Busy Being Born

Bob Dylan released his 35th album this past Tuesday--50 years to the day after releasing his first. The album, entitled Tempest, has been both panned and praised by a wide range of critics. I personally love the album, but then I've loved most everything he has done for the 40 years that I have been listening to his music. I guess you could say I'm a fan. The critics that have panned this record have focus on two things. They say that the quality of Dylan's voice, while never his strength, has greatly declined of late. They also say that the quality of Dylan's songwriting--something that has most definitely been his strength--has also declined. The implication almost seems to be that if Dylan's music is not at the same quality as it was in his younger days, he should perhaps think about no longer recording and releasing new albums. When you are one of the greatest songwriters to have ever lived, I guess that legendary status can become a burden later in life.

This is a column about wellness though, and not about music, and so let me get to my point. I believe that Dylan continues to write and perform music at the age of 71 for the shear joy and delight he gets from performing his craft. I don't believe he spends much time worrying about how he compares to his younger self and to the music he wrote and recorded 30, 40, or 50 years ago.

Dylan is a model of wellness for me because in a culture that idolizes youth, he stands out as one example of what it means to age and still be fully alive, doing what he loves most. Does he do it as well as he did when he was younger? Probably not. But that misses the point. Physical decline is inevitable for every one of us as we age. There is much we can do to slow the decline, but there is no avoiding it. That's why, for example, all singers' voices will decline as they age.

While physical decline is inevitable, spiritual decline--the decline of the soul most definitely is not. In fact, our souls can continue to grow and expand until our last breath. And that's what inspires me about Dylan. His soul is as alive and well as ever. His love of creating and performing live concerts (he still does over 100 concerts a year all over the world) is refreshing.

Music critic Andy Downing, after listening to Tempest, wrote that Dylan has "a gravelly voice as gnarled and knotted as an ancient oak." How true this is. Now, young oak trees are plentiful and are indeed enjoyable, but ancient oaks are much rarer, and therefore more special. Ancient oaks have a depth, a heft, and a weathered wisdom about them. They are in a category by themselves, one in which no comparison to their younger selves is necessary. Ancient oaks, whether in the form of a tree or a person, have a majestic quality all their own.

The times they are a changing indeed, and Dylan continues to grow and change with them. He reminds us that as we age, just because we may not do something as well as we did it when were younger, it doesn't mean we should stop doing it. In fact, as long as we are able, let's keep doing what it is we love, enjoying each moment with all our heart and soul.

And as Bob himself said a long time ago--1965 to be precise--"He who's not busy being born, is busy dying."

Full Contact

I talked to a friend of ours earlier this week whose son is currently playing football for his middle school team.  It's his first experience of playing full contact football, meaning that he is playing with full pads, helmet, etc. and that this year there will be real hitting and tackling.  After his first few practices, our friend's son reported that he really loved being on the team and that he really loved playing football, but that he just wasn't sure football was for him.  When asked why, he responded, “I just don't like the contact--the hitting and tackling.  If there was a way I could play football without those things, I would keep playing for sure.” I laughed when I heard this, because it reminded me of statements I sometimes hear from adults, my self included--not about playing football, but about other aspects of life.

“I wish our relationship could be stronger, but I prefer to avoid addressing the hard issues that are dividing us.”

“I would like to feel more secure about retirement, but I'm not much of a saver, and I hate budgets.”

“I wish I had a stronger spiritual life, but I just don't have the time or the discipline to commit much time or effort to that right now.”

“I like being a leader, but I hate making tough decisions.  I would prefer not to have to deal with conflict either.”

“I want to get in shape, but I just wish I didn't have to work at it so hard.  I really don't like to watch what I eat and I hate exercising.”

Football, like life itself, is a full contact sport.   We get bumped and bruised and knocked around at times.  Sometimes we get hit so hard that we get the wind knocked out of us.  If you are going to play well, you need to be all in.  And if you are going to play football, you will have to learn how to deal with the hard hits.  If you are going to have meaningful relationships, you have to learn how to have hard conversations.  If you are going to be a leader, you have to learn how to make tough decisions and manage conflict.  If you are going to get in shape, either physically or spiritually or financially, you have to develop and commit to some regular disciplines and habits and it won't be easy.

