When We Can't Untangle Ourselves

This is a picture of a humpback whale in great distress just outside of the Golden Gate bridge in California.  The whale had become entangled in numerous crab nets and traps and was struggling for survival when a fisherman saw the whale and radioed for help.  The whale was getting weaker and failing fast. When help arrived it became clear that there was no way the whale was going to be able to free itself.  The more frantically it tried to escape the nets the more they tightened.  The only possibility of saving the whale was for divers to enter the water with knives to cut the nets off of the whale.  This was of course going to be risky, but was less than might be expected as the whale was so exhausted.

The divers began their rescue attempt and the divers who were working near the whale's head reported that they felt the whales eyes watching them as they slowly the nets.  The divers' courageous efforts were successful and soon the whale was free.  Before the whale swam off, the whale circled the boats several times, seemingly saying a thank you for saving its life.

I have been both the whale and the divers in this story at different times in my life.  I have been the one in need of help and the one to offer help.  I'm guessing this probably is true for most of you as well.    There have been times when I've been tangled up in worry about how I was handling a difficult situation and other times when I have been tangled in grief or self-doubt.   What has made all the difference in such a situation is when a friend or loved one has taken the time to listen to my worries and thoughts, and helped me sort through them.  A listening ear, and a listening heart, can help set us free and help give us the clarity we need to choose a course of action, resolve our worry, or move through grief.

I have worked with many people in my ministry who find themselves tangled up in shame, guilt, and self-criticism.  This in turn often manifests itself in more tangles--tangles with alcohol or drugs, or tangled up relationships.  While the divers used knives to free the whale, the primary tool we have to help others who are ensnared in shame and self-criticism are simply our loving and compassionate presence.  One conversation at a time, we can help cut the cords of whatever nets are binding them.

Perhaps you know someone who is tangled up in some way right now.  Maybe it is you.  Any of us can get entangled in worry, grief, self-doubt, anger, some kind of addiction, or an unhealthy relationship.  Perhaps the story of the whale who was helpless and the divers who risked getting involved will inspire us to either reach out for help or do what we can to make a difference for another, whichever the case may be.  The divers had no idea if they would be successful or not, and yet they had the courage to try, and the whale was able to trust that the divers could help.  May we be inspired to do the same, whoever we are in the story.

The Chess Teacher

I learned two very important lessons this week playing chess with a stranger in Washington Square Park in New York City.  I am in New York for several meetings related to Living Compass, including an all-day presentation at General Theological Seminary.   I had some free time one sunny afternoon, and being an avid chess player, I walked over and observe some games being played by locals at Washington Square Park.  The park's chess players are quite famous and have been featured in many movies, most notably Searching for Bobby Fischer.  Playing a game of chess at Washington Park has always been on my bucket list and I'm happy to say it has now been crossed off.  

As I approached the chess tables in the southwest corner of the park, I noticed there were several intense games going on.  Many had several spectators surrounding them and so I excitedly joined in to watch some very high level chess chess, hoping to learn a thing or two.  I walked around for some time, watching several games, when I heard a man call out to me.  He motioned me over and asked if I wanted to sit down and play a game.  I was delighted to do so.  We introduced ourselves and I found out his name was James.

James,  whom I had noticed earlier while I had been observing the other games, had been sitting by himself, surrounded by a few bags of what I assumed were all of his worldly possessions.  He was now at a chess table with all the pieces set up when he invited me be play. He graciously offered the white pieces, which if you know anything about chess, is always an advantage.  I tried to defer, but he would not hear of it.  He said he was a regular at the park and I was obviously a guest, and so as a guest I should play the white pieces.

I'm not proud of this, but I was already making the assumption that I was going to be a much better chess player than James based on his appearance, and so that was why I was trying to let him play white to give him the advantage.  Again, and I'm embarrassed to admit this, I made the assumption that a person living on the streets probably wouldn't be very good at chess. This was the first lesson I learned--even though it's something I seem to have to relearn over and over again--I cannot judge a person by their appearances.  How many times have we all done this, and how many times have we been wrong?  Appearances really tell us so little!

I made my first move with white, and  I immediately realized I had misjudged James.  After I completed my opening move (a Queen's Pawn opening for those of you who are chess players) James looked me in the eye and said, “Now there's one more detail we have to agree on.  I play all my games for $10 a game--winner take all.”  The fact that he said this with a glint in his eye made it clear to me that I was in the presence of a brilliant chess player.  I then continued my opening of the game with the Queen's Gambit, which he chose to accept. He then went on to play a variation of defense that I had never seen before, and I play a lot of chess!  I kept thinking to myself, “this man is a genius,” at the same time I was feeling so embarrassed about how I had prejudged him.

