Say Yes to the Mess

Say Yes to the Mess
 
 

Say Yes to the Mess

In 1959 Miles Davis and a group of musicians recorded the album Kind of Blue, which became the best-selling and one of the most influential jazz albums of all time. The remarkable thing about this album is that the musicians had very little preparation time, not knowing what they would be playing until they walked into the studio to record. The original liner notes for the album said that the musicians were only given a few scales and melody lines on which they were to improvise. There were no rehearsals beforehand. All of this was by design to create a genuinely spontaneous, improvised experience co-created in the moment. And the results of what happened in that studio in 1959 are captured in the words of musician Carlos Santana, “They went into the studio with minimal stuff, and came out with eternity.”  

While you have quite likely heard of Miles Davis, you probably don’t know the name, Frank Barrett. Barrett is a very skilled jazz musician who also happens to be a management and global public policy professor at the Naval Postgraduate School in Monterey, California. A few years ago, he wrote Yes to the Mess: Surprising Leadership Lessons from Jazz, a book that combines his passion for jazz and teaching others about leadership. Last week I co-taught a graduate course on leadership and in that class, we spent several hours discussing the implications of Yes to the Mess for leadership in today’s world. What we discussed applies not just to leading a business or a non-profit organization, but to all aspects of leading our lives, so please allow me to riff on a few of the key concepts from this book.

Creativity as Joint Performance: Leadership is relational, and often the best ideas are co-created with input from multiple people. A leader’s job is to create an environment where people can take risks and improvise new ideas. As with jazz, soloing is important, but supporting others in their solos is equally essential.

Embrace Errors as a Source of Learning: Errors come with taking risks. Every new endeavor is by definition outside of one’s current comfort zone, and so errors are bound to occur. None of us would have learned how to drive or acquire any other complex skill if we could not make errors.

Unlearning is Sometimes as Important as Learning: If a jazz musician gets stuck in a certain way of playing every time they improvise, then it is no longer improvisation, but begins to sound rote. When a relationship between spouses, or parents and children, or friends becomes stuck in the same pattern over and over again, it may be necessary to unlearn that pattern in order to make room for a new pattern to emerge. An attitude of, “But we have always done it this way,” will stunt creativity and growth every time.

Create Unstructured Time to Just “Hang Out.”  Musicians come up with some of their best ideas by just sitting around, hanging out, and trying out new riffs. This is why it is important for us not to schedule every minute of our lives or the lives of our children. Some of the best moments emerge and happen spontaneously, without any planning. An example of this is what we often remember most when we have gone on a vacation. Often the moments we remember most from a trip are not part of the carefully scheduled itinerary we followed, but from a spontaneous, unplanned experience or encounter that arose in the moment.

Say, “Yes to the Mess.” All of the other principles outlined above are dependent on first saying, “Yes” to whatever challenges we are facing in our personal and/or work life. An open and appreciative attitude to accepting “what it” is the first step in improvising new ways of dealing with it

In case you hadn’t noticed, life itself is messy! Most likely, each of us has a little, or maybe a lot, of messiness in our lives right now. It’s our choice as to how we respond to this reality. We can complain about the messiness of life and pretend that if we just work hard enough, we can eliminate it, or…. we can say, “Yes to the mess,” and in the process, invite others to join in with us as we discover new ways to make something beautiful out of it.

Is there a mess in your life right now about which you are spending lots of energy complaining? What would it look like to shift your attitude and start saying, “Yes” to this mess?

I am taking a few staycation days this week and today’s column is being repeated, having been first published three years ago.

 


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The Best Time to Start a Difficult Conversation

The Best Time to Start a Difficult Conversation
 
 

The Best Time to Start a Difficult Conversation

    Whenever I begin a process of counseling with a person, couple, or family they almost always say something like this in the first meeting, "I/we should have started this conversation years ago. I/we have known 'this" was a problem for a long time and guess I/we somehow believed that it would simply go away or get better on its own if ignored." The "this" they are referring to is whatever issue it is that has brought them to counseling. The "this" of course varies, but could include issues such as a growing tension or distance in a relationship, unhappiness at work, concern about a drinking problem, concern about issues related to sleep or eating, worry about a child, a health or financial concern that has been ignored, or sometimes a growing spiritual crisis. 

