Yes to the Mess

In 1959 Miles Davis and a group of musicians recorded the album Kind of Blue, which turned out to be the best selling and one of the most influential jazz albums of all time.  The remarkable thing about this album is that the musicians had very little preparation time, not knowing what they would be playing until they walked into the studio to record. The original liner notes for the album said that the musicians were only given a few scales and melody lines on which they were to improvise. There were no rehearsals before hand. All of this was by design in order to create a truly spontaneous, improvised experience that would be co-created in the moment.  And the results of what happened in that studio in 1959 are captured in the words of musician Carlos Santana, “They went into the studio with minimal stuff, and came out with eternity.” While you have quite likely heard of Miles Davis, you probably don’t know the name Frank Barrett. Barrett is a very skilled jazz musician who also happens to be a professor of management and global public policy at the Naval Postgraduate School in Monterey, California.  A few years ago he wrote Yes to the Mess: Surprising Leadership Lessons from Jazz, a book that combines his passion for jazz, and teaching others about leadership. It just so happens that this week I am currently co-teaching a class on leadership at Bexley Seabury Seminary in Chicago and today we spent several hours discussing the implications of Yes to the Mess for leadership in today’s world. What we discussed applies not just to leading a business or a non-profit organization, but to all aspects of leading our lives, so please allow me to riff on a few of the key concepts from this book.

Creativity as Joint Performance: Leadership is relational and often the best ideas are co-created with input from multiple people. A leader’s job is to create an environment where people can take risks and improvise new ideas. As with jazz, soloing is important, but supporting others in their solos is equally important.

Embrace Errors as a Source of Learning: Errors come with taking risks. Every new endeavor is by definition outside of one’s current comfort zone and so errors are bound to occur. None of us would have learned how to drive, or acquired any other complex skill, if we were not allowed to make errors.

Unlearning is Sometimes as Important as Learning: If a jazz musician gets stuck in a certain way of playing every time they improvise, then it is no longer improvisation, but begins to sound rote. When a relationship between spouses, or parents and children, or friends becomes stuck in the same pattern over and over again, it may be necessary to unlearn that pattern in order to make room for a new pattern to emerge.  An attitude of, “But we have always done it this way,” will stunt creativity and growth every time.

Create Unstructured Time to Just “Hang Out.”  Musicians come up with some of their best ideas by just sitting around, hanging out, and trying out new riffs. This is why it is important for us not to schedule every minute of our lives or the lives of our children. Some of the best moments emerge and happen spontaneously, without any planning. An example of this is what we often remember most when we have gone on a vacation. Often the moments we remember most from a trip are not part of the carefully scheduled itinerary we followed, but from a spontaneous, unplanned experience or encounter that arose in the moment.

Say, “Yes to the Mess.” All of the other principles outlined above are dependent on first saying, “Yes” to whatever challenges we are facing in our personal and/or work live. An open and appreciative attitude to accepting “what it” is the first step in improvising new ways of dealing with it

In case you hadn’t noticed, life itself is messy! Most likely each of us has a little, or maybe a lot, of messiness in our lives right now. It’s our choice as to how we respond to this reality. We can complain about the messiness of life and pretend that if we just work hard enough we can eliminate it, or…. we can say, “Yes to the mess” and in the process invite others to join in with us as we discover new ways to make something beautiful out of it.

Is there a mess in your life right now that you are spending lots of energy complaining about? What would it look like to shift your attitude and starting saying, “Yes” to this mess?

Baseball Dadisms for Father's Day

It is time for my annual column where I share Dadisms, those wise, pithy bits of wisdom the dads, and other men in our lives, shared with us as we were growing up. Father’s Day is a time to remember and give thanks not just for our fathers, but for all the men who have made a positive difference in our lives, including grandfathers, uncles, teachers, coaches, clergy, friends, mentors, and brothers. This year I am focusing on Dadisms through the lens of baseball. Even if you are not a baseball fan, or did not play baseball or softball as a child, you will still find universal wisdom in these  sayings. So here, in no particular order, are the words of wisdom I regularly heard from my father and the other dads who volunteered to coach my Little League teams through the years.

   “Keep your eye on the ball.”  This piece of wisdom was shared in an attempt to make a player a better hitter. The wisdom here is all about the importance of being focused. In our work and personal lives, as with baseball, staying focused on what is most important is key.

