Seeing Someone We Know For The First Time

Our families can be both our greatest source of love and joy and our greatest source of frustration and worry. It seems that there is no time when this is more apparent than during the holiday season. Both our joys and our concerns with family members can be magnified as we may find ourselves interacting with people we seldom see. Continuing with the theme of practicing wonder that is the focus of our current Advent booklet, I would like to reflect on what it would mean for us to practice wonder when it comes to relating to our families. Here is an excerpt I wrote for our Living Compass Advent booklet about what this might look like. "Students of Buddhist meditation talk about the spiritual discipline of developing a 'beginner's mind' when approaching one's everyday life. A beginner's mind is characterized by openness, being free from preconceived ideas, and being eager to learn something new from whatever and whomever one encounters. It is said that with a beginner's mind there are endless possibilities and that by contrast, with an expert's mind there are very few.

What would it mean to move through the rest of this holiday season with a beginner's mind? One possible way to think about this is to realize that while we have experienced many previous holiday seasons with our families, we have never experienced this holiday season. As much as we may have traditions that we honor, each year is, by definition, unique. A beginner's mind remains open to experiencing the particularity of this holiday season in order to discover the unique joys that it might hold.

Cultivating a beginner's mind is perhaps more difficult when it comes to the relationships we have with people we know well. It is easy to get stuck in thinking that we already know, for example, exactly how annoying Uncle Fred or Cousin Sally is going to be again this year at the holiday gathering. Approaching our relationships with people we know well with a beginner's mind means that we must commit to practicing wonder and openness, and approach each person as if we are meeting them for the first time."

When we meet someone for the first time we have no choice but to practice a beginner's mind. It is easy and natural to practice wonder and curiosity as we get to know someone new. What if we were to take this same mindset into our interactions with everyone we spend time with over the next few weeks?

The mindset we take into our interactions with others does much to determine what we will see and experience. If I am sure I will be annoyed by someone, I will be sure to see and amplify in my mind those things that bother me. If instead, I practice a sense of wonder and am open to seeing the best in someone, I will likely experience the person in a whole new way.

Betty Smith, in A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, may have said it best, "Look at everything always as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time: Thus is your time on earth filled with glory."

Stop and Wonder

I don't think I have ever heard anyone say, "Hurry up and wonder." The much more common phrase is, of course, "Stop and wonder" and is often heard in the form of a question, "Do you ever stop and wonder...?"  In order to make room for wonder it seems that have to slow down and pause long enough to pay attention. If I were to ask you right now in your life, “What causes you to stop and wonder,” how would you respond? Given the news cycle these days it wouldn’t be surprising if what comes to mind is wondering about some aspect of the latest bad behavior of some famous person. We might wonder about many different aspects of such a situation. I’m guessing as well that if most of us were to come across the statement, “That kind of behavior really causes me to stop and wonder,” without having any idea of its context, we might easily assume it is describing a negative behavior.

Of course, the experience of something causing us to stop and wonder can relate to positive experiences just as easily as to negative ones. When I hear about an act of generosity or self-sacrifice, or someone who shows the strength to persevere in the face of adversity, it often causes me to stop and wonder what gives someone the ability to act like that. Yet I know that unless I am intentional, I often fail to stop and wonder and thus miss these types of good things that are happening around me every day. And I imagine I am not the only one for whom this is true.

The season of Advent starts this Sunday. Advent is a season that some Christians observe as a time of spiritual preparation for Christmas. Each year, Living Compass creates a booklet to help people observe Advent. We recruit guest writers from around the country to help us create a collection of daily readings around a particular theme. This year, the theme is wonder, with the title of the booklet being, “Practicing Wonder with All Your Heart, Soul, Strength, and Mind.”

In our Advent booklet we invite people to take a moment each day to stop and wonder about the signs of love, light, grace, and hope that surround us, knowing that they are there, and that we can enjoy them if we slow down, taking time to notice. These positive expressions of wonder often appear as a whisper, while the negative expressions unfortunately frequently appear as a shout, and so… we need to create space in our hearts and souls to be quiet long enough to hear the whispers.