All of the things that I have mentioned in this column, including football, are things that a person can get better at with practice.  There are skills that can be learned.  There are people who can inspire us, guide us, and teach us.  In the end though, it is we who have to decide if we really want to play--if we really want to be all in.  If we do, and if we are willing to absorb some bumps and bruises in the process,  as well as get back up when the wind has been knocked out of us, we will soon see positive growth in ourselves.  We will see growth we may not have even dreamed was possible.

Harder Assignments

All across the nation children and families have one thing on their mind:  it's back to school time.  Some schools have already started and others will start very soon.  For some young people and their families, this year represents a very significant back to school transition: starting full-time kindergarden or first grade, starting middle or high school, or heading off to college.  These transitions are, of course, big for both the young people and the parents. Last year, the Washington Post interviewed some kids regarding their thoughts and feelings about going back to school.  Here are three quotes from students of various ages:

“I am so scared, because I don't know what it's going to be like in kindergarten. I won't see my Mom when I am at kindergarten. I want my Mom to hug me a lot when I come home after school. I want to hug my Mom a lot, too.”  Brian Mason, age 5.

“I have mixed feelings about my first year in middle school. I'm excited for the novelty of switching classes, but though this may sound juvenile, I am going to miss my 15-minute recess, because it was always a nice break from the monotonous school day.”  Zachary Stevenson, age 11

“When I go back to school, I like to shop for school supplies. Sharp pencils and clean notebooks make me feel like a new person. I dread to hear how big I've gotten. Growing up is too scary. But I love having harder assignments. I like to take on new challenges.”  Abigail Clark, age 9

In honor of the millions of people that are going back to school this time of year, I would like to offer a thought for those of us who are not taking formal classes this fall, as well. This is a great time for those of us whose formal schooling ended years ago, to remember that all of life continues to be a classroom, if we are but willing to be open to the learning.  Life is constantly presenting us with new problems to be solved and new lessons to be learned. In the quotes above, Brian, age 5, is worried about dealing with separation from his mother.  I have news for Brian:  learning to let go of people we love is a lesson that we are faced with at every stage of our life.  Our relationships throughout our life are an ongoing dance of connecting and letting go.  We are always learning anew how to graciously let go of what has been in order to embrace and live fully into what is today.

Zachary, age 11, is quoted as saying that he is going to miss recess now that he is entering middle school.  This is a challenge that we all face as we get older.  Life gets more serious and yet if we are not mindful we can minimize the importance of play in our life.  Adult recess time is vital, not just for one's personal wellness, but also for one's relationships with friends and family.

Abigail, age 9, says, “Growing up is too scary. But I love having harder assignments.” Growing up is scary.  The assignments do indeed get harder.  As a pastor and a therapist I have people come and talk to me everyday about the “harder assignments” that they have been given.  These harder assignments include illness, a job loss, marital difficulties, worrying about an adult child, financial worries, depression, aging, spiritual emptiness, and the death of a love one. Learning always takes place in community with others.   As adults, we need to create our own “schools” to work on these “harder assignments.” In these schools we need to associate with other students who are working on similar assignments--it's not a good idea to try and learn important lessons on your own. We also need to find wise teachers and guides that can help us along the way.  In fact, in these adult schools, we are all students and we are all teachers at times--we take turns being teachers to one another.  We will also benefit from a having good curriculum, which might include a variety of spiritual writings or participation in a faith community.  One of the primary functions of a faith community is to be a school for people of all ages.

What lesson is life offering to you right now?

What are you being asked to learn?

What other students and/or teachers do you need to connect with to support your learning and for you to learn from?

In the spirit of this time of this back to school season, may all of us, children and adults alike, approach our lessons with curiosity and excitement.  There is still much for each of us to learn on this amazing journey we call life.

Time Away

I am just beginning ten days away in beautiful Door County, Wisconsin, where I will be spending lots of time exploring the back roads of this beautiful place on my bicycle.  Many of you have taken or will be taking time off this month, as well.  Time off is a great time to explore the back roads of our lives, to reacquaint ourselves with the less visited places of our hearts and souls.  However we do this, whether on a bike, at a beach, taking a walk in the woods, spending time with friends and family, reading a good book, watching the sunset, or all of the above!--may we remember the importance of rest and play in our lives. Many of you, as well, are going or will be going through significant transitions this month as children of all ages return to school or leave home to go away to school.  The balance of your life, as you have known it, is shifting.  Be sure to make time and space for your heart and soul to feel what you are feeling.  Avoid the temptation to fill any void you may be feeling too quickly.  At the same time though, keep moving forward.  Keep moving ahead, not knowing what's around the next bend, but trusting that in time, a new sense of balance will emerge.

