Of Grief and Gratitude

Of Grief and Gratitude

   I have had several conversations with people about my column from last week, where I wrote about how the season of fall reminds us that loss and letting go are a natural and inevitable part of life. A couple of people said this is precisely why they don't like fall because it does remind them of loss. I understand that because feeling the sadness we have about the losses we have experienced is never easy. A question I often get as both a pastor and therapist is some version of, "Do I really have to talk about and feel my sadness and grief, or is it best to just try not to think about it, in hopes that it will go away on its own?"  

  Take a moment and think about the people in your life who you think of as wise, the people who you might describe as "old souls." I know for me, the people I think of in this way, are also people who have been through a lot and have come out the other side wiser and deeper, both emotionally and spiritually. They have been through hard times, including challenge and loss, and have emerged more grateful and wiser about life.  

  So while none of us desires experiences of grief and loss, they are, of course, inevitable. Our only choice is how we will carry them.

  Francis Weller, a well-respected psychotherapist and grief expert, says all of this much better than I am saying it here. And so I will close with a long quote from him, the same one that is found in the box above. May his wisdom help us to see that it is in the way we carry our losses that enhances our capacity for compassion and gratitude.  

"The work of the mature person is to carry grief in one hand and gratitude in the other and to be stretched large by them. How much sorrow can I hold? That's how much gratitude I can give. If I carry only grief, I'll bend toward cynicism and despair. If I have only gratitude, I'll become saccharine and won't develop much compassion for other people's suffering. Grief keeps the heart fluid and soft, which helps make compassion possible." 

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A Symphony of Permanence and Change

A Symphony of Permanence and Change

   The autumnal equinox, one of the days we experience equal amounts of darkness and light, occurred this week, ushering in one of my favorite seasons. I love the season of fall and not just because I enjoy football, apple picking, the stunning colors of the changing leaves, the World Series, Halloween, and Thanksgiving. I also love fall because it is a time when I find myself turning inward, reflecting on the changing nature of life in general, and my life in particular. The poet Bonaro Overstreet says that autumn is "a symphony of permanence and change." Turning inward to reflect on what has changed, or what is changing, also provides the opportunity for me to focus on that which is changeless, that which is permanent.

   Fall is a time of transition. It's not just the trees that are transitioning here in the northern hemisphere, the geese and other wildlife are preparing for the coming winter months as well. The geese as well as  other animals move great distances, making an external, literal transition of place. Trees and other animals, stay and create an internal transition as they shift their energy from external growth and creation to various expressions of internal protecting and stewarding.

   I find that I too benefit from doing a similar kind of internal transitioning in the fall, as I both let go of what has been, and hold fast to what remains, learning to be appreciative of both. As the quote in the box above conveys so well, "The trees are about to show us how beautiful letting go can be."

   Our lives indeed are comprised of equal parts light and shadow, a balance of day and night, an ongoing "symphony of permanence and change.” As we begin the transition of this season, may we embrace the wisdom of knowing that even in letting go we can find beauty.  

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What's In Your Cup?

What’s In Your Cup?

A while back, I came across a teaching story, and months later, its lesson has stayed with me. It came back to me again this week as I was thinking about the column I wrote last week about how what emerges from within us is directly related to that in which we choose to immerse ourselves.

  This teaching story is an additional way to think about what emerges from us, especially in times of stress or disruption. 

 Here is the story.

You are holding a cup of coffee when someone comes along and accidentally bumps you and shakes your arm, making you spill coffee everywhere.

Why did you spill the coffee?

Because someone bumped into you, right?

Wrong answer.

You spilled the coffee because coffee was in the cup.

If tea had been in it, you would have spilled tea.

Whatever is inside the cup is what will come out.

Therefore, when life comes along and shakes you,

whatever is inside of you will come out. 

So each of us has to ask ourselves..... what's in my cup?

When life gets bumpy, what spills over?

Joy, gratefulness, peace, and humility?

Or anger, bitterness, harsh words, and reactions?

We choose what's in our cup!

Today, let's work towards filling our cups with gratitude, forgiveness, joy, words of affirmation to ourselves and others, kindness, gentleness, and love! **

  This story was on my mind again earlier today when I was driving to my office. Another car cut me off in traffic without (seemingly) any awareness of my presence. I was not proud of the words that came out of my mouth, but was glad they were only for my ears to hear, in the confines of my car. It appears that there's a bit too much stress and irritability in my coffee cup right now. Of course, part of me wants to blame the other driver for my reaction. But as the teaching story points out, that's the wrong answer. 

  The right answer is that I need to be more intentional about filling my cup with patience, forgiveness, peace, and understanding. 

  How about you? What's your cup full of right now? If you are not sure, perhaps it will become apparent the next time someone cuts you off in traffic, or comes along and bumps you in some other way.  

