Choosing to Let Go

Choosing to Lett Go

  Have you ever had a time where you have several conversations, and they all seem to revolve around a similar theme? I had that experience this week in my private life, my life as a therapist, and in my work with our Living Compass, where we are running an online Facebook group for Lent. Letting go kept coming up in al three of these contexts. Here is a summary of what others, as well as myself, had to say about what they are working on letting go of at this time in their lives:

*The past, especially past regrets

*An unhealthy relationship

*My expectations of others

*Living up to other’s expectations of me

*Thinking I am responsible for things for which I am clearly not responsible.

*Trying to please others

*My timing for how things should unfold

*Procrastination

*Worry

*Overindulging with food or alcohol

*Spending too much money

*Grudges

*My plans for how things should go

*Comparing myself to others

*Too much stuff

*Control

*My kids

*Being judgmental

*Anger and resentment

*Unhealthy expectations of myself

*Perfectionism

*Trying to be someone I’m not

 The opposite of letting go is holding on. It seems to me that in no small degree, the art of living well is knowing when to hold on, and when to let go. Both are, at times, quite necessary. Wisdom is understanding, which is best in any particular situation.

 Millions of Christians around the world this week began observing the season of Lent. And what is the practice that is most commonly associated with observing Lent? The practice of giving something up, which is, in other words, the practice of choosing something to let go of. It used to be that people most gave up things like chocolate, coffee, sugar, or alcohol for Lent. I now hear instead more people, as part of their Lent discipline, talking about giving up or letting go of many of the things listed above. It seems that their wiser, spiritual selves know that if they can muster the courage to let go, they will be better off emotionally, spiritually, relationally, and/or physically.  

 I am working on letting go of several things this Lent: working too much, perfectionism, and worry. At the same time, I am holding on to daily practices of exercise and meditation, as I know from experience that these help me achieve my goals of letting go.

 How about you? Are you observing Lent by giving up or letting go of something? Even if you don’t observe Lent, are you aware of anything in your life that you desire to let go of? Perhaps reviewing the list above will help.  

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 This column also gets posted on Facebook, and I welcome your thoughts and comments there. You can find our page at https://www.facebook.com/LivingCompass/ Scroll down to see today’s column to share your comments. We have much to learn from each other.

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Practicing Courage

Practicing Courage

  Think of a time when you demonstrated courage in your life. What did you feel? What did you do? What gave you the strength to speak or act in this way? How did others respond?

  Now think of a time when you struggled or failed to demonstrate courage. Again what did you do (or not do)? What did you feel? What barriers (internal or external) hindered your ability to act more courageously?

  If you are engaged by these questions, then you will want to be sure to join us for our upcoming series of daily readings for the season of Lent from Living Compass entitled: “Practicing Courage with All Your Heart, Soul, Strength, and Mind.” The daily reflections start on Ash Wednesday, February 26, and conclude on Easter Sunday, April 12, and feature the writings of nine different authors. (See below for the variety of ways you can receive the daily reflections on courage).

  The weekly sub-themes include The Courage to Be Vulnerable, The Courage to Grow, The Courage to Change Direction, The Courage to Let Go, The Courage to Practice Grace Under Pressure, and the Courage to Walk The Way of Love. Each week’s reflections will invite us to reflect more deeply on where and how we are longing to grow spiritually, emotionally, and relationally as we wrestle with what it means to live more courageously.

  Last year during Lent, we hosted a private, moderated Facebook group that served as a Lenten eRetreat for over nine hundred people from all around the world. We have already started this year’s group and hope that you will consider joining us. We will gain wisdom and encouragement from each other as we reflect on the opportunities we have to be more courageous in our daily lives.

  The Brené Brown quote at the top of today’s column is part of a more extended quote from her, and I would like to close by sharing the full text. As you read it, pause and reflect on where you have the opportunity to practice “ordinary courage” in your life right now. 

  And whether you typically observe the season of Lent, or not, I hope you will feel inspired to join us as we reflect on Practicing Courage with All Your Heart, Soul, Strength, and Mind. 

“Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor—the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” Over time, this definition has changed, and today, we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deeds. But in my opinion, this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who were are and about our experiences—good and bad. Speaking from our hearts is what I think of as ordinary courage.”  Brené Brown

To find out all the options to access the daily Lent reflection on Practicing Courage go to www.livingcompass.org/lent

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Loving Your Neighbor As Yourself

 Loving Your Neighbor As Yourself

  All of the world’s major religions have some version of the teaching, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” That teaching is certainly at the core of my own spirituality, and I strive (but often fall short) to live out this ideal every day. I imagine the same is true for many of the readers of this column.

  Some time ago, as I was reflecting on this teaching about loving your neighbor as yourself, it occurred to me that, in fact, this is precisely what most of us do. We actually do love them as we love ourselves. 

  Last week I wrote about self-compassion and how our well-being is enhanced when we can tame our inner critic, and then truly feel love and acceptance toward ourselves. A common reaction I get when I write or talk about self-compassion and self-care is questioning whether what I’m talking about is encouraging someone to become more self-centered. 

  My first response to such a question is merely to state the fact that “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” If there is nothing in our emotional and spiritual cups, we then have nothing to give to others. If we spend much time around people whose cups are chronically empty, we will discover that not only do they not have much to offer, but usually, they will zap our energy as well, and before long, we will be empty too. Self-care keeps our cups full so that we then have something to share with others.

