What We Appreciate

What We Appreciate, Appreciates

  I was out for a bike ride one evening this week, and I came upon the iconic summer scene of a Little League baseball game. I stopped for a moment and watched, reminiscing about the many years I spent playing baseball as a kid and coaching my kids as they did the same.

As I rode on, I found myself thinking back to one particular ritual that we used to do after each game, both when we won and when we lost. Our team would form a circle and chant, "Two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate? Go…….Giants (or whatever the name of the other team was)." Then we would go over and shake hands with the other team, who had usually just finished doing the same cheer for us. We were paying attention to each other's efforts, whether it led to a victory or not. 

For me, one of the most important parts of youth sports, if not the most essential part, is the opportunity to teach character and values through being a good sport. Educating youth to appreciate others' efforts sincerely, no matter the outcome is a life lesson they can hold on to long after they complete their Little League baseball years.

All of this brings me to one of the core teachings that runs throughout our adult, parent, and teen wellness programs, the principle that "Whatever we pay attention to, is what will grow.' While I didn't mention this principle directly in my column last week where I talked about the gift of imperfection, it was certainly implied. In that column, I spoke of when it comes to our gardens as well as our lives, we can pay attention to the weeds that will always be there, or we can pay attention to that which is good and beautiful. Because, in fact, whatever we pay attention to, is what will grow.

I recently heard a different way of declaring this truth, and it ties in with the Little League baseball cheer I mentioned earlier. It goes like this: "What we appreciate, appreciates."  

If we appreciate and praise good behavior in a child, we will likely see more of that behavior.

If we appreciate someone's efforts to face a complex challenge, we will increase their self-confidence and commitment to keep working to overcome their challenge.

If we express our gratitude and appreciation for something that someone does for others, we encourage more acts of kindness.

When we call someone who is alone who could use a little appreciation, we make them feel cared about and make their day.

You can, I'm sure, think of additional examples from your own life of how "What we appreciate, appreciates," and I encourage you to do so. Even more, I encourage you to test out the truth of this principle by making a concerted effort, in the days and weeks to come, to go out of your way and appreciate people in your life.

So, here we go, team,……." Two, four, six, eight. Who can we appreciate? Go………."

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The Best Time to Start a Conversation

The Best Time to Start a Conversation

  Whenever I begin a process of counseling with a person, couple, or family they almost always say something like this in the first meeting, "I/we should have started this conversation years ago. I/we have known 'this" was a problem for a long time and guess I/we somehow believed that it would simply go away or get better on its own if ignored." The "this" they are referring to is whatever issue it is that has brought them to counseling. The "this" of course varies, but could include issues such as a growing tension or distance in a relationship, unhappiness at work, concern about a drinking problem, concern about issues related to sleep or eating, worry about a child, a health or financial concern that has been ignored, or sometimes a growing spiritual crisis. 

   I am reminded of the proverb stating, "The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago; the second best time is today." It also seems to be true that the best time for any of us to have begun a difficult conversation was several months or several years ago, at the moment when we first became aware of a difficulty that needed to be faced and discussed. The second best time to begin that difficult conversation is today.

   An excuse I often hear for avoiding a difficult conversation, and one I have listened to myself say many times, is some version of, "I just don't want to rock the boat." The interesting thing about this desire of not wanting to rock the boat is the fact that it is almost always said at a time when, in fact, the boat is clearly already rocking. "I would prefer not to acknowledge how significantly the boat is rocking," is probably a more accurate statement of what the person, couple or family is thinking and feeling, than simply "I don't want to rock the boat."

   No matter what excuse we may find ourselves using to avoid difficult conversations, the results are usually the same. The original concern or problem grows, and having the conversation we need to have becomes even more difficult. Quite often, then, the original concern grows into a crisis in our lives, families, workplaces, congregations, or our communities, and it is that crisis that requires us to finally have the difficult conversation we have been avoiding. 

   Why do we avoid difficult conversations? There are many reasons, but I believe one primary reason is that there is great vulnerability in having these conversations. As long as I, or any of us, avoid a conversation, we can be sure that we are right and can brew resentments, believing that the other person is clearly at fault and needs to change. Choosing to have a challenging conversation means that we will most likely find out that the other person, of course, has a considerably different perspective on the issue and that they believe that we have some significant changes that we need to make.

   Significant change requires significant risk and vulnerability from all parties involved. When we are willing to have difficult conversations, real change, or conversion, can occur. The word "conversion" comes from the same root as the word "conversation," a good reminder that authentic conversations have the capacity to change all parties involved.

   Is there a conversation that you want to start right now, but perhaps are finding it difficult to do so? Maybe you wished you had started this conversation three months or three years ago. You can't change the past, though, and so there is not much use in second-guessing why you didn't start the conversation sooner. Instead, remember that you can change the present and the future by beginning that conversation today.

