Standing in Love

Standing in Love

As Valentine's Day approaches, the topic of love will, of course, be the center of attention, with a primary focus on the feelings associated with love. Thought will be given to how to create the feeling of love, sustain it, and rekindle the feeling if it begins to fade. 

We are taking a little different approach. We are not going to focus on the feelings of love on Valentine's Day, but instead, we will focus on some thoughts about love. These thoughts apply to all expressions of love--the love of a spouse, a partner, a child, a parent or other family member, and/or a friend.

The first thought about love we'd like to offer is that love is as much a decision as it is a feeling. Feelings in any relationship ebb and flow. Emotions, like moods, can take on a cycle of their own and can seldom be trusted as an accurate measure of the strength of a relationship. For this reason, it's wise to recognize that love is not only a matter of the heart, but is also very much an act of the will. An exhausted parent, for example, who lovingly cares for a sick child, or a person who becomes a caregiver to a loved one is most likely making a decision to be loving, even while their feelings of love may ebb and flow.

Imagine there is an unresolved conflict between two people who care about each other. This conflict, in this example, has created strain in the relationship, even to the point where they hardly speak to each other anymore. Now imagine one person, uncomfortable with this, decides to reach out to the other person and begin a process of healing and reconciliation. They likely are making that decision hoping it will lead to a restored feeling of closeness and connection. They are deciding to act in a loving way, even if the feeling of love is not currently present.

When the topic of love is considered, the focus is often on the feelings associated with falling in love. Popular culture often focuses on and celebrates the "falling in love" stage of a relationship. If a person knew nothing else about love except what the media portrays, one would think that falling in love was what love must be like all the time. Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship, of course, knows differently. The head over heals rush of falling in love is as powerful and wonderful as it is transitory.

So given that falling in love is such a small phase of any relationship, we would like to reflect on the importance of what comes after falling in love, which is learning to stand in love. Standing in love is an extension of the idea that love is not just a feeling but also a decision. Regardless of what we may or may not be feeling, we can make daily decisions to stand in love in any relationship.

The quote above from poet Mary Oliver captures this with an economy of words. She reminds us to breathe in all the feelings that come and go in relationships and then to choose to breathe love out into our relationships and the world at large.  

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. May we all decide to renew our commitment to standing in love with the people who matter most in our lives.  

Making It Personal

1. What do you think about the idea that love is as much a decision as a feeling?

2. Can you think of a time when you decided to express love, even if you weren't necessarily feeling it at the time?

3. Is there someone you would like to practice standing in love with right now? What could you do about that this week?

(Today’s column focusing on the wellness area of Healthy Relationships is the fifth in an eight-part series that will explore the eight areas of wellness that are part of the Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being.)

To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

Each week Holly and Scott Stoner record the Wellness Compass Podcast. Each episode is about 15 minutes and offers a deeper dive into what appears here in the written column. In this week’s episode, they expand on the topic of standing in love. You can listen to the Wellness Compass podcast in your favorite podcast app—just search for “The Wellness Compass,” and you can listen by clicking HERE and scrolling down to this week’s episode.

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Celebrating Playfulness

Celebrating Playfulness

Imagine you have just met someone who recently moved to the United States from another part of the world, and this person has never heard of Groundhog Day, so they ask you to explain it. You begin by telling them about a little town in Pennsylvania called Punxsutawney, hoping they don't ask you how to spell it. You explain that a groundhog named Phil lives there and is reported to be immortal, now having lived 137 years.  

You continue with how every year on February 2nd, Punxsutawney Phil is placed inside a simulated stump in front of a large, cheering crowd. And the moment everyone waits for is when this rodent, a cousin to the squirrel, emerges from his "stump." It is then that we find out if he sees his shadow or not. If he does, it means six more weeks of winter; if he does not, spring is just around the corner. Every news outlet has something to say about the events in Punxsutawney on Groundhog Day, and never does a groundhog receive so much attention on social media. 

By this point, you and your friend are probably having a good laugh about how cold weather can get to all of us sooner or later. You both realize how winter can even make a country of otherwise rational people celebrate a winter festival centered around a groundhog predicting the weather. The point of this fun celebration is just that--it is silly for sure and gives us all a chance to be playful.

When our kids were little, we, like many parents do, used to love reading silly stories to them. The more outlandish the story, the better. When we didn't have a good book to read, we were delighted to make stories up, spinning very elaborate yarns about a fictional family called the Langerts and their crazy adventures. These stories were just as silly as the stories we heard about a groundhog this week and were just as much fun. Groundhog Day is proof that we never outgrow our love of silly stories. 

