The Burden of Untold Stories

“What I am about to tell you, I have never told anyone else before.” Over the last thirty-five years in my work as a psychotherapist I have heard those words more times than I can remember. Each time as I listen to the revelation that follows, I remember, once again, what a sacred honor and privilege it is to do such work. The revelations usually fall into one of two categories—something the person did, or something that was done to them.

It’s not that I ask people in my office to confide in me things they have never shared before with others. They do so simply because they want to free themselves of the burden of their secret. They already intrinsically know the wisdom taught through Alcoholics Anonymous, “We are only as  sick as our secrets.” This wisdom comes from millions of people in recovery who have previously gone to great lengths to keep their  addictive behaviors a secret from others. Many people in recovery  talk about how they eventually realized that they were also keeping a secret from themselves, as they pretended not to know the serious consequences of what they were doing. Our friends in AA have something to teach us. Keeping secrets is harmful to ourselves and to those around us. There is truly a burden in carrying an untold story within us, one that longs to be told.

Individuals are not the only ones who can keep secrets. Systems can as well. Systems can include families, churches, civic organizations, schools, companies and others, and they can easily look the other way when addictive or abusive behavior is occurring. As with an alcoholic, the temptation to minimize and deny what is happening can be strong. “It’s really not that big of a deal.” “Lots of people are doing it.” “It’s happening in lots of places, so it can’t be that bad.” “Oh, that’s just the way ‘so and so’ is and we have just learned to accept it.”

Abusive and addictive behaviors thrive best in a culture of secrecy. This is why truth-telling is so important, and why it is so important to support truth-tellers as they share their stories.

We don’t have to be a psychotherapist to have someone trust us with something they have never told anyone else before. People merely need places where they can feel deeply cared for and that they will be cared about and respected, no matter what. These kinds of trusting relationships create spaces for those around us, including those who are keeping something important inside, to share their truths, many for the first time. Such caring relationships are one of the greatest gifts any of us can both offer and receive.

This is how healing happens—for individuals and for systems, one truth-telling story, one revelation, one experience of being heard and respected, at a time.

The Power of Our Beliefs

Today is Friday the Thirteenth, a day that for centuries has been surrounded by irrational beliefs and superstitions. Here are a few I discovered when I looked into the history of this day: *If a funeral procession passes you by on this day, you will be the next person to die.

*If you cut your hair  on Friday the Thirteenth, you will experience bad luck.

*If you fly or set sail on a ship on this day, you are bound to have misfortune.

*Babies born on Friday the Thirteenth will have a life filled with bad luck.

*If you start a business on this day, it is destined to fail.

*The bad luck that can come from other superstitions, such as walking under a ladder, opening an umbrella indoors, and encountering a black cat, is magnified on Friday the 13th.

Fear of Friday the Thirteenth is known as paraskevidekatriaphobia, and according to the North Carolina Stress Management Center/Phobia Institute, millions of people experience mild to severe anxiety on this day. For most of us though, irrational beliefs surrounding this day are simply a harmless bit of fun and make for good humor amongst friends.

Turning now to wellness, the focus of this column, I want to share some thoughts about a different kind of irrational beliefs. These are the kind of irrational beliefs that I often hear about that are negatively affecting their I personal, relational, and/or spiritual wellness.

Here are some examples:

*Talking about conflict will only make things worse, so it's best to avoid ever bringing up issues that are difficult to talk about.

*If I let people know I am not perfect, they will see me as weak and unlovable.

*Everyone else’s life is perfect and much easier than mine.

*Avoiding  conversations about a conflict will make it go away.

*I am experiencing misfortune in my life right now because God is punishing me.

*I always have to handle things on my own.

*I can engage in high-risk behavior because the chances of the bad consequences of doing so only happen to other people, not me.

Any one of these beliefs can negatively affect a person’s wellness. I find that often such beliefs operate in the background of a person’s mind, just beneath their conscious awareness. Like a computer virus though, these beliefs are not immediately visible, yet they inevitably  compromise our functioning and well-being.

Friday the Thirteenth usually only occurs once or twice a year, and so even if we have irrational beliefs around this day, they are not likely to have too much of a real impact on our lives. If, however,  we hold on to the other kind of irrational beliefs listed above, we will find that they affect us each and every day, whether we are aware of it or not.

The best way to free ourselves of these limiting beliefs is to first become aware of them, and then find a trusted person—whether a friend or professional—and bring the beliefs out in to open, talking about and examining them.

So let’s have fun talking about some of the irrational beliefs around Friday the Thirteenth. Let’s also use this day as an occasion to become aware of any irrational beliefs that are negatively affecting our well-being. When we do this, my very rational belief, and my experience, both personally and professionally, tells me that when we are able to bring these irrational beliefs into the light of day, they begin to loosen their power to limit us any further.

The Powerful Draw of Love

I had the chance to visit the town of Assisi, Italy last month and I continue to be inspired by what I experienced. Five million people visit this small town in the Umbria region of central Italy, which is all the more remarkable because of its relatively remote location. We (my wife and I) rented a car in Rome and drove through some beautiful back roads on our two and half hour drive to this small village. It turns out that the countryside around Assisi is as spiritually uplifting as the town itself.  (The photo above were taken during our visit) As beautiful as Assisi is, that’s not what draws millions of people there every year.  What draws them is the life and work of a man who was born and died in this city some 800 years ago. Giovanni di Pietro di Bernardone, better known to us as Saint Francis was born in Assisi in 1181 and died there on October 3, 1226. He was born to a wealthy silk merchant family with the expectation that he would grow up and join his father in the family business. That was Francis’ plan, too, until he had a spiritual awakening that changed his life and led him to live a life of radical Christian simplicity.