   I am reminded of the proverb stating, "The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago; the second best time is today." It also seems to be true that the best time for any of us to have begun a difficult conversation was several months or several years ago, at the moment when we first became aware of a difficulty that needed to be faced and discussed. The second best time to begin that difficult conversation is today.

   An excuse I often hear for avoiding a difficult conversation, and one I have listened to myself say many times, is some version of, "I just don't want to rock the boat." The interesting thing about this desire of not wanting to rock the boat is the fact that it is almost always said at a time when, in fact, the boat is clearly already rocking. "I would prefer not to acknowledge how significantly the boat is rocking," is probably a more accurate statement of what the person, couple or family is thinking and feeling, than simply "I don't want to rock the boat."

   No matter what excuse we may find ourselves using to avoid difficult conversations, the results are usually the same. The original concern or problem grows, and having the conversation we need to have becomes even more difficult. Quite often, then, the original concern grows into a crisis in our lives, families, workplaces, congregations, or our communities, and it is that crisis that requires us to finally have the difficult conversation we have been avoiding. 

   Why do we avoid difficult conversations? There are many reasons, but I believe one primary reason is that there is great vulnerability in having these conversations. As long as I, or any of us, avoid a conversation, we can be sure that we are right and can brew resentments, believing that the other person is clearly at fault and needs to change. Choosing to have a challenging conversation means that we will most likely find out that the other person, of course, has a considerably different perspective on the issue and that they believe that we have some significant changes that we need to make.

   Significant change requires significant risk and vulnerability from all parties involved. When we are willing to have difficult conversations, real change, or conversion, can occur. The word "conversion" comes from the same root as the word "conversation," a good reminder that authentic conversations have the capacity to change all parties involved.

   Is there a conversation that you want to start right now, but perhaps are finding it difficult to do so? Maybe you wished you had started this conversation three months or three years ago. You can't change the past, though, and so there is not much use in second-guessing why you didn't start the conversation sooner. Instead, remember that you can change the present and the future by beginning that conversation today.

 The best time to start a difficult conversation is when the need first arises. The second best time is today.   


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Teacher Appreciation

Teacher Appreciation
 
 

Teacher Appreciation

   I am blessed to know many educators. They are some of the hardest working, most dedicated, and compassionate people I know. My wife was a teacher for many years, having taught in elementary, middle, and high schools over the years.  And so I know first hand about the long hours teachers put in, and how much they give of themselves to help our children grow and learn. A call to be a teacher is truly a vocation, and those who answer that call deserve our utmost appreciation.

   All that I wrote above is what I said about the work of teachers before the pandemic. Teachers, students, administrators, support staff, and parents are now all facing unimaginable decisions and challenges, as students of all ages try to figure out how to return or head off to school.  One teacher friend of mine summed up the experience so far this year with a Facebook post: “I have just finished up my first week back at school. It’s been quite a year.” And I can’t resist sharing another comment I saw this week, “My teacher friends are amazing—they can now do virtually anything.”  

   It is common to express thanks to teachers at the end of the school year. This year, I’m thinking let’s not wait until May or June.  Let’s start expressing our gratitude now, and then keep doing so as everyone navigates a year like no other. Educators are likely to receive more than their share of criticism and frustrations projected on to them this year, and so a little recognition can go a long way. It takes a village to raise a child, and it takes a village to support those who are on the front lines teaching and nurturing our children as well. 

   Most of us know someone involved in educating our young people. Let’s all take a few minutes this week to reach out to them and let them know how much we recognize and admire all that they are doing. 

   Below are a few of my favorite quotes about the importance of teachers. Perhaps you will want to share one of them with an educator you know as part of your expression of appreciation.

“Everyone who remembers their own education remembers teachers, not methods and techniques. The teacher is the heart of the educational system.”– Sidney Hook

“The duties of a teacher are neither few nor small, but they elevate the mind and give energy to the character.”– Dorothea Dix

“Better than a thousand days of diligent study is one day with a great teacher.”

