Every Good Conversation Starts With Good Listening

Imagine you are in a room full of people trying to have a conversation with someone. Thirty seconds into the conversation you realize the person is not really listening to what you are saying. Instead, they are actually starting to look over your shoulder to see if there are others they might want to connect with in the room. You keep trying to connect, hoping to engage in an exchange of thoughts or experiences, but the other person soon finds the next person they want to talk with and offers you a superficial, "It was good to talk with you," and moves on. If you are like me, you have had the experience of this kind of "pseudo conversation" more times then you care to remember. And again, if you are like me, you have also been the person looking around the room and pretending to be listening, more times than you care to admit.

One of the reasons I believe that deep, authentic listening is rare is because it is challenging to actually do. It takes time, discipline, intention, and effort to be fully present to another person when they are speaking to us.  We have to truly focus our attention so that we are not distracted by what is going on around us. We have to quiet ourselves internally, so that we are not distracted by our own thoughts and concerns. We have to listen in order to truly understand, instead of simply listening in order to respond. We have to avoid the temptation to steer the conversation back to our lives and our concerns. And we have to offer the other the gift of our time.

Every good conversation starts with good listening. I have written before about how the word conversation and the word conversion share the same etymological root. The reason for this is because to listen deeply and enter into authentic conversation with another person creates the possibility that we may be changed. Perhaps another reason we often avoid truly listening to one another, in addition to the intention, time, and effort it takes, is that there is a certain kind of vulnerability in truly listening. When we truly listen to another person our perspective may be changed, and, we may create a deeper intimacy with the person to whom we are listening. Being that vulnerable can be scary.

Please don't take my word regarding what I have written here, try it  yourself. Over the next day or two I invite us all to make the effort to truly listen to the people with whom we interact. Practice the discipline, and intention it takes to listen deeply to another person. As you listen to them listen to truly understand what they are saying, experiencing, feeling, and thinking, and not simply to respond. Look the person in the eye and listen to the feeling and meaning behind their words. Ask clarifying questions that let the person know you really want to hear more about what they are saying. Be still within yourself and be fully present to what they are saying to you.

Try this several times and see what happens. See if you feel more connected with the people with whom you tried this.  Did anything change in your perspective on what you were hearing or how you understand that person?

Feel free to drop me a line and let me know how this experiment went. I love to hear stories of how good listening enriches relationships. And I promise... I will give my full attention to what you send me, and not be looking around at other emails while reading yours!

A New Kind of Fast

    Christians across the globe began the season of Lent this past Wednesday. Traditionally Lent has been marked as being a time to give something up.  There is a long tradition of fasting as a Lenten discipline which is where the idea of giving something up comes from.  When a person takes on the practice of fasting it is not to experience pain, but rather to practice the discipline of delaying gratification, which is an essential factor in all dimensions of wellness.  Fasting also helps to heighten  the awareness of the nature of one’s true hunger, helping to clarify our need or hunger for spiritual, emotional, and relational wellness. I love to study words, and so I find the word fast intriguing. Being that he word fast is a verb, adjective, and noun, it clearly has several meanings, including “to move quickly” and “to be firmly fixed.” To combine these two uses as they relate to the season of Lent, we could say that in the midst of our fast moving lives, Lent is a time to remember and reconnect with that to which we hold fast, that which grounds and firmly fixes our lives.

The word fast has also acquired another meaning, practices that individuals keep during Lent.  Fasting from food or drink, or certain kinds of food or drink, is a spiritual practice common to most religious traditions, for example. Recently though, many people have been trying a new kind of fasting for Lent. Pope Francis recommends these  new ways:

• Fast from hurting words and say kinds words.
• Fast from sadness and be filled with gratitude.
• Fast from anger and be filled with patience.
• Fast from pessimism and be filled with hope.
• Fast from worries and have trust in God.
• Fast from complaints and contemplate simplicity.
• Fast from pressures and be prayerful.
• Fast from bitterness and fill your hearts with joy.
• Fast from selfishness and be compassionate to others.
• Fast from grudges and be reconciled
• Fast from words and be silent so you can listen.

Fasting from certain foods or drink may impact our physical wellbeing, but by following this list from Pope Francis we will enhance our spiritual, emotional, and relational wellness as well.

Lent is a perfect time to slow down our fast lives and become more intentional about holding fast to the habits, beliefs, and practices that ground and secure our lives.

