Commencement Speeches

Commencement Speeches

My column from a few weeks ago invited all of us to take this season of commencement ceremonies as an opportunity to think about the possibility of commencing with something new in our own lives. Many of you wrote to share things you were in the process of starting or are planning on starting soon. Here are a few of the things you shared: doing yoga for the first time, moving to a new city, starting a new job, taking up the piano, learning to grow vegetables, entering a new relationship, planning for retirement, and taking ballroom dance lessons.  

Staying with this theme, I found myself reflecting on the tradition of commencement speeches. These are standard fare for graduation ceremonies and often feature famous people sharing their best wisdom and advice with new graduates as they prepare to enter the world of adulthood. 

Now most of us will probably never be invited to deliver a commencement speech, and so I tried a little experiment this week. I asked dozens of people to imagine what they would say in such a speech, if by chance they were ever invited to deliver one. I asked them to try to sum up their thoughts in one or two sentences.

Below you will find some of the wisdom people shared with me, something they would like to say to graduates beginning a new stage of life. Most of you reading this are probably not currently graduating from school, yet most likely you are beginning something new or different in your life, in one form or another. As you read these wise words, think about what you can learn from each as you embark on that something new in your life. 

You can train your heart and mind to be empathetic, compassionate, and altruistic, if you want. I invite you to want that and to begin training now. (John)

Do what is right, because it's right. If it hurts others, don't do it. Listen, Think, Do. (Mary)

Be authentic....your authentic self. The world doesn't need perfect people. The world needs authentic, real people. (Jan)

This present moment is sacred. Savor it because the next present moment is sacred. (Trawin)

You can find poetry in anything; look, listen, absorb and create your own verse. (Chase)

Recognize life as an unfolding journey of acceptance & letting go - know you are called. Step out then with the understanding you are loved and gifted to be love along your/our shared walk in this world. (Rob)

Work hard. Play hard. Love greatly. Give greatly. And always remember the people around you. (Anna)

Everything in life is an experience, good or bad. The key is how we learn, grow, and improve from all of our experiences. (Dan)

From Shinichi Suzuki, "When love is deep, much can be accomplished." (Kay)

When a loved one tells you, "You are going the wrong way," ask yourself, "Is it better for me to be right in this moment or to be in relationship?" and then be open to the surprise another's direction might have in store for you. (Debra)

We are not here to be served, but to serve. (Beth)

Remember that everything you will accomplish in this world will be as an embodied being. As such, take care of your body, it's for more than simply hauling your head around. (Gary)

Stop being afraid, especially of other people. Be brave in your compassion. (Don)

When someone is lending a hand or offering you support with advice, suggesting you speak with a colleague for encouragement, ; Ask yourself the question, "What is my part in all this? How do I meet them half-way?"  It's a beautiful thing! (Brenda)

Be kind. (Barb)

"Be patient with the whole world. But above all, be patient with yourself." Frances de Sales. (Jason)

"Be kind to everyone you meet for each is fighting a great battle." Phillip of Alexandria, Bishop, 1250 AD (James)

Be kind. Stop from time to time and see the beauty around you. Trust your gut and listen for the spirit. (Catherine)

To paraphrase CS Forester - 'Human nature, dear graduates, is what you were put on earth to rise above.' (Vince)

Believe more in the currency of love and grace, even in the midst of your aspirations and achievements. (Jim)

Lots of things in life are interesting - only a few are really important. (Carol)

If you make a mistake own up to the mistake, apologize if you need to do so, fix it if it is possible to do so & move on. (Beth)

I conclude this list with what I would say:  Pay attention to what you pay attention to, because whatever you pay attention to is what will grow in your life and in the lives of those around you.

Clearly, I am blessed to know some very wise people!  

Now it's your turn. What would you say if given a chance to offer a sentence or two of advice to young graduates? Feel free to reply to this email and let me know.

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There is Power in Love to Show Us the Way to Live

There is Power in Love to Show Us the Way to Live

We know that if we are sick with a cold or the flu that what we have may be contagious. I have used this as a metaphor before when I have written about how we can also be contagious concerning our moods and energy, spreading them to those around us. I think most of us would agree that negative moods and critical energy are contagious, sometimes infecting a whole family, group, or organization. The good news though is that joy, along with the enthusiasm of love are also contagious, and likewise, we can feel it when love and joy have infected those around us.

I don't know about you, but I don't need more reminders that negative news is contagious, as I am bombarded with evidence of this every day. What I do need are reminders that love and joy are also infectious. And that is precisely what I received this past week when someone shared with me some of the highlights of the royal wedding.  

