Feeling, Talking, and Trusting

Feeling, Talking, and Trusting

  This week is the twentieth anniversary of the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, something our country will never forget. I'm imagining that you may have had an experience similar to one I have had several times this week, that of finding yourself in a group of people, sharing where each person was and what they were doing on that fateful morning. The trauma caused by what happened fourteen years ago still affects us. Those who lost loved ones that day or those close to the trauma are, of course, most affected, but to some degree, all of us are still affected, which is why we find ourselves still talking about it. Anyone who has experienced trauma of any kind knows that healing always takes longer than expected. Those who have experienced trauma also know that when the anniversary of the trauma comes around, even fourteen years later, the waves of fear, anxiety, helplessness, and sadness will often return. This is not a bad thing, as it can provide an ideal time to talk again about the trauma, and talking about it is an essential key to healing.

 As a psychotherapist, I have had the opportunity to work with many trauma victims through the years. They have taught me that the three essential tasks that promote healing from any kind of trauma or loss are feeling, talking, and trusting. If you are striving to recover from any type of trauma, this is what you will want to do repeatedly, and if you are helping a friend or family member recover from trauma, you will serve them well by creating a safe space for them to feel, talk, and trust.

The feelings following trauma are overwhelming at first. They can come like waves that feel as though they threaten to drown the person who has experienced the trauma. The key to working through these intense feelings and beginning the healing process is to simply accept the feelings and let them flow. If the feelings are blocked, the healing is blocked. Feelings are never right or wrong, they just are, and they need to be expressed.

The next task involved in healing from trauma or loss is talking with others about what one has experienced. There are really only two choices here-we can either talk things out, or we can act them out. If we don't talk things out, we will likely act them out by being irritable, violent, withdrawing, or possibly turning to alcohol and other drugs. It may be helpful to remember that beneath much of the negative acting out behavior we see in the world is trauma or loss that has not been healed.

Feeling and talking are made possible when we have people in our lives that we can trust. We need to seek these people out if we are in recovery from trauma and avoid isolating from others-a common temptation when we are hurting. Finding a trusted person who will simply listen is key to healing any kind of trauma.

 When I work with people recovering from trauma, my task is simply to create a trusting space where they can feel and talk for as long and as often as they need to. You can create safe places for others as well by being available as an attentive listener for those around you who are hurting. Listening and not judging are key.

 Most of us know someone, maybe even ourselves, who has experienced some kind of traumatic loss. What would it take for us to help create places of trust for all of us to feel and talk? For those of us who are involved in faith communities, schools, community programs, etc. what would it take for us to create more places of trust, places where people who have experienced trauma could openly feel and talk things out, rather than acting them out?

 The waves of fear and sadness related to September 11, 2001, are diminished for most people, simply because time has passed. There is a saying that "time heals all wounds." By itself, this saying is incomplete, though. Healing does take time, but time alone does not heal all wounds. What does heal all wounds is feeling, talking, and trusting--again and again.
 

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Living in the Present Moment

Living in the Present Moment

  A core principle of centering practices, including mindfulness, meditation, and centering prayer, is focusing on the present moment. Concentrating on one’s breath or a centering word is often helpful to keep one’s mind from wandering. 

  I have had a mindfulness/centering prayer practice for many years, but it’s a challenge in all honesty. Sometimes I am very disciplined in practicing daily, and sometimes not. And I always struggle with my attention getting hijacked by a myriad of thoughts and concerns. 

  This summer, I have had the good fortune of spending some extended time with two of the most exceptional mindfulness teachers I have ever known. To be in their presence is to experience what it is like to be singularly focused on the present moment, free from all worries about the past or future. These two teachers are my seven and five-year-old grandsons, and when I am with them, I am aware of the Zen saying, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” I am grateful to have two such fun-loving, adorable teachers. 

  Here is an example of what I am learning from them. The other day I played a board game with the seven-year-old for over an hour. All he did for that entire time was play the game. I played the game the same amount of time, but here is a partial list of what I was doing during that same time: playing the game, worrying about a friend who is ill, thinking about five emails I needed to send and several more I needed to answer, rehashing a conversation I had with someone a few days earlier, and making a to-do list of various tasks I needed to complete later that day.

  When young children play a game, they are entirely invested in that present moment. That’s how they approach every activity, actually. Young children are so fully present in what they are doing that it is often hard for them to transition when an activity needs to end. On the other hand, adults seem to have the opposite problem—we are so good at multi-tasking and bouncing from one thing to another that we have difficulty being fully focused on doing just one thing. 

