The Ground Begins to Soften

This is indeed a holy week as Jews celebrate Passover and Christians celebrate Easter.  Both holidays (holy days) are a celebration of new beginnings, of movement from bondage to freedom, from death to life.  All around us this time of year, there are abundant signs of rebirth:  buds on the trees, robins returning, and bunnies and eggs every where we turn. For me though, there is always a sign that is a more meaningful indicator of new life this time of year, and that is that the ground begins to soften. First the snow melts, and then gradually the ground that has been hidden all winter begins to soften.  

I love being able to move my runs off the concrete sidewalks and on to the soft earth which provides welcome cushioning to my aching back.  Softening ground is wet ground this time of year and I love the squishing sound that my shoes make with every step I take.  The softer ground means that soccer season, and baseball season are not far away, and also that the grass will soon turn green and flowers will begin to emerge.   The softer earth gives rise to so many miraculous expressions of new life.  Soft ground will probably never replace bunnies and eggs as a sign of new life.  It's hard to imagine how Hallmark or Walgreen's could market the image of the ground softening.  But I offer you this image because I think it such a great metaphor for what real resurrection, what real escape from bondage looks and feels like.

I know because I see it in my office every day, in my work as a pastor and a therapist.   People usually come to see me because life has become hard for them.  Literally.  They come in with hearts, minds, souls and even bodies that have become hardened and rigid.  They come alone or they come with their loved one or they bring their whole family because everyone has become hardened to each other.  This hardness is usually the result of frozen sadness or hurt, or unresolved conflict or grief and the hardness has built up over a long period of time. Why have they come?  Because deep down, they don't want to be hard-hearted, or hard-minded, or hard-spirited, towards themselves or towards the people they love most.  Deep down, a small, still voice longs for something different.  And because they are willing to listen to this longing, slowly, imperceptibly at first, a miracle begins to happen.  The ground begins to soften.  And just as when the earth begins to soften, when the heart/mind/soul begins to soften there is lots of moisture, lots of tears.    The softening heart/mind/soul, just like the softening earth, soon gives rise to all kinds of miraculous new life.  People forgive each other and they forgive themselves.  People touch and hug and make love who haven't done so for a long time.  There is laughter where once there was criticism.  There is joy where there once was shame and guilt.  There is freedom where there once was bondage.  There is life where there once was death.

Whether you celebrate Easter, Passover or simply the new life that is Spring, my wish for you is the abundance of new life that comes when that which has been hardened begins to soften.

P.S.  Last week I wrote about the importance of timeouts.  I will be on vacation next week, taking a timeout, and so the Weekly Words of Wellness will return the following week.

The Importance of Timeouts

I've been watching a lot of college basketball recently as the NCAA men's tournament is in full swing and I have been reminded of two very important lessons that I'd like to share with you.  First, I have been reminded of how impossible it is to predict the future, no matter how sure you just "know" what is going to happen.  I just knew Kansas was going to win it all--I would have put money on that "fact"--wait, I DID put money on that "fact"!   My NCAA brackets have never been so broken after just two rounds--a great lesson in humility. The other lesson for me this year is the importance of a well-timed timeout.  Timeouts are a very important part of a coach's strategy and the art of knowing when to call one is a gift that great coaches possess.  So what constitutes a well-timed timeout?  It seems that there are two clear cases when a timeout is most effective.  The first is when the game is suddenly getting out of had and your team is on the edge of falling apart.  The other team has just scored eight unanswered points and your team is flustered having just made its second unforced turnover.  A timeout gives the coach a chance to help his team regroup.

The second occasion that calls for a timeout, is when your team has a really important play that is has to make.  There's ten seconds left in the half or the game and the score is tied.  A time out by either coach will help their team prepare their best play, or their best defense.  A timeout helps them be able to prepare and be sure that they are in sync so that the can make their best effort.

The importance of a well-timed timeout is as essential to our own personal and family wellness as it is to a winning basketball team.  And the best times for these timeouts is very similar.  Whenever you find yourself getting flustered or falling apart because life is getting out of had, it's a great time to call a timeout:   A parent who is stressed out by their kids and is about to say something they are really going to regret, needs a timeout (kids aren't the only ones that need be given timeouts--sometimes parents need to give a timeout to themselves.)    A couple who find themselves flooded with emotion as a fight is escalating needs a timeout.  This kind of timeout does not ignore the conflict, but gives the couple a chance to calm down and reengage each other with cooler heads and softer hearts.    A family that is going 90 miles an hour in five different directions needs a timeout just to have time to slow down, reconnect and remind one another of the priority of family.

Timeouts are also essential for our personal and family life when we need to plan for special times:  vacations, holidays, family celebrations, or an important transition or decision.  The purpose of these timeouts is to pause long enough so that an intentional game plan can be developed to maximize the enjoyment of the upcoming event or decision.  It is also a time to get the whole "team" on board with the plan and if necessary to make changes to the plan to get everyone's full commitment.  Special occasions in our lives call for special time to plan for them and be intentional as we move in to them.

A basketball coach has a limited number of timeouts he/she can call each game..  The good news for us is that we have no such limits.  As the coaches of our own lives and as the coaches of our families, we are free to call as many timeouts as we need.  The important thing is realize when the need is there and then to not hesitate to make the call.

Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes

Alcoholics Anonymous has many sayings.  My friends who are active in AA tell me that the one that has meant the most to them through the years is “nothing changes if nothing changes.”  Like many wise sayings, on the surface it seems so obvious, even trite, but after you let it sink in for a while its wisdom begins to work on you. The wisdom of this saying is the fact that it addresses the disconnect between one’s desire for change and one’s actions.  How many times have each of us desired some change (lose weight, spend more time with family, develop a spiritual practice, save more, get more organized) only to find months, even years go by, without any progress on making the change a reality.

