For Everything There Is A Season

I love this time of the year for two very specific reasons--fresh corn and fresh tomatoes.  Between local roadside farm stands and our weekly CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) delivery we have been blessed with an abundance of both fresh corn and fresh tomatoes this past week.  Here in Wisconsin, the window of opportunity to enjoy these fruits of the earth is small and so we take full delight in them while we can. I think that part of the reason we truly appreciate the delicacies of fresh corn and  tomatoes is the very fact that their availability is so time-limited.  If these treats were available year round it would be far too easy to take them for granted and not savor them so fully.

There is a valuable lesson for me in this  and that is the importance of learning to fully appreciate the abundance that the present moment  has to offer, whatever that may be.  I believe that every moment of life and every season of life has something wonderful and unique to offer.  We simply need to have the mindfulness to discover what that is and to truly appreciate it.  Living well means being able to delight in the current fruit of what life has to offer us at any given moment, knowing at the same time, that it will not last for ever.

As you delight in the abundance of the fresh fruits of the earth this time of year, I invite you to expand your thinking to other areas of your life.  What other abundance is present in your life right now that perhaps will only be present for this moment in time or this season of your life?  How can you be more aware and appreciative of this abundance, knowing that it will not last forever?

In the Old Testament, in the book of Ecclesiastes, it says, “For everything there is a season...a time to be born, a time to die, a time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance.”  While it doesn't include a line about “A time for fresh corn, and a time for fresh tomatoes” the implication of the rest of the passage is clear.  Live in a way such that you fully accept and appreciate what each season of life has to offer.  Take nothing for granted and savor the moment.

    **I want to express my gratitude for the many people who responded to last week's column about depression.  Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability as you shared how this disease has affected you or someone you love.  In your responses you were doing the very thing I wrote about--talking about depression and, in the process, helping to remove its stigma. Thank you.

Depression: Now We're Talking

A story is told of a man who, while traveling for his job, became overwhelmed with depression. This was not new for him, as he had lived with serious depression for most of his adult life. The man went to see a local doctor to get help. He said to the doctor, "My depression has recently become worse and I am having trouble doing my job and functioning in general." The doctor listened closely and then asked the man to come with her over to the window in her office. She pointed to a group of tents in the distance and said to the man, "There is a circus in town this week and I just went and saw the show last night. There are so many great acts, but the highlight of the show is a clown named Paparella. He had all of us laughing the entire night. I recommend that you go to the circus tonight and let Paparella help lift you out of your depression."

The man looked at the doctor and said, "Doctor, apparently you don't recognize me. I am Paparella."

The doctor in this story makes two mistakes that are common when it comes to understanding depression. The first mistake is thinking that depression is something that people can somehow just lift themselves out of if they simply do something different or try harder. Depression, like many diseases, is exceedingly complex. There are no simplistic solutions and advice is rarely, if ever, helpful. What is helpful is when a friend or loved one offers his or her accepting, faithful presence. And because many people who suffer from depression deal with it off and on throughout their lives, offering that accepting, faithful presence over the long haul is very important. It can make all of the difference for the person who is suffering and may even be a lifesaver for him or her.

The second mistake the doctor makes in the story of the clown, is that she assumes that a person with depression would not be able to have a happy public persona, like that of Paparella. Many people this week have said the same thing about Robin Williams. They have wondered how a person with serious depression could be so publicly funny and entertaining. Robin Williams, through the way he lived and the way he died, reminds us that we are all exceedingly complex and it is not uncommon for a person who is hurting inside to present a different image of himself or herself to the world.

One result of Robin Williams' death is that people are truly talking this week about depression and suicide. Many people are courageously lifting the veil of silence and sharing their own experiences with depression. One hundred years ago virtually no one talked about cancer in public, as it was considered a taboo subject. My hope is that we will continue to make as much progress raising awareness and talking about suicide and depression as we have made in talking about cancer.

One person who now talks openly about his struggle with depression is Parker Palmer, one of my favorite authors. Palmer, a Quaker writer, has written many profound books on spirituality and everyday living. I had been reading his books for years before I learned that he suffers from depression. Since learning that I have developed an even greater respect for him as he writes and talks about the spiritual dimensions of his depression.

I cannot improve on something that Parker Palmer wrote this week in his weekly column, and so I conclude with his profound words. I pray that his words will help us to plow new ground and plant new seeds in the wake of Robin Williams' death, as we all seek to better accept, talk about, understand, and treat depression, the disease that can impact any of us, at anytime.

Here is what Parker Palmer wrote this week, including his poem "Harrowing."