**This story has been attributed to many different sources, but there is no consensus on authorship. If any of the readers of this column have more information about its author, please let me know.

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Learning By Immersion

Learning By Immersion

    This is part two of my reflections on my recent experience participating in a Spanish language immersion program in Cuernavaca, Mexico. 

   If you are a regular reader of this column, you know that I am a bit of a word nerd and I love to study the etymology of words. This made my recent language immersion program all the more interesting, as now I was learning about the origins of words in a second language.  

  The verb “mostrar,” for example, in Spanish means to show or to display as it comes from the Latin root “monstrare” (meaning to point out) which comes from “monstrum.” The word “demonstrate” in English comes from the same Latin root. “Monstrum” means “a sign or wonder from God.” And interestingly is the root from which we get the word “monster,” as originally a monster was anything seen as a bad omen sent by God. I warned you I was a word nerd. 

   Because I was involved in a language immersion program, I, of course, decided to study the etymology of the word “immersion.” I discovered that the words “immersion” and “emerge” both come from the same Latin root “mergere,” which means “to dip, sink, or plunge.” The difference between the words immersion and emerge is found in the prefix. With “im” as the prefix, the word immersion means to go into a “dip, sink, or plunge.” With “e” as the prefix, the word emerge means to exit or come out of a “dip, sink, or plunge.” So, for example, we can immerse an object in water, and that same object can also emerge out of the water. 

   So this may be a long way to get to my point, but here it is. What emerges from us is a product of that in which we are immersed. If we immerse ourselves in negativity, that is what will likely emerge from us. If we surround ourselves with angry, toxic people, we will likely become angry and toxic ourselves. Yet if we immerse ourselves in life-giving spiritual practices, a life-giving spirituality, showing itself as appreciation and contentment, will likely emerge from us. And if we surround ourselves with people who serve and give back to the community, we will likely become more giving ourselves.  

  We truly do learn to speak the language of that in which we are immersed. So, one of the lessons I learned while in Mexico is if we want to something new to emerge in our lives, we will need to immerse ourselves in that which we wish to see emerge, whether that be a new language, or a new way of being. 

Some of you have asked about the language school I attended in Cuernavaca, Mexico. It is called the Spanish Language Institute. You can find their website here. They can also arrange a home stay (optional) with a family for you and a variety of cultural excursions. If you contact them, ask for Maru and mention my name.

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If You're Not Making Mistakes, You Probably Aren't Trying

If You’re Not Making Mistakes, You Probably Aren’t Trying

   My wife and I just returned from a two-week Spanish language immersion experience in Cuernavaca, Mexico. It was indeed one of the most profound experiences of my life. We lived with a local host family, and so our learning experience was not just limited to the six hours of formal instruction we received each day. Mexico has always been our favorite place to visit because the people are so warm, soulful, and welcoming. This recent experience only confirmed this truth many times over.  

  We had been considering taking this plunge for some time and finally got up our courage to do it. I thought that deciding to sign up and go would be the hardest part of the process, but soon after arriving, I faced an even more difficult decision that I had to make.  

  I have studied Spanish sporadically throughout my adult life, even taking private online lessons with native speakers, and so  I went to Cuernavaca with a beginner/immediate level of confidence. I also went with a bit of pride, wanting to show what I already knew. My pride evaporated immediately when in response to my perfectly crafted questions (perfectly crafted because I had time to prepare them in advance) were met with responses that were well beyond my level of comprehension. I was suddenly rendered speechless. 

  It was at that point that I had to decide how I was going to show up for this cultural immersion. Was I going to play it safe and stay within the comfort zone of the Spanish I already knew? Or was I going to allow myself to risk making continuous mistakes as I tried to form new phrases, use new tenses, and reveal how little I really knew. 

  I am happy to say that I quickly got over my pride—thanks to the help of my host family and teachers who were “muy amable”(very kind). And once I became comfortable making mistakes, my learning curve progressed exponentially. The more I learned, the more chances I took and the more mistakes I seemed to make, all ofwhich  became additional teachable moments. It reminded me of a saying I heard a few years ago: “I have learned so much from my mistakes that I think I will go make some new ones.” That became my motto for the last two weeks.  

  It occurs to me that my language immersion experience is pretty much how it goes whenever we are in the process of  change or growth. Whether we are learning to let go of a child who is leaving home, entering a new relationship, starting a new job, making a move, entering a new stage of life, going back to school, or taking up a new hobby we really have no choice as to whether there will be mistakes and missteps. We do, however, as I learned in Mexico, have the choice of whether we will choose to embrace and accept our mistakes and missteps, realizing that in the process these moments are exactly what lead to the learning and growth we are seeking. 

So remember, “Si no estás cometiendo errores, problamente no estás tratando.”

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