Dadisms: Happy Father's Day!

After I wrote my column about “Momisms” for Mother's Day, several people asked me to do the same for “Dadisms” and Father's Day.  So what follows is a list of some common Dadisms, those wise, pithy statements that father's often say to their children.  And because this is a column about personal and family wellness, I offer a brief reflection on each Dadism and the life lesson it provides us related to personal and family wellness.  The Dadism appears in quotes, followed by the reflection in italics.

• “A little dirt never hurt anyone.”  This would be said when a fork, or a plate, or a piece of food dropped on the ground or floor.  There are perhaps two important lessons here: You are tougher and stronger than you think you are, and things don't have to be perfect to be good.  

• “Rub a little dirt on it and you'll be fine.”  What is it with fathers and dirt?  The lesson here again is that we are not as fragile as we might think.  When we get hurt, or when we hurt each other, the hurt will pass.  This saying could also be a way to distract a child from what's hurting them.  Rubbing dirt on a sprained ankle won't make it better, but it might help a child to stop thinking so much about their ankle.  

• “Don't forget to check the oil.”  Fathers and cars tend to go hand in hand.  This saying reminds us about the importance of preventative actions in maintaining wellness.  Checking the “oil” of our physical wellness means getting regular check-ups and addressing problems as soon as they arise.  Checking the “oil” in our family relationships means being proactive about keeping those relationships strong, and thus avoiding more  “expensive repairs” down the road.

• “Keep your hands on the wheel.”  Here we have another car-related Dadism.  The lesson here is to eliminate distractions and pay attention to what we are doing.  We cannot control the surprises that come up while driving or living, but we will have fewer accidents if we keep focused on the road ahead.  

• “Go ask your mother.”  Dad may have just been passing the buck with this one, but he also may have been teaching us the important lesson that in families we need to work and make decisions together because we are all interconnected.  Dad also could have been modeling that when you don't know something,  it's okay to seek someone out who knows more than you do.

• “We're not lost, I just don't know where we are temporarily.”  This one could go either way.  It could be seen as an example of denial and not being willing to face the truth, or it could be seen as a humorous way to put a positive, hopeful spin on a difficult situation.  This is a great attitude to have when you are experiencing a conflict with someone you love--you are not lost, you are just temporarily off course and will soon find your way again.

• “Shake it off.”  The message here is twofold--it provides advice and hope.  The advice is based on the premise that your current troubles or challenges are on the surface and you have the ability to shake them off before they settle in more deeply.  The hope implied is that you can in fact do this, you will be able to shake off the challenges you are currently facing.  

• “Keep your eye on the ball.”  The wisdom here is all about the importance of being focussed.  The life lesson here is to “keep the main thing the main thing.”  Keep your focus on character and on the wisdom of the soul--avoid being distracted by the whims of the ego.  

• “I'm so happy for you,” or “I'm so proud of you,”  or “I love you.”  Some fathers were raised in a time when fathers didn't come right out and say, “I love you,” so instead they would say, “I'm so happy for you,” or “I'm so proud of you.”  However it was said or expressed, it meant the world to us! 

A special thanks to our fathers for teaching us so much about personal and family wellness!

And to all the men in our lives, who bless us with their wisdom, love, and guidance, Happy Father's Day.

***Do you have a favorite Dadism that I left out?  Please feel free to email it to me and I'll add it to my collection for next yeare.

The Road Less Traveled

I recently ran two half-marathons.  The first had 2 participants and the second had 4,500 participants.  I should also probably mention that I ran these two half-marathons back-to-back on the same morning.  Please allow me to explain. For the last sixteen years I have looked forward to running the Madison Marathon in Madison, Wisconsin, a race that is always run the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend.  My wife, Holly, runs the half marathon and, because we both graduated from the University of Wisconsin, it provides us a great reason each year to return to a place we love.

This year I had another reason to be excited about the Madison Marathon.  I was going to be running it with my nephew, Dave.  This race would be his second marathon and I knew he had been training hard for six months to get ready.  I, on the other hand, had not put the time and miles in to my training that I usually do when training for a marathon due to an especially busy work schedule.  So my plan was to run the first few miles with Dave and then let him go on ahead as I slowed down to make sure I would be able to finish, fully expecting that I might have to walk part of the way.

Dave, who lives an hour and half south of me in Illinois, and I talked regularly over the last month as we prepared for race day.  Our plan for race day was set.  What we didn't ever consider, and therefore certainly did not plan for, was that the marathon would be cancelled 36 hours before it was due to start.  But that's exactly what happened.  Friday afternoon, the race officials announced that the full marathon would be cancelled due to a projected high temperature of 95 degrees.  The half-marathon would still be run as scheduled at 7:00 AM on Sunday morning, because the shorter race (compared to a full marathon) would allow the runners to finish before the high temperatures set in.  The two thousand runners that were scheduled to run the full marathon were encouraged to join the half-marathon runners and to be content with the shorter distance that day.