After his awakening, Francis took a vow of poverty and traveled around his native Umbria teaching and modeling love for the poor, the outcast, and for all of creation.  His love of nature and of animals is still being celebrated today, as seen in the number of churches that held pet blessings this past week in Francis’ honor as they remembered the anniversary of his death. Another way in which the memory of Francis is being kept alive is Archbishop Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina’s choice of a papal name when he was elected Pope four years ago. He chose to be named Pope Francis in recognition of the influence Saint Francis has had on his life and ministry.

Entire books have been written about the life of Francis and so there is no way I can do justice to the depth and power of his life and teachings here. There is a popular prayer, however, known as the Prayer of St. Francis, that while it may or not have actually been written by Francis, captures the essence of how he lived and what he taught.

Before I close with the words of the Prayer of St. Francis, I want to share one of the most inspiring memories of my visit to Assisi.  While I was moved by seeing the home where Francis grew up, as well as the city’s beautiful churches and chapels, I was most moved by being able to share the experience of Assisi with the thousands of others visitors who were also there.  The great number of languages that we heard spoken that day, was astounding, and knowing that we were just a one day sample of the five million people who come every year was inspiring. While we were there we interacted with people from every part of the world, visiting for the same reason we were, to honor and remember this simple man who helped make the world a more peaceful and loving place.

At a time in our world where it can seem that the dark power of violence and hatred are all too strong, I find it inspiring that every year millions of people are drawn to a remote Italian village by an even stronger power—the power of love. How else can one explain the draw of a humble man who lived almost 800 years ago, a man who simply walked the countryside embodying Christian teachings about love?

I believe without a doubt that the power of love is in the end stronger than the power of violence and hatred. And as we read this prayer, may each of us have the courage to act on the specific ways we are called to be instruments of peace and love in our world today.

The Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make us instruments of your peace. Where there is hatred, let us sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.

Grant that we may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Change is Inevitable, Growth is Optional

This past week I had the honor of facilitating a men’s retreat. Those of us who gathered for this event were all in the second half of our lives and so the theme for the retreat was especially relevant: “Maintaining Wellness in the Midst of Change and Transition.” Author Richard Rohr writes about how the second half of life is inevitably full of change and transition. Often these changes involve some kind of loss, and the challenge then is to make choices that keep us well and growing, even when we experience difficult changes that are beyond our control. During the course of the retreat, we reflected on these words from leadership author John Maxwell, “Change is inevitable, growth is optional.”  What comes to mind as you reflect on this quote? In the context of our men’s retreat, we talked about this quote  after we had each spent time sharing some of the changes that had occurred in our lives over the last several years. Given the many changes that were shared (related to health, relationships, finances, and work/retirement) it was easy for us to see the truth of the first part of Maxwell’s quote. Change is clearly inevitable and is ever present in all of our lives.

The discussion was rich and deep when we talked about the second part of the quote, “…growth is optional.” The consensus of our group of men was that growth is optional because it requires a choice by each of us to be intentional about turning change into growth. We agreed growth involves being humble, taking risks, being vulnerable , and acknowledging our need for help. It was concluded that without being intentional about choosing these actions that will move us towards growth, change is simply change. It can leave us disoriented and sometimes unhappy or angry.

Richard Rohr wrote a powerful book entitled “Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life” in which he describes the process of choosing growth in the midst of change. When we make that choice, we fall upward, learning and growing because of the change, instead of falling downward.  It is all as simple as that, and as hard as that.

If I asked each of us if there has been change in our lives over the last five years, I think I am safe in answering for us all, “Of course.” The more important questions, and ones that each of us can only answer for ourselves, is, in the midst of that change, “Has there been growth?  And what can we do to help the changes in our lives be opportunities for continued growth?”

Campaigning vs. Governing

Often when a politician wins an election after running for office for the first time, we hear some version of the following, “They are now discovering the difference between campaigning and governing.” The point is of course that governing—working to get things changed—is usually much more difficult than proclaiming a vision for change while on the campaign trail. While I have never served in a political office, I do serve as the director of a national wellness initiative—Living Compass. In this capacity I regularly have the opportunity to be reminded of the difference between campaigning and governing. I give campaign speeches on a regular basis about the importance of proactively nurturing one’s physical, spiritual, emotional, relational, and vocational wellness. My platform includes foundational ideas, such as, “Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow,” and that it is far better to pay attention to our wellness proactively, rather than waiting for a crisis to get our attention. I find the campaigning part of my work—creating and inspiring others with a vision for living well—to be energizing and relatively easy.

When it comes to governing my own life though, making the day to day choices that positively nurture my own wellness, things get a little tougher. I had a powerful reminder of this just this month. I recently returned from a three week vacation during which my wife and I went away to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. It was truly a “trip of a life time” and it did so much to nurture every aspect of my and our wellness.

I must admit that this recent vacation was the first time I have ever taken three weeks off (in a row) from work since I started working some 35 years ago. In general, I have a habit of simply working more than is good for me. So why is it that I teach about the importance of work/life balance and yet have a hard time practicing it myself? Because there is a big difference between campaigning and governing, the latter being much more difficult than the former.

The word govern is derived from a Greek word that is related to steering or piloting a ship. A compass is invaluable in making decisions about how to steer or guide a ship, but it is no substitute for making the actual day to day decisions that will guide the course of ship.  I know what my compass is—I know the course I want to chart when it comes to being well, it’s just that the day to day decisions I need to make to keep me on that course are tougher than I realize.

Next time we hear someone talking about a politician and find ourselves commenting about how they are discovering how much more difficult it is to govern than to campaign, perhaps we can take it as reminder to ourselves of how true this is for us as well. I, for one, will continue to campaign for wellness, and will also, with a bit more humility perhaps, continue to work hard to govern my own life in ways that more fully align with my own compass for wellness.