  I am now intentionally working on being less distracted and more fully present with my grandsons. With the help of my young teachers, I am making progress. I have also committed myself to extending my practice of being more fully present in my interactions with adults.

  You might want to give this a try yourself. First, notice how able you are to be fully present and free of distractions when you are with others. Without telling anyone, simply make the intention to be singularly focused with others and see what difference you (and maybe even they) notice.

  And if you think you might benefit from spending time with a wise meditation teacher, I hope there is a young child in your life that you will commit to spending some time with soon. 
 

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Life Long Learning

Life Long Learning

All across the country students have returned to school. Feelings of excitement mixed with a tinge of stress are ubiquitous for both children and their families, as the rhythms of summer are replaced by the rhythms of the school year. One question that is on the mind of every student, no matter their age, is "Who's my teacher going to be this year?"

     For most of the readers of this column, it's probably been a few years since you have started a new school year, but I would still like to invite you to think about this question, "Who are your teachers?" We may not be in school anymore, but we remain learners our whole lives. Life is our classroom, and the potential lessons are limitless. As you reflect on your own life right now, who are you learning from? What teacher or teachers are you seeking to learn from? What lessons do you want to learn from this teacher or teachers? There is an old saying that when the student is ready, the teacher will arise. What in life are you ready to learn right now? Who will you learn it from? 

     In this classroom called life, we are all students, and we are all teachers as we are all lifelong learners. We turn to our friends, family members, mentors, colleagues, pastors, rabbis, coaches, therapists, and others to be our teachers. And along the way, others turn to us to be their teachers as well. 

     We often turn to someone to be our teacher who has more experience in what it is we need to learn. This is frequently someone who has already been where we are going. A parent turns to other parents, especially those with more experience, to learn from their wisdom. A person struggling with a cancer diagnosis turns to other cancer survivors to learn from their life experience. A person wanting to deepen their spiritual life turns to their faith leader and members of their faith community to learn from and be inspired by their faith journeys. A person starting out in their career turns to a respected leader in their field. A singer turns to a voice teacher and joins a choir. A person wanting to start exercising takes a fitness class or joins a fitness club. A reader joins a book group. 

     When we were school children, we did not have a great deal to say about who our teachers were. As adults though, we get to choose who our teachers will be, knowing that there is always more for us to learn. To be a lifelong learner is to relish the fact that our awareness and consciousness are continually expanding. 

     So who are your teachers right now? As you think about who your teachers are right now, also think about whether you are looking for an additional teacher or perhaps an additional learning community at this point in your life. If so, this time of year is a great time to make a change.

     One of my primary teachers continues to be the author Richard Rohr. His writing has nourished and enriched my emotional and spiritual life for many years. His quote above is one small sample of his wisdom and is also a reminder that even life's toughest challenges can teach us valuable lessons. 

     And so to all the students out there, both young learners and lifelong learners, "Happy back to school!"

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Loosening Your Grip

Loosening Your Grip

Over the years, I have learned many important life lessons from riding a bike.  This past weekend I was reminded of a lesson that I would like to pass along to you.  The point of the lesson has to do with what at first seems like a paradox--something that is entirely counter-intuitive; one can work to be relaxed while stressed. 

Because I'm somewhat of a bike nerd, I love to read biking articles whenever I get a chance.  I read an article recently that provided the basis for the life lesson I learned last week on my bike.  This article said that many riders lose valuable energy during peak exertion, at the same time that they can least afford to lose any power.  The article pointed out that when a rider is straining their legs riding up a steep hill, the rider has a natural tendency to completely tense up their hands, arms, and upper body.  There is a tendency to grab the handlebars with much strength and thus tighten all the muscles in his or her 's arms and shoulders.  This tensing of the upper body does not translate into any increased output for the rider's legs, but rather it has the opposite effect.  Tension in the upper body drains energy from the lower body, where the power is needed most. 

The article went on to say that the art of riding well when a biker's legs are stressed is to keep the upper body relaxed and loose.  When I read this, I was intrigued.  I wondered if it was really possible to be relaxed and stressed at the same time.  I looked forward to trying out the idea, and that's what I did last week.  Sure enough, I naturally did exactly what the article said not to do.  Whenever I came to a hill or tried to accelerate quickly, I found that I immediately tensed my whole upper body--not just my arms and hands, but my teeth as well!  This reaction was automatic each time I exerted myself. 

