Ice Cream Lessons

 
 

Ice Cream Lessons

  Do you ever suffer from sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia? If you do, you have no one to blame but yourself. That may sound harsh, but I know first-hand about this because I, through my own doing, suffered from it again last week. That's right, just a few days ago, I made the mistake of eating my two-scoop mint chocolate chip ice cream cone way too fast. Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia is the scientific name for what we usually refer to as a brain freeze or a dreaded ice cream headache.

   A brain freeze, I learned after doing a little research, is caused when the nerve fibers on the roof of one's mouth get overwhelmed with too much of a cold sensation. When this happens, the nerve fibers begin to constrict, and the brain interprets the signals it is getting as pain. A brain freeze will pass relatively quickly (although it doesn't feel quick when you are in the midst of it), and it is helpful to know that holding your tongue on the roof of your mouth will help relieve the symptoms. This is because your tongue will help warm up and thus expand the cold nerve fibers.

  The lesson in all of this is simple--too much of a good thing is often a bad thing. We know this in theory, of course, but it is easy to forget at the moment. For example, I tend to work too much, and my work/life balance gets off-kilter when I do. This can easily create its own kind of brain freeze, where stress causes my thinking to be less clear and my emotions to be more reactive. Others may routinely stay up late enjoying the quiet of the night, leaving them exhausted and crabby in the morning. Others may overspend in the excitement of the moment, only to feel the pain when the credit card bill arrives. Still, others may enter too quickly into a relationship only to find out later that the other person is not a good match for them.

  We live in a culture that seems to thrive on excess and intensity and where moderation can even be viewed as boring or dull. This way of thinking is captured in a saying I have heard folks proudly exclaim from time to time, "If anything is worth doing, it is worth overdoing." It is usually said in a joking manner, yet many people seem to take it seriously or even as good advice. However, interestingly enough, whenever I ask people to list some words associated with wellness, the word balance is almost always at the top of the list.

  The famous Trappist monk and writer Thomas Merton wrote, "Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm, and harmony." And the ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus wrote, "Be moderate in order to taste the joys of life in abundance." My response to these two great thinkers is to pose a few important questions for all of us, myself included: Is there anything right now in our lives that we are doing either too intensely, quickly, or in excess? Is there some area of our lives that if we slowed down or did more moderately, we might enjoy it more, both now and in the long run?

  With this in mind, the next time you find yourself enjoying an ice cream treat, remember that balance and moderation are not only essential to enjoying ice cream, but are also the keys to helping us all, "taste the joys of life in abundance."


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Falling Upward, Again and Again

 
 

Falling Upward, Again and Again

 (I am taking time off from writing new columns this summer. This column seems especially timely, though, as we slowly begin to imagine our lives after COVID. All of us have fallen; now we have the opportunity to reflect on what it means to fall upward.)

One of the best books I have read in the last five years is Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life by Richard Rohr. Rohr is a priest in the Franciscan order who integrates wisdom from spirituality and depth psychology. He has traveled the world for the last forty-two years leading retreats and conferences on wholeness and wellness. Falling Upward, published in 2011, is a book about the two halves of our lives. The first half of life, according to Rohr, is characterized by external growth, expansion, and accomplishment. It is the time of life when people finish school, begin careers, begin relationships and families, and most things in one's life are on an upward trajectory. Rohr talks about the first half of life as being primarily about building and solidifying one's identity and ego.

In contrast, Rohr describes the second half of life as primarily about deepening one's identity and developing one's soul. In the second half of life, things begin to get more complicated. Loss becomes more prevalent. Relationships end through separation or death. Bad things happen to good people. Dreams fall short, and disappointments occur. We are aging and now facing the finite limits of our lives in the second half of life. Things begin to fall apart, but the point that Rohr makes is that we have a choice when we face an experience of things falling apart. We can choose to fall down, or we can choose to fall upward--hence the name for his book.

