The Best Valentine's Gift of All

It is estimated that 18 billion dollars will be spent on Valentine's Day this year.  This  figure includes 4 billion dollars on flowers, 4 billion dollars on jewelry, and 3.6 billion dollars on dining out.  The other, a bit over 6 million dollars, includes candy, cards, and other gifts.  While I'm no Scrooge when it comes to Valentine's Day, I would like to suggest another gift that we can give someone we love.  This gift is priceless yet costs nothing and we can give it to any one we love at any time.  It is the gift of listening.Roy and Dorothy Fleming have given the gift of listening to each other day in and day out, throughout their 80 years of marriage.   That's right, 80 years.  Roy was 20 and Dorothy was 15 when they married in Milwaukee on February 6, 1932.  They were featured in an article in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel this past week and you can read all about their relationship here:  http://www.jsonline.com/news/milwaukee/couple-celebrates-80-years-of-compromising-qu43ef7-138829074.html

One of the attributes that Ray says was most attractive to Dorothy when they met was that he was a good listener.  Apparently Ray's ability to listen was genuine because it has lasted all of these years.  Dorothy said that the true reason for their 80 years of happiness is that they have both always been good at compromising.  In order to be good at compromising both people have to work at listening.  Compromise can only be created when both people have worked to listen to what their partner truly needs and wants and are willing to bend. One way to think about how wonderful it feels to have someone give us the gift of listening is to reflect on how bad the opposite experience feels.  Have you ever found yourself talking with a person in a crowded room only to realize that the person you are talking with is looking over your shoulder wondering who they are going to talk with next?  They are clearly not listening to you and there are few experiences that feel worse.

  We have just the opposite experience when someone gives us their full attention.  We feel appreciated and valued when someone really listens to us.  The most important quality of good listeners is that they listen not just with their heads, but they listen with their hearts and souls.  They listen to what you are not saying as much as to what you are saying.  They listen to the feelings and longings behind your words, and never judge you for what you are thinking or feeling.

  You cannot find the gift of listening online or at a store.  You can however find it in your heart, and you can choose to give it to everyone you love this time of year.  We may not have many relationships in our lives that will last  80 years like that of Roy and Dorothy Fleming, but we can be assured that the important relationships that we do have will be happier and more life giving if we truly work to listen to each other each day. Happy Valentines Day to all of you.

Love and Delight

This photo has been circulating online the last several weeks.  As people have seen the photo they have been offering a caption or a quote that comes to mind.  When I first saw this photo, two quotes immediately came to mind for me.  The first  is from one of my favorite songs, “Simple Gifts.”“And when we find ourselves in the place just right,

It will be in the valley of love and delight.” The other quote that came to mind is from the book of Proverbs: “A cheerful heart is a good medicine,

but a downcast spirit dries up the bones.” May this photo cheer up you heart, and may it help you to both experience and express love and delight in your corner of the world.

Is there a quote or caption that comes to mind when you see this photo?  If so, please let us know, and we'll share them in next week's column.

The Healing Power of Community

My entire professional career has focussed on healing. As a therapist, spiritual director and pastor, I have been honored to walk with thousands of individuals, couples and families on their journeys of healing. I know first hand the healing power of a counseling relationship as well as the healing power of small groups. This past week I had a unique opportunity to witness another level, another dimension of healing, and I would like to share, as well as recommend, my experience with you. My wife and I spent the last week with the good people of Trinity-by-the-Cove Episcopal Church in Naples, Florida where we had been invited to share part of our Living Compass program. Trinity-by-the-Cove is a thriving congregation, in no small part due to its rector, The Rev. Michael Basden, who has served the parish since 1999. The average Sunday attendance is strong year round, doubling in the "high season," January through April, as snowbirds from the north arrive to enjoy the Florida sun.

Several of the programs that we offered while we were at Trinity-by-the-Cove focused on helping people to maintain wellness and wholeness in the midst of a major loss or transition. Talking with the people who are participating in these programs gave us the chance to hear first hand reports of what has and is helping people heal, and what has and is giving them hope and strength to persevere in the midst of tough times.

When people shared regarding what had been significantly helpful as they worked through a loss or transition, we heard an array of things we might of expected. Many people spoke about the importance of family and friends. Others spoke about the importance of healing "professionals"--doctors, clergy, therapists and nurses. Still others spoke about the importance of support groups. And then there was one other very important instrument of healing that each person talked about, and that is the healing power of community.

It was inspiring to hear so many stories of what the power of community meant to the members of their church, Trinity-by-the-Cove. The stories were simple, but profound. "My church is my touchstone as I work through my grief. Seeing my friends each week at worship, at coffee hour or at Bible Study on Wednesday makes all the difference in my life." Another person shared, "So much has changed in my life in the last five years, but my church remains the constant in my life." And another commented, "The meals, the phone calls, the rides, the visits, the pastoral care, and the prayers have been a life saver for me."

