Of Good "Stuff" and Slumps

 If you are a baseball fan, you are no doubt watching more games than usual as the playoffs are in full swing and the World Series will start soon. Even if you are not a baseball fan, please keep reading because this week's column is about so much more than just baseball.

     As with any pastime, baseball has a vocabulary that is all its own. If you watch a game you are likely to hear discussion about whether a pitcher has good "stuff" on any particular occasion.   Good "stuff" means that the pitcher has an intangible combination of good movement, good location, and good sequencing. If you continue watching a game you will at some point hear discussion of a batter who is experiencing a bad "slump." This means that the batter is not seeing and hitting the ball well and that his batting average over the last several days or weeks is far below what it has been for the season. Pitchers are delighted to have good "stuff" and batters dread finding themselves in a slump.

   What causes a pitcher to have great stuff and what causes a batter to be in a slump? If I knew the answers to these questions I would probably be managing a team in the World Series as these are the very questions players and coaches at every level of baseball are constantly trying to figure out. The truth is no one knows for sure and that is what makes baseball so fascinating.

   Why is it that some days you and I are really "on" at work? Why are some meetings really productive and the time flies by, and other meetings go nowhere and seem to last forever? Why is that some vacations are magical and others don't seem to work out so well? Why is it that sometimes when we go out for dinner with a friend or loved one the conversation really flows and we leave feeling inspired and uplifted, and other times we go out for dinner with that same person and the conversation is flat and our overall experience is uninspiring?

   It seems that in life, as in baseball,  our experiences are a mixture of good "stuff"and slumps. Sometimes we are "on" and everything is flowing and other times we are out of rhythm and nothing quite seems to be working. No one knows for sure what causes good "stuff" and slumps to happen when it comes to baseball, and I suppose that is true for life as well. I do, however, have a sense of what some of the factors are that influence the likelihood of us experiencing good "stuff" in our lives and I'd like to briefly touch on those in the remainder of this column.

1. The first factor that helps us have good "stuff" is being fully present. The opposite of being pressent is being distracted, being physically present, yet being somewhere else emotionally or spiritually. We can tell instantly when someone is really present to us and when she or he is distracted and only half listening to us. It might be more challenging, but equally important, to detect when we are the ones not being fully present to others.

2. A second factor that helps us have good "stuff"is preparation. If we show up for a meeting of any kind (work, family, or community) late and unfocused regarding what the gathering is to be about, there is not much chance that good "stuff"will happen.

3. Energy is another factor that influences good "stuff"happening. The energy we bring to an interaction in large part determines the outcome. Showing up tired and hoping to gain energy from an interaction is very different from showing up rested and looking to give energy to the interaction.

4. Finally, attitude makes a big difference in whether we will experience a slump or whether our "stuff"will be flowing well. To paraphrase Henry Ford, whether we think a meeting, conversation, or family gathering will go well, or whether we think it won't, we will usually be right.

   Note that these factors influence how our interactions will go and will guarantee or  control the outcomes of our various interactions with others.  They are factors that maximize the chances of more good "stuff' and less slumps happening, whether in baseball or in life. When slumps to occur though, experienced players continue to show up, keeping their focus, preparing well, bringing positive energy, and maintaining a positive attitude, knowing that doing so will help them get through a slump more quickly so that good "stuff" will happen again soon.

Connecting With The Source

I went apple picking with several members of our family last weekend and while doing so was reminded of a very important lesson.  It was a perfect fall day in Wisconsin with the bright shining sun, making the brilliant leaves of red and orange seem like they might burst into flames at any moment.  This made the drive through the country to Door Creek Orchard even more spectacular. As it turned out we were late in the season and were actually at the orchard on the last day that people could pick their own apples.  This meant we had to walk deep into the orchard to find the trees that still had apples on them, pulling our youngest apple picker in a bright yellow wagon provided by the orchard.  This was hardly something we minded given the beauty of the day.

We ended up picking twenty pounds of apples, mostly Jonagolds, Golden Delicious, and Honey Crisps.  It is Door Creek Orchard's tradition to encourage pickers to sample the apples as they go, and so we enjoyed a number of apples freshly picked from the trees during the hour we were in the orchard climbing, exploring, and picking.  We noticed as we wandered in the orchard that we were surrounded by a beautiful diversity of people, with folks of every age and background, all helping each other along the way.

