World Cup Fathers

Two of my favorite passions converge this weekend and I couldn't be more excited. A full slate of World Cup games are scheduled for this weekend and of course Sunday is Father's Day. One of my favorite memories of being a young father was being a soccer coach for many years for my children. So in light of this convergence of the World Cup and Fathers Day, I share with you ten things I have learned that are key for those of us who aspire to being either a good soccer coach or, much more importantly, a great Dad, or both. When I say that these are the things I have learned are important I mean that in the sense that these are ideal attributes that I now know we all need to strive to adopt. Do I often fall short of these ideals? Of course I do. That's why "eagerness to learn and improve" is on the list. With that in mind, feel free to pass these on to any youth soccer coaches or fathers you know. My Top Ten Traits of a Great Soccer Coach and a Great Dad

Energy and Enthusiasm: Move with the kids and have fun doing it. Make sure they feel how much you enjoy being with them.

Humor: Never take yourself too seriously. Lighten up and enjoy the ways kids are so unassumingly funny.

Affection: Kids don't care how much you know until they first know how much you care. Give affection freely.

Patience: I found this in a youth soccer coaching guide: "Coaches must keep cool throughout the constant stream of mistakes that make up a soccer game." I can't think of better advice for fathers as well--keep cool during the constant stream of mistakes that make up a life--both your kid's, and your own! Self-Control: Coaching begins with coaching yourself to be emotionally in control. Walk the talk and be a role model of the character values you strive to teach.

Generosity: Good coaching and good parenting each take time. Be as generous as you can with the amount of time you give your children.

Open-Mindedness and Eagerness to Learn and Improve: There is always more to learn. Read a book, attend a class, and talk to others with more experience. Learn from the feedback you receive from the kids as well.

Good Preparation: Have a realistic sense of how much can be accomplished--plan a few activities, but plan them well.

Focus Simultaneously on Both the Details and the Big Picture: This is both subtle and difficult, but key. The days may seem long but the years are short. Enjoy each day and each practice.

Be Your Kid's Number One Fan and Cheerleader: Through all the ups and downs, wins and losses be their loudest and most loyal cheerleader. It builds connection, morale, and makes them feel good. And speaking of being fan and a cheerleader, soccer fans are known for getting a little carried away in expressing their enthusiasm for their favorite team. In that spirit, how about we all do the same? Let's get a little carried away in expressing our enthusiasm for the favorite Dads we know and love in our own lives.

And to all the Dads who read this column, Happy Father's Day!

Rites of Passage

Have you ever thought about the importance and power of ritual? I have. In fact, I think about it all the time. As someone who has been a student and a practitioner of both religion and psychology my entire adult life, I have always been fascinated by ritual, and especially by rituals that mark important transitions in a person's life. Perhaps you know someone who is either graduating or getting married this time of year as it is the season for these events. Perhaps you will even be attending a graduation or wedding soon. If so, then you will be witnessing first hand the importance and power of ritual. Specifically, if you are part of a graduation or wedding ceremony, you will be witnessing and participating in what particular kind of ritual known as a rite of passage.

Rites of passage are ceremonies created and celebrated by communities to mark a person's transition from one stage of life to another. They are as ancient as human civilization itself. Everywhere, in every culture, rites of passage occur throughout the life cycle to mark a person's transition from one stage of identity--from youth to adulthood, from student to graduate, from work to retirement, from being single to being married, from life to death.

On one level, both graduations and wedding ceremonies celebrate the choices that individuals have made. A graduate is someone who has made disciplined choices for many years in order to achieve the honor of being able to graduate. A couple getting married is a celebration of two individuals who have made disciplined choices over time to build a relationship to which they now wish to make a lifelong commitment. Without the choices made by these individuals, there would be no rite of passage ceremony.

At the same time though, there would also not truly be a rite of passage ceremony without the gathering of the wider community to witness and celebrate it. It is not a coincidence that most graduation and wedding ceremonies include a gathering of multiple generations to both witness and celebrate the rite of passage. The wider communities of extended family, friends, colleagues, faculty, and neighbors all there to confer their blessing and recognition of the individual's new identity, whether that new identity be as graduate or as part of a newly married couple.

All of this a great reminder that a person's identity is always created through a combination of individual choice and communal blessing. No person is an island. The myth of the "self-made" individual is just that--a myth. Individual choice is necessary to create a new identity, but it is not sufficient. There must also be a formative community that both blesses and marks the individual's choices in order to confer the new identity.

So if you are invited to participate in a graduation or wedding ceremony this time of year, I hope you will joyfully accept. You have been invited because you are an essential part of the community that has formed that person's identity. Without you, they wouldn't be the person that they are today. They need you there to bless and mark their new identity, and to love and support them as they grow into who they are now becoming.

To Be All There

On Facebook this week, as news reports came in regarding the death of Maya Angelou, countless people remembered her in the most fitting way one can honor a poet and author--they shared some her most famous quotes and poems. Some people shared touching stories of how they reacted when they first encountered the words of Maya Angelou, while others shared how her life and voice continue to touch their lives. Living Compass has an active Facebook page where we love to post quotes and images that are both pithy and inspiring in nature. It would have been only natural for us to share a post featuring the words of Maya Angelou on the day that she passed, but we chose to go in a different direction in her honor. The quote that we posted on our Facebook page this past Wednesday was this: "Wherever you are . . . be all there."