I remembered the article I had read, and for the remainder of my ride, I tried to practice what I learned.  Each time I found myself straining my legs for either a hill or because I was increasing my speed, I worked hard to keep my hands, arms, and jaw relaxed.  I consciously deepened my breathing and loosened my grip on the handlebars.  I loosened my shoulders and jaw as well.  And guess what?  I could immediately feel a difference.  My legs felt stronger, and most importantly, I felt like I was riding more efficiently. I could truly feel a positive difference.  

I learned that if I consciously took the time to relax my upper body just before I began a steep climb up a hill, the climb was much more manageable. The application of my bike lesson to the rest of my life is perhaps obvious.  We all face stresses and obstacles. Like you, I have plenty of things that can be stressful in my life.  Sometimes the pace of my work gets very stressful.  Sometimes I have to have a stressful conversation with someone I care about.  Sometimes I get stressed worrying about someone I love.  In all of these situations, remembering to take some deep breaths and, at the same time to loosen my need to control the outcome of a situation has a very positive effect on how things go.  

Whenever I know I am about to enter a stressful situation, I always take a moment to take a deep breath and center myself.  It always helps me to approach the situation with greater calm and greater clarity.  In a sense, that's what I was doing on my bike this past weekend. 

I invite you to try this for yourself, whether on your bike or the next time you are about to enter a stressful situation in your life. Relax, loosen your grip, and just keep on pedaling.
 

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The Re-Creative Power of Nature

The Re-Creative Power of Nature

   In his book Last Child in the Woods, author Richard Louv coined a phrase that has stayed with me since I first heard it. In his book, he states that children are spending more and more time indoors and are thus suffering from what he describes as "Nature Deficit Disorder." There is plenty of data to back up Louv's claim that children are spending more time indoors. The American Pediatric Association recently reported that an average eight-year-old child in the United States spends eight hours a day in front of a screen (computer, mobile device, or television). The number increases to eleven hours a day for teens. Nature-Deficit Disorder is not a medical diagnosis but is a way to call attention to the fact that children often miss out on the whole-health (body, mind, and spirit) benefits of spending time outdoors. Apparently, Nature Deficit Disorder is not only affecting children. It seems that most everyone, when given a chance, retreats to nature for renewal. As I view emails and Facebook posts from countless friends who are taking a vacation now, I see that almost every one of my friends is choosing to spend a large portion of their vacation time doing something outdoors, away from screens. They are cherry-picking, mountain climbing, camping, kayaking, biking, golfing, hiking, fishing, spending time at the beach, going to summer camp, gardening, attending picnics, and enjoying countless other outside activities. People seem to be naturally aware of the therapeutic health benefits that come from spending time outdoors. I understand this myself, and thus my wife and I have just finalized our plans for a Canadian wilderness canoe trip in a few weeks.

  A friend of mine who is a grade school teacher loves to spend time in her garden, and when she is not in her garden, she is often biking, hiking, or kayaking. She is concerned about children experiencing Nature-Deficit Disorder, and so when I visited her classroom a while back, I was not surprised to see that there were many nature-themed posters on the walls. Each of the posters contained a motivational quote to inspire the children to spend time outside. Not being able to hold class outside, she had found a way to bring the lessons of nature indoors. I remember one poster of a large oak tree in particular, and I will close this week's column with the wisdom from this poster. The photo of the mature oak tree was stunning, and it drew you closer so that you could read this message that was the central focus of the poster. Here's what it said:

Advice From a Tree

By Ilan Shamir

Stand Tall and Proud

Sink your roots deeply into the Earth

Reflect the light of a greater source

Think long term

Go out on a limb

Remember your place among all living beings

Embrace with joy the changing seasons

For each yields its own abundance

The Energy and Birth of Spring

The Growth and Contentment of Summer

The Wisdom to let go of leaves in the Fall

The Rest and Quiet Renewal of Winter

Feel the wind and the sun

And delight in their presence

Look up at the moon that shines down upon you

And the mystery of the stars at night.

Seek nourishment from the good things in life

Simple pleasures

Earth, fresh air, light

Be content with your natural beauty

Drink plenty of water

Let your limbs sway and dance in the breezes

Be flexible

Remember your roots

Enjoy the view!

I need to go now-I need to get away from my screen and get outside to see what important lesson or advice nature has to offer me today.

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