– Japanese Proverb

“None of us got where we are solely by pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps.  We got here because somebody – a parent, a teacher, an Ivy League crony or a few nuns – bent down and helped us pick up our boots.” Thurgood Marshall

“I think the teaching profession contributes more to the future of our society than any other single profession.” John Wooden

“One child, one teacher, one book, one pen can change the world.” – Malala Yousafzai

“What greater or better gift can we offer the republic than to teach and instruct our youth?” – Marcus T. Cicero

“Teacher appreciation makes the world of education go around.”  – Helen Peters


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Interconnected

Interconnected
 
 

Interconnected

Spending time in nature has been my solace during this pandemic.

One of my favorite places to visit is the University of Wisconsin Arboretum in Madison, Wisconsin, a 1,260 acre preserved area that serves as a research and teaching site for ecological restoration. The Arboretum was founded in 1932, and its first director of research was the famous naturalist author Aldo Leopold who lived in Madison at that time.  

Leopold’s most famous book, A Sand County Almanac, has sold over 2 million copies. I first read this eye-opening book as an undergraduate at the University of Wisconsin. It forever changed how I view the importance of land preservation and our interconnectedness with the natural world. I even remember taking my copy of the book to read when I visited the UW Arboretum some forty years ago.

A quote from A Sand County Almanac seems especially appropriate to our current time, where the pandemic has made abundantly clear how interconnected we are with one another and with the natural world. 

“All ethics so far evolved rest upon a single premise: that the individual is a member of a community of interdependent parts.The land ethic simply enlarges the boundaries of the community to include soils, waters, plants, and animals, or collectively the land.”

We are indeed each a member of a community of interdependent parts. No one of us can affect the course of this pandemic by ourselves. It is said that it takes a village to raise a child. It also most certainly takes a village, a community of interdependent people, to contain a highly contagious and life-threatening virus.  

If you feel a bit exhausted by what I recently heard described as the “Coronacoaster,” I highly recommend spending some time in a park or nature preserve in your community. Not only will you find solace in the calm and peacefulness of the natural world, but you will also be reminded of the interconnectedness of all of life.  


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We Make the Path by Walking

We Make the Path By Walking
 
 

We Make the Path by Walking

   

 “Traveller, the path is your tracks

And nothing more.

Traveller, there is no path

The path is made by walking.

By walking you make a path

And turning, you look back

At a way you will never tread again

Traveller, there is no road 

Only wakes in the sea.”

 

I have always loved these lines written by the early twentieth-century Spanish poet Antonio Machado. A slightly different version of the third line is one I often share with people these days, “We make the path by walking.”

As the pandemic grinds on, losses are piling up for all of us. Staying with the image of a path, we have all experienced a few, or maybe even many paths in our lives that have been changed, blocked, or ended. Weddings, graduations, vacations, reunions have been canceled, are dramatically changed, jobs have been lost, health concerns have increased, and loved ones have died. All of these are paths that have been altered or changed forever by COVID-19. And all of this is happening at a time when our ability to physically connect with our supportive friends and family has greatly diminished.

As we wonder what new paths will emerge during and after this pandemic, I find Machado’s words helpful. Because we have ever experienced anything like this, there are no clearly defined paths forward. We are all feeling our way around in the dark. We will make our new paths by all the day-to-day choices we each make going forward. “We will make the path by walking.” 

While many of the choices we make right now are individual and particular to our own lives and circumstances, the pandemic also highlights the importance of the collective decisions being made. The choices that we make as a society directly affect the path that this virus will take in the weeks and months ahead. We have ample evidence of this already, and so it is truly the case that we will determine the path that is ahead by the choices we make.  

I am a member of the Sierra Club, and I have often been attracted to invitations I receive from them to join one of their week-long trail repair trips. These trips offer participants free room and board, usually in a National Park, in exchange for volunteering with others for a week to help clear hiking trails that have become blocked with fallen trees due to storms. Some trips even focus on building completely new trails because the old trails are judged not to be salvageable. 

As attracted to the trips as I have been, I have not ever committed to join one. However, I feel as though I don’t need to sign up for a Sierra Club trip to get this rebuilding experience. This pandemic is inviting me, and all of us, to sign up for a different kind of trail building work. This work ahead is both individual and communal, and we each have an essential role to play in both rebuilding and building anew our neighborhoods and communities, even though we are not quite sure what this will look like or what it will take. 

May the wise words of Antonio Machado console and inspire us when we find ourselves wishing that there was a clear path that we could simply follow at this time. We can, and we will make this path by walking—together, one step at a time.  


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