So whether you observe the Christian season of Advent or not, I invite you to take some time over the next month for a regular practice of stopping and wondering. As with anything we practice, the more we do it, the more natural it becomes for us and the better we get at it. Let’s see what difference it makes when we each make more space in our hearts and souls to be quiet long enough to observe and appreciate the wonder that is all around us.

P.S. We have sold out the print copies of our Advent booklet. You can order an ebook version from Amazon for .99 cents.  Click here for the English version and here for the Spanish version.

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Practicing Gratitude

“I don’t have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness—it’s right in front of me if I’m paying attention and practicing gratitude.” Brené Brown. This quote really speaks to me as we head into our country’s special day to pause and give thanks. First, it reminds me that happiness is found not only in the extraordinary moments of life, but in the everyday ordinary moments that are right in front of me. Second, it remind me that all I need to do to see these moments is to pay attention and focus on being grateful.

If you are looking for a concrete way to focus on being grateful, I recommend keeping a gratitude journal. A simple way to start is to commit to writing down at least three things you are grateful for every day. To make it both more challenging and more meaningful make a goal to not repeat anything for three weeks, meaning that you will have to come up with at least sixty-three different things for which you are grateful. The first couple of days will be fairly easy, and then as you continue you will become aware of the many things that you mighty easily take for granted in your life.

Earlier this month I decided to start such a gratitude journal. It seemed like a good way to prepare for Thanksgiving. Below you will find some of the things on my list so far.

Family

Friends, Old and New

Faith

A Home

Work

Food

Health

Music

Colleagues

Clean air

Clean water

Education

The ability to read

New experiences

Rain

Optimism

Changing leaf colors

Clothing

Safety

My Piano

Freedom

First Responders

Coffee

Heat

Leaf blowers

Soccer friends

Access to health and dental care

Books

Snow (most of the time)

The ability to see

Technology

The ability to hear

Full Moons

The ability to smell

Trees

The ability to touch

Gardens

Farmer’s Markets

Fresh flowers

The ability to taste

Hope

Forgiveness of others when I make mistakes

The ability to bounce back or make a new start

My guitar

My road bike

Running shoes

Veterans

Schools

Neighbors

Memories

Teachers, Mentors, and Coaches

Laugher

Improv Comedy

My fishing rod

Challenges that make me stronger

Sunsets and sunrises

Curiosity

Pets that I have had

Campfires

Fish Fries

Northern Lights

Vacations

My coffee mug collection

My father’s Lionel train from the 1920’s

Fondue

Baseball

Custard

Warm socks

Pine forests

Clear lakes

National Parks

Band-Aids

Libraries

Quiet

Cooking

Washing machine and dryer

The kindness of strangers

Mistakes and what I learn from them

My physical therapist

Love

Earbuds

Video Calls

Today

And all of you who read this column each week!

If you were to try this, what would be on your list? There’s only one way to find out.

Whether or not you make a gratitude list, I hope you will pause and take some time this week to give thanks for the people and moments in your life that are both ordinary and extraordinary.

This column will return in two weeks, after a break for Thanksgiving.

Who Do We Appreciate?

Every one of us knows someone who could use a little extra love and appreciation right now. For that matter, there isn’t a person reading (or writing) this who probably wouldn’t mind a little extra love and appreciation as well. We are hard-wired for connection, and while the nature of that connection shifts throughout the life cycle it is not something we ever outgrow. To paraphrase the Mother Teresa quote above, we have a hunger for love and appreciation that is as strong, if not stronger, than our hunger for food. Just this morning an acquaintance of mine was sharing how whenever he posts something on Facebook he loves checking back throughout the day to see how many “likes” he gets for his post. He even confessed that he sometimes feels a bit embarrassed at how much the “likes” mean to him. When I shared with him my thoughts for this week’s column, he agreed with my thesis, saying appreciation was certainly very important for his well being and that the quote from Mother Teresa certainly rang true for him.