There are many, many serious things going on in the world today. There is a time to be very serious about life, and most of us do "serious" pretty well. What's more challenging for many of us is remembering to make time for play and silliness.

Punxsutawney Phil made his prediction this week, and so we would like to make one of our own. If we don't make time for playfulness in our lives, we predict there may be more weeks of gray clouds ahead. However, if you can make some time for fun in your life, we predict a new spring in your step will be just around the corner.

Making It Personal:

When was the last time you did or enjoyed something playful or fun? 

When was the last time you let your imagination run wild? 

What's something you could do this week that would be playful? 

(Today’s column focusing on the wellness area of Rest and Play is the fourth in an eight-part series that will explore the eight areas of wellness that are part of the Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being.)

To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

Each week Holly and Scott Stoner record the Wellness Compass Podcast. Each episode is about 15 minutes and offers a deeper dive into what appears here in the written column. In this week’s episode, they expand on the topic of playfulness and wellness. You can listen to the Wellness Compass podcast in your favorite podcast app—just search for “The Wellness Compass,” and you can listen by clicking HERE and scrolling down to this week’s episode.

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Loving Every Body

Loving Every Body

It's about that time of year when the resolve that felt so strong at the beginning of the new year begins to fade. One reason may be that the resolution to change was not rooted in self-love, but instead in self-doubt or self-criticism.  

As the quote above states so clearly, there are those who profit by creating self-doubt, with subtle and not-so-subtle messages that we are not okay as we are. If only we had more of this, less of that, looked more like this, achieved more of that, possessed more of this, or experienced more of that, maybe then, or even only then, could we be truly content.  

We ground everything we offer in our Wellness Compass initiative in self-love. So, for example, if and when a person wants to make a change, we first help them to make sure that their desire to change comes from a source of positive motivation, not from a place of self-criticism, self-doubt, or because someone else thinks they need to change.  

The most common New Year's resolutions each year relate to how we care for our bodies and our physical well-being. This area of wellness is often filled with shame and self-criticism. Social media and the messages of our popular culture can create a sense of self-doubt. 

Here's a little exercise to try. If someone asked you, "What do you really like about your body," how easily could you answer, and how long would your list be? Compare that to your response if someone instead asked, "What do you currently not like about your body?" For many of us, the answers to the second question come much easier, while we have to think much harder about our responses to the first question. Another simple exercise is this: When you look in the mirror, what are the first thoughts that come to mind? These questions are meant to help us be more aware of our inner voices and what they are saying to us about how we feel about our bodies.

If you made a resolution related to the care for your body and are struggling to stay with it, take a moment to examine your motivation. And if you want to start over again, perhaps you can start by simply resolving to fully love your body as it is. If you start with that, then your body can let you know if or when there is something it would like to be different. It's similar to how we care for a good friend. We don't ever use shame or doubt to get them to change. But if there is a change they want to make, we are quick to offer our love and support to help them make that change. Perhaps we can provide that same kind of approach to ourselves.  

Making It Personal

1. How did you respond to the questions about what you like about your body vs. what you don't like? Which was easier for you to answer?

2. Can you think of a time when you decided to change how you cared for your physical well-being from a motive of loving self-care? If so, what did you learn from that experience?

(Today’s column is the third in an eight-part series that will explore the eight areas of wellness that are part of the Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being.)

To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

Each week Holly and Scott Stoner record the Wellness Compass Podcast. Each episode is about 15 minutes and offers a deeper dive into what appears here in the written column. In this week’s episode, they expand on the topic of how we care for our bodies. You can listen to the Wellness Compass podcast in your favorite podcast app—just search for “The Wellness Compass,” and you can listen by clicking HERE and scrolling down to this week’s episode.

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Your Life's Calling

Your Life’s Calling

We remember going to a funeral many years ago where it was said about the person (his name was Robert) whose life was being remembered, "I think his calling in life was to be a good friend because he was truly a dear friend to everyone who knew him." The idea of being a good friend as a "calling in life" has always stayed with us. 

It's easy to assume that a "life calling" needs to be something grand and remarkable. For example, we just celebrated Martin Luther King Day, a celebration of a man who had the courage to follow a genuinely grand and remarkable calling. While none of us will likely have the kind of impact on the world that King did, each of us can aspire to a more "local" calling, such as being a good friend or neighbor to others. To quote Dr. King, "If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way." 

Another word for "our calling in life" is our vocation, which happens to be one of our eight areas of well-being in our Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being. And as we continue our eight-part series on our whole-person approach to wellness, we invite you to reflect on how you feel about your sense of calling or vocation in life.  