   “Look the ball into your glove.”  This is a similar piece of wisdom, but related to being a good fielder. The lesson here is, again, the importance of focus and concentration. Errors are easily made if a fielder is looking to where they are going to throw the ball, rather than focusing on watching the ball land into the glove. The parallel to this in terms of family wellness is the gift we offer another person when we are truly present to them--when our conversation with them is all that matters to us at that moment. We follow their words carefully, just like we follow the ball into the glove, never taking our eyes off of them.  We need to avoid making the error of losing track of the ball in the important relationships of our lives, as well as on the field.

   “Shake it off.”  This is often said either after a tough loss, after making an error, or getting hit by a pitch. This is not only good advice, but it sends a positive, hopeful message. Things don't always go as planned. We all experience defeat and loss on and off the field.  These things don't have to define us though. When we are hurting--in life or in baseball-maintaining emotional and spiritual resiliency is the key to recovering and moving on.

   “Know what you are going to do with the ball before it's hit to you.”  This is great advice in baseball and in life.  Applied to baseball, it means know the situation--how many outs there are, what the score is, and how may runners are on base--before the ball is hit to you, so that there will be no hesitation as to what to do if the ball does come to you.   Applied to life, it means we need to know our responses to both positive opportunities and potential negative situations before they arise.  Parents can teach their children, particularly teens, to practice their responses and be prepared ahead of time for potential negative influences and temptations. This is obviously great advice for adults as well.

   “Wait for your pitch.” Patience is the key to making good decisions in all aspects of life, including being a good hitter. Knowing when not to swing at a pitch is as important as knowing when to swing. Take your time and weigh your options when you are going to make any big decision in life.

   “Know when and how to sacrifice.” In baseball, executing a good sacrifice involves advancing or scoring another player who is on base at the expense of giving yourself up for an out. This can be done by bunting or by hitting a deep fly ball to the outfield (or even hitting to the right side of the infield, if there is a runner on second). It may look easy, but being able to make  good sacrifices on a consistent basis takes years of practice, as many dads know and have done for us.

As you think of your father, or perhaps a grandfather, uncle, coach, teacher, or other important man in your life, you may come up with your own list of helpful words of wisdom. If you have any that are particularly meaningful to you, please share them here on our Living Compass Facebook page. I may very well  share them in next year’s Father’s Day column.

As Father's Day approaches, it's an ideal time to pause and  remember the men in our lives who knew the importance of watching the ball, planning ahead, bouncing back, being patient, and when and how to sacrifice.

     I would be remiss if I did not also acknowledge that I realize Father’s Day can be a difficult day for many people, especially for people who have lost their father recently, and for those who have had a painful relationship with their father. My heart goes out to those of you who are experiencing grief for any reason this Father’s Day. 

What Will You Be Harvesting This Summer?

I talked with a friend today who is an avid vegetable gardener and his excitement was infectious. He shared the names of various seeds and plants he already has in the ground, and it was obvious how excited he was about the harvest of corn, tomatoes, arugula, and other assorted vegetables he would be enjoying later in the summer. My friend’s excitement got me thinking metaphorically about what it is I want to harvest this summer. The answer to that question will guide what it is I need to be planting right now. One thing I know I want to grow this summer is a little more work/life balance. So now I need to plant the seeds of spending more relaxed time with family and friends, taking long walks with my wife, spending more time riding my bike, setting aside time to play the piano, and also setting aside a few days for fishing. If I follow through and truly plant these seeds now, I will be able to enjoy a harvest of a renewed and refreshed spirit by the end of summer.

I also spoke with a group of parents this week and several of them were worried that they had over-scheduled themselves and their children for the summer, and were already anticipating being stressed by the amount of commitments everyone had made. They were beginning to wonder what they could let go of. They realized that based on the seeds that they had planted, they might very well be harvesting stress and exhaustion by the end of the summer, and they were not feeling good about that.

Summer is often a time when we can choose a slightly different rhythm, one that prioritizes down time and recreation. And so the most important question to ask ourselves when it comes to enjoying this summer is, “What activities (or non-activities) are truly re-creative for each of us?”  We, of course, will each have a different answer to that question. If filling up your summer with lots of scheduled activities is truly re-creative, than that is what you will want to do. If setting aside a few days so you can meet friends for coffee, or a walk in the park, or to work in your garden than make sure you schedule time for those things this summer.