While the ceremony, including the readings and the music, (Did you see that performance of Stand By Me?!) were beautiful, it was the sermon from Bishop Michael Curry that lit a fire in my spirit. In case you missed it, here are a few excerpts from this sermon:

There is something right about it (love). And there's a reason for it. The reason has to do with the source. We were made by a power of love, and our lives were meant - and are meant - to be lived in that love. That's why we are here.

There's power in love to help and heal when nothing else can.  There's power in love to lift up and liberate when nothing else will.  There's power in love to show us the way to live.

Think and imagine a world where love is the way.

Imagine our homes and families where love is the way. Imagine neighborhoods and communities where love is the way.

Imagine governments and nations where love is the way. Imagine business and commerce where this love is the way.

Imagine this tired old world where love is the way. When love is the way - unselfish, sacrificial, redemptive.

When love is the way, there's plenty good room - plenty good room - for all of God's children.

When love is the way, we know that God is the source of us all, and we are brothers and sisters, children of God.


As powerful as these words are, it is the spirit with which he delivered and embodied these words-a spirit of love and joy-that the world has found to be so highly contagious. Some two billion people watched the sermon while viewing the wedding ceremony, and since then there have been millions of views of it on social media. If you are one of the few people who hasn't heard it yet, you can experience it here.

Even if you have already watched the sermon, you might want to watch again next time you need a little infusion of love and joy. And then, having been influenced by that spirit of love, go and find a way to spread some of it in your corner of the world.

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Commencement Exercises

Commencement Exercises

Many of us know someone who is graduating this time of year.  Perhaps we may even be attending a graduation ceremony, reading a famous person’s commencement address, or reflecting back to our own graduations.

The fact that graduations are called commencements has always caught my attention, as referring to them the way makes it clear that every ending is also a beginning.  To quote the 1998 classic song, “Closing Time,” by Semisonic, “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”

There is another term related to graduation and commencement ceremonies that truly captures what is happening in those moments, and at the same time has an excellent message for all of us whether we are graduates or not.  Graduation ceremonies are also referred to as “exercises,” as in “the 165th Commencement Exercises for the University of _______ will be held…..”

I love the phrase “commencement exercises” because it makes it clear that the graduates are beginning something new, which will take effort and a willingness to change.  Like all forms of exercise, starting something new takes discipline, commitment, courage, and intentional effort over a prolonged period of time.  The rewards of exercise may not be apparent immediately, or even in the short term, but over time, regular exercise of any kind will always produce growth and change.

In honor of all who will be participating in official commencement exercises this year, I’d like to offer a suggestion for the rest of us.  Why not think about creating a commencement exercise for yourself right now?  Is there something new that you would like to do to increase wellness in some aspect of your life?  Would you like to start a new hobby, a new workout program, a new activity with someone you love?  Would you like to learn a foreign language, start volunteering, plant a new garden, or begin a spiritual practice or routine?

Creating commencement exercises on a regular basis is a good thing as it strengthens the muscles we need for negotiating transitions and helps us to thrive.  Commencement exercises keep us strong in body, mind, and spirit.

So as we celebrate and honor all who are participating in academic commencement exercises, I hope each of us will be inspired to create goals and a few commencement exercises of our own so that we too can graduate into a new, even better way of being in the world.

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The Wisdom of Momisms

The Wisdom of Momisms

Once again it is time for the annual Mother’s Day column where I share some of the classic things mothers like to say, and then reflect on the wellness wisdom that is contained within these  “Momisms.” What follows are a few of the sayings that I have shared on previous Mother’s Days, along with a few new ones, ones some of you sent in this week. Thank you to all who shared these bits of wisdom you learned from your mothers. I hope you all enjoy them and will pass them along to others in honor of all mothers.

“I’m not interested in who started it!” The wisdom here is that a lot of time and energy is often wasted in trying to figure out “who started it.” Who hasn’t spent more time arguing with someone about who started a problem than they have spent on resolving the problem? Focusing on “who started it” is one way of playing the “blame game,” and is rarely helpful. You don’t need to figure out who started a problem at work or home to be part of the solution.

“If you keep making that face, one of these days it will freeze that way!” This “Momism” contains some great wellness insights. The first is that the behaviors we choose, over time, become habits, and habits always have consequences. It is important then to carefully observe the habits we are forming. The second insight of this “Momism” has to do with the way we treat others. If I am regularly in a hurry and don’t take time to be kind to people, at some point their opinion of me will “freeze.” They may well come to believe that I am a person who is self-absorbed or unkind. We all form opinions of others based on their behaviors and it easy for those opinions to become frozen and difficult to change, even if the person’s behaviors actually do change at some point.

