Shape Up for Lent!

Every Tuesday I lead both a wellness program and a worship service at St. John's on the Lake, a retirement community here in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.  With today being Ash Wednesday, I focussed our wellness discussion at the retirement community yesterday on the season of Lent.  I gave some of the history of Lent and reminded everyone that this season is a time for us to be more reflective and intentional in regards to our spiritual life.  It is a time for us to give something up, and/or to take something one, such as a spiritual discipline.  In retrospect, I got a little long winded in my remarks.  When I was finished, a ninety-two year old woman raised her hand.  I asked Jean what was on her mind.  She said, kindly, but wisely, “All that talk about Lent sounds pretty fancy.  But if you ask me, Lent can be summed up in two words.”  Of course, the group of twenty all wanted to know what those two words were.   Jean then offered a much better description of the essence of Lent than the long winded explanation I had just given, but saying that Lent is simply a time to, “Shape up!”   When we talk about getting in shape we are usually referring to the physical dimension of our wellness.  Starting or expanding an exercise program, or changing our eating habits will help us get in better shape.  When my ninety-two year old friend Jean summed up Lent as “shape up” I don't think she was thinking about a person's physical wellness, as important as that may be.  Jean was talking about our spiritual wellness.  And as the rest of the group joined in our discussion yesterday, the discussion expanded to talking about Lent as a time to shape up our emotional wellness (a time to “fast” from criticism, one person suggested) and our relational wellness (a suggestion was made to make amends with those with whom we are in conflict).

  Shape up!  This is what Lent invites us to do.  Lent offers us the chance to shape up our spiritual, emotional and relational wellness.  Perhaps you find yourself carrying a little extra emotional weight these days?  What a great time work through that and to shape up.  Have you lost some flexibility and become a bit rigid in an important relationship in your life?  It might be time to do some stretching exercises and in the process,  shape up.  Are you feeling a little spiritually week and sluggish right now?  It might be time to try some new exercises, some new routines, to strengthen your soul and in the process shape up.

  Your local congregation offers plenty of opportunities to get yourself in shape this time of year.  As my pastor, the Rev. Gary Manning explained so well this past Sunday, all these extra offering are not intended to be one more thing for you to feel guilty about not doing, but just the opposite--they are offered as a source of rest, refreshment, and nourishment for your spiritual, emotional, and relational well-being.  And know that whatever shape you currently find yourself in, you are welcome just as you are.  All you need to bring is an open heart, an open soul, and a genuine desire to.........shape up.

The Best Valentine's Gift of All

It is estimated that 18 billion dollars will be spent on Valentine's Day this year.  This  figure includes 4 billion dollars on flowers, 4 billion dollars on jewelry, and 3.6 billion dollars on dining out.  The other, a bit over 6 million dollars, includes candy, cards, and other gifts.  While I'm no Scrooge when it comes to Valentine's Day, I would like to suggest another gift that we can give someone we love.  This gift is priceless yet costs nothing and we can give it to any one we love at any time.  It is the gift of listening.Roy and Dorothy Fleming have given the gift of listening to each other day in and day out, throughout their 80 years of marriage.   That's right, 80 years.  Roy was 20 and Dorothy was 15 when they married in Milwaukee on February 6, 1932.  They were featured in an article in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel this past week and you can read all about their relationship here:  http://www.jsonline.com/news/milwaukee/couple-celebrates-80-years-of-compromising-qu43ef7-138829074.html

One of the attributes that Ray says was most attractive to Dorothy when they met was that he was a good listener.  Apparently Ray's ability to listen was genuine because it has lasted all of these years.  Dorothy said that the true reason for their 80 years of happiness is that they have both always been good at compromising.  In order to be good at compromising both people have to work at listening.  Compromise can only be created when both people have worked to listen to what their partner truly needs and wants and are willing to bend. One way to think about how wonderful it feels to have someone give us the gift of listening is to reflect on how bad the opposite experience feels.  Have you ever found yourself talking with a person in a crowded room only to realize that the person you are talking with is looking over your shoulder wondering who they are going to talk with next?  They are clearly not listening to you and there are few experiences that feel worse.

  We have just the opposite experience when someone gives us their full attention.  We feel appreciated and valued when someone really listens to us.  The most important quality of good listeners is that they listen not just with their heads, but they listen with their hearts and souls.  They listen to what you are not saying as much as to what you are saying.  They listen to the feelings and longings behind your words, and never judge you for what you are thinking or feeling.

  You cannot find the gift of listening online or at a store.  You can however find it in your heart, and you can choose to give it to everyone you love this time of year.  We may not have many relationships in our lives that will last  80 years like that of Roy and Dorothy Fleming, but we can be assured that the important relationships that we do have will be happier and more life giving if we truly work to listen to each other each day. Happy Valentines Day to all of you.

Love and Delight

This photo has been circulating online the last several weeks.  As people have seen the photo they have been offering a caption or a quote that comes to mind.  When I first saw this photo, two quotes immediately came to mind for me.  The first  is from one of my favorite songs, “Simple Gifts.”“And when we find ourselves in the place just right,

It will be in the valley of love and delight.” The other quote that came to mind is from the book of Proverbs: “A cheerful heart is a good medicine,

but a downcast spirit dries up the bones.” May this photo cheer up you heart, and may it help you to both experience and express love and delight in your corner of the world.