A Center of Resilience

     This past weekend my wife Holly and I had the honor of spending three days at an amazing church in the city of Marathon, located in the heart of the Florida Keys. We were at St. Columba’s Episcopal Church offering a variety of wellness programs, but in the end we received as much inspiration as any that we may have been able to give. More about that in a moment, but first a few words about the Florida Keys. The Keys have an incredibly vulnerable and unique ecosystem. The narrowness of the land masses and their position between the Gulf of Mexico and the Atlantic Ocean make the Keys, the 100 mile stretch of islands off the southern coast of Florida, indefensible when it comes to  storms. Hurricanes are a well known part of the history of this area, with some having packed wind speeds of 200 mph, causing thousands of fatalities over the years. These life-threatening storms are never far from Floridians’ minds in the summer and fall when hurricanes are more common.

The beautiful coral reefs that surround the Keys draw hundreds of thousands of divers, snorkelers, and fishermen from around the world, but these reefs are as fragile and vulnerable as the land they surround. Careless boaters that run aground on the coral reefs, as well as  changes in water temperature and quality are causing widespread damage to these reefs. The native fish population is as exotic as it is vulnerable to pressure from over-fishing and pollution. None of these challenges are too daunting though for the people who make their home in the Keys.  These locals, known as “Conchs,” are admired for their adventurous spirits, for living in a place where life is both incredibly beautiful and incredibly vulnerable and ever changing.

In this midst of this place of beauty sits St. Columba’s Episcopal Church. Ten years ago this church was close to closing, but since then, under the leadership of the Rev. Debra Andrew Maconaughey, along with many devoted lay leaders, the church has flourished and nearly tripled in size.  Just as importantly, the church has at the same time, become a real center of wellness for the wider community.

Several years ago St. Columba’s courageously bought a house that came up for sale right next door to the church. They gradually turned the house into an after school and summer camp center known as the Hammock House. There they provide an incredible array of programs that serve the emotional, educational, physical, and spiritual needs of children who are living in challenging home situations (the picture at the top of this column is from our visit with some of the children at the Hammock House).

The church also was instrumental in starting Independence Cay, a non-profit that serves people in need of transitional housing.  The church recently opened and now operates two different second-hand stores in Marathon that raises tens of thousands of dollars for these outreach ministries.

In addition, the people of St. Columba’s are the founders of Celtic Fest, a yearly Irish festival that just last month brought 7,000 visitors to Marathon for a weekend of Irish music and fun.  Add to this, their annual Bluegrass BBQ benefit which sells out every year, and you can see that this spirit-filled church not only knows how to do good, but it also knows how to have fun doing it.

When I asked Rev. Debra about the variety of outreach offerings her church offers, she shared with me that while everyone sees the Florida Keys as a kind of vacation paradise, in the Keys, just as everywhere else, people struggle with difficult life challenges.  Rev. Debra is proud that her church reaches out and serves the most vulnerable people, both children and adults, in the Keys.

As I reflect back on what Rev. Debra shared with me I was struck by what a parallel there is between the fragile and vulnerable ecosystem of the Florida Keys and the fragile and vulnerable ecosystems of the people her church serves, and in fact, those of all of our lives.  Florida residents tell stories of the hurricane storms that have disrupted their worlds and left them feeling so defenseless, and the storms even have names; Andrew, Charley, Frances, and Wilma.  Who amongst us can’t name storms that we have weathered that have disrupted  our lives?  These storms have names such as a health crisis, the loss of a relationship, the death of a loved one, or a loss of a job might be a few?  Even when our lives are going well and it seems that all is paradise, we know that we are always vulnerable to a sudden change in condition.

The main focus of the wellness programs we offered at St. Columba’s last weekend was about how to  build resilience-how to be better able to bounce back and persevere when life hands us unwanted challenges.  Throughout our talks we presented the fact that all the recent research on resilience focuses on two essential factors that contribute to a person having a good degree of resilience in the face of challenges.  These two factors are a strongly developed spirituality and a vital connection to a strong community of support.

After spending so much time with the people of St. Columba’s it is now clear why they are so resilient in the face of their many challenges- they have a strong sense of spirituality and a deep sense of community.  We would all be wise to learn from our new friends in the Keys.  The ecosystem of all of our lives are indeed fragile and each of us is vulnerable to storms at times, but with a strong sense of spirituality and community, we can be resilient even in the midst of life’s toughest challenges.