I cannot think of a more fitting description of the way Maya Angelou lived than the words "be all there." Maya Angelou was "all there." Her soul and her presence embodied the words that were her voice. When she spoke or when she read something she had written, she was "all there." She radiated a unity of heart, soul, mind, and strength. She lived an undivided life, which is another way of describing what it means to be "all there." You and I may not have the gift to write like Maya Angelou, but each of us has other important gifts. Each of us has our own unique combination of passion and talents, our own unique combination of heart, soul, mind, and strength. Each of us has the ability to live an undivided life. Each of us has the capacity to be all there for ourselves and for others.

I conclude with two Maya Angelou quotes that I feel are worth our thoughtful consideration today, words that might help guide our lives going forward, in her memory.

The first quote is,"Listen to yourself and in that quietude you might hear the voice of God."  These words are actually the final words she tweeted on her Twitter account, four days before she died. To listen deeply to ourselves and to hear the voice of God are essential steps in living an undivided life.

The second quote contains wisdom that I have always tried to keep in mind in the way I relate with others.  "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

True enough to this quote, I have forgotten most of the words that I heard her speak, but I will never forget the over all impact of her life. The way she was able to integrate and transcend all that she experienced, including abuse in her childhood, has inspired me and provided me with hope in the midst of whatever challenges I have faced.

Thank you Maya Angelou for helping us to never forget the importance of living an undivided life and showing us what it looks like to be "all there."   While we may not always remember your words, we will always remember the way you have made, and continue to make, us feel.

Love, Service, and Sacrifice

As an Episcopal priest, I have been involved with many funerals through the years. I've observed that whenever someone has spoken at these services, or at the reception that followed, the comments offered about the deceased have almost always included stories about how the deceased had loved and served others. I've heard stories of community service, stories of those who were loving friend or neighbor, father or mother, grandparent, aunt or uncle, stories of volunteer work, stories of generosity regarding time and money, stories of working with non-profit organizations, stories of people who gave in and through a faith community, and stories of individuals who served their country. Rarely at a funeral have I heard stories of a person's worldly accomplishments, and even when those have been mentioned it was usually in the context of how the deceased used such accomplishments to serve and give back to others. In last Friday's column I wrote of how Jack, my father-in-law, was very near death. Jack passed away last Friday night. It was a peaceful ending, permeated with the love of family and friends. This weekend we will gather to remember and celebrate Jack's life, and I know there will be a myriad of stories shared about his love and service to others as they will help us all remember and honor his life.

Why do we tell these stories of love and service when we remember someone's life? There are probably many reasons, but two principle reasons come to mind. First, I think we cherish and share these stories because they are a very important way in which the love of the person who has died continues to live on for us. I believe that what you and I do for ourselves comes from our egos and what we do for others comes from our souls, and it is the soul of a person that continues to live on after death.

The second reason I believe we tell stories of a person's love and service to others is that they inspire all those who tell and hear them to live similar lives. Stories of sacrifice, stories of being there for others, stories of making a difference in the lives of others encourage and inspire us to go and do likewise. Our collective memory is best served when it is filled with stories of love, service, and sacrifice.

This Monday, as a nation, we will celebrate Memorial Day, a time for our collective memory to honor the stories of those who gave the ultimate sacrifice of their lives in love and service to our country. Remembering those who died in service to our country reminds us that we are the beneficiaries of their sacrifices and additionally inspires us to provide loving service to others, to a cause greater than ourselves. May those who gave so much inspire us to commit to some new form of love, service, and sacrifice for others.

As you celebrate this Memorial Day may you take time to remember and share with others the inspirational stories of those you have known who have loved, served, and sacrificed during their lifetimes.

Reach Out

Our grandson is now seven and half months old and his favorite thing to do is reach out to touch or grab any person he can reach. This is all well and good when it's a hand that he grabs, but it is a little more challenging when he grabs hold of someone's hair or glasses. He cannot speak words yet, but his reaching to touch and grab is always accompanied by the utterance of sounds and gurgles that I can only assume mean, "I'm glad to see you," or "It feels so wonderful to connect with you," or "Thanks for being here with me right now!" I will now fast forward to the other end of the life span. My father-in-law, Jack, is 85 and very near the end of his life. He had a severe stroke late last week and many members of our large family have spent the week gathered around his bedside, returning to him the love that he has so freely given all of us these many years. He is dying a holy and peaceful death, surrounded by the people and the thoughts and prayers of those who love him most.

The first days after my father-in-law had his stroke, he was drifting in and out of consciousness. He could not speak, but he was able to recognize his family and respond to them. Each time his response has been to reach out his hand to touch or express a desire to have his hand held by someone, while at the same time uttering sounds and gurgles that we can only assume mean, "I'm glad to see you," or "It feels so wonderful to connect with you," or "Thanks for being here with me right now!" The nearly exact parallels with the actions and sounds of our grandson are impossible to miss.

When our son, daughter-in-law, and grandson came to visit my father-in-law this week, you can imagine what happened. Great-grandfather and great-grandson reached out their hands to touch each other, accompanied by sounds of delight at connecting, that no doubt expressed something like, "I"m glad to see you," or "It feels so wonderful to connect with you," or "Thanks for being here right now!" There was, of course, at that moment, not a dry eye in the room.

From the moment we are born to the moment we die, we long to connect with each other. We have an innate need, and an innate longing to touch and be touched, to hold and be held. Our wellness and wholeness is truly dependent on being connected to each other.

Who do you know that needs a loving touch right now in your life? Who do you know that needs a helping hand? Might you make time to reach out that person today, or sometime soon? And remember, you don't need to utter a word. As both my grandson and my father-in-law are teaching me, the power of touch, at any age or stage of life, transcends the need for words.