In preparation for this column, I have been doing a little experiment over the last few days that has demonstrated for me both the power and the simplicity of offering love and appreciation to others. I have been making an intentional effort to share words of kindness and appreciation with everyone I encounter—family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, clerks, baristas, and customer service representatives. What has this cost me? Nothing. What have the effects of this been? Amazing.

Each of us has the power to make someone’s day, by simply saying something as simple as, “I really appreciate all the little things you do. I apologize that sometimes take those things for granted, forgetting to let you know how grateful I am for what you do.”

The dictionary points out that appreciate has four separate, but related definitions, which all apply to what happens when we show someone how much we appreciate them.

Appreciate:

1. To be grateful or thankful for: they appreciated their thoughtfulness.
2. To value or regard highly: to appreciate a work of art.
3. To be fully conscious of; be aware of: to appreciate the hard work involved.
4. To raise in value: the property’s value is appreciating. 

As you have been reading this column, several people may have come to mind, people to whom you would like to offer more of your love and appreciation. If not, please stop now and create a list in your mind.

I would like to invite us all to add one other group of people to our lists. November 11 is Veterans Day and so it is a good time to stop and  show our appreciation to any of the twenty-million veterans in our county that we know personally. When we do this, we will help them see how thankful we are for their service and sacrifice, and that we do not take what they have done for granted.

I invite you also to try your own personal experiment of offering  thoughtful appreciation to the people you encounter throughout your day. See for yourself, what a difference it makes, both in their lives, and in yours.

Celebrating Resilience

The American Psychological Association defines resilience as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, loss, or significant sources of stress. These include family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors. It means ‘bouncing back’ from difficult and trying experiences. This definition of resilience, as you can see, has two components. First, it acknowledges the reality that life contains its share of trouble, “adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, loss, and significant sources of stress.” Secondly, life also contains hope. We find it in this definition as it talks about the capacity of the human spirit to “adapt well” and “bounce back.”

Most of us get daily reminders of the fact that life is hard and even tragic at times. If we are not currently experiencing adversity ourselves, the daily news cycle regularly reminds us of the “adversity, trauma, tragedy, and threats” that are occurring somewhere in our world each day. If you are like me, it is easy to get overwhelmed by all of the bad news.

This is why we also need regular reminders that it is not only adversity that happens, but that resilience happens too! Adversity often gets more attention because it happens suddenly and is easy to report and document. Resilience happens instead much more slowly, one day, one decision at a time, and often takes years to become visible—long after the news cycle has moved on to the next story. The slow nature of resilience, however, does not make it any less real or powerful than the suddenness of adversity. So it is good for our spirits to be reminded of stories of resilience whenever we can.

Speaking of stories of resilience, this is why I am celebrating the Houston Astros winning the World Series this week.  Just a few years ago the Astros experienced three consecutive seasons where they lost 100 games (out of a total of 162). This made them one of the worst teams in baseball at the time. Day by day though, over the last three to four years the team demonstrated what it means to “bounce back from difficult and trying experiences.” They worked hard in the front office, in the gyms and on the field. This theme of bouncing back is particularly appropriate for this team as their victory comes at a time when the city they represent is also working hard at coming back from the trauma caused by Hurricane Harvey. “Houston Strong” has become the city’s motto as it represents its resilient spirit, both as it applies to its recovery from the storm and the Astro’s climb out of the basement of the American League.

Baseball is of course just a game, an entertaining pastime for those of us who enjoy the sport. The Astro’s World Series victory doesn’t rebuild or repair the homes or the lives of people devastated by the hurricane. Hopefully, though, their victory does remind all of us that resilience happens and that it is every bit as real as adversity. I, for one, will always celebrate stories of resilience whenever they occur, whether in baseball, or in life.