I was upset for myself about the cancellation 36 hours before the race, but I was especially upset for my nephew because he had put in so many hours and miles into training for this event.  Dave and I spoke on the phone and it wasn't long though before we came up with a plan that would allow us both to still run a full marathon, albeit in a rather unorthodox manner.

On Sunday morning Dave and I arose at 3:45 AM.  Just over an hour later the two of us departed from our hotel on the Madison capitol square, off to run our own half-marathon before the official half-marathon would begin.  The first pre-dawn miles were amazing.  We saw more deer than people as we wound our way along the Capitol City Trail.  As the sun rose we began to see and hear numerous sandhill cranes.  Given that it was Sunday morning, I turned to Dave at one point and said, “Now this is going to church!”  It was truly one of the most special, sacred running experiences I have ever enjoyed.

We arrived at the starting line of the official half-marathon two minutes before the gun went off.  The quiet and solitude of our early morning run was gone as we were now being joined by 4,500 other runners!  Dave and my wife went on to have great runs.  I struggled and had to walk much of the last several miles.  I had used up my best energy running with Dave in our first half-marathon.

Even though I walked through many of the last several miles of the race, I still had a smile on my face because I kept thinking about “going to church” earlier that morning. When I finally crossed the finish line, I knew I had completed a full marathon that I would never forget.

And did I mention that the Sunday that we ran our back to back half-marathons just happened to be Pentecost Sunday?  This day for me was a reminder that the Spirit continues to show up in ways that we can neither expect nor predict.

     My nephew Dave writes a blog and has written a great column about his experience of our non-traditional marathon--complete with photos!   I encourage you to read it--you can find his column at  http://warriordave.com/2012/plan-b

The Soul of a Veteran

Our Living Compass team recently had the chance to be a part of the National Episcopal Health Ministry's annual conference, an event which brings people from all over the United States together who are engaged in a wide range of healing and wellness programs.  The group included parish nurses, chaplains, clergy, pastoral care nurses, health ministers, addiction specialists, and others committed to a wholistic approach to health and wellness in a wide variety of contexts. Both last year, and this year, the conference included a special presentation by the Rev. John Sippola, one of the co-authors of a book entitled Welcome Them Home, Help Them Heal, an outstanding text about caring for veterans and their families.    (Learn more about the book at http://welcomethemhomebook.com/?page_id=16)  . One of the unique contributions of this book is its focus on how war impacts the soul of a veteran.  In honor of Memorial Day, I want to share with you a few things I have learned from John in hopes that it will help us all more fully appreciate the sacrifices that veterans make on our behalf.

The way any of us make sense of our lives is grounded in our faith and/or our spirituality.  Our faith and spirituality ground our sense of meaning in life as well as how we make moral and ethical decisions.  When life is going along in a “normal” and predictable manner this usually works just fine for us.  When life gets  complicated though, when trauma or loss come unexpectedly, when people around us behave in ways that are immoral and seemingly evil, then suddenly we may find that our faith and spirituality no longer “hold” our life together in the same way.  John Sippola and the other authors of Welcome Them Home, Help Them Heal, have a name that for what happens when a person's soul is afflicted by such trauma--they say that such a person has suffered a moral injury.

According to the Veteran's Administration, “events are considered morally injurious if they ‘transgress deeply held moral beliefs and expectations.'"  (You can leam more at http://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/pages/moral_injury_at_war.asp).  While moral injuries can affect anyone, clearly veterans are at a higher risk for such injuries because of the trauma to which they have been exposed.

Much has been written about caring for the physical and emotional wellness of veterans and so now it is good to see that the spiritual wellness of veterans is being take seriously, too.  And when it comes to the spiritual wellness of veterans you and I have a very important role to play--a point made very strongly by the authors of, “Welcome Them Home, Help Them Heal.”  When a person has a wounded soul and is suffering from moral injury, they will most likely isolate themselves and pull away from others out of a sense of shame and guilt.  Such a person needs us as individuals, families, neighbors, and faith communities to reach out to them, to let them know how much we appreciate their service and to give them an accepting place to talk about what they have experienced.  This reaching out is what helps veterans, or any one with a wounded soul, to heal--one conversation at a time.

Memorial Day began as a day to remember those who have given the ultimate sacrifice of their lives for our country.  Today we can also expand its meaning to include those who have given a part of their soul to serve a greater good.  It is also a good time to remember the important part we play in welcoming veterans back into our families and communities.  For when we truly welcome them home in the widest sense, we help them heal, and we continue to heal as well, making the entire community stronger as a result.