Decide what is truly re-creative for you and then plant the seeds now to make sure those activities happen. Later you will be grateful that you took the time now to plant those seeds, as by the end of summer you will have a better chance of reaping a harvest of a renewed and re-created you.

The Meaning of Happiness

The discipline of psychology has experienced a significant development over the last twenty years with the emergence of what is known as the study and practice of positive psychology. Psychology has traditionally focused on the study of the causes and cures for mental illness and much suffering has been relieved by what has been learned over the years.  But about twenty years ago, some psychologists began to wonder about the benefits might come from not just studying what makes people ill, but what makes people well. Thus began the field of positive psychology. The initial focus for this new field was on what makes people happy.  If traditional psychology focused on what makes people sad or anxious, positive psychology chose to study what makes people happy. I recently read, for example, that just a few years ago there were over 10,000 articles published on happiness. It’s probably not a coincidence that about the same time, Pharrell Williams runaway hit song, “Happy” was released.

There has been a recent shift in the field of positive psychology that I find fascinating as a psychotherapist and person of faith. The research is now showing that pursuing happiness in of itself is not always making people happy. As philosopher John Stuart Mill wrote in his autobiography from the mid-nineteenth century, “Those only are happy who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness; on the happiness of others, on the improvement of mankind, even on some art or pursuit, followed not as a means, but as itself an ideal end. Aiming thus at something else, they find happiness by the way.” It turns out that the research is now showing that the key to people experience a sense of well-being is not to focus on a life of happiness, but rather on a life of meaning. The recent publication of the book The Power of Meaning: Crafting a Life That Matters by Emily Esfahani Smith, a noted leader in the field of positive psychology makes this very point. (I have not read the book, but have heard good things about it.)

As a person who has long focused on the intersection of spirituality, psychology, and well-being, I love it when research confirms what the great spiritual traditions have taught for thousands of years. It turns out that a life grounded in meaning and in the service of ideals beyond one’s self is not just good for the soul, but good one’s overall happiness and well-being.

So next time you or I find ourselves wanting a little more happiness in our lives, we would be wise to remember that the surest way to find it is not by pursuing it directly, but by reconnecting in a deeper way with what truly gives us meaning and purpose in life.

The Importance of Remembering

As Memorial Day approaches this year, I find myself thinking alot about the importance of remembering. I am especially remembering my dad who passed away six years ago, as he was one of the fortunate few to have survived the invasion of Utah Beach on D-Day. Many of his friends died by his side that day and I know he always painfully remembered both their friendship and their bravery on subsequent Memorial Days. He always said it was very important to remember those friends, and what they gave of themselves. I have also been thinking about both the importance and the power of remembering as I recently reconnected with a friend that I hadn’t seen or spoken with for many years. The conversation was electric as we discussed over coffee stories experiences that we had shared, ones that are unique to our friendship, and therefore could only be shared and remembered by the two of us. The more we talked, the more we remembered, and before we knew it two hours had passed, and yet it felt like we had just sat down.

Such is the power of remembering. Such is the power of having someone else remember something about us and about our shared history. We are all, I’m sure, warmed by the experience of someone saying to us, “I have this wonderful memory of you, of the time when you………” To be remembered is to feel honored and cared for.

Memory is the foundation of culture and identity, and our enhanced capacity for memory is what separates us from all other living creatures. Identity is rooted in knowing and remembering our origin and history, whether it be that of an individual, a family, an institution, a country, or even a religion.  And identity and meaning are strengthened when we gather and share our stories.

This connection between memory, identity, and meaning is the reason we as a nation will once again celebrate Memorial Day this Monday. On Memorial Day we remember and honor those who have given their lives in service to our country, and we honor the fact that our collective identity today is rooted in their sacrifice. As Nobel Laureate and Holocaust survivor, Elie Wiesel, said, “Without memory, there is no culture. Without memory, there would be no civilization, no society, no future.”

While I affirm the wisdom of “living in the present moment” and not getting “stuck in the past,” I also know that we can become “stuck in the present’ when we fail to remember how much our present, our identity and our culture are all shaped by our history. Memorial Day weekend provides us with the perfect chance to balance both the present and the past. As we both gather for fun with friends and family, let’s also make time to remember and give thanks for those who have gone before us, shaping our lives today.