Thank You for Your Service

Thank You for Your Service

Our nation observed Veterans Day this week, and on that day, I witnessed a noticeable shift on my Facebook feed. The political posts diminished, and in their place were streams of photos shared by friends whose loved ones had served our country in military service. 

I love listening to stories of people’s families. So I relished the photos and stories that people shared of their parents, spouses, siblings, grandparents, children, and other friends and relatives who had served or are serving our country, in one capacity or another. All of this brought back many memories and stories of my grandfather and father, both of whom served in World War I and II, respectively. 

Each post that was shared received numerous “likes” and comments. Most of the comments, especially the ones related to people who posted about their own military service, were expressions such as “thank you for your service” or “we are grateful for what you have given for our country.”  

The highlight for me reading these comments was watching people who I know are on opposite ends of the political spectrum expressing their gratitude for and to each other. It was a good reminder that even though there are serious divisions in our nation, there are also values and experiences that transcend those differences and bring us together.

Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away, and so gratitude has been on my mind as well. Reflecting on Thanksgiving and all the expressions of appreciation I was reading for veterans led me to think that “thank you for your service” is not something we have to reserve just for veterans. We can share a word of thanks at any time.

So I said it to a teacher today, one I know who is spending long hours teaching online. And to my dentist, who was there when I recently had an emergency. I also said it to a few pastor friends who work tirelessly to serve their congregations while they cannot currently meet in person. I thanked the people who checked me out at the grocery store today. And when I see them next, I will say it to all the people I know who work in health care and the many mental health therapists I know. 

  Veterans Day and Thanksgiving. Service and gratitude. Two values that I believe are foundational for living well, both personally and communally.

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The Work of Democracy Continues

The Work of Democracy Continues

       Most mornings, I begin my day by writing in my journal. Many years ago, I learned a practice called “Morning Pages” from Julia Cameron, the author of The Artist’s Way. The method is as simple as it is powerful and involves writing stream of consciousness thoughts down in a journal every day for a predetermined length of time or number of pages. 

   One of the Morning Pages practice guidelines is that you don’t share what you write with others. I’m going to break that rule right now as I share a little of what I wrote this past Wednesday morning, the day after our national election.  

   The first thing that came to mind that morning was an extended quote from Howard Thurman. Thurman was born in 1899 and was brought up by his formerly enslaved grandparents. He grew up to be an influential philosopher, theologian, pastor, and civil rights leader in the mid 20th Century. 

   The quote I remembered is associated with Christmas, but you will see why it came to mind. The quote has always been a favorite of mine, and so I was to remember most of the quote, using Google to recall the rest.

Now the Work of Christmas Begins by Howard Thurman

When the song of the angels is stilled,

when the star in the sky is gone,

when the kings and princes are home,

when the shepherds are back with their flocks,

the work of Christmas begins:

to find the lost,

to heal the broken,

to feed the hungry,

to release the prisoner,

to rebuild the nations,

to bring peace among the people,

to make music in the heart.

   I found myself adapting this Thurmond quote in my journal as I wrote, "the voting is over, and now the work of democracy begins.” 

   Like Christmas and other religious and national events, elections are of critical importance. Of equal importance are the day-to-day choices we make to live out our core values and beliefs. For me, that means committing myself:

to respect the dignity of all people, 

to work for justice for all, 

to heal divisions between myself and others, 

to live a life of integrity, honesty, and transparency, 

to love my neighbor as myself, 

to embody in my thoughts, words, and deeds the truth that all people are created equal and “are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

  The voting is over. The work of democracy continues for each of us.  

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Refraining from Complaining

Refraining from Complaining

    During a previous Halloween season, I wrote about the “no complaining for 24 hours challenge” and received so much positive feedback that I thought I would invite us all to try it again this year. With all that is happening right now, this challenge is more timely and, perhaps, more difficult. 

  Before you read any further, please stop and note what time it is. Remember the time because for the next 24 hours, I invite you to join me in taking the challenge to abide by the advice offered in the quote box above: go 24 hours without complaining, not even once. Can you do it? Can I do it? Of course, we can. Will we, though? We’ll soon find out.

  Negativity is easy and rampant, especially in these anxious times. The half-empty view of life is all around us. Like a virus, it's highly contagious. Being cynical is often defended as merely being realistic. Pick a topic -- whether it be politics, work, family life, school, health care, you name it, and it's easy to find naysayers espousing their negativity about what's wrong.

  While Halloween celebrations will be scaled back this year, many children will still visit at least a few houses in their neighborhood to ask the familiar question of "trick or treat?” Treats will be given in a creative, socially distanced manner, and thus the tricks will be avoided. 

  In a sense, the question, "trick or treat?" is a great question, not just for Halloween, but as a question that asks us each to reflect on how we see ourselves, our lives, and the world around us.

  Seeing life as primarily a trick gives rise to negativity, which naturally gives rise to expressions of complaint. Seeing life alternatively as primarily a treat gives rise to a positive attitude and expressions of gratitude. Life is, of course, a mixture of tricks and treats. Bad things happen to good people, and life is indeed not fair sometimes. There are indeed tricksters in the world who need to be confronted and held accountable. What I am talking about here, though, is our pervasive attitude about one's life, work, family, friends, and even life itself. Do you and I see life primarily as a trick or a treat? What do our comments and complaints tell others about how we see the world?