 The second response I have to the question about whether self-care is selfish is to make the point that there is a strong correlation between the way we care for ourselves and the way we care for others. This is what I mean when I say we tend to love and relate to others in a manner similar to the way we love and relate to ourselves. 

  If you are a perfectionist, for example, and tend to be very hard on yourself, you likely relate to others in your life the same way. On the other hand, if you practice self-compassion toward yourself, especially when you make mistakes or fall short of an ideal you have for yourself, it is likely that you offer compassion to others when they inevitably make mistakes.

  Do you see a connection with how patient you are with yourself and how patient you are with others? Do you see a link between how comfortable you are with your own vulnerability and how you respond to others when they are vulnerable?  

 Today is Valentine’s Day, and I invite us to expand the focus of this day to honor and reflect on how we love ourselves and all the “neighbors” in our lives—friends, family members, spouses, partners, colleagues, even strangers. As you celebrate this day, take a moment to reflect on whether you see a connection between how you love yourself, and how you love your neighbor. 

   Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

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Mindul Self-Compassion

Mindful Self-Compassion

   My wife and have spent the last two days working at the Adolescent Health Conference in Madison, Wisconsin. Two hundred professionals—school counselors, teachers, psychotherapists, physicians, and case managers—attend this annual conference put on by the University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh. Our Samaritan Family Wellness Foundation is honored to support this conference as a sponsor, as well as being presenters.

   The secular division of our foundation creates teen, parent, and adult resources for the professionals who are on the front lines working with the mental health challenges face by young people and their families today. The need is more significant than ever because the mental health challenges in our young people are great.  

   One of the benefits of being at a health and wellness conference is the opportunity to learn from the experience and expertise of other presenters. A workshop on the benefits of helping teens to develop mindful self-compassion skills was the presentation that was most helpful to me personally and professionally. It was there that I heard the quote from Kristen Neff, one of leading experts in the self-compassion movement, found in the box at the top of this column, “Treat yourself as you would a good friend.”

   The research presented at our conference confirms that it’s a hard time to be an adolescent. Social media is only part of the problem, but one that can significantly magnify feelings of self-criticism for an already vulnerable or suffering teen. Teaching young people mindful self-compassion helps them to quiet their inner critics and to learn to love, accept, and appreciate themselves for who they are. It also helps them to normalize the natural ups and downs they experience as adolescents.

   It turns out that we adults, even we professionals it was pointed out, can also benefit from practicing self-compassion. Those who are quite compassionate with others can, maybe surprisingly, be unduly hard on themselves. I, for one, have always wrestled with a loud inner critical voice, and so I was much helped by learning more about self-compassion this week. There seemed to be a consensus amongst all the workshop attendees that there was a need to practice this, as much for ourselves as there was for teaching it to the youth with whom we work.  

  In closing, if you would like to find out more about self-compassion, I highly recommend watching a short six-minute video from expert Kristin Neff. You may even want to try putting what she teaches into practice, as a gift to yourself.  

 You can find the video at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11U0h0DPu7k

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Your Spirit Is Contagious

Your Spirit Is Contagious

  Recent concerns about the coronavirus remind us of just how connected we all are to each other, and how quickly a virus can spread. Here in the North, it is winter, which means it is also cold and flu season. This means that on any given day, we are either the one with a cold or we are likely encountering someone that has a cold. So the question that is never far from our minds is, "Am I or is he/she—contagious?"

When I have a cold, I certainly never intentionally want to spread it to others. At the same time, though, I sometimes am so excited to see someone that I haven't seen for a while that I hug them or shake their hand without thinking. I have also been known to show up at work when I am sick, only to be sent home by colleagues who rightfully request that I not come back until I am no longer contagious.

We, of course, know that illnesses like a cold or the flu can easily spread if we are not careful. What we may not have given as much thought to is the fact that emotional illnesses or "dis-eases" can spread just as easily as physical ones.  

Have you been part of a group where the leader was chronically negative and critical? I would guess the morale and spirit of the rest of the group eventually became negative and deflated. Compare that to how good it feels to be part of a group when the leader is positive and supportive. All of this shows how strongly our moods and spirits affect one another.

I coached youth soccer when our kids were growing up, and I remember playing several games against a team whose coach was a screamer, always yelling critical comments at his players. It is not surprising that the players on that team yelled at each other, as well as at the referee, more than any other team we ever played. Again, the spirit of the leader was contagious. 

  A quote attributed to Maya Angelou comes to mind here. "People will not often remember what you said, but they will almost always remember how you made them feel." The wisdom of this quote is especially true in our families and our closest friendships. Because these relationships are so close, our spirit and our moods are easily passed to those we love.  

  Our negativity, bad moods, cynicism, and critical spirits are indeed contagious. That's the bad news. The good news, though, is that our positive attitudes, our joy, peace, humor, love, and happiness are also contagious. We can as just as easily "infect" people around us with our positive energy as we can with our negative energy.

So when it comes to our emotional wellness or lack thereof, the answer to the question, "Are you and I contagious?" is always, "Yes, we are!" The more important question then becomes, "What kind of emotional energy are we spreading to our loved ones, friends, and the wider community?"  

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