All week long I have enjoyed the apples we picked.  They have been a staple for lunch each day and my wife and I turned several pounds into some wonderful applesauce.  I love apples and eat them on a regular basis, but there has been something special about eating these apples we picked ourselves.  I don't think that what has made these apples particularly special to me is just that they are so fresh.  I think what makes them so special is the intangible enjoyment that comes from the fact that we picked these apples by hand, right from the tree.  I know exactly where these apples came from and I connected with their source, the very trees and soil from which they came.  Because of this, I have treated these apples with a particular respect and reverence.

All of this serves as a powerful reminder to me as I consider my interactions with others.  In the rush of everyday life I sometimes fail to treat others with the respect that they are due.  When I slow down though and am mindful enough to remember the Source from which each person has come, I find that I treat others very differently.  When I remember the Source that has given life to each person, I am more apt to treat him or her with a certain reverence, one that honors each person's unique way of being in the world.

Each of the apples we picked at the orchard was unique in size, shape, and taste, and yet they all came from the same source.  So it is with the people in our lives.  Each is unique and yet each comes from the same Source.  I name that Source as God.  Others name that Source as nature, or the universe, or the divine.  However we name that Source, remembering to connect with it when we interact with all that it gives life to, whether that be apples or people, will heighten our ability to savor the unique gift that each of them is to the world.

Whoa!

A special word has caught my attention over the last few weeks. I’ve been hearing the word whoa a great deal recently, and am also noticing how often I say it myself.  I was with a group of people recently, for example, where a woman was describing the work she does as a tutor in an after school youth program.  As she talked about how necessary the work is and how moved she is by doing it, I noticed that several of us responded by saying, “Whoa, that is really powerful!” Recently I attended my young grandson’s birthday party where exclamations of “whoa” were everywhere.  Young children are easily awed by the smallest of things, whether it be a birthday cake, the gift of a new toy, a beautiful bird in a nearby tree, or the delight of being pulled around in a wagon.  And when young children express their awe and delight, they don’t just say it with their voice, they proclaim it with their whole body, their whole face lights up as they shout, “Whoaaaaaaaaa!”

If you look up the definition of the word whoa you will find that the first meaning is “a command to get an animal (commonly a horse) to stop or slow down.”  The second definition you will find  is “a greeting, to express surprise or interest.”  I would like to invite us to combine these two and think of “whoa” as what we feel or say when we take the time to stop or slow down enough to truly experience the moments of delight and awe that are all around us.  Think of small children who stop in their tracks to look at a caterpillar, full of excitement and wonder, an experience that we adults might easily miss.

It’s all too easy to get caught up in all the very real stresses and strains in our lives.  Life an be difficult and we all face many challenges in our relationships, our work, and our everyday lives.  At the same time, though, life is full of spiritual moments that transcend our struggles and these tiny miracles in our midst remind us of what is most important in life.  There are “whoa moments” in our lives each day and while we can’t necessarily create these moments, we can slow down enough to make sure we notice and appreciate them when they occur.

The next time a friend or family member tells you about a small victory in his or her life, be sure to slow down and truly listen so they know they are being heard.  Or the next time someone shares a challenge they have overcome, a new insight they have made, or a story of how they are making a difference in the world, pause long enough to truly honor and celebrate what they have shared.  When you do this, don’t be surprised if your response includes the word whoa.

What are the “whoa moments” in your life right now?  Are you slowing down long enough to notice and celebrate these moments?  If you are having a difficulty noticing these moments, I highly suggest spending some time with some two and three year olds.  I guarantee they will not only help you to better see, but to also give voice to, the “whoa moments” that are all around you.

Let's Talk

Since the release of her first book, Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other, Dr. Sherry Turkle, professor of the Social Studies of Science and Technology at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been described as the conscience of the digital/tech world.  Her new book, Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age, to be released next week, is already receiving a great deal of attention in large part due to an opinion essay written by Dr.Turkle and published by The New York Times this past week.  The essay based on her new book is entitled “Stop Googling.  Let’s Talk,” and it provides one particular insight that I would like to reflect upon in today’s column. We are all aware that the presence of cell phones can interfere with face to face conversations.  Most us have either been the person or have been talking with the person who picks up his or her cell phone in response to a text or email alert, right in the middle of a conversation.  We have all been in meetings, restaurants, or family gatherings where some people are paying more attention to what is happening on their phone screen than what is happening in the room.  Our cell phones and tablets give us the illusion that we can be two places at once, however the truth is that we end up not fully present in either place. Dr.Turkle highly recommends that cell phones and tablets be silenced and out of sight whenever we are engaging in face-to-face conversations, as they interfere with the relationship between the people involved. That did not surprise me.