The game went back and forth for a long time.  We traded pieces every step of the way and the game was completely even for the first forty-five minutes.  I was hanging on as best as I could when he made a brilliant move to capture a passed pawn I had on the far left side of the board.  In a close game, the loss of one pawn can be the difference between victory and defeat, and in this case that's exactly what happened.  Ten moves later James checkmated me.

I learned two important lessons during my game at Washington Square Park.  The first, as stated, is to be more aware of the filters I use, consciously or unconsciously, as I make assumptions about others.  They are never helpful and are almost always wrong.  Every one of us is much more complex and much deeper than our simple appearance reveals.  The second lesson I learned is this: always advance a passed pawn as early in the game as you can.  You see, after our game ended, James took the opportunity to teach me this lesson.  He recreated from memory the exact set up of the board when he made the decisive winning move.  He showed me how I should have played the situation and how I could have forced a tie game if I had played it correctly.  The lesson was brilliant.  For a good ten minutes he was my teacher and I was his student. I handed James a twenty dollar bill when I stood up to leave.  He said he wasn't sure he could make change for a twenty.  I said there was no need for change--that ten dollars was for his victory, and the other ten dollars was for the lesson about how to advance a passed pawn correctly.   I refrained from mentioning that the more important lesson he had taught me that day, about judging others, was priceless.

Hunting For Resurrection

Some people are uncomfortable with the fact that many of the current customs and traditions that surround religious holidays seem purely secular, having nothing to do with the true meaning of the religious nature of the holiday being celebrated.  The celebrations that surround most Christian holidays, however, include many traditions whose origins are other than Christian.  As Christians prepare for the celebration of Easter, we once again see the mixture of sacred and secular traditions as bunnies, eggs, and resurrection flow together in the celebrations of most people who celebrate Easter. The mixing together of Christian and non-Christian traditions has never really upset me.  In fact, I embrace this confluence of traditions because I believe that in order for anything to actually become an ongoing tradition, it must in some important way connect to and help amplify the meaning of what is being celebrated.  For me, there is ultimately no separation between the sacred and the secular; that which is sacred is present in every aspect of life no matter what day of the year it is.

Our modern celebration of Easter includes many traditions with non-Christian origins.    One of my favorites is the tradition of Easter eggs which comes from an ancient fertility rite.  Who doesn't enjoy placing a hard boiled egg in a cup of dyed water and watching it almost magically take on the color of the dye?  And for the more adventurous, there is the tradition of egg blowing, whereby an egg is carefully emptied through the careful blowing out of the whites and yolk and then carefully decorated.

Then there is my  favorite tradition of all,  the tradition of the hunting for eggs.  I love Easter egg hunts!  I loved participating in them as a child and I loved creating them every year for our three children.   This Easter tradition, while carried out in many homes, is also celebrated in many churches and community centers  as well,     including the White House which has been hosting one for 135 years.

An Easter egg hunt is a perfect example of how a non-Christian tradition helps illuminate and amplify the truth of what Christians are celebrating on Easter.  Easter egg hunts remind us that sometimes we have to look around and do a little searching to discover the signs of resurrection around us.  Sometimes the signs of resurrection are obvious and easy to find and sometimes they are  more hidden and we have to work a little harder to uncover them.  The Easter egg hunt also shows us that we are better off if we  go looking for resurrection together.  Who ever heard of a solitary Easter egg hunt, of a person looking for eggs alone?  The discovery of resurrection, too, is always more fruitful when experienced in community with others and is a lot more fun that way as well. There is one final truth regarding resurrection that we can also learn from the tradition of the Easter egg hunt.  In order for there to even be an Easter egg hunt, someone has to first make the commitment to place the eggs in their hiding places.  When it comes to resurrection it is God, of course, who has already placed the signs of resurrection in countless places in our world.  Now it is up to us to search for them, and when we discover them, to rejoice  with the same delight as young children do at an Easter egg hunt when they discover the hidden eggs. We at Living Compass wish all of you a most joyous Easter.