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What Is In Your Cup? (Copy)

The Spirituality of Farmers’ Markets

It is a beautiful thing to see that most farmers' markets are open again. Our daughter and son-in-law own an organic vegetable farm, and we are fortunate to be able to shop at the market where they sell each week. Chances are, there is a farmers’ market somewhere near where you live. I certainly understand their popularity, as going to a local farmers' market to shop for our produce is always a fun experience. It seems to me there are at least three reasons that these markets are so popular. The first reason is community. Farmers' markets are communal by nature. They bring together producers of various kinds (vegetable farmers, growers of flowers, organic meat producers, bakers, local artisans, musicians, and more). At the same time, they bring together the community. Part of the fun of going to a farmer's market is running into neighbors and friends. Since the beginning of time, food has brought people together, and community is shared and nurtured.

I think another reason these markets are so popular is that, as the saying goes, "They are keeping it real." The produce offered at farmers' markets is almost always free of pesticides and other chemicals. In a world where much is artificial and "new and improved," there is something extraordinary about eating and buying food that is produced the same way it has been for hundreds of years ago.

The final reason (although I know there are many more than the three I am listing here) that I love farmers' markets is because they directly connect me with the source of the food I am eating. When I buy my produce from the grocery store, I don't directly connect to the farmer and the land from where the food comes.

Spirituality is central to my life, so I do many things to practice and nurture my spiritual wellness. It occurs to me as I write about what I love about farmers' markets that I am describing what, for me, are three cornerstones of spirituality: community, "keeping it real," and connecting with the source from which all life comes. It's no wonder I love farmers' markets so much! If you haven't visited one yet, you still have time to support your local farmer and your own well-being at the same time.

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What Is In Your Cup?

What Is In Your Cup?

A while back, I came across a teaching story, and months later, its lesson has stayed with me. It came back to me again this week as I was thinking about the column I wrote last week about how what emerges from within us is directly related to that in which we choose to immerse ourselves.

This teaching story is an additional way to think about what emerges from us, especially in times of stress or disruption.

Here is the story.

You are holding a cup of coffee when someone comes along and accidentally bumps you and shakes your arm, making you spill coffee everywhere.

Why did you spill the coffee?

Because someone bumped into you, right?

Wrong answer.

You spilled the coffee because coffee was in the cup.

If tea had been in it, you would have spilled tea.

Whatever is inside the cup is what will come out.

Therefore, when life comes along and shakes you,

whatever is inside of you will come out.

So each of us has to ask ourselves..... what's in my cup?

When life gets bumpy, what spills over?

Joy, gratefulness, peace, and humility?

Or anger, bitterness, harsh words, and reactions?

We choose what's in our cup!

Today, let's work towards filling our cups with gratitude, forgiveness, joy, words of affirmation to ourselves and others, kindness, gentleness, and love! **

This story came to mind again a few days ago when I was running some errands. Another car cut me off in traffic without (seemingly) any awareness of my presence. My reaction was far too negative, but thankfully I was alone in the car. It appears that there's a bit too much stress and irritability in my coffee cup right now. Of course, part of me wants to blame the other driver for my reaction. But as the teaching story points out, that's the wrong answer.

The right answer is that I need to be more intentional about filling my cup with patience, forgiveness, peace, and understanding.

How about you? What's your cup full of right now? If you are not sure, perhaps it will become apparent the next time someone cuts you off in traffic, or comes along and bumps you in some other way.

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This Wild and Precious Summer

This Wild and Precious Summer

In honor of the fact that summer officially began this week and that some things are beginning to slowly reopen, I would like to share a poem with you.

“The Summer Day,” by Mary Oliver

Who made the world?

Who made the swan, and the black bear

Who made the grasshopper?

This grasshopper, I mean-

the one who has flung herself out of the grass,

the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,

who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down

-who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.

Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.

Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.

I don't know exactly what a prayer is.

I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down

into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,

how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,

which is what I have been doing all day.

Tell me, what else should I have done?

Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?

Tell me, what is it you plan to do

with your one wild and precious life?

I find the specificity of Mary Oliver paying attention to this grasshopper invigorating. I receive it as an invitation to ask how will I pay attention to this summer. Specifically, how will I pay attention this moment when I am working in the garden, this sunset that I am watching right now, the smell of this flower I am breathing in, the taste of this freshly harvested produce from this farmers market, the beauty of this starlit sky tonight, this conversation I am having, this moment I am chasing fireflies with my grandchildren, this moment my child is running through the sprinkler, this marshmallow I am toasting over a camp fire, this walk I am enjoying with this person on this summer evening?

The ample pleasures of summer invite us to pay attention, to fall down into the grass, to be idle and blessed, and to stroll through the fields.

So if the question Mary Oliver ends her poem with seems too immense for us, perhaps we can whittle it down to this: tell me what is it you plan to do with this wild and precious summer?

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