Celebrating With Our Graduates

America has always greatly valued individualism. Self-made women and men are applauded in our culture. "I Did It My Way," could well be the anthem for American individualism. As important as autonomy and individual achievement are though, true wellness and wholeness is also equally dependent on the strength of the communities that surround and support all individuals. This dynamic interplay between the role of the individual and the role of the community and how they both affect a person's wellness is seen quite clearly in the annual rituals surrounding school graduation ceremonies that many of us attend this time of year. The individual achievement of the graduate is what is being honored and celebrated first and foremost at every graduation. The graduate has spent years doing the work necessary to meet the standards required for graduation and they have rightfully earned the praise of others as they walk across the stage, one by one, to receive their diploma, the symbol of their individual achievement.

At the same time as the individual graduate's accomplishments are being celebrated at a graduation ceremony, the communal aspects of the graduate's life are also being acknowledged and celebrated. Every graduation ceremony includes at least three primary communities whose support have made the graduate's individual achievement possible. These three communities are the communities of family, friends and fellow students, and the academic community of the school itself--the teachers and administrators. As the graduate walks across the stage each of these important communities is feeling something different, but each knows that all three have played an important part in making that moment a reality. Each group can be proud of, and celebrate the vital role they have played in the life of the student. None of them could have supported the student and helped him or her to this point all on their own.

The Living Compass Wellness Initiative has a saying that captures all of this: We believe that individual wellness is an oxymoron. None of us can be fully well or whole simply by ourselves or through our own efforts. Our full wellness and wholeness must also be grounded in, and flow from, our spiritual and communal connections. No matter our age or stage of life, we are wise to nurture both the individual and communal aspects of our wellness. It's not possible to do it alone.

The reflexive relationship that is evident at graduations between individual and communal wellness is something that applies to each of our lives. Perhaps graduation ceremonies can serve as reminders for all of us that our wellness is determined by both the individual choices we make and by the communities in which we live and love. Most approaches to wellness do a wonderful job of stressing the importance of individual choices in creating wellness. We are also wise to remember, as well, the essential role that family, friends, faith communities, work communities, and neighborhoods play in nurturing and creating our wellness.

So as we pause to celebrate the individual achievements of the all the graduates this time of year, let us also remember be sure to celebrate the loving communities that have made their individual achievements possible.

Momisms

Two years ago, in honor of Mother's Day,  I wrote my Weekly Words of Wellness column about “momisms.”  This week several people asked me if I would please write about momisms again this year and several readers even sent me some of their favorite words of wisdom that they heard from their moms through the years.  I have included several of these new additions here.  My friend and author, Ann Stratton, wrote a similar column about her mom's favorite sayings, which I highly recommend.  You can find her column at http://aystratton.com. A momism is any of a wide variety of pithy, wise statements of advice and warning that all mothers seem to have stored in their collective memories, available to be pulled out and used at just the right moment.  Below you will find some of the all time favorite momisms, followed by a brief reflection on how each of these sayings offer us some insight into the deeper principles about personal and family wellness that our mothers were in fact teaching us--even if they didn't know it at the time!  The momism appears in quotes, followed by the expanded personal/family wellness principle being taught, in italics.

• “If you keep making faces like that (or crossing your eyes), one of these days they are just going to stay like that!”  Over time, the little choices we make turn into habits, which then become very hard to break or unlearn.  We create the patterns in our lives, and then the patterns create us.

• “For a friend in need, say a prayer and roast a chicken.”  Our spirituality is expressed well in our prayers, but it is expressed equally well by providing concrete, practical support for a friend in need.

• “If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!”  Words create worlds.  Our words have the power to build up or break down the people we love.

• “Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you!”  Stay connected to those you love, even when you disagree--or especially when you disagree.  

• “How do you know you don't like it when you haven't even tasted it?!”  Be open to trying new things, to tasting new experiences for yourself and in your relationships.  

• “If everyone else jumped off cliff, would you have to do it to?”  Be an individual who lives life from the “inside out,” aligned with your core values and beliefs, not overly influenced by the dominant culture.

• “I don't care who started it, I want it stopped, now!”  It's not about being “right” when you are in conflict with someone, it's about staying in right relationship with them.

• “Don't use that tone with me!”  Words said with a harsh tone will escalate a conflict.  The same words, said with a soft tone, will maximize our chances of resolving a conflict.  Say what you mean.  Mean what you say.  But don't say it mean.

• “I don't know is not an answer!”  Choosing to “hide” by pretending not to know what you are really thinking or feeling will always lead to more problems later on.\

• “I see everything because I have eyes in the back of my head!  (Or I hear everything because I have ‘mother hearing').  We may think we can keep secrets from those we are closest to, but we cannot.  The truth always comes out.

• “You know, money doesn't grow on trees!”  Our well being, and the well being of our relationships, must be earned over time through the day to day small choices we make.

• “No matter what you do, I will always be your Mother, and I will always love you.”  Unconditional love is the single most powerful determinant of personal and family wellness.

A special thanks to our mothers for teaching us all that we needed to know to be well!

And to all the women in our lives, who bless us with their love and guidance, Happy Mother's Day. ***Do you have a favorite momism that I left out?  Please feel free to email them to me at scott@livingcompass.org.