Living and Leading with Trust and Integrity

     Each of us is a leader in one way or another. If the decisions you make and the way you live your life influences at least one other person, then you are a leader. As our nation prepares to celebrate Presidents' Day, I would like to reflect on the theme of leadership, not from a political perspective, but from the perspective of what this column focuses on each week, namely the integration of spiritual, physical, emotional, and relational wellness. In the previous sentence I used a form of the word that is related to what I believe is the most important ingredient in any successful leader, and that is integrity. Integrity is related to the word integration, and a successful leader is a person who lives their live in a way that is whole and undivided. They are integrated spiritually, physically, emotionally and relationally, in all aspects of their life.

Take a few minutes right now to think back over your life to people in your life whose leadership has had a positive effect on you.

As you look at the list of the people you remembered, whether they were your parent, teacher, coach, boss, religious leader, or political leader, I imagine that what they all have in common is that they were people of integrity.  They were people you trusted, not only based on the content of their ideas, but also on the content of their character. They were probably also positive people who showed a strong integration between how they lived and how they led. The way they lived and treated people in their personal lives was congruent with how they led and treated people in their public roles.

Leadership is not only about knowledge and good ideas, although those are essential. Leadership is also about relationship, integrity, and trust.  It is one thing to say, "I don't agree with a leader's position or decision on a particular topic." It is quite another thing to say, "I don't trust this leader, I don't believe this person has integrity." I can follow the lead of someone with whom I disagree, but who has integrity and is someone I trust. It is difficult, if not impossible, for me to follow the lead of someone who I believe does not have integrity, and who I do not trust.

There is no question that we are all leaders in some form or another, simply because we all influence the people we connect with on a regular basis. The question is whether we are leading with integrity and trust.  Integrity and trustworthiness are not traits that can be faked. They are instead character traits that are developed from the inside out, and are demonstrated by an integration between how we live and how we lead over time.

I am not an expert on the life of Abraham Lincoln, one of the Presidents who inspired the creation of our Presidents' Day holiday, but the people I know who have studied his life closely describe him as a person of strong character and integrity, and also a person of deep humility and vulnerability. It is well known that both Lincoln and his wife struggled with bouts of depression, a fact that perhaps can help dispel the myth that a leader has to always be perfect, strong, and in control.

As we think of the leaders who have most positively influenced us in our lives, may we aspire to be positive leaders ourselves, who while at times are imperfect and vulnerable, are known for living and leading our lives with trust and integrity.

Standing In Love

As Valentine’s Day approaches, the topic of love will of course be much discussed. Much of that discussion will focus on the feelings associated with love. Advice will be given on how to create the feeling of love, how to sustain the feeling, and how to rekindle the feeling of love if it begins to fade.  

I am deciding to take a little different focus. I am not going to focus on the feelings of love at Valentine’s Day, but instead I’m going to focus on some “thoughts of love.” These thoughts about love apply to all expressions of love--the love of a spouse, a partner, a child, a parent or other family member, and/or a friend.

The first thought I’d like to offer about love is that love is not primarily a feeling, but rather, love is instead a decision. There are two pieces of wisdom embedded in this statement. The first is that feelings in any relationship ebb and flow. Feelings, like moods, sometimes have a cycle of their own and can seldom be trusted as a true measure of the state of a relationship. The second is that love is not just a matter of the heart, but is very much an act of the will. An exhausted parent who lovingly cares for a sick child, or an older person who becomes a caregiver to their aging spouse, is making a decision to be loving, even during times when they may not be feeling an abundance of loving feelings.

Whenever the topic of love is discussed, inevitably the discussion will turn to the idea of falling in love. Movies, books, and television shows often focus on, and celebrate the “falling in love” stage of a relationship. If a person knew nothing else about love except what the media portrays, one would think that falling in love was what love must be like  all the time. Anyone who has been in love, of course knows differently. The head over heals rush of falling in love is as powerful and wonderful as it is transitory. So given the fact that falling in love is such a small phase of any relationship, I would like to invite us to reflect on the importance of what comes after falling in love and that is learning to stand in love. Standing in love is an extension of the idea that love is not just a feeling, but also a decision.  Regardless of what we may or may not be feeling we can make a decision to stand in love in any relationship.

Some of the most beautiful words ever written about love do not talk about the feeling of love or falling in love at all, but instead about what it means to stand in love.

“Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13

This description of love refers to a series of decisions that we can choose to make each day. We can decide to be patient and kind. We can decide to not be irritable or rude. We can decide to endure and to believe.

So this Valentine’s Day, let’s not just focus on falling in love. Let’s also recommit ourselves to standing in love, as we make the decision to better love the family and friends that we are blessed to have in our lives.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. Decide to make it a great day!