The Grass is Always Greener...

My wife and I are both marriage therapists and we have a favorite saying that we share whenever we do a marriage education class:  the grass is always greener where you water it.   This saying actually applies not just to marriage, but to all areas of our lives:  jobs, parenting, friendships, physical wellness, and of course lawn care! This week we learned that Al and Tipper Gore are divorcing after forty years of marriage.  Apparently they both came to the conclusion that their marriage had become a fence that was holding them back from something greener, something better on the other side.  They came to the conclusion that live would be greener on the other side of the fence.  I have no intention of joining all those who are trying to speculate on the "real" reasons for their break up.  I do know this though about all marriages:  like a garden, they require ongoing watering and weeding.  It is easy to recognize gardens and marriages that are being watered and cared for on a regular basis.

If you wished to become a master gardner, a master at growing plants, you would no doubt read books, take classes and talk to others you could learn from.  That approach also works well for those who want to become a master at "growing their marriages" as well.  And speaking of books, let me recommend a relatively new one called The New Rules of Marriage:  What You Need to Know to Make Love Work, by Terrence Real.

Below you will find a quick summary of his thoughts on the five things that build up a relationship and the five things that break relationships apart.  He calls these the five "losing strategies" and the five "winning strategies."  While he is writing about marriage, it really applies to all the important relationships in our lives.

The Five Losing Strategies

• Needing to be right
• Controlling your partner
• Unbridled self-expression
• Retaliation
• Withdrawal

The Five Winning Strategies

• Shifting from complaint to request
• Speaking out with love and savvy
• Responding with generosity
• Empowering each other
• Cherishing

I highly recommend the book to anyone who wants to grow and co-create better relationships in their lives.  Getting new input on a regular basis is vital for growers of plants and growers of relationships.  That's the first step.  The second step is then doing the work!

Remember, the grass is always greener when and where you water it!

Commencement Exercises

Most of us know someone who is graduating this time of year.  Perhaps we will be attending a graduation ceremony, or reading a famous person’s commencement address, or reflecting back to our own graduations. The fact that graduations are called commencements has always caught my attention.  Calling them commencement ceremonies makes it clear that every ending is also a beginning.  To quote the song, “Closing Time,” by Semisonic, “every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.”  (If you’ve never heard of this song, ask someone who is graduating about it!)

There is another term related to graduation and commencement ceremonies that truly captures what is happening in those moments,  and at the same time has a great message for all of us, whether we are graduates or not.  Commencement ceremonies are also referred to as commencement exercises, as in “the 165th Commencement Exercises for the University of _______ will be held.....”

I love the phrase “commencement exercises” because it makes it clear that beginning something new takes effort!  Like all forms of exercise, beginning something new takes discipline, commitment, and intentional effort over a prolonged period of time.  The rewards from such exercise may not be apparent immediately, or even in the short term, but over time, regular exercise will always make a marked difference our lives.

In honor of all who will be participating in official commencement exercises this year, I’d like to offer a suggestion for the rest of us.  Why not think about creating a commencement exercise for yourself right now?  Is there something new that you would like to do to increase wellness in some aspect of your life?  Would you like to start a new hobby, a new workout program, a new activity with someone you love?  Would you like to learn a foreign language, or start a new garden, or start a new spiritual practice or routine?

Creating commencement exercises on a regular basis is a good thing!  It strengthens the muscles we need for negotiating transitions and helps us to thrive.  Commencement exercises keep us strong in body, mind and spirit.

So as we celebrate and honor all who are participating in commencement exercises, I hope we all will think about creating a few commencement exercises of our own.

Response Ability

Does anyone else find the term “oil spill” just a tad weak for what is happening in the Gulf of Mexico? I use the word “spill’ when I knock over a glass of milk or a cup of coffee. I think “oil explosion catastrophe” might be more accurate for what began on April 20th and continues today. Given the enormity of this disaster, it is not surprising that there has been plenty of blame to go around for who is at fault for this mess. Here is an excerpt from an article on CNN’s website today: “The companies (British Petroleum, Transocean, and Halliburton( blamed each other. BP pointed to Transocean, which said BP was responsible for the wellhead's design and Halliburton was responsible for the cement finishing work. Halliburton, in turn, said that its workers were just following BP's orders, but that Transocean was responsible for maintaining the rig's blowout preventer.” Well that certainly clarifies things!

I think it is human nature--and not the best part of our human nature--that leads us to want to point fault at someone else when we find ourselves involved in a situation that is going poorly. What three year old, when “caught” by mom or dad in the midst of an escalating fight with a sibling or friend, stops and says, “you know mom/dad, I need to take responsibility for my part of this problem.” Quite the opposite. For toddlers and adults alike, the first reaction is likely to be some version of “well he/she started it--I was only reacting to what was happening.”

“I was only reacting to.........” is a comment I hear a great deal in my counseling and coaching sessions. “Yes, what I said or did may have been out of control, but I was only reacting to ...... his/her constant criticism.....my teen’s insolent attitude......my toddler’s tantrum.....the angry email they sent me.....” “He/She/They started it!”

There is very important difference between reacting and responding to a difficult situation. When we react, we usually feel out of control, and that is why we say the other person is to blame for our reaction. Responding is different than reacting. It involves our being able to choose the response we wish to make. This ability to choose our response is how I think of the word “responsibility.” A person with a high degree of emotional and spiritual wellness, has available to them a wide variety of responses from which they can choose when they find themselves in complex and tense situations. The opposite of this is the “reactor,” who typically can only blame or counterattack.