In a culture that has so professionalized healing, it is easy to overlook the simple, healing power of community. I, for one, needed this reminder and am grateful to the people of Trinity-by-the-Cove for not just telling me about the healing power of community, but for showing it to me first hand.

Presenteeism

I live in Wisconsin and all across our state this past Sunday afternoon you could sense the collective frustration as the Green Bay Packers lost their first round playoff game, a game they were heavily favored to win.  The Packers went into that game against the New York Giants as the defending Super Bowl champions with the best regular season record of any team in the National Football League.  Fans were already looking forward to the Packers playing in the NFC title game the following week and many had made Super Bowl plans to celebrate a second consecutive Super Bowl Title. The pain of the fans regarding the Packer's loss was not just that they did not expect it to happen.  It was due to the fact that the game was not even close.  The Giants completely outplayed the heavily favored Packers.  The comments that I heard and read most frequently this past week from fans and sportswriters alike were that,  “The Packer's just never showed up.”  Others lamented that, “The Packer's were a ‘no show' for their first round playoff game,” and some even said “The Packers were ‘missing in action.'”  The contrast between their playoff performance and how fully present they had been from most every other game this season was dramatic.

There is a relatively new concept from the field of workplace wellness that would seem to describe the Packer's performance this past Sunday.  The concept is “presenteeism”, and it is a cousin to the concept of absenteeism.  Absenteeism in the workplace means that the person does not physically show up for  work.  Presenteeism in the workplace instead means that an employee is present in the workplace, but something is causing them to not be “all there” and so their work is being performed at a subpar level.  Of course, any of us can suffer from some degree of presenteeism on any given day.  Fortunately for us though, unlike what happened to the Packers last week, there aren't fifty million people witnessing our subpar performance.

So far the concept of presenteeism has only been researched in the area of workplace wellness.  I have been doing some additional thinking though about how presenteeism can show up in the area of family wellness.  What happens when parents are physically present with their children, but are not “all there?”  What happens when spouses are physically present in the same home, but are emotionally a thousand miles apart?  How present can a person be to family and/or friends when they are chronically stressed, or when they are exhausted from being over-scheduled? What about when they are not “all there” because of their patterns of alcohol or drug use?

The costs of presenteeism in the work place are usually considered economic.  The costs of presenteeism in terms of personal and family wellness, however, could be additionally increased anxiety, hurt feelings, conflict, depression, diminished or broken relationships and an overall lack of vitality and wellness.  Understanding the seriousness of chronic presenteeism in terms of family wellness is something we would all be wise to take a look at in our lives.

LIke the Packers, or for that matter any sports team or athletes, we will all have our off days, days when we just aren't “all there,” but if you find that you are having more of those days than you are comfortable with, hit the pause button and take some time to reflect on what might need to change in your life.  Start making those changes today and soon you will find yourself being more present to those around you, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well.

Vocational Wellness

At Living Compass we support people as they work on “whole-person” wellness, which means that we help them address wellness in all dimensions of their lives.  This includes vocational wellness--something you may not have heard of before. The word vocation comes from the same word as vocal, or voice.  A vocation then can be thought of in two ways that are related to this root meaning of voice.  The first meaning is that discovering our vocation is the process of discovering our voice in the world.  Whenever we take on a new role in life, it is natural for us to imitate others who have fulfilled that role before us.  As we get more comfortable with the role though, we begin to find and develop our own voice.  Developing our own unique voice in the world is one aspect of vocational wellness.

  The second meaning of vocation as it relates to its root meaning of voice is that our true vocation in life is found by listening to what it is we are called to be or do in life.  What is the voice of the One who has created us calling us to be or to become?  This requires that we spend time listening and discerning that voice and then being willing to act on what we hear.   We are most aligned with this voice when are are living from the place of our deepest passions and concerns.

  All of this is brought together in a quote by Richard Bolles, the author of What Color is Your Parachute?  He writes that our vocation, our purpose in life, “can be found where our deepest passions and gifts intersect with the worlds needs.”  While this is an ideal that for most of us is perhaps never full attain, it is a wonderful way to describe what we are striving for when it comes to vocational wellness.

  Your vocation may or may not overlap with your job.  Your vocation may be more fully expressed through volunteer service, or through your relationships with your family, friends, neighbors and/or faith community.  Once we have a clear sense of our vocation, we will find ways to express it in many creative ways, not so much because we are trying to do so, but because we cannot help but do so.

  Martin Luther King Day will be celebrated this Monday.  This day celebrates a man who clearly discovered and lived fully into his vocation.  He responded to a greater call and found the place where his deepest passions and gifts intersected with what the world needed at the time that he lived.

  Of course, none of us are called to be Martin Luther King.  We are instead called to live fully into the unique person that God has called and gifted each of us to be.  May the life of the Rev. Dr. King inspire each of us to find that place where our deepest passions and gifts intersect with the needs of our small corner of the world.