Is there a quote or caption that comes to mind when you see this photo?  If so, please let us know, and we'll share them in next week's column.

The Healing Power of Community

My entire professional career has focussed on healing. As a therapist, spiritual director and pastor, I have been honored to walk with thousands of individuals, couples and families on their journeys of healing. I know first hand the healing power of a counseling relationship as well as the healing power of small groups. This past week I had a unique opportunity to witness another level, another dimension of healing, and I would like to share, as well as recommend, my experience with you. My wife and I spent the last week with the good people of Trinity-by-the-Cove Episcopal Church in Naples, Florida where we had been invited to share part of our Living Compass program. Trinity-by-the-Cove is a thriving congregation, in no small part due to its rector, The Rev. Michael Basden, who has served the parish since 1999. The average Sunday attendance is strong year round, doubling in the "high season," January through April, as snowbirds from the north arrive to enjoy the Florida sun.

Several of the programs that we offered while we were at Trinity-by-the-Cove focused on helping people to maintain wellness and wholeness in the midst of a major loss or transition. Talking with the people who are participating in these programs gave us the chance to hear first hand reports of what has and is helping people heal, and what has and is giving them hope and strength to persevere in the midst of tough times.

When people shared regarding what had been significantly helpful as they worked through a loss or transition, we heard an array of things we might of expected. Many people spoke about the importance of family and friends. Others spoke about the importance of healing "professionals"--doctors, clergy, therapists and nurses. Still others spoke about the importance of support groups. And then there was one other very important instrument of healing that each person talked about, and that is the healing power of community.

It was inspiring to hear so many stories of what the power of community meant to the members of their church, Trinity-by-the-Cove. The stories were simple, but profound. "My church is my touchstone as I work through my grief. Seeing my friends each week at worship, at coffee hour or at Bible Study on Wednesday makes all the difference in my life." Another person shared, "So much has changed in my life in the last five years, but my church remains the constant in my life." And another commented, "The meals, the phone calls, the rides, the visits, the pastoral care, and the prayers have been a life saver for me."

In a culture that has so professionalized healing, it is easy to overlook the simple, healing power of community. I, for one, needed this reminder and am grateful to the people of Trinity-by-the-Cove for not just telling me about the healing power of community, but for showing it to me first hand.

Presenteeism

I live in Wisconsin and all across our state this past Sunday afternoon you could sense the collective frustration as the Green Bay Packers lost their first round playoff game, a game they were heavily favored to win.  The Packers went into that game against the New York Giants as the defending Super Bowl champions with the best regular season record of any team in the National Football League.  Fans were already looking forward to the Packers playing in the NFC title game the following week and many had made Super Bowl plans to celebrate a second consecutive Super Bowl Title. The pain of the fans regarding the Packer's loss was not just that they did not expect it to happen.  It was due to the fact that the game was not even close.  The Giants completely outplayed the heavily favored Packers.  The comments that I heard and read most frequently this past week from fans and sportswriters alike were that,  “The Packer's just never showed up.”  Others lamented that, “The Packer's were a ‘no show' for their first round playoff game,” and some even said “The Packers were ‘missing in action.'”  The contrast between their playoff performance and how fully present they had been from most every other game this season was dramatic.

There is a relatively new concept from the field of workplace wellness that would seem to describe the Packer's performance this past Sunday.  The concept is “presenteeism”, and it is a cousin to the concept of absenteeism.  Absenteeism in the workplace means that the person does not physically show up for  work.  Presenteeism in the workplace instead means that an employee is present in the workplace, but something is causing them to not be “all there” and so their work is being performed at a subpar level.  Of course, any of us can suffer from some degree of presenteeism on any given day.  Fortunately for us though, unlike what happened to the Packers last week, there aren't fifty million people witnessing our subpar performance.

So far the concept of presenteeism has only been researched in the area of workplace wellness.  I have been doing some additional thinking though about how presenteeism can show up in the area of family wellness.  What happens when parents are physically present with their children, but are not “all there?”  What happens when spouses are physically present in the same home, but are emotionally a thousand miles apart?  How present can a person be to family and/or friends when they are chronically stressed, or when they are exhausted from being over-scheduled? What about when they are not “all there” because of their patterns of alcohol or drug use?

The costs of presenteeism in the work place are usually considered economic.  The costs of presenteeism in terms of personal and family wellness, however, could be additionally increased anxiety, hurt feelings, conflict, depression, diminished or broken relationships and an overall lack of vitality and wellness.  Understanding the seriousness of chronic presenteeism in terms of family wellness is something we would all be wise to take a look at in our lives.

LIke the Packers, or for that matter any sports team or athletes, we will all have our off days, days when we just aren't “all there,” but if you find that you are having more of those days than you are comfortable with, hit the pause button and take some time to reflect on what might need to change in your life.  Start making those changes today and soon you will find yourself being more present to those around you, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well.