I don't think it is just a coincidence that many people go on vacation in August.  It's not just because they are trying to get their time away in before the warm weather changes.  I believe at some intuitive level they know that their hearts and souls need to be cared for in preparation for the changes that often come with the fall season.

So here's to time away, however we may take it.  Here's to restoring balance.  Here's to strengthening our hearts and souls as we move ahead to embrace all of the changes that life has in store of us.

     The Words of Wellness column will return in two weeks, after I have returned from my time away.       Scott Stoner 

Inspiring Others

My wife, Holly, who loves swimming laps was at the pool yesterday and witnessed a powerful example of just how important role models can be.  Three ten-year old boys were getting ready to jump into the pool to race each other to the other end.  As she watched them, she noticed that each of the boys was bending over and warming up by doing the Michael Phelp's arm flap.  And of course, being ten year old boys, they immediately began to argue over which one had the right to pretend they were Michael Phelps.  The life guard threw out the names of other famous swimmers in an attempt to settle the disagreement, but they all wanted to be Phelps.   Clearly these boys, like many of us, have been avid fans of the summer games in London. Excellence is contagious.  When we witness it--when we are fortunate to be close to it--it rubs off on us.  It inspires us to want to be excellent, too.  This past weekend I had the good fortune to be surrounded by excellence and it has inspired me throughout the week.

My wife and I rode in the Wisconsin MS Bike Ride this past weekend.  The ride is a two day fundraising event involving 1,400 riders who travel up to two hundred miles across Wisconsin from Milwaukee to Whitewater on Saturday and from Whitewater on to Madison on Sunday.   This year riders once again raised over one million dollars to help eliminate MS.  This was our second time participating in the ride and I can say it was, again, one of the most inspiring experiences I have ever had.

There were definitely some amazing cyclists participating in this fundraising event,   men and women with exceptional skills and stamina.  Throughout the weekend as they rode by me I would try to pick up some tips on form or on drafting and, like the boys my wife witnessed at the pool yesterday, I would try to imitate some of their habits in an attempt to improve my own riding.  Their skills and physical excellence were contagious indeed.

As inspiring as the physical excellence of my fellow riders was this past weekend, they are not the people that continue to inspire me five days later.  There was another show of strength that I was privileged to witness up close that I have also been trying to imitate this week.  The weekend bike ride for MS provided me with numerous opportunities to talk with people who are battling MS and/or their loved ones who are supporting them in their battle with MS.

The emotional and spiritual determination, courage, and strength of the people I met with MS, along with supportive friends and family, was as inspiring as anything I have seen in the Olympics.   Having lunch with four young husbands of women who have MS and listening to their stories of commitment, love, and devotion to their wives was transformative.   I found the strength of character that has been both developed and revealed while both battling MS and supporting a loved one with the disease to be contagious.  I want more of what they have. I aspire to the emotional and spiritual excellence that I see in them.  I want to imitate their emotional and spiritual strength as much as those ten-year old boys at the pool want to imitate Michael Phelps.  They are true role models for me.

Who inspires you to excellence, whether it be physically, emotionally, or spiritually? Who are you in a position to inspire?   This past weekend reminded me that we all have the capacity to inspire excellence in others in a variety of unique ways.  In our families, our friendships, our work teams, and our congregations we have many opportunities to inspire one another. Nancy, Dee, Judy, and Mary are four of the people that inspired me this week. Upon finishing the MS Bike Ride on Sunday, these four MS survivors, sitting in chairs waiting to sign each rider's bib number as a sign of appreciation for participating in the event, each gave me a hug and autographed my number.  (See photo above).   At that moment those autographs meant more to me than one from Michael Phelps or any other Olympic athlete because they are the quiet heroes who face adversity each day and keep bravely moving on.  I share their story in hopes that their strength might inspire you as much as it has inspired me.