  If you tend to be a negative, complaining person, I invite you, in the spirit of Halloween, to dress up as a positive, grateful, and “half-full” person for at least the next 24 hours. Please know that I will be doing this challenge right along with you as I have noticed myself uttering more expressions of half-emptiness than half-fullness lately. 

   Of course, if you have been a negative person for some time, people around you will recognize that you are dressing up as someone who's not really you, but that will be okay. Over time, you and others around you may like the new, less frightening look you will be sporting, and it might start to grow on you. Eventually, it might not end up being a costume after all!

   Okay, unless you have uttered some negative words while reading this column, you have 23 hours 57 minutes left in your challenge for zero tolerance when it comes to complaining. If you slip up, the clock starts over again until you have accomplished a complaint-free 24 hours. 

   Have fun with this little trick, and invite others to try it as well. And know that as you do this, you will be providing a treat not just for yourself, but for the people with whom you interact.  

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Mindful Raking

Mindful Raking

    A story is told about a Buddhist monk who was asked what he did before he attained enlightenment. He responded, "I chopped wood and carried water." He was then asked what he did after achieving the highest state of enlightenment. "I continued to chop wood and carry water." The point is that living a mindful, spiritual life does not always lead to dramatic changes in our or behaviors, although it indeed may. Living a mindful, spiritual life changes us on the inside; it changes our perspective on life. What we do may not change, but our mindset while doing it will likely shift. 

    All that I just shared with you came to my mind early this week when I was raking leaves. If you were to walk by my house while I was raking, you might think to yourself, "There's a guy raking his lawn." This would be true, but what you might not realize is that what you are also observing is a guy who is having a spiritual moment. 

   I actually love raking leaves. I have been looking forward to it for weeks and am so excited the time has come again here in Wisconsin for this annual ritual. Raking the brilliantly colored leaves reminds me of both the beauty and the impermanence of life—all the more reason to live more mindfully in the present moment. Raking the yard can be mindless work, or when done mindfully, it can be energizing and even comforting. 

    All of us have numerous mindless tasks that we do regularly: brushing our teeth, taking a shower, making meals, taking care of the kids, doing the laundry, taking out the garbage, cleaning the house, grocery shopping, and paying the bills. Like the leaves that are falling from my trees right now, all of these tasks are constant. These are the givens of life. 

   What is optional, though, is the mindset we will bring to doing these things. Will we do them with impatience or resentment, wishing we could get on with something more important or more pleasurable? Or will we do them with a spirit of acceptance, being fully present in the moment? Can we find a way to be grateful that we have a yard to rake, kids to care for, or a house to clean? Attitude will not alter the time needed to perform a task, but it will determine whether we end up feeling content or exhausted when we are through.

  The next time you have a repetitive task to do, try making it a mindful task, doing it with presence and gratitude for all you have and all you have been given. Remember, it won't take any longer to do, and it just might make a difference in your well-being and the well-being of those around you. 

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A Closer Listen

A Closer Listen

   In the middle of a Zoom call that my wife and I recently had with some friends, I had a genuine aha moment, one that reminded me of an important lesson I had learned years ago. Knowing that my wife is an avid reader, my friends asked her what she was currently reading. She explained that she has just finished an excellent book entitled, The Housekeeper and the Professor, written by Yoko Ogawa. Our friends were curious to hear more, and so they asked her lots of follow up questions. The more questions they asked, the more details she shared. And that is when I had my aha moment.  

  After we ended our call, I shared my insight with my wife. I explained that I had, of course, noticed her reading the book about which she had just been talking. Until the Zoom call with our friends, though, I hadn’t known anything about the book, nor anything about how much she loved the book. The reason I didn’t know any of this was apparent. I had never asked. I had never asked her about the book itself nor about her reaction to it. Insert facepalm here.

 I don’t think I am alone in what I experienced. I’m guessing that most of us have had a similar experience of learning something new about someone close to us by listening to them speak with others. 

  Just before the pandemic hit, Kate Murphy’s new book entitled You’re Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters was released. In it, she introduces the term closeness-communication bias, which the book explores. Here’s what she said about her preparation for writing the book: 

  “During my two years researching my book on listening, I learned something incredibly ironic about interpersonal communication: The closer we feel toward someone, the less likely we are to listen carefully to them” 

   As Murphy explains, it is easy for us to become complacent when it comes to listening to our family and friends. We may feel that we already know each other so well that there isn’t anything really new to learn about each other. On the other hand, when we interact with people we don’t know well, we will find ourselves being much more curious and attentive to what they have to say.

  For most of us, the pandemic is shrinking our social network, and so we may find ourselves interacting with the same people from one day to the next. Rather than seeing this as a limitation, perhaps we could reframe it as an opportunity to get to know these people better. 

 I hope my aha moment will inspire you, as it did me, to take some initiative to be more curious and to listen more attentively to the people with whom you are spending so much time. 

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