Why the disconnect between intentions and actions?  Let’s turn to Sir Isaac Newton’s First Law of Motion to shed some light on this topic:  “Because of inertia, a body at rest remains at rest, and a body in motion continues moving in a straight line and at a constant speed, unless a force is applied to it.”  A simpler way to say that is “a body at rest tends to stay at rest and a body in motion tends to say in motion, unless some external force is applied.”  So that explains it!  Individuals, families and organizations that are “stuck” will stay “stuck” until some external force is applied.  Individuals, families and organizations that are growing and thriving will continue to thrive until some external force disrupts their momentum.

Combining the wisdom of AA and Sir Isaac Newton, here’s my recommendation for any person, family or organization that wants to change.  You must seek out and invite an outside force to help you change.  Along with AA, I recommend two outside forces:  God and other people.  First, ask for help from a Higher Power to fuel the change you seek.  Second, let others know about the change you seek.  Build a team of people to inspire you, cheer you on and help keep you accountable.   Recruit your friends and your family to help you.  Recruit a mentor, pastor, coach, consultant, support group or therapist to guide you.

Don’t go it alone.  Just like our president-elect is doing right now, build your own transition team to help you succeed in making the changes you desire.

Can We? Yes. Will We? Perhaps.

Personal Wellness At a dinner party I attended the other night a man was sharing a memory from 1960 when he was a young boy growing up in a small midwestern town.  He told us how the Protestant and Catholic boys in his neighborhood, influenced by the behavior of the adults around them, would openly mock each other.  Some days, they would even go as far as throwing rocks at each other, yelling insults like “Nixon lover” or “Kennedy lover.”  Such was the emotional climate over the election of a Roman Catholic to the presidency.

Fast forward forty-eight years and now we have a similar dynamic between the left and the right, liberals and conservatives in our culture.  During this election season that has just concluded, it’s not just boys this time, but adult men and women turning up the emotional volume as they hurl self-righteous insults at each other.  In the spirit of our new president-elect’s campaign theme, I ask the question, “Can we put down our verbal rocks and come together for the higher good of our country, our communities, our schools, our armed forces and our families?”  The answer of course is “Yes, we can.”  Will we?  Perhaps, but I sure hope so.

So what does all of this have to do with personal wellness?  I believe that one of the essential qualities of emotional and spiritual wellness is the capacity to see and to celebrate the good in each and every person.  Every person contains a “spark of divinity” as the Quakers say.   No matter how I strongly I disagree with the position a person may take on the economy, the war, abortion or social justice issues, that person is much more important than their position.  Mature, spirited discourse around differences of opinion will enhance our  growth and our personal wellness.   Immature rock throwing or name calling are signs of a lack of personal wellness.  Like you, I am capable of both.  I deeply regret some of the political emails I forwarded to friends in the last month because their sole intent was to make fun of a candidate and not to further meaningful dialogue on important issues.  May we each of us seek to act out of our best selves as we work together to serve the higher Good that unites us all.

Couple, Family and Organizational Wellness

The quality of emotional and spiritual wellness in a couple, family, church or organization is highly correlated to its capacity to manage differences, especially differences that have a high degree of emotional energy.  In families these could be issues like money, religion, parenting styles, politics and sexuality.  In churches these could be issues like money, worship style (including music), stances on “hot-button” social issues and feelings about change in general.

Note that I said that wellness is correlated with the ability to “manage” differences.  Signifiant differences within families or congregations are rarely resolved once and for all.   If we were to leave to join a new family or congregations we would simply have a different set of differences to learn how to manage.

Taking responsibility for our own actions as described above, and focusing on the higher Good that truly unites us couples, families or congregations, will go a long way to improving the emotional and spiritual wellness of each and every one of us.  I have found also that it even improves the physical wellness of my right arm, which always gets sore and stiff after too much rock throwing.

TRICK or TREAT Just for Halloween

Personal Wellness The words “trick or treat” will be uttered by millions of children all over the world this week and so it got be to thinking about what how these words might apply to the topic of wellness.  When it comes to personal wellness it seems to me that “trick or treat” can represent two very different ways that we see life, two different world views.  The reality of course is that life presents us with both tricks and treats, hard times and wonderful times.  But I think deep down we each make a decision about which view of life will become our primary orientation, the primary lens through which we see life.  And that choice makes a world of difference in our personal wellness.

Couple Wellness

When a child knocks on your door and says the words “trick or treat” they of course open up their bag or pillow case anticipating that they will be receiving a delightful treat.  In our relationships with our partners we do something similar:  we open up our hearts and souls to each other, anticipating that we will be treated with love and compassion.  Despite our best intentions though, we sometimes hurt each other, causing our partner to feel more tricked than well treated.  Healthy relationships recover quickly from such exchanges with the exchange of genuine apologies and genuine forgiveness.  If we don’t repair the hurt in a relationship, then over time we will stop opening our hearts and souls to each other.  If this describes you and your partner, I hope you will begin making amends today, and if necessary seek help to find how you can return to treating each other well.

Family Wellness

In any given extended family at any given time, people are going through different stages of life and are experiencing a variety of ups and downs.  Some are hurting and may be feeling tricked by life.  Some may feel like life is passing them by.  Others may be feeling that life could not be treating them better. If you are in the latter category, be sure that you are taking time to reach out to others in your family that may be hurting.  After all, that’s what families are for, and you never know when the roles might be reversed!   Happy Halloween, everyone.