of shifting back and forth between the full range of emotions, from sorrow to joy, will help us better negotiate the hills and valleys we face. Learning to gracefully accept that “to everything there is a season” is the heart of much wisdom and wellness. There is one more thing that every cyclist soon learns that also has direct application to wellness.  Biking long distances is made much easier when you ride with a group, because each person takes turns breaking the wind for those behind.  As you and I continue to perfect the art of shifting in our lives, may we also remember the importance of finding others with whom we can share the ride.