The quote at the top of this column, that some attribute to Aristotle, says that vocation is where our talents and the world's needs meet. With this definition in mind, our vocation can be expressed in and through our paid work, our volunteer service, and/or our role as a parent, partner, spouse, aunt, uncle, grandparent, neighbor, or friend. 

Our "calling in life" sometimes shifts and strengthens as we move through the different stages and ages of our lives. Many people, for example, talk about one of the benefits of being older is that they have more ability and time to give back to the world than they did when they were younger. Giving back to the world is one way they can align their talents with the world's needs and live out their "calling."

The beginning of a new year is a typical time to reflect on our lives, so we are exploring a different area of well-being each week in our January and February columns (and our corresponding podcast episodes). This week we invite you to use the "Making It Personal" questions below to take a moment to reflect on your sense of calling or vocation and how that is impacting your overall sense of wellness right now.  

Making It Personal:

1. If someone asked you, "what do you think your calling in life is how would you answer? If you are unsure, take some time over the next few days or weeks to think about it/

2. Has your sense of how you want to give back to the world shifted over your lifetime?

3. Is there a shift you are sensing that you want to make right now, one that would help you more fully connect your "gifts and talents with the needs of the world" and help you better express your sense of calling?

4. If you are working (in whatever way you define work right now), how satisfied are you with your work/life balance?

(Today’s column is the second in an eight-part series that will explore the eight areas of wellness that are part of the Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being.)

To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

Each week Holly and Scott Stoner record the Wellness Compass Podcast. Each episode is about 15 minutes and offers a deeper dive into what appears here in the written column. In this week’s episode, they expand on the connection between vocation and well-being. You can listen to the Wellness Compass podcast in your favorite podcast app—just search for “The Wellness Compass,” and you can listen by clicking HERE and scrolling down to this week’s episode.

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Spirituality, Awe, and Well-Being

Spirituality, Awe, and Well-Being

The word “awesome” has become so ubiquitous that it has nearly lost its meaning. Originally it referred to being “profoundly reverential,” something that inspired deep wonder and mystery. Today it has simply come to mean something that is “impressive or very good.”

If, for no other reason, one benefit of reconnecting with the original meaning of awe is that doing so is good for our health and well-being. This fact was reported in a New York Times article this week about a newly published book, “Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life” by a psychologist named Dr. Dacher Keltner. You can read the article HERE.  

Here’s a quote from the article: “In his book, Dr. Keltner writes that awe is critical to our well-being — just like joy, contentment‌ , and love. His research suggests it has tremendous health benefits that include calming down our nervous system and triggering the release of oxytocin, the “love” hormone that promotes trust and bonding.”

Dr. Keltner believes that our capacity to experience awe is something that can be cultivated. He recommends explicitly four practices: 

1. Pay attention.

2. Focus on the goodness and moral beauty of others.

3. Practice mindfulness.

4. Be willing sometimes to choose the unfamiliar path. 

Our Wellness Compass Model of well-being takes a whole-person approach to wellness that focuses on eight interconnecting dimensions of well-being. One of those eight areas is Spirituality, an area of wellness that includes the capacity to both experience and express awe. 

As with each of the eight areas of our Wellness Compass, spirituality is not something we simply have or don’t have. It is something that can be nurtured and strengthened, be it in a religious sense or not. Adopting a regular spiritual practice that connects us with a higher and transcendent dimension of life will strengthen the spiritual dimension of our lives.

We are grateful for the affirming research and suggestions Dr. Keltner offers in his new book that supports this idea. We also appreciate his practical ideas for deepening our spirituality and our capacity to experience awe.

Making It Personal:

1. When was the last time you experienced a profound sense of awe? What did you experience?

2. What do you think about the idea that experiencing awe can be cultivated? 

3. What connection do you see or feel between spirituality, awe, and your overall well-being?  

4. As the new year begins, is there anything you to kindle or rekindle the spiritual dimension of your life?

(Today’s column is the first in an eight-part series that will explore the eight areas of wellness that are part of the Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being.)

To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

Each week Holly and Scott Stoner record the Wellness Compass Podcast. Each episode is about 15 minutes and offers a deeper dive into what appears here in the written column. In this week’s episode, they expand on the connection between spirituality and well-being. You can listen to the Wellness Compass podcast in your favorite podcast app—just search for “The Wellness Compass,” and you can listen by clicking HERE and scrolling down to this week’s episode.

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Subscribe Now to Weekly Words of Wellness:

Click the button below to signup for the e-mail version of Weekly Words of Wellness. This weekly article can be shared with your community electronically and/or used for group discussion.

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