I have no idea who bears or shares responsibility for the Gulf of Mexico oil mess. I know this, though: I share responsibility for every emotional mess, every “emotional spill” I have ever found myself being a part of in my personal or work life. After all, the common denominator in all of those “spills” is me! I still have a long way to go, but coming to this realization many years ago was the first step for me in becoming more responsible, giving me greater “response ability” in difficult situations.

Big Shoes To Fill

I went to see Jakob Dylan in concert last night.  You may not be familiar with him, but you have probably heard of his father.   I have seen Bob Dylan in concert numerous times, but this was the first time seeing Jakob.  Jakob just released his second solo album and it is clear that he is really finding his own style and his own voice.  Here is a link to the song that he opened the concert with last night, “Nothing But The Whole Wide World.”  It is also the opening song on his new album:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ueRW-U3PPeM&feature=related

The biggest challenge for Jakob Dylan has been to get people to stop comparing him to his father.  I wonder how many times he has had to endure someone saying, “you know, you have some big shoes to fill.”  That statement has been said to me several times in my own life and I have never liked it.  It was probably said to inspire me, but it always made me feel like the person was really skeptical about whether I could fulfill the role in the way they were expecting me to do so.

Several years ago I was called to be the pastor of a church and I knew I was following a strong, successful leader.  In fact, during the interview process, I was told several times that I would have some big shoes to fill if I got the job.  After I was called to the position, I heard that statement several more times, and so I decided to address it directly in my first sermon.  I said to the congregation on my first Sunday, “I do have some big shoes to fill around here--my own.  And those are the hardest shoes of all for any of us to fill.”

Along with Jakob Dylan, you and I do have big shoes to fill--our own.  We do that by being the best, brightest and fullest version of ourselves that we can be.  Jakob Dylan’s goals isn’t to write and sings songs so that he can sound like his father, but to write and sing songs that express his own unique voice and perspective.  Each of us is an experiment of one, with our own unique set of gifts, talent and energy.  When we are fully authentic and alive to our own unique passions and gifts, both we, and everyone else around us, can feel that energy, because it’s contagious. On the other hand, when we are instead trying to be like someone else, or trying to be someone that we think others want us to be, our energy will be just the opposite as we become tired and depressed.

A story is told of a student who said to her wise teacher, “I want to make a difference in the world--what does the world need me to do?”  The teacher responded, “do what makes you feel most alive, because the world needs more people that are fully alive.”  One of the lyrics in the Jakob Dylan song that I provided the link to above talks about how God wants “nothing but the whole wide world for us.”  I could not agree more.  God wants nothing more than for us to be fully alive, filling our own shoes, the shoes that He has given us to fill.

Emotional Cutoffs

In my work as a Marriage and Family Therapist I sometimes deal with what are known as “emotional cutoffs.”   Emotional cutoffs are not the latest summer fashion, but are something that can occurs when conflict between two people--it could be family members, friends or colleagues--has become so volatile that they simply stop talking to each other and hardly even acknowledge that the other exists.  The “emotional cutoff” can last for years or decades, and even get passed on from one generation to another.  

The tension that leads to such an “emotional cutoff” usually builds for some time, but the final blow that creates the cutoff is usually some incident where one of the parties has finally had it and loses all control of their anger and just “goes off” on the other person.  They literally spew years of built up anger and hurt, and in the process create irreparable hurt in the relationship.  This spewing is not unlike the recent spewing of the Eyjafjallajokull volcano in Iceland.

This whole volcano incident is what has me thinking about emotional cutoffs.  Like emotional cutoffs, volcano eruptions occur in all different degrees and intensity, as well as the damage they cause.  The current volcano eruption in Iceland has paralyzed hundreds of thousands of people, leaving them isolated, alone, unable to connect with loved ones and unable to move from where they are.

The spewing of ashes, like the spewing of emotions, never leads to something positive.  Things become much less clear after spewing. I just read an article that said one concern in Iceland right now is that whenever one volcano erupts, the history has been that this often triggers other eruptions of nearby volcanos. How true this can be in relationships as well!  Spewing is indeed contagious.

So what are the alternatives?  Regarding volcanos, there probably aren’t any--they don’t exactly have the ability to make conscious decisions to do something different.  Regarding relationships, there are always other, better options.  You and I do have the ability to make conscious decisions about how to express our hurt and anger.  Scripture says, “Be angry, but do not sin.”  I take this to mean that there is an important difference between the feeling of anger--or hurt (which is almost always hiding under the cover of anger)--and its expression.  Feelings are neutral; behaviors--what we do with our feelings--are not.

When you first feel hurt or anger towards someone you care about, make the decision to talk about it with them right away.  Avoid self-righteousness and bring it up in a way that respects that they have their own version, their own experience of what has happened.  After you have spoken, be prepared to really listen to their side of things.    This listening sounds easy in theory, but because most of us dislike conflict and work to avoid it, we often avoid having the conversations we need to have when tension is first felt in a relationship.

I just read the following on a U.S. Geology Service website:  “Removing, transporting, and disposing volcanic ash is a dirty, time-consuming, and costly challenge.”  I have no experience with cleaning up the fallout of volcanic ash, but I’m sure this information is true.  I do have plenty of experience helping people clean up the fallout from “emotional volcanic ash” and I can assure you it is just as dirty, time-consuming and costly.  While there is nothing we can do to stop geological volcanoes, we absolutely can--and must--do all that we are able to do to prevent emotional volcanoes in ourselves in those around us.  The cost and cleanup are simply far too high.