     Millions of people suffer or have suffered from depression, and I'm one of them. In the past 30 years, I've made three deep dives into the darkness. As I've worked to integrate those experiences into my sense of who I am, I've found it important to write and speak on the topic. "Going public" this way is not only therapeutic for me. It also gives me a chance to stand in solidarity with others who suffer, to let them (and those who care for them) know they're not alone.

    My writing on the subject includes chapter IV in my book Let Your Life Speak and the poem below. The poem came to me during a time of deep depression when I was out in the country walking past a recently harrowed field. 

     Writing the poem "Harrowing" was a healing experience. It helped me understand something I'm glad I know: the hard times we all go thru plow up our inner ground and turn it over, giving us chance after chance to "plant a greening season" in and through our lives. 

Harrowing 

The plow has savaged this sweet field Misshapen clods of earth kicked up Rocks and twisted roots exposed to view Last year's growth demolished by the blade. 

I have plowed my life this way Turned over a whole history Looking for the roots of what went wrong Until my face is ravaged, furrowed, scarred. 

Enough. The job is done. Whatever's been uprooted, let it be Seedbed for the growing that's to come. I plowed to unearth last year's reasons- 

The farmer plows to plant a greening season.

Falling Upward

Scott is taking time off this week for some rest and play, and so we are repeating a column from a few years ago about one of his favorite books. If you are taking some time off this month and are looking for a great to book to read, this column might be timely for you. The Living Compass regular column will return next week.     One of the best books I have read in the last five years is Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of LIfe, by Richard Rohr.  Rohr is a priest in the Franciscan order who integrates wisdom from spirituality and depth psychology.  He has traveled the world the last forty-two years leading retreats and conferences on wholeness and wellness.  Falling Upward, published in 2011, is a book about the two halves of our lives.  The first half of life, according to Rohr, is characterized by external growth, expansion, and accomplishment.  It the time of life when people finish school, begin careers, begin relationships and families, and most things in one's life are on an upward trajectory.  Rohr talks about the first half of life as being primarily about building and solidifying one's identity and one's ego.

In contrast, Rohr describes the second half of life as being primarily about deepening one's identity and about developing one's soul.  In the second half of life, things begin to get more complicated.  Loss becomes more prevalent.  Relationships end through separation or death.  Bad things happen to good people.  Dreams fall short and disappointments occur. We are aging and now facing the finite limits of our lives in the second half of life.  Things begin to fall apart, but the point that Rohr makes is that we have a choice when we face an experience of things falling apart.  We can choose to fall down, or we can choose to fall upward--hence the name for his book.

Rohr's book resonates completely with my own experience in life, both personally and professionally.  In my experience, all spiritual growth--all growth of the soul--occurs in response to working through some experience of challenge or loss, some experience of facing a problem that cannot be solved by simply working harder (the striving of the ego).  Another way to capture this is to quote one of my favorite sayings:  wisdom is simply healed pain.  Those who face and heal their pain as they move into and through the second half of life become wise.  They are the sages and elders of our lives whose wisdom and counsel we regularly seek.  Their souls are well developed.  They have a depth and a gravitas that is palpable.  Those who do not face and heal their pain in the second half of life, become constricted, bitter, and cynical.   Rohr captured this difference in a lecture I once heard him deliver when he said, "we have a growing population of elderly in our country, but not necessarily a growing population of elders."

The field of personal growth literature is vast.  Much of it is geared toward the first half of life, toward what Rohr would call the growth of the ego.  Most of these books are some version of "Ten Steps To A Better You."  There is of course nothing wrong with this kind of literature as far as it goes.  But if you are looking for a book that will nurture the growth of your soul, you will benefit from reading Falling Upward by Richard Rohr.  You can read the book an a couple of days, but you will spend the rest of your life integrating and apply the wisdom found in this book.

Regular readers of this column know that one of my favorite sayings is, "Change is inevitable.  Growth is optional."  Richard Rohr makes this more specific, by saying, "Falling is inevitable.  Falling upward is optional."  Rohr says that when we fall upward, what we come to discover is that what is falling away as we get older is the false self, and that what is finally emerging is the true self.  He is clear though, that this is a choice that we have to make.  We make it one day at a time, in community with those we love and trust, and in community with a Divine Power who is always guiding us to discover our true selves.