“For a friend in need, say a prayer and roast a chicken.” We need to remember to integrate the spiritual with the practical. A story is told of some visitors from a church who came to call on an elderly parishioner who they knew was having trouble maintaining her home. When the visitors arrived, they announced that they had come to pray with her. The woman, not missing a beat, replied, “That’s great as I need prayer. But when you are done praying I’d really love for you to help me wash all those dishes piled up in the sink.” Faith without works can be empty.

“This moment is fleeting in the overall scheme of things.” Our emotional and spiritual wellness is enhanced when we remember two things. First, it is wise to seek to live in the present moment, and second, any current struggle we may have is more bearable when we place it in the context of life’s larger time frame.

“Take care of a goldfish, and then you can get a dog.” When taking on any new challenge or responsibility, it’s important to start small. New habits and big goals are realized in small steps. For example, develop a regular habit of walking before you try to run your first 5K, or take a class on a subject before deciding on that major. Another way of saying this is that, “Life is hard by the yard, but a cinch by the inch.”

“I don’t care what everybody else is doing; you are not everybody else!” Another version of this is “just because everyone else is jumping off a cliff, doesn’t mean that you should, too.” Both ideas are meant to encourage us to dare to think for ourselves and to remember that going along with the crowd is not always the best decision.

“The best way to have a friend is to be one.” All relationships are important and need to be cared for and nurtured in order to stay strong and healthy.We reap what we sow in relationships. This is the more positive version of, “If you can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything at all.” This reminds us of the importance of sharing our appreciation and gratitude with others, as that is what builds and strengthens relationships.

“Please call me when you get there, so I will know you have arrived safely.” This statement is a sweet expression of love and concern, although when we were young, we might have rolled our eyes, thinking that our mom was annoying and trying to control us. The wellness principle here is that it makes a positive difference to have others around us who are concerned for our well-being and to care for others as well.

As we pause to celebrate all mothers today, may we also remember the wisdom that they, along with other influential women in our lives, taught us over all the years, and be thankful.

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Life in the Midst of the Mess

Life in the Midst of the Mess

Change is messy. Perhaps this is why people, as well as families and organizations,  often try to avoid it. Change, whether planned or unplanned, is always hard. When change first happens the old normal is gone, and the new normal is not yet established. That time in between the old and new normal is always messy. In such times we can find comfort in the quote from Amy Dickinson, author and newspaper columnist, at the top of this column, “The fullness of life is incubated in its messy places.” I can give witness to the truth of this in my own life and in the countless people I have had the honor to help as a psychotherapist over the last three and half decades.

At this time of year in the Midwest, we know something about messy.  As the long winter loses its grip and the mounds of snow have just melted, our roads, sidewalks, trails, and yards become quite messy and even ugly.  In fact, I have heard it said here in the Midwest, as well as many other places in the country, that there are actually five seasons each year if you add the “mud season” that exists between winter and spring. Winter held on a little longer than usual this year and so just this past week we have begun experiencing our annual mud season.

Part of what creates the massive amount of mud and messiness this time of year is the fact that after a long, cold winter the depth of the ground freeze is quite significant.  During the mud season, while the warming temperatures thaw the surface of the ground, the deeper ground remains frozen, and thus the melting water at the surface is unable to percolate down into the soil.  Until the deeper ground thaws, the water stays on the surface creating increasingly deeper levels of mud and mess.  Many dirt roads and walking trails become impassable during this time of year until the deeper thaw finally occurs, allowing the water to seep down into the soil and then to flow on into the greater watershed, allowing the dirt to finally dry.

The mud season, itself a time of transition between winter and spring, strikes me as a powerful metaphor for describing what it feels like when we are going through times of change in our lives, be it as individuals, families, or organizations.  Times of transition are always messy, and the path forward can sometimes become muddy and hard to navigate.  If there is significant grief or loss of any kind involved in our transition, the initial thawing often feels particularly muddy and challenging.

Whatever type of mud season we may be experiencing, the way through is the same.  Be patient. Put your boots on, keep your head up, and keep moving forward. Be careful to watch where you are walking, so that you avoid any potential danger. Walk with someone else so you can help each other when the mud is, and you are at risk of getting stuck. Be patient, knowing that in time the ground will eventually thaw and the mess and the mud will gradually pass.  The path may not ever be the same, but a new way forward, a new normal, is sure to emerge in time.  And may we find comfort in remembering that, “The fullness of life is incubated in its messy places.”

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