Rohr's book resonates entirely with my own experience in life, both personally and professionally. In my experience, all spiritual growth--all growth of the soul--occurs in response to working through some experience of challenge or loss, some experience of facing a problem that cannot be solved by simply working harder (the striving of the ego). Another way to capture this is to quote one of my favorite sayings: wisdom is simply healed pain. Those who face and heal their pain as they move into and through the second half of life become wise. They are the sages and elders of our lives whose wisdom and counsel we regularly seek. Their souls are well developed. They have depth and a palpable gravitas. Those who do not face and heal their pain in the second half of life become constricted, bitter, and cynical. Rohr captured this difference in a lecture I once heard him deliver when he said, "we have a growing population of elderly in our country, but not necessarily a growing population of elders."

The field of personal growth literature is vast. Much of it is geared toward the first half of life, toward what Rohr would call the growth of the ego. Most of these books are some version of "Ten Steps To A Better You." There is, of course, nothing wrong with this kind of literature as far as it goes. But if you are looking for a book that will nurture your soul's growth, you will benefit from reading Falling Upward by Richard Rohr. You can read the book for a couple of days, but you will spend the rest of your life integrating and applying the wisdom found in this book.

Regular readers of this column know that one of my favorite sayings is, "Change is inevitable. Growth is optional." Richard Rohr makes this more specific by saying, "Falling is inevitable. Falling upward is optional." Rohr says that when we fall upward, what we come to discover is that what is falling away as we get older is the false self and that what is finally emerging is the true self. He is clear, though, that this is a choice that we have to make. We make it one day at a time, in community with those we love and trust, and in community with a Higher Power that is always guiding us to discover our true selves.


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What We Appreciate

 
 

What We Appreciate, Appreciates

  I was out for a bike ride one evening this week, and I came upon the iconic summer scene of a Little League baseball game. I stopped for a moment and watched, reminiscing about the many years I spent playing baseball as a kid and coaching my kids as they did the same.

As I rode on, I found myself thinking back to one particular ritual that we used to do after each game, both when we won and when we lost. Our team would form a circle and chant, "Two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate? Go…….Giants (or whatever the name of the other team was)." Then we would go over and shake hands with the other team, who had usually just finished doing the same cheer for us. We were paying attention to each other's efforts, whether it led to a victory or not. 

For me, one of the most important parts of youth sports, if not the most essential part, is the opportunity to teach character and values through being a good sport. Educating youth to appreciate others' efforts sincerely, no matter the outcome is a life lesson they can hold on to long after they complete their Little League baseball years.

All of this brings me to one of the core teachings that runs throughout our adult, parent, and teen wellness programs, the principle that "Whatever we pay attention to, is what will grow.' While I didn't mention this principle directly in my column last week where I talked about the gift of imperfection, it was certainly implied. In that column, I spoke of when it comes to our gardens as well as our lives, we can pay attention to the weeds that will always be there, or we can pay attention to that which is good and beautiful. Because, in fact, whatever we pay attention to, is what will grow.

I recently heard a different way of declaring this truth, and it ties in with the Little League baseball cheer I mentioned earlier. It goes like this: "What we appreciate, appreciates."  

If we appreciate and praise good behavior in a child, we will likely see more of that behavior.

If we appreciate someone's efforts to face a complex challenge, we will increase their self-confidence and commitment to keep working to overcome their challenge.

If we express our gratitude and appreciation for something that someone does for others, we encourage more acts of kindness.

When we call someone who is alone who could use a little appreciation, we make them feel cared about and make their day.

You can, I'm sure, think of additional examples from your own life of how "What we appreciate, appreciates," and I encourage you to do so. Even more, I encourage you to test out the truth of this principle by making a concerted effort, in the days and weeks to come, to go out of your way and appreciate people in your life.

So, here we go, team,……." Two, four, six, eight. Who can we appreciate? Go………."


