The Gift We So Often Forget to Give Ourselves
The Wellness Compass Initiative is our partner community wellness initative that serves schools, counseling centers, nonprofits, universities, and other community wellness organizations. Each week Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner, who are both licensed marriage and family therapists, co- write a column for Wellness Compass and we are pleased to share it here on our Living Compass site. There is also a Wellness Compass podcast, where Scott and Holly elaborate on the topic of this column each week, at www.wellnesscompass.org/podcast. or in any podcast app (Apple, Google, Spotify, etc).
The Gift We So Often Forget to Give Ourselves
Two of the most important gifts we can offer ourselves—and ones that are often overlooked—are the practices of self-compassion and self-care. Kristin Neff, one of the leading experts in the self-compassion movement, offers a beautifully simple starting point: "Treat yourself as you would a good friend."
It sounds straightforward, yet for many of us it is surprisingly difficult. Those who are quite compassionate and caring with others can, perhaps surprisingly, be unduly hard on themselves, and tend to care for themselves last. Learning more about self-compassion has helped both of us enormously—and the research confirms we are not alone. Who doesn't have an inner critic?
The need for self-compassion and care is real for people of all ages. I, Holly, was recently at a mental health fair for teens, talking with them about Wellness Compass and mental health. Many shared how down on themselves they get when they don't perform well in school, sports, or other activities. Thoughts such as "I get really mad at myself when I don't do well" were common among them.
For young people especially, social media can significantly magnify feelings of self-criticism for an already vulnerable teen. Teaching young people mindful self-compassion and intentional self-care helps them quiet their inner critics and practice loving, accepting, and appreciating themselves for who they are. It also helps them normalize the natural ups and downs that people of all ages experience throughout life—and recognize that self-care isn't selfish.
We adults can benefit just as deeply from the practices of self-compassion and self-care. It’s so easy for to become so focused on caring for others that we neglect to turn that same care inward. And lest you think these practices are self-indulgent, they are not. They are, in fact, what makes sustained compassion for others possible.
If you would like to explore self-compassion further, we highly recommend watching this short video from self-compassion author, teacher, and researcher Kristin Neff. You can watch the video HERE.
Life is hard and uncertain for many right now, making this a good time to consider giving ourselves the gifts of both self-compassion and self-care
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