What the Pope Election Teaches Us About Making Good Decisions

We all face important decisions in our lives.  Is it time to look for a new job or even a new career?  What school do I want to attend, or what school will be best for our child? Should I move to a new city? Is this the right relationship for me?  Should I begin training for a marathon? Is it time to think about retirement? I'm looking for a way to volunteer and give back to the community, but I'm not sure where to start.  In many ways our identity is simply the product of all the decisions we have made in our lives.  The decisions we make are that important.A group of men gathered in Rome this past week to make an important decision as they were charged with electing a new pope.  While most of the decisions you and I make do not attract a great deal of public attention, this decision-making process captured the attention of the world.  People worldwide were so interested in the making of this decision that there was even a pope app that millions were using to track the election.  Over five thousand journalists from all corners of the globe were gathered at the Vatican, all watching a small chimney, waiting for the white smoke to appear signifying that a decision had been made. I believe we can learn something important about wellness from following the recent election of a new pope.  Wellness is all about making decisions.  Our physical, spiritual, emotional, relational, and vocational wellness is created by all the little and big decisions we make on a daily basis.  As I watched the cardinals gather to make the decision about who the new pope would be, I saw them demonstrate two essential guidelines for making important decisions--decisions that will lead to greater wellness and wholeness. The first guideline for making good decisions that the conclave of cardinals demonstrated for us is that the best decisions are made when they are made in the context of community.  The collective wisdom of a group is always greater than the wisdom of any one individual.  To apply this to our own lives means that when we have an important decision to make we will be wise to create our own “conclave”, our own community of support.  If you are thinking of making a career change, or if you are thinking of downsizing and simplifying your life, reach out and talk to as many people you know who are currently working on a similar decision or who have already worked through a similar decision.  If you are thinking of running your first marathon, you would greatly benefit from talking to everyone you know who has run a marathon or who is currently training for one.  Such conversations will build a community of support for us that will help us make and implement important decisions in our lives. The second decision-making guideline the conclave of cardinals demonstrated for us is that decisions are always best when they emerge from and are congruent with our core values and beliefs. While this may seem obvious in an explicitly religious decision making process such as the election of a pope, this same guideline applies to the important decision in our lives.  We will greatly benefit from first clarifying our core values and beliefs so that we can be sure that the decision we make emerges from and supports those core values and beliefs.  In our Living Compass program we talk about how the compass of our core beliefs and values needs to be the orienting compass for the decisions we make.  All important decision points are opportunities to clarify and strengthen our core values and beliefs. So the next time you have an important decision to make, call your friends and form a community of support.  Lock yourselves in a room with pieces of paper to write on and a wood-burning stove. Talk amongst yourselves, clarify your core beliefs and values, and when you have made your decision, send up a puff of white smoke to let the world know.  While, of course, you and I won't literally gather friends and vote in this way, the guidelines that underlie the process of electing a pope will serve us well in the important decisions we make in our own lives.

Springing Back to Life

In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where I live, we recently received eight inches of wet, heavy snow.  The local radio station referred to this type of snow as “heart attack” snow because of the risk that comes from shoveling such heavy snow.  While I am happy to report that I did not hear of any people suffering a heart attack related to the snowfall, the news was not so good for trees in our area.  I unfortunately heard many reports and saw many photographs of trees whose branches had broken under the weight of the heavy snow.We have many evergreen trees in our yard and so we were especially worried about how the heavy snowfall might damage these trees.  During the storm, my wife and I  slogged our way outside through the snow with brooms in hand to brush and shake off the limbs that were quickly becoming weighted down with the heavy snow.  We found that there was something almost magical about this experience of shaking off the beautiful, but heavy snow.  The magic was not so much to be found in the beauty of the freshly fallen snow, but rather in the joy of “freeing” each snowbound tree branch.  I could almost hear each branch  groaning under the weight of the snow, and then in the instant that the snow was removed, I could imagine the branch shouting, “Thank you” as it sprang back to its natural position. A couple of months ago I was struggling with a new project that I was creating.  I was stuck.  I wasn't sure which direction to go and the longer my indecision went on, the more I began to second guess myself.   Like the trees in my yard this week, I was weighed down and not feeling very resilient.  I was fortunate at that moment to have a couple of close friends and colleagues reach out to me and offer some much needed encouragement, along with some helpful feedback.  It was amazing what a difference their words and gestures made.  It was as if they had come by with their brooms and knocked all the snow off my branches.  Suddenly I was springing back to life, and saying, “Thank you” to my friends. It seems that you and I are a lot like trees in that we, too, can find ourselves overwhelmed and weighed down, especially when life has dumped some heaving things on us.  A recent loss causes a person to feel alone and isolated--but just then a thoughtful call or visit from a friend helps them come back to life.  A child comes home from a bad day at school, obviously burdened by what happened that day.  Fortunately they are welcomed home by a kind, patient parent who creates a safe space for the child to talk about what happened.  After the talk, the child begins to spring back to life.  A person acknowledges his or her wrong-doing and takes full responsibility for hurting someone they love, and suddenly the relationship begins to spring back to life. And to paraphrase what Jesus said: “Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will brush the snow off your branches.” Who do you know that needs a loving word or gesture from you which could help them shake off what life has dumped on them?  Who do you know that has been through a recent storm and is feeling especially burdened right now?  Are you willing to put on our boots, get out your broom, and do what it takes to help?  I hope so, because there is nothing quite like the magic of helping another living creature--whether it be a person or a tree--spring back to life.