What did surprise me though in the essay and what was a new insight for me is the idea that even the way we use technology when we are alone can have a negative impact on relationships. Being overly connected to our technology when we are alone can indirectly impair our ability to engage in meaningful fact to face conversations.  Her argument is this: A person who is bored when alone often turns to one of his or her “screens”— phone, tablet, computer, or television to interrupt the boredom.   Over time this conditions the brain to desire constant stimulation.  When this same person later finds him or herself in a face to face conversation, that person will, out of habit, turn to technology if they become bored, even when in the middle of a conversation.  When a conversation is perceived as not stimulating enough on its own, the temptation is then to pick up one’s phone, even in the midst of the conversation.  Interacting with technology can impact relationships in the moment and in the habits we develop over time.

Dr. Turkle’s point is that we are losing our capacity to be comfortable with solitude and quiet.  We are losing our capacity to be present to our own inner life.  We are also losing our ability to be present to the inner life of other people, even those with whom we are sitting face to face.

I know her insight to be true, as I see it in myself at times.  When I am disciplined about taking fifteen to twenty minutes each day to meditate and quietly self-reflect, I find that I am more present to others throughout the day.  When I don’t do this, when instead I am consistently wired and connected to my digital devices, it is just the opposite, and I am much less present to others, or to myself for that matter.

Dr. Turkle’s essay got my attention and as a result I have made a renewed commitment to reflect on my relationship with technology.  Not only will I focus on my use of technology when I am interacting with others, but also when I am alone.  I am grateful for her reminder for all of us, that spending more time alone, being more present to our own deeper thoughts and feelings is what also allows us to be more present to each other’s deeper thoughts and feelings as well.

The Wisdom of the Twelve Steps

 Most likely, everyone who reads this weekly column knows someone, whether they know it or not, who is in recovery from an alcohol or drug addiction. Some of you are in recovery yourselves and therefore know first hand the wisdom of the Twelve Steps, the core of many recovery programs. People who are not in recovery however, are often unaware of just how helpful the wisdom found in the Twelve Steps can be and how they can help anyone. In honor of September being National Recovery Month I will reflect on a few of the Twelve Steps and examine how each of them can help provide guidance for each of us as we strive to live lives of health and wellness.

     The first of the Twelve Steps is "We admit that we are powerless over alcohol-that our lives have become unmanageable." People with addictions are not the only people, however, who are capable of denying the obvious and who have parts of their lives that are unmanagable, even when it is obvious that something is having a negative effect on their lives. Organizations that continue "business as usual" when clearly the way they are doing things is no longer working are in denial that changes are necessary. Two people in a relationship who are suffering because of escalating conflict and yet are unwilling to face the conflict and make changes in their behavior are also in denial. The same is true when a person ignores warning signs that they have a health problem. All of these are examples of "an elephant in the room," something that everyone knows, but no one wants to talk about. Healing, recovery, and growth cannot begin until denial is broken through, and there is a willingness to acknowledge that life has "become unmanageable."

     "We have come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity," is step two of the Twelve Steps. Albert Einstein is known to have said, "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." A Higher Power is needed to expand our perspective and move us forward when we are stuck. A person in recovery may define that Higher Power as nature, love for another person, their "higher" self, or as God. If stuck in any type of ongoing negative pattern any of us has a better chance of changing when we tap into a higher level of consciousness as it gives us meaning, hope, and a broader perspective.

     Steps Five and Six of the Twelve Steps offer the wise advice that healing requires making a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves and then admitting our wrongdoings to ourselves, to others and to God. Taking an honest self-assessment can be both scary and yet, at the same time, very freeing. A wonderful thing happens when we acknowledge the hurts we have caused others and seek their forgiveness. It is freeing to acknowledge the ways we have hurt ourselves as well. When we admit our wrong doings to others, to ourselves, and to God the energy that has been tied up in regrets is then instead freed up to create a new and better future.

     There are countless books written about the wisdom of the Twelve Steps. If this has peaked your interest, I suggest you find such a book (One of my favorites is Breathing Under Water by Richard Rohr) and do some further study of these potentially life changing steps.

     My space is limited here so I've settled for sharing only four of the twelve steps with you. Although I have shared only these four steps any one in recovery can tell you that really living into these or any of the steps can take months or years to address fully. The same will be true of the rest of us as well, as this model of self-reflection is ongoing for all of us.

     I will conclude by sharing all of the Twelve Steps with you, and by giving thanks for the wisdom that people in recovery model for us  each and every day, one day at a time.