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The Best Time to Start a Conversation

 
 

The Best Time to Start a Conversation

  Whenever I begin a process of counseling with a person, couple, or family they almost always say something like this in the first meeting, "I/we should have started this conversation years ago. I/we have known 'this" was a problem for a long time and guess I/we somehow believed that it would simply go away or get better on its own if ignored." The "this" they are referring to is whatever issue it is that has brought them to counseling. The "this" of course varies, but could include issues such as a growing tension or distance in a relationship, unhappiness at work, concern about a drinking problem, concern about issues related to sleep or eating, worry about a child, a health or financial concern that has been ignored, or sometimes a growing spiritual crisis. 

   I am reminded of the proverb stating, "The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago; the second best time is today." It also seems to be true that the best time for any of us to have begun a difficult conversation was several months or several years ago, at the moment when we first became aware of a difficulty that needed to be faced and discussed. The second best time to begin that difficult conversation is today.

   An excuse I often hear for avoiding a difficult conversation, and one I have listened to myself say many times, is some version of, "I just don't want to rock the boat." The interesting thing about this desire of not wanting to rock the boat is the fact that it is almost always said at a time when, in fact, the boat is clearly already rocking. "I would prefer not to acknowledge how significantly the boat is rocking," is probably a more accurate statement of what the person, couple or family is thinking and feeling, than simply "I don't want to rock the boat."

   No matter what excuse we may find ourselves using to avoid difficult conversations, the results are usually the same. The original concern or problem grows, and having the conversation we need to have becomes even more difficult. Quite often, then, the original concern grows into a crisis in our lives, families, workplaces, congregations, or our communities, and it is that crisis that requires us to finally have the difficult conversation we have been avoiding. 

   Why do we avoid difficult conversations? There are many reasons, but I believe one primary reason is that there is great vulnerability in having these conversations. As long as I, or any of us, avoid a conversation, we can be sure that we are right and can brew resentments, believing that the other person is clearly at fault and needs to change. Choosing to have a challenging conversation means that we will most likely find out that the other person, of course, has a considerably different perspective on the issue and that they believe that we have some significant changes that we need to make.

   Significant change requires significant risk and vulnerability from all parties involved. When we are willing to have difficult conversations, real change, or conversion, can occur. The word "conversion" comes from the same root as the word "conversation," a good reminder that authentic conversations have the capacity to change all parties involved.

   Is there a conversation that you want to start right now, but perhaps are finding it difficult to do so? Maybe you wished you had started this conversation three months or three years ago. You can't change the past, though, and so there is not much use in second-guessing why you didn't start the conversation sooner. Instead, remember that you can change the present and the future by beginning that conversation today.



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What Is In Your Cup? (Copy)

 
 

The Spirituality of Farmers’ Markets

It is a beautiful thing to see that most farmers' markets are open again. Our daughter and son-in-law own an organic vegetable farm, and we are fortunate to be able to shop at the market where they sell each week. Chances are, there is a farmers’ market somewhere near where you live. I certainly understand their popularity, as going to a local farmers' market to shop for our produce is always a fun experience. It seems to me there are at least three reasons that these markets are so popular. The first reason is community. Farmers' markets are communal by nature. They bring together producers of various kinds (vegetable farmers, growers of flowers, organic meat producers, bakers, local artisans, musicians, and more). At the same time, they bring together the community. Part of the fun of going to a farmer's market is running into neighbors and friends. Since the beginning of time, food has brought people together, and community is shared and nurtured.

I think another reason these markets are so popular is that, as the saying goes, "They are keeping it real." The produce offered at farmers' markets is almost always free of pesticides and other chemicals. In a world where much is artificial and "new and improved," there is something extraordinary about eating and buying food that is produced the same way it has been for hundreds of years ago.

The final reason (although I know there are many more than the three I am listing here) that I love farmers' markets is because they directly connect me with the source of the food I am eating. When I buy my produce from the grocery store, I don't directly connect to the farmer and the land from where the food comes.

Spirituality is central to my life, so I do many things to practice and nurture my spiritual wellness. It occurs to me as I write about what I love about farmers' markets that I am describing what, for me, are three cornerstones of spirituality: community, "keeping it real," and connecting with the source from which all life comes. It's no wonder I love farmers' markets so much! If you haven't visited one yet, you still have time to support your local farmer and your own well-being at the same time.


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