Safe Landings

My wife and I recently had a very frightening experience when our plane hit a wind shear and began rocking side to side just thirty seconds from landing. Our plane was rocking almost as much as the plane in the photo above. There was no way we could have landed safely given how much the plane was rocking, and so at the very last moment, the pilot aborted the landing, pulled the nose of the plane up, and avoided an almost certain disaster. The thousands of hours our pilot had spent training and flying prepared him for this crisis when he needed to make an extremely important decision on a moment's notice. His preparedness and alertness saved us all from a likely disaster.The whole incident happened so quickly that by the time we all realized the danger of what was going on, the danger was over. The pilot, who made the whole thing seem routine, then took us on to Atlantic City where we landed smoothly.  We waited out the storm there until we could return safely to Philadelphia, our intended destination.  We all shook the pilot's hand as we deplaned, grateful to be alive. When it was my turn to greet the pilot, he shared with me that pilots prepare for countless hours for moments just like the sudden wind shear we had experienced, never knowing when their preparation and training will be put to use. I walked away thinking about the difference one person can make in our lives, especially when we are going through a time of sudden turmoil. You and I will most likely never be responsible for flying a plane through a storm and getting hundreds of people to safety. At the same time, this is a great metaphor for what each of us does have the opportunity to do on a regular basis. We all know someone whose life has been hit by an unexpected wind shear, a storm that has come out of nowhere and rocked that person's life. It might be the storm of a health crisis, a job loss, a relationship crisis, or any of the many challenges that are just part of life.  Whether that person is a family member, friend, colleague, or neighbor, like the pilot of our airplane, we can make a difference in helping that person to get through their crisis to a place where they feel safe again. What our pilot shared with us about the countless hours of ongoing preparation that allowed him to react with confidence to the crisis he faced got me to thinking how important preparation is for all of us. There are certain habits and disciplines we can practice in our lives on an ongoing basis that will prepare us for helping others, and for helping ourselves, when sudden storms arise. At the top of my list--and I would be interested in knowing what would be on your list--are the habits and disciplines of active listening, being patient, remaining a faithful friend, being loving, practicing forgiveness, being compassionate, acting in trustworthy ways, exercising self-control, and being generous.

Nurturing these disciplines on a daily basis will provide us with the training and preparation we need to be aware of and to respond to whatever challenges arise in our lives and in the lives of those around us. We do not get to choose when wind shears will occur, either in our own lives or others, but we do get to choose how emotionally and spiritually prepared we will be when they do occur. Our preparedness, just like that of our pilot on our recent flight to Philadelphia, can make all the difference in those scary life moments.

Weeding Out Perfectionism

I was talking to a friend the other day who described himself as a lawn perfectionist, while at the same time he was doing his best to get over the trait that had earned him his self-given title. He explained that the problem with being a lawn perfectionist is that even when your lawn is 98 percent weed free, the only thing about the lawn that you notice is the few places where crabgrass is interrupting the beautiful stretches of grass. While no one would ever confuse me with a lawn perfectionist, I certainly can be a perfectionist in other areas of my life, and so I know of what my friends speaks. In fact, I shared with my friend that I describe myself as a "recovering perfectionist." I commit one day at a time to not wearing myself and others out by being a perfectionist. Summer is not only the season when we spend time thinking about, working on, and enjoying gardens, lawns, and parks, it is also the season of the year that we think about, plan, and enjoy weddings. As I was thinking about weddings this week and all of the relationships that will be celebrated, I realized that my lawn perfectionist friend provided me with an ideal metaphor for helping those couples think about how to build healthy, long lasting relationships and marriages.

Every relationship contains some weeds of imperfection. Why? This is because every relationship is made up of two imperfect people who at times naturally become self-centered, irritable, and crabby. If we struggle with perfectionism in our relationships then it will be the case that the only thing we can see in our partner is his or her "weeds." If we make a habit of this pretty soon we may overlook all of the good traits in our partner. We have a saying in Living Compass that points out that "Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow." If you only pay attention to the crabgrass in someone you love, pretty soon that's all you will see. On the other hand, if you pay attention to what you love and appreciate about that person, most likely the weeds will soon be less noticeable. Obviously, if there is a weed growing in a relationship that is serious and potentially destructive to a relationship, then it must be addressed. I am referring here to the normal human imperfections that occur in every person and in every relationship.

When I asked people around our office today what advice they would share with any couple getting married this summer so as to avoid letting too much crab grass grow in their relationship, the most common advice was to manage one's expectation of one's partner or spouse. This certainly rings true for lot of people I speak with, both personally and professionally, and it is related to managing perfectionist tendencies. Anyone can easily wear out a partner, spouse, friend, or coworker with unrealistic expectations.

Weeds will always appear from time to time, both in lawns and in relationships. Knowing the difference between the weeds that are a normal part of every relationship and the weeds that are potentially destructive is key to creating and maintaining a healthy relationship. In addition, choosing to regularly focus our attention on what we love about a partner, spouse, or friend will grow both our love for him or her, as well as create a surplus of goodwill in our relationship. Just as grass needs water to stay green and growing and to crowd out the weeds, relationships, too, stay